CHARITABLE FRAUD. The Archbishop of Aix, on hearing that his friend Saint Francois de Sales had been canonized, pronounced him a. gallant, amiable, and honest man, although he would cheat at piquet."-" But, sir," said some one present, "is it possible that a saint could be a sharper at play ?"-" No," replied the Archbishop," he said as a reason for it, that he gave all his winnings to the poor." LORD ORRERY. Lord Orrery, the friend and biographer of Swift, had such an unbounded love for the classics, that he bestowed classical appellations on the dumb parts of his household. His dog bore the name of Cæsar. Cæsar, however, one day giving his lordship a most unclassical bite, his lordship seized a cane, and pursued him round the room with great solemnity, uttering the while, this truly classical menace: Caesar! Cæsar! if I could catch thee, Cæsar, I would give thee as many wounds as Brutus gave thy namesake in the capitol!" PETER PINDAR. up a board, to scare offenders by the notification. that" Steel traps and spring guns are set in these grounds;" but finding that even this was treated with contempt, and his fruit, &c. vanished as before, he caused to be painted in very prominent letters underneath-"No Joke, by G-d!" which had the desired effect. THE SAFE SIDE. During the riots of 1780, most persons in London in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors," No Popery!" Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his "No Religion!"' DR. SOUTH. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, was asked to stay dinner, which he accepted of ; the gentleman stepped into the next room and told his wife, and desired she would provide some thing extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and scold, and made a thousand words; till, at length, her husband, provoked at her beha Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. viour, protested, that, if it was not for the stranger cailed one day upon the publisher of his works, Upon which the doctor, who heard all that passby way of enquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat, the doctored, immediately stepped out, crying, "I beg, Sir, was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller you will make no stranger of me. of his wit and poetry. The doctor consented to accept of a little negus, when instantly was presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of Quin was asked once what he thought of turtlea man carved on it. "Eh! eh!" says the doctor, eating. "By G-d," said he," it is a thousand what have we here?"-"A man's skull," re- pities, that, on such an occasion, a man had not plied the bookseiler, "a poet's for what I know."a stomach as long as the cable of a first-rate "Nothing more likely," rejoined the doctor, man-of-war, and every inch palate." "for it is universally known that all you booksellers drink your wine from our skulls." 66 NO JOKES A gentleman residing on his estate on the road to Dorking, and within a few miles of that town, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set QUIN ON TURTLE EATING. SMART RETORT. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn together; the former said, "this is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a garret."-"You fool," said Garret, "don't you know there must be chambers first.” PETER WALTERS. sword upon his shoulder, our new knight drew A gentleman, not so remarkable for his econo-back, and hung down his head, as if out of countenance. "Don't be ashamed," said the king; 'tis I have the most reason to be so.' my as his wit and humour, was one day rallying the late Peter Walters on his avarice. For my part," quoth the gentleman, "I don't know any difference between a shilling and sixpence, for when one is changed, it is gone, and so is the other."—"Ah," says Peter," my old friend, you may not know the difference between a shilling and a sixpence now, but believe me you will when you come to be worth but eighteen-pence." THE SENATOR. A senator, who is not esteemed the wisest man in the House, has a custom of shaking his head when another speaks; which giving offence to a particular person, he complained of the indignity. Hereupon, one who had been acquainted with the first gentleman from a child, as he told the House, assured them it was only the effect of an ill-habit, "for said he, "though he often shakes his head, there is nothing in it." THE LAWYER AND THE FARMER. A lawyer quits the jarring courts KING CHARLES. THE CANON AND VICAR. A canon of Windsor, who was taking his evening walk into the town, met one of the vicars at the castle gate, returning home somewhat elevated with generous port. "So," says the canon, "from whence come you?"-" I don't know, Mr. Canon," replied the vicar; "I have been spinning out this afternoon with a few friends." -“Ay, and now," says the canon, you are reeling it home." In Queen Ann's reign, the Lord B- -married three wives, who were all his servants. A beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low courtesy,' Ah! God Almighty bless you," said she," and send you a long life; if you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time." The late Colonel Chartres reflecting upon his ill-life and public character, told a nobleman, if such a thing as a good name could be purchased, he would freely give 10,0001. for it The noblemau said, "it would be the worst money he ever King Charles II. being prevailed upon, by one laid out in his life.”—“ Why so?" said the colonel. of his courtiers, to knight a very worthless fellow," Because," replied his lordship, "you would and of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the certainly forfeit it again in less than a week." THE TWO SISTERS. An ill-humoured wife, abusing her husband on his mercenary disposition, told him that if she was dead, he would marry the devil's eldest daughter, if he could get any thing by it, "That's true,' replied the husband, "but the worst of it is one can't marry two sisters." TO A BAD FIDDLER. When Orpheus (as old stories shew) But thou, the worst of mortal scrapers TRUE PATRIOTISM A few years ago one of the male convicts in Botany-Bay wrote a farce; which was acted with great applause on the theatre, in Port Jackson. Barrington, the noted pickpocket, furnished the prologue, which ended with these lines: True patriots we, for be it understood, ALL GONE OUT. Not long since a gentleman near Birmingham, having occasion to see a friend, called at his house, and was told he was gone out; to save the trouble of calling again, he expressed a wish to see the mistress, but she also was gone out. That no time might be lost, he requested to see the young master, but he likewise was out. Wishing, however, not to go without accomplishing his business, on saying he would then walk in, and sit by the fire till one of them returned, he was told by Pat, "Indeed, Sir, and you can't, for that is gone out too !" but two days ago." EPITAPH ON A MAN AND HIS WIFE. A wonder to behold: Husband and wife, in one dark pit, Tread softly tho', for fear she wakes ;— Hark, she begins already : You've hurt my head;-my shoulder akes ;- Ah, friend! with happy freedom blest! THE EXECUTION. At to have annual visitations, in order to settle the EPITAPH ON MR. FOOTE. Here lies one Foot, whose death may thousands save, For death has now one Foote within the grave. COPY OF A DROLL EVIDENCE, Delivered by the Rev. Mr. J. W, rector of Counsel. Call the Rev. Mr. J. W. of Rockland, St. Peters. Clerk of Assize, Mr. J. W- , a rector called. Counsel. Mr. Walpole, 1 think you live at Rockland, St. Peters? mother. Walpole. No, Sir, I don't live there; I am Parson of the parish, and the living came by my Counsel. Sir, I don't ask you after the preferment, nor how you came by it. An under-sheriff having to attend a malefactor to execution on a Friday, went to him the Wednesday before, to ask the following favour: "My good friend," said the sheriff, "you know I have orders to see you executed next Friday; now I have business of the utmost importance at London on that day, and as you must die so soon, one day's difference can make no odds, and I should take it as a particular favour if you would be hanged on Thursday morning.' The L. C. Justice. Mr. Walpole, pray where do prisoner replied, "I am very sorry I cannot oblige you in this particular; for I have some bu siness of great importance on Friday morning but, Mr. Sheriff, to shew you that I am not an ungrateful man, suppose we put off this said execution till Monday morning; if you like that, Mr. Sheriff, I'll agree to it with all my heart." EXCHANGING SERMONS. you live? Walpole. May it please your Lordship, at New Buckingham, just by Tom Tunmore's, at the Crown Counsel. Pray do you know one Mr. Parsons, It is customary for the clergy in most counties how does he behave in your town? THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. Walpole. Sir, he is a well-built man for]" Scoundrel, begone! and henceforth touch me strength, he goes in a blue coat and buckskin pair of breeches. not; More manners learn, and at a distance rot." Counsel. Sir, I don't ask you what sort of a" How! scoundrel!" in a haughtier tone, said he, man he is, nor what dress he goes in. "Proud lump of dirt! I scorn thy words, and thee'; Walpole. Sir, as I am upon my oath, I thought I must give an account of all I know of him. Counsel. Yes, Sir, relating to the questions asked you. I mean, how does he behave, that is, does he behave well in your town? Walpole. Yes, Sir, very well; only he goes a little hobbling, but that he cannot help. Counsel. Sir, you do not take me right; has he a clear character of an honest, sober, well behaved man in your town? Here all are equal; now thy case is mine; A STUTTERING WAG. He A person once knocked at the door of a collegefellow, to enquire the apartments of a particular gentleman. When the fellow made his appearance, "Sir," said the enquirer, "will you be so obliging as to direct me to the rooms of Mr.Walpole. Yes, Sir, that he has; it is as seldom The fellow had the misfortune to stutter. he gets drunk as any man in town; perhaps in a began," S-S-S pl-pl-please to go to―― morning he will call on me to go to Tom Tunmore's, then stopped short. At length, collecting all his but we seldom drink above two or three full pots indignation to the tip of his tongue, he poured in a morning, and he goes home very sober consi-out a frightful expression, adding, as he shut the dering. door," You will find him sooner than I can direct you." Counsel. Pray, Sir, do you call it a sober iving man that drinks two or three full pots in a morning? BARRY AND HIS CARPENTER. " and The Dublin theatre, during Mr. Barry's manage. Walpole. He is a very moderate man in drinkment, failed, and he was considerably indebted to ing. he seldom takes more than half his share. Counsellor. Then, Sir, you have a good partner. his actors, musicians, &c. Among others, the Walpole. Sir, I like such meu best, and so master-carpenter called at Barry's house, and was does he, and we agree extremely well together, and never quarrel over our cups, that's all I know of him. PARLIAMENTARY REFORM. When Horne Tooke was rejected by the House of Commons, on account of the supposed purity of his clerical character, he compared his own situation to that of the girl at the Magdalen, who was told "she must turn out and qualify." A DREAM. I dream'd, that buried with my fellow clay, very clamorous in demanding his money. Barr¡ MR. BURKITT. 66 you owe me Mr. William Burkitt, author of a Practical Exposition of the New Testament, and other reliHe was edu gious books, was a facetious man. cated at Cambridge, and afterwards became mi |