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WINE AND PHYSIC,
CURE FOR THE QUINSY.
interrupted him with warmth “Now, Sir,” said he, laughter, which broke the quinsy, and cured him; "can't you be content ? you say you were not on the for which the doctor and his man were well rewarded. jury, and yet I have paid you, as though you had been-go about your business!” The juryman took hira at his word, and departed, marvelling at the A gentleman, who was affected with a constant hature of the penalties inflicted on Exchequer Juries. rheum in his eyes, waited on his physician for advice.
The doctor desired him to leave off drinking wine. DR. RADCLIFFE AND THE PAVIER
In a few weeks, the gentleman experienced the good A pavier to whom this physician was indebted, effect of the preseription, and thought he could do no after many fruitless attempts
, caught him just getting less than call on the doctor to return him thanks. He out of his chariot, and demanded the payment of his was not a little surprised to find him in a tavern, and bill." What, you rascal,” said the doctor," do you very merry over a bottle of wine with a friend, notpretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, withstanding his eyes were affected with the same you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it disease he had just removed. Well," said the genover with earth to hide your bad work !"-" Doctor, tleman, " I see you doctors don't follow your own dactor," said the pavier," mine is not the only bad prescriptions.” The son of Esculapius knew in an work that the earth hides !"_" You dog," said the instant what he meant, and made this observation: dortor,“ you are a wit; you must be poor, come in," “ If you love your eyes beiter than wine, don't and he paid him his demand.
drink'it; but as I love wine better than my eyes, I
do drink it." Dr. Radcliffe was once sent for into the country to & gentleman who was dangerously ill of a quinsy; The Puritans were more severe in the punishment al the doctor soon perceived that no application, of swearing than cursing; for when an Irishman was internal or external, would be of any service; upon fined twelvepence for an oath, he asked what he which be desired the lady of the house to order the should pay for a curse? They said sixpence, lle cook to make a large hašty pudding; and when it threw down sixpence, and cursed the whole come Tas done, to let his own servant bring it up. While mittee. the cook was about it, he took his man aside, and instructed him what he was to do. In a short time thie man brought up the pudding in great order, and How Pat Molley stared, when he heard that his moset it on the table, in full view of the patient. “Come,
ther, I whin," said he, - you love hasty pudding, eat some Who'd been ten years a widow, had married another. your breskfast.” Both began with their spoons, but By turns he ran frantic, then again inelancholy:
And often repeated his mother's base folly. Joan's spoon going twice to his master's once, the doctor took occasion to quarrel with him, and dabbed A friend chanc'd to call, very friendly to chat, à soonful of hot pudding in his face; John re. And to soothe, if he possibly could, luis friend Pat. Baied it, and threw another 2t his master. This Oh!" says Pat, “ what a monster my mother must pat the doctor in a passion, and, quitting his spoon,
prove, he took the pudding up by handfuls, and threw it at Very near fifty-three, and so dying in love !" h's man, who battled him again in the same mau- “ Never mind,” says his friend, “ never heed it my ber. The patient, who had a full view of the skirmish,
honey, was so tickled at the fancy, that he burst into a fit of When they are both dead you'll get plenty of money
THE ELDEST SON, OR THE FISHERMAN PUZZLED.
A SIMPLE REPLY.
REASONS FOT. SYMPATHY.
The estate is all yours, boy, as sure as a gun, answer, That you think me to be the abłot of GlasFor it can't go away from the only dear son.' tonbury, when as indeed I am but Jack his cook." “Aye,” says Pat," that is right, but I'm thinking that
she, Now she's married, may have a son older than me,”
In the court of King's Bench, a witness, named Lincoln, was called to prove a hand-writing ; and,
having looked at the paper some time without speak. Why do men sooner give to poor people that ing, Mr. Erskine exclaimed, “Well, Sir, what is beg, than to scholars? The reason is, because they your belief? Don't let the devil overlook Lincola, think they may sooner come to be poor, than to be but give us your belief of the hand-writing.". The scholars.
witness, with great composure, turned round and THREE ROYAL QUESTIONS.
said, “ I did not observe, Sir, that you were looking
over me; and as for the hand-writing, I can form 20 King Henry the Eighth having a month's mind to the abbot of Glastonbury's estate (who was one of judgment of it.” the richest abbots in England) sent for him to his MR. SERGEANT BETTESWCRTH AND DEAN SWIFT. court, and told him, that unless he could resolve The following lines on Sergeant Bettesworth, which him three questions, he should not escape with his Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a life. The abbot, willing to get out of his clutches, violent resentment on the part of the barrister promised his best endeavours. The king's questions -“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth, were these: first, Of what compass the world was Though half-a-crown o'erpays his sweat's worth, about ? Secondly, How deep the sea was ? And, Who knows in law, nor text, nor margent, thirdly, What the king thought ? The abbot de Calls Singleton his brother sergeant." sired some few days' respite, which being granted, The poem was sent to Bettesworth, at a time when he returned home, but with intent never to see the he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial king again, for he thought the questions impossible party He read it, then flung it down with great to be resolved. His grief coming at last to the ears violence-took out his penknife, and, opening it, of his cook, he undertook, upon forfeiture of his life, vehemently swore, " With this very penknife will i to resolve these riddles, and to free his master from cut off his cars.” He then went to the dean's house, danger. The abbot willingly consented. The cook and desired the doctor might be sent for; and an put on the abbot's clothes, and at the time ap- Swift entering, and asking what were his commands, pointed went to the court, and being like the abbot, “Sir,” said he, “I am Sergeant Bettesworth." «o was taken by all the courtiers to be the same man. what regiment, pray, Sir ?" said Swift. “O Mr. When he came before the king, he thus resolved his Dean, we know your powers of raillery, you know me three questions. First, Of what compass the world well enough ; I am one of his majesty's sergeants at was about ? He said, " It was but twenty-four hours law, and I am come to demand if you are author of journey, and if a man went as fast as the sun, he this poem, (producing it,) and these villainous lines might easily go it in that space.” The second, How on me ?" Sir,” said Swift, “ when I was a young deep the sea was ? He answered, “Only a stone's man, I had the honour of being intimate with some cast ; for throw a stone into the deepest place of it, great legal characters, particularly lord Somers; and in time it will come to the bottom.” To the who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me, third," which I conceive,” saith he, "your majesty when I lampooned a knave or a fool, never to own ita thinks the most difficult to resolve: but indeed it is conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the easiest, that is, What your highness thinks ? Il the authos,"
ODE TO AN OLD WIG.
Or if into times more remote,
Of Solomon, wisest of men.
Perhaps, but my thread is worn out, When all thy flowing honours fair were seen,
Again to Parnassus I fly,
And to tell you the truth, so am I.
So here's a pretty exit of the muse !
Like unto Butler's bear and fiddle,
Begins, 'tis true, but breaks in twain
Ere she has reach'd the middle.
Then hear, O rev'rend covering for the head,
Be mine the task to end the ode alone, Ere those locks belong'd to thee,
And waft prophetical thy future fame
To distant climes unknown :
“ Though torn to pieces by the barber dire, On Belinda's neck so fair ;
Still shall some chosen locks remain, She for whom in Twit'uam's bowers,
Worthy some nymph in chaste Diana's train, Pope call'd forth his magic powers,
Who daily brings her clean attire ; Goomes and fairies heard the sound,
And hands the virgin to her spangled gig.
These locks shall never pass away,
But like the phænix burst upon the day,
And rise regenerate in an old maid's wig!"
Archbishop. Laud was a man of short stature. The sister-lock without compare
Charles I, and the archbishop were one day about to Ravish'd from its kindred hair ;
sit down to dinner together, when it was agreed that And in a moment after giv'n,
Archer, the king's jester, should say grace for them, (As proof of politesse) to heav'n ;
which he did as follows : “ Great praise be given to There still, as licens'il poets say,
God, but little laud to the devil.” It brightens all the milky way,
NAPOLEON AT WATERLOO. Distinguish'd by a-stream of light,
The advanced guard of the French army did not And visible each star-light night.
reach the plains of Waterloo till the seventeenth of Or dwindled through time to a scratch,
June, at six in the evening, a delay occasioned by In the gradual succession of years;
unfortunate occurrences on the road, otherwise the Perhaps, thou hast kept out the cold,
forces would have been on the spot by three o'clock Heaven bless us ! from majesty's ears
in the afternoon. This circumstance greatly disconThe wig which Judge Buller once own'd,
certed the emperor Napoleon, who, pointing to the I inmortal'd in Walcot's blithe song,
sun, exclaimed, “What would I not give to be this Might be thy identical self,
day possessed of the power of Joshua, to be able to Or thou might'st to great Thurlow belong. retard thy march for two hours."
MEDITATION ON A BROOMSTICK
This single stick, which you now behold, ingloriously lying in that neglected corner, I once knew flourishing in a forest; it was full of sap, full of leaves, and full of boughs! But, now, in vain. does the busy art of man pretend to vie with nature, by tying that withered bundle of twigs to its sapless trunk; it is now at best but the reverse of what it was--a tree turned upside down-the branches on the earth, and the root in the air ! It is now handled by every dirty wench, condemned to do her drudgery, and, by a capricious kind of fate, destined to make other things clean, and be nasty itself! At leagth, worn to the stumps in the service of the maids, it is either thrown out of doors, or condemned to the last use, of kindling a fire! When I beheld this, I sighed, and said within myself, “Mortal man is a broomstick!!" Nature sends him into the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition, wearing his own hair on bis head, the proper branches of a reasoning vegetable, till the axe of intemperance has lopt vif the green boughs, and left him a withered trunk: he then flies to art, and puts on a perriwis, valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs all covered with powder, and that never grew on his head! But now, should this our 'broomstick pretend to enter the scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered with dust, through the sweeping of the finest lady's chainber, we should be apt to ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges that we åre of our own excellencies, and other men's defaults! But a broomstick, perhaps, you will say, is an emblem of a tree standing on its head ; and, pray, what is man but a topsy-turvy creature, his animal perpetually mounted on his rational faculties, his head where his heels should be, grovelling on the earth; and yet, with all his faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer and corrector of abuses, as well as remover of grievances; till, worn to the stumps, like his brother besom, he is either kicked out of doors, or made use of to kindle flames for others to warm themselves by.
"i "I'is the weather that's cold,
'Tis l'm grown very old, And my doublet is not very new
* Nay, but credit I've uone,
And my money's all gonc,
“ The priest often preaches
Against worldly riches,
“ He will fasten his locks,
And will threaten the stocks,
“His fat beeves and his beer,
And his merry new year,
poor man alone,
tism and gout.
between them : and therefore complains, that on a Happy art thou, o man, who wast not born certain day and year, at Thorne, there was an agreeamidst the luxuries of life.
ment between the aforesaid Robert and John, whereby Lucky art thou who canst eat the simple fare ; whose the said Joha sold to the said Robert, the devil, bound nose turneth not up at a boiled leg of mutton and in a certain bond, for threepence farthing ; and thereturnips, or bacon and eggs.
upon, the said John, one farthing, as earnest money ; Health waketh thee at morn, and accompanieth by which the property of the said devil rested in the the slumbers of night.
person of the said Robert, to have livery of the said Art thou an allerman, and putteih pounds of turtle devil, on the fourth day next following, at which day into thy paunch; thou devourest an apoplexy. the said Robert came to the forenamed John, and swallowest thou hot sauces ? Thou gulpest fleumaasked delivery of the said devil, according to the
agreement between them made. But the said John Say not wickedly, “I will not repeat the Lord's refused to deliver the said deyil, nor has he yet done Prayer, as it is beneath a gentleman to pray for it, &ec. to the great damage of the said Robert, to the Dread."
amount of sixty shillings; and he has therefore Curse not sprats and flounders ; peradventure brought his suite, &c. The said John came, and did sprats and fiounders inight blush to enter the doors not deny the said agreement; and because it appeared of thy gullet.
to the court that such a suite ought not to subsist Deem thyself not undone, because thou possessest among Christians, the aforesaid parties are therefore Tot more than thou oughtest in reason to use.
adjourned to the infernal regions, there to hear their Tortunate are thousands in having never been judgment; aud both parties were amerced, &c. by favourites of fortune.
William de Scargell, Seneschal.”
Hugh Morgan, cousin of that Hugh, but preferreth his radiance to the greasy light of a Was likewise, as the story runs, candle.
Tenth cousin of one David Jones.
David, well stor'd with classic knowledge,
Was sent betimes to Jesus college ; When Napoleon Bonaparte was a subaltern in the Paternal bounty left him clcar French army, a Russiani otiicer, with much self-suf- For life one hundred pounds a year; ficiency, remarked, " That his country fought for And Jones was deem'd another Croesus glory, and the French for gain.". “You are perfectly Among the commoners of Jesus. in the right," answered Napoleon, for every one
It boots not here to quote tradition, fights for that which he does not possess.”
In proof of David's erudition ;
The could unfold the mystery high,
Of Paulo post anıl verbs in ui; Blount's Law Dictionary gives an instance of buy- Scan Virgil, and in mathematics inz and selling the devil; the story is extracted from Prove that straight lines were not quadratics. the court rolls of the manor of Hatheld, near the isle All Oxford hail'd this youth's ingressus, of Axeholme, York, of which the following is a transla- And wond'ring Welshñen cried, “ Cot pless us !" tion : " Robert de Roderham appeared against John It happen'd that his cousin lugh de Ithon, for that he had not kept the agreement made From Oxford pass’d, to Cambria due,
DAVID JONES, OR WINE AND WORSTED.
GAIN AND GLORY.
BUYING AND SELLING THE DEVIL.