Abbildungen der Seite
[merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, called one day upon the publisher of his works, by way of enquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat, the doctor wns asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of his wit and poetry. The doctor consented to accept of a little negus, when instantly was presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved on it. “Eh! el 1" says the doctor, ** what have we here?”—“A man's skull,” replied the bookseller, “a poet's for what I know.” —“Nothing more likely,” rejoined the doctor, ** for it is universally known that all you booksellers drink your wine from our skulls.”

[ocr errors][merged small]

up a board, to scare offenders by the notification . that “Steel traps and spring guns are set in these grounds;” but finding that even this was treated with contempt, and his fruit, &c. vanished as before, he saused to be painted in very prominent letters underneath—“No Joke, by G-d " which had the desircd cffect.


During the riots of 1780, nost persons in London in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, “No Popery!” Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his “No Religion.”

Dr. south.

Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning. was asked to stay dinner, which he accepted of ; the gentleman stepped into the next room and told his wife, and desired she would provide some. thing extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and scold, and made a thousand words; till, at length, her husband, provoked at her behaviour, protested, that, if it was not for the stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which the doctor, who heard all that passed, immediately stepped out, crying, “I beg, Sir, you will make no stranger of me.”

[merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][graphic]
[merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

the two sistems.

An ill-humoured wife, abusing her husband on his mercenary disposition, told him that if she was dead, he would marry the devil's eldest daughter, if he could get any thing by it, “That's true,” replied the husband, “ but the worst of it is one can't marry two sisters.”

to A BAid Fiddi, er.

When Orpheus (as old stories shew)
Went fiddling to the shades below,
To recompense the pleasing strain,
Pluto restor'd his wife again.
But thou, the worst of mortal scrapers
That ever call'd forth rustic capers,
And hadst for wife so vile a jade,
For thy own sake leave off the trade:–
Should Pluto hear thy tweedle-dee,
He the same way would punish thee.

true PATRiotism

A few years ago one of the male convicts in Botany-Bay wrote a farce; which was acted with great applause on the theatre, in Port Jackson. Barrington, the noted pickpocket, furnished the prologue, which ended with these lines:—

True patriots we, for be it understood,

We left our country for our country's good.


Not long since a gentleman near Birmingham, having occasion to see a friend, called at his house, and was told he was gone out ; to save the trouble of calling again, he expressed a wish to see the mistress, but she also was gone out. That no time might be lost, he requested to see the young master, but he likewise was out. Wishing, however, not to go without accomplishing his business, on saying he would then walk in, and sit by the fire till one of them returned, he was told by Pat, “Indeed, Sir, and you can't, for that is gone out too !”

[merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]
[merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

Ah, friend! with happy freedom blest :
See how my hope's miscarry'd :

Not death itself can give you rest,
Unless you die unnarry'd.

The execution.

An under-sheriff having to attend a malefactor to execution on a Friday, went to him the Wednesday before, to ask the following favour: “My good friend,” said the sheriff, “you know I have orders to see you executed next Friday; now I have business of the utmost importance at London on that day, and as you must die so soon, one day's difference can make no odds, and I should take it as a particular favour if you would be hanged on Thursday morning.” The prisoner replied, “I am very sorry I cannot oblige you in this particular; for I have some business of great importance on Friday morning; but, Mr. Sheriff, to shew you that I am not an ungrateful man, suppose we put off this said execution till Monday morning; if you like that, Mr. Sheriff, I'll agree to it with all my heart.”

EXCHANG ING sermons.

It is customary for the clergy in most counties

to have annual visitations, in order to settle the affairs of the church. There belonged to a society of this sort, in Dorsetshire, a clergyman, who made excellent sermons, but preached them badly. At one of these meetings, after the gentlemen had dined, and the servants were seated down together, this clergyman's man asked another, “what so many parsons met together for "–“Why,” answered he, “to stcap sermons.”—“Aye,” quoth the former, “then my master is always most damnably cheated, for he never gets a good one.”

[blocks in formation]

copy of A DRoll Evidence, Delivered by the Rev. Mr. J. W. , rector of Rockland, St. Peters, who was subpoenied to give testimony of the character of one P • & schoolmaster, at New Buckingham, in Norfolk, at the assize held at Thetford. Counsel. Call the Rev. Mr. J. W-, rector of Rockland, St. Peters. Clerk of Assize. Mr. J. W-called. Walpole. Here, Sir. Counsel. Mr. Walpole, I think you live at Rockland, St. Peters? Walpole. No, Sir, I don’t live there; I am parson of the parish, and the living came by my mother. Counsel. Sir, I don't ask you after the preferment, nor how you came by it. L. C. Justice. Mr. Walpole, pray where do you live? Walpole. May it please your Lordship, at New Buckingham, just by Tom Tunmore's, at the Crown Counsel. Pray do you know one Mr. Parsons, a schoolmaster, at New Buckingham Walpole. Yes, Sir, I know him very well. Counsel. Pray, Sir, what sort of a man is he? how does he behave in your town?

Walpole. Sir, he is a well-built man for strength, he goes in a blue coat aud buckskin pair of breeches. Counsel. Sir, I don't ask you what sort of a man he is, nor what dress he goes in. Walpole. Sir, as I am upon my oath, I thought I must give an account of all I know of him. Counsel. Yes, Sir, relating to the questions asked you. I mean, how does he behave, that is, does he behave well in your town Walpole. Yes, Sir, very well ; only he goes a little hobbling, but that he cannot help. Counsel. Sir, you do not take me right; has he a clear character of an honest, sober, well beliavel man in your town Walpole. Yes, Sir, that he has ; it is as seldom he gets drunk as any man in town; perhaps in a morning he will call on me to go to Tom Tunmore's, but we seldom drink above two or three full pots in a morning, and he goes home very sober considering. Counsel. Pray, Sir, do you call it a sober iving man that drinks two or three full pots in a morning 2 Walpole. He is a very moderate man in drinking. he seldom takes more than half his share. Counsellor. Then, Sir, you have a good partner. JWalpole. Sir, I like such meu best, and so does he, and we agree extremely well together, and never quarrel over our cups, that's all I know of him.

[blocks in formation]

“Scoundrel, begone! and henceforth touch me
More manners learn, and at a distance rot.”
“How's scoundrel !” in a haughtier tone, said he,
“Proud lump of dirt! I scorn thy words, and
Here all are equal ; now thy case is mine :
This is my rotting-place, and that is thine.”

A StutteriNG WAG.

A person once knocked at the door of a collegefellow, to enquire the apartinents of a particular gentleman. When the fellow made his appearance, “Sir,” said the enquirer, “will you be so obliging as to direct me to the rooms of Mr. -> The fellow had the misfortune to stutter. He began, “S-S-S pl-pl-please to go to ——” and then stopped short. At length, collecting all his indignation to the tip of his tongue, he poured out a frightful expression, adding, as he shut the door, “You will find him sooner than I can direct you.”


The Dublin theatre, during Mr. Barry's management, failed, and he was considerably indebted to his actors, musicians, &c. Among others, the master-carpenter called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding his money. Barr; came to the head of the stairs, and asked what wa the matter “Matter enough,” replied the carpen ter, “I want my money, and can’t get it.”— “Don’t be in a passion,” said Barry. “Do me the walk up stairs, if you please, and we will speak upon the business.”—“Not I, by J– Mr. Barry ;” cried the carpenter, “ you owe me a hundred pounds already, and if I cone up you will owe me tico before 1 leave you.”

[ocr errors][merged small][merged small]
« ZurückWeiter »