Abbildungen der Seite
PDF

interrupted him with warmth-" Now, Sir,” said he, "can't you be content? you say you were not on the jury, and yet I have paid you, as though you had been—go about your business!” The juryman took him at his word, and departed, marvelling at the hature of the penalties inflicted on Exchequer Juries.

Jor. RADC Li Fre and the PAwie R.

A pavier to whom this physician was indebted, after many fruitless attempts, caught him just getting out of his chariot, and demanded the payment of his bill. “What, you rascal,” said the doctor, “do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work 1"—“Doctor, doctor," said the pavier, “mine is not the only bad work that the earth hides "–“You dog,” said the doctor, “you are a wit; you must be poor, come in,” all he paid him his demand.

curr. For the QUIN sy.

Dr. Radcliffe was once sent for into the country to a gentleman who was dangerously ill of a quinsy; aul the doctor soon perceived that no application, internal or external, would be of any service; upon which he desired the lady of the house to order the cook to make a large hasty pudding; and when it was done, to let his own servant bring it up. While the cook was about it, he took his man aside, and instructed him what he was to do. In a short time the man brought up the pudding in great order, and set it on the table, in full view of the patient. “Come, John," said he, “you love hasty pudding, eat some along with me, for I believe you came out without your breakfast.” Both began with their spoons, but John's spoon going twice to his master's once, the dector took occasion to quarrel with him, and dabbed a spoonful of hot pudding in his face; John reseated it, and threw another at his master. This put the doctor in a passion, and, quitting his spoon, he took the pudding up by handfuls, and threw it at his man, who battled him again in the same manter. The patient, who had a filli view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the fancy, that he burst into a fit of

laughter, which broke the quinsy, and cured him; for which the doctor and his man were well rewarded.

w1NE AND PHYSIC.

A gentleman, who was affected with a constant rheum in his eyes, waited on his physician for advice. The doctor desired him to leave off drinking wine. In a few weeks, the gentleman experienced the good effect of the prescription, and thought he could do no less than call on the doctor to return him thanks. He was not a little surprised to find him in a tavern, and very merry over a bottle of wine with a friend, notwithstanding his eyes were affected with the same disease he had just removed. “Well,” said the gentleman, “I see you doctors don't follow your own prescriptions.” %. son of Æsculapius knew in an instant what he meant, and made this observation: “If you love your eyes better than wine, don't drink it; but as I love wine better than my eyes, I do drink it.”

[merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

The estate is all yours, boy, as sure as a gun,
For it can't go away from the only dear son.”
“Aye,” says Pat, “that is right, but I'm thinking that
she,
Now she's married, may have a son older than me.”
REasons for sym PATH Y.

Why do men sooner give to poor people that beg, than to scholars? The reason is, because they think they may sooner come to be poor, than to be scholars.

Three noxal questions.

King Henry the Eighth having a month's mind to the abbot of Glastonbury's estate (who was one of the richest abbots in England) sent for him to his court, and told him, that unless he could resolve him three questions, he should not escape with his life. The abbot, willing to get out of his clutches, promised his best endeavours. The king's questions were these: first, Of what compass the world was about 2 Secondly, How deep the sea was ? And, thirdly, What the king thought 2. The abbot desired some few days' respite, which being granted, he returned home, but with intent never to see the king again, for he thought the questions impossible to be resolved. His grief coming at last to the ears of his cook, he undertook, upon forfeiture of his life, to resolve these riddles, and to free his master from danger. The abbot willingly consented. The cook put on the abbot's clothes, and at the time appointed went to the court, and being like the abbot, was taken by all the courtiers to be the same man. When he came before the king, he thus resolved his three questions. First, of what compass the world was about 2. He said, “It was but twenty-four hours journey, and if a man went as fast, as the sun, he might easily go it in that space.” . The second, How deep the sea was 2 He answered, “Only a stone's cast, for throw a stone into the deepest place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom.” To the third, “which I conceive,” saith he, “your majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve: but indeed it is

the easiest, that is, What your highness thinks & I

answer, That you think me to be the abbot of Glastonbury, when as indeed I am but Jack his cook.” A slai PLE REPLY.

In the court of King's Bench, a witness, named Lincoln, was called to prove a hand-writing; and, having looked at the paper some time without speaking, Mr. Erskine exclaimed, “Well, Sir, what is your belief? Don't let the devil overlook Lincoln, but give us your belief of the hand-writing.” The witness, with great composure, turned round and said, “I did not observe, Sir, that you were looking over me; and as for the hand-writing, I can form ao judgment of it.”

Mr. setto EANT BETTEswchth AND DEAN swirt.

The following lines on Sergeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister

—“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,

Though half-a-crown o'erpays his sweat’s worth,

Who knows in law, nor text, nor margent,

Calls Singleton his brother sergeant.” The poem was sent to Bettesworth, at a time when he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial party He read it, then flung it down with great violence—took out his penknife, and, opening it, vehemently swore, “With this very penknife will i cut off his ears.” He then went to the dean's house, and desired the doctor might be sent for; and on Swift entering, and asking what were his commands, “Sir," said he, “I am Sergeant Bettesworth.” “ of what regiment, pray, Sir 1" said Swift. “O Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery, you know me well enough : I am one of his majesty's sergeants at law, and I am come to demand if you are author of this poem, (producing it,) and these villainous lines on me?” “Sir,” said Swift, “when I was a voung man, I had the honour of being intimate with son. great legal characters, particularly lord Somers; who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me. when I lampooned a knave or a fool, never to own it. Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the author,'

ode to AN old wig. Poor wig not patriot whig that title rare t No! bun call'd wig–but wig of human hair, Thee I address beneath thy lowly shed; Though now neglected, time no doubt has been, When all thy flowing honours fair were seen, Scented and powder'd on some first-rate head. Thy sun-burnt hue and tatter'd caul, I ween, Full many a change, and better days have seen, 0; which thy bard in varied strains shall sing; For fancy sets his daring muse on fire, 9 may thy rags her chequer'd verse inspire, And lift her high on sympathetic wing. To done, her bosom owns thy humble worth, And thus her tender ladyship breaks forth :

Ere those locks belong'd to thee, Once perhaps they wanton'd free, Airy, gay, and debonnaire, On Belinda's neck so fair; She for whom in Twit’nam's bowers, Pope call'd forth his magic powers, Gnomes and fairies heard the sound, And sylphs obsequious hover'd round, Lightly skimming o'er the glade, To wait upon the charming maid. Why may not the muse suppose 2 From those triple curls arose, The sister-lock without compare Ravish'd from its kindred hair; And in a moment after giv'n, (As proof of politesse) to heav'n ; There still, as licens'd poets say, It brightens all the milky way, Distinguish'd by a stream of light, And visible each star-light night. 0 dwindled through time to a scratch, In the gradual succession of years; Perhaps, thou hast kept out the cold, Heaven bless us! from majesty's ears The wig which Judge Buller once own'd, Immortal'd in Walcot's blithe song, Might be thy identical self, Or thou might'st to great Thurlow belong.

Or if into times more remote,
The muse has permission to ken,

Who knows but thou once grac'd the head
Of Solomon, wisest of men.

Perhaps, but my thread is worn out,
Again to Parnassus I fly,
The reader perhaps may be tir’d,
And to tell you the truth, so am I.
So here's a pretty exit of the muse!
Like unto Butler's bear and fiddle,
Begins, 'tis true, but breaks in twain
Ere she has reach'd the middle.
Then hear, O rev'rend covering for the head,
Be mine the task to end the ode alone,
And waft prophetical thy future fame
To distant climes unknown :
“Though torn to pieces by the barber dire,
Still shall some chosen locks remain,
Worthy some nymph in chaste Diana's train,
Who daily brings her clean attire;
And i. the virgin to her spangled gig.
These locks shall never pass away,
But like the phoenix burst upon the day,
And rise regenerate in an old MAID's wig '"
LACON ic G it a ce. -
Archbishop Laud was a man of short stature.
Charles I. and the archbishop were one day about to
sit down to dinner together, when it was agreed that
Archer, the king's jester, should say grace for them,
which he did as follows: “Great praise be given to
God, but little laud to the devil.”

NA Po Leo N at w at eit Loo.

The advanced guard of the French army did not reach the plains of Waterloo till the seventeenth of June, at six in the evening, a delay occasioned by unfortunate occurrences on the road, otherwise the forces would have been on the spot by three o'clock in the afternoon. This circumstance greatly disconcerted the emperor Napoleon, who, pointing to the sun, exclaimed, “What would I not give to be this day possessed of the power of Joshua, to be able to

! retard thy march for two hours.”

MEDITATION ON A BROOMSTICK

This single stick, which you now behold, ingloriously lying in that neglected corner, I once knew flourishing in a forest; it was full of sap, full of leaves, and full of boughs! But, now, in vain does the busy art of man pretend to vie with nature, by tying that withered bundle of twigs to its sapless trunk ; it is now at best but the reverse of what it was—a tree turned upside down—the branches on the earth, and the root in the air . It is now handled by every dirty wench, condemned to do her drudgery, and, by a capricious kind of fate, destined to make other things clean, and be nasty itself! At length, worn to the stumps in the service of the maids, it is either thrown out of doors, or condemned to the last use, of kindling a fire ' When I beheld this, I sighed, and said within myself, “Mortal MAN is a broomstick." Nature sends him into the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition, wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches of a reasoning vegetable, till the axe of intemperance has lopt off the green boughs, and left him a withered trunk: he then flies to art, and puts on a perriwig, valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs all covered with powder, and that never grew on his head ' But now, should this our broomstick pretend to enter the scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered with dust, through the sweeping of the finest lady's chamber, we should be apt to ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are of our own excellencies, and other men's Jefaults! But a broomstick, perhaps, you will say, is an emblem of a tree standing on its head ; and, pray, what is MAN but a topov-turry creature, his animal perpetually mounted on his rational faculties, his head where his heels should be, grovelling on the earth; and yet, with all his faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer and corrector of abuses, as well as remover of grievances; till, worn to the stumps, like his brother besom, he is either kicked out of doors, or made use of to kindle flames for others to warm themselves by.

- Swift.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

And warn thy old heart with a glass;
“Nay, but credit I’ve none,
And my money's all gone,
Then say how may that coine to pass,
Well-a-day.”
Hie away to the house on the brow
Gastor Gray
And knock at the jolly priest's door—
“The priest often preaches
Against worldly riches,
But ne'er gives a mite to the poor,
Well-a-day.”
The lawyer lives under the hill,
Gaffer Gray,
Warmly fenc'd both in back and in front.
“He will fasten his locks,
And will threaten the stocks,
Should he evermore find me in want,
Well-a-day.”
The squire has fat beeves and brown ale,
Gaffer Gray,
And the season will welcome you there.
“His fat beeves and his beer,
And his merry new year,
Are all for the flush and the fair,
Well-a-day.”
My keg is but low, I confess,
Gaffer Gray,
What then? While it lasts, man, we'll live.
“The poor man alone,
When he hears the poor moan,
Of his morsel a morsel will give,
Well-a-day.”
- Holcroft

- Poverty desir Aprle. Happy art thou, O man, who wast not born amidst the luxuries of life. Lucky art thou who canst eat the simple fare; whose nose turneth not up at a boiled leg of mutton and turnips, or bacon and eggs. Health waketh thee at morn, and accompanieth the slumbers of night. Art thou an alderman, and putteth pounds of turtle into thy paunch ; thou devourest an apoplexy. Swallowest thou hot sauces ! Thou gulpest Fleumātism and gout. Say not wickedly, “I will not repeat the Lord's .# as it is beneath a gentleman to pray for jead.” Curse not sprats and flounders; peradventure *Prats and founders might blush to enter the doors vl thy gullet. Deem thyself not undone, because thou possessest to more than thou oughtest in reason to use. lotunate are thousands in having never been favourites of fortune. - - Content sigheth not for venison; she lifteth not her o for tubot. She hateth not the sight of the sun at dinner-time, but preferreth his radiance to the greasy light of a candle. P. PIN DAR. can N a N D G Lott Y. When Napoleon Bonaparte was a subaltern in the French army, a Russian officer, with much self-sufficiency, remarked, “That his country fought for glory, and the French for gain.”, “You are perfectly in the right,” answered Napoleon, “for every one fights for that which he does not possess.” Bu YING AN id sri, li No Tile new I L. Blount's Law Dictionary gives an instance of buyinz and selling the devil; the story is extracted from the fourt rolls of the manor of Hatfield, near the isle of Axeholme, York, of which the following is a translato: “Robert de Roderham appeared against John de Ithon, for that he had not kept the agreement made

between them : and therefore complains, that on a certain day and year, at Thorne, there was an agreement between the aforesaid Robert and John, whereby the said John sold to the said Robert, the devil, bound in a certain band, for threepence farthing ; and thereupon, the said John, one farthing, as earnest money ; by which the property of the said devil rested in the person of the said Robert, to have livery of the said devil, on the fourth day next following, at which day the said Robert came to the forenamed John, and asked delivery of the said devil, according to the agreement between them made. But the said John refused to deliver the said devil, nor has he yet done it, &c. to the great damage of the said Robert, to the amount of sixty shillings; and he has therefore brought his suite, &c. The said John came, and did not deny the said agreement; and because it appeared to the court that such a suite ought not to subsist among Christians, the aforesaid parties are therefore adjourned to the infernal regions, there to hear their ...', aud both parties were amerced, &c. by William de Scargell, Semeschal.”

DA vid Jo NFs, on w1NE AND worsTED.

Hugh Morgan, cousin of that Hugh,
Whose cousin was, the Lord knows who
Was likewise, as the story runs,
Tenth cousin of one David Jones.
David, well stor'd with classic knowledge,
Was sent betimes to Jesus college ;
Paternal bounty left him clear
For life one hundred pounds a year;
And Jones was deem'd another Croesus
Among the commoners of Jesus. -
It boots not here to quote tradition,
In proof of David's erudition ; -
He could unfold the mystery high, -
Of Paulo post and verbs in us ; . - -
Scan Virgil, and in mathematics
Prove that straight lines were not quadratics.
All Oxford hail'd this youth's ingressus,
And wond'ring Welshmen cried, “Cot pless us!”

It happen'd that his cousin Hugh From Oxford pass'd, to Cambria due,

« ZurückWeiter »