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FEMALE CU ARMS.
think have passed us since you asked me the ques-
LOSS OF SIGHT AND SPECII. other ninety-nine."
The captain of a trading vessel having some con.
traband goods on board, which he wished to land, Our life is nothing but a winter's day.
said to an exciseinan, whom he knew, “If I was to pat Some only break their fast, and so away, a half-crown piece upon each of your eyes, could you Others stay dinner, and depart full fed; see?" The answer wa3—" No: and if I had another The deepest age but sups, and goes to bed :
upon my mouth, I could not speak.” He's most in debi that lingers out the day : Who dies betimes, has less and less to pay.
(From the Latin of Buchanan.) Miss Pope was rallied one evening in the green
To gaze upon thy face is bliss, room by a certain actress, more noted for her gal.
To hear thy voice with rapture charms, lantries than professional talents, on the largeness of
More than terrestrial joy thy kiss, her shape; on which she observed, " I can only wish
And heav'n itself within (hy arms. it, madam, as slender as your reputation."
A WOMAN'S LEARNING-
“ I should be glad to know," said a learned lady, In all humility we crave
angrily, “ how knowledge is incompatible with a Our sovereign may be our slave;
woman's situation in life. I should like to be told And humbly beg that he may be
why chemistry, geography, algebra, languages, and Betray'd by us most loyally:
the whole circle of arts and sciences, are not as bee And if he please once to lay down,
coming in her as in a man."-" I do not say," reHis sceptre, dignity, and crown,
plied an ingenious author, " that they are entirely We'll make him, for the time to come,
unbecoming; but I think, a very little of them will The greatest Prince in Chrisiendom.
answer the purpose. In my opinion, now, a woman's knowledge of chemistry should extend no further than
to the melting of butter; her geography to a thorough The King's Answer.
acquaintance with every hole and corner in the house ; Charles at this time having uo need, her algebra to keeping a correct account of the Thanks you as much as if he did.
expenses of the family; and as for tongues, Heaven
knows, that one is enough in all conscience, and the Dr. Johnson being in company with a very talk- less use she makes of that the better." ative lady, of whom he appeared to take very little notice, she, in a pique, said to him, “ Why, doctor,
At Ockham, in Surry, 1736. I believe you are not very fond of the company of The Lord saw good, I was lopping off wood, ladies.”—“ You are mistaken, madam,” replied he, And down fell from the tree; " I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their I met with a check, and I broke my neck vivacity, and I like their silence.
And so death lopp'd off me!
EPITAPH ON A WOODMAN,
THE IRISH SCHOOLMASrer's MODE OF TEACHING THE that's like a gibbet, with a little plug half way up,
your nose once more.
And that next you see,
for the hangman to put his foot on. Heaven bless Father M'Tutor’em, of the parish of O'Prosody, in you, my dear, and keep your mother's child from the the county of Docemus, sits himself down the monarch like of it, my jewel. That is called F; and F stands of a shed, to teach the little puny whipsters the for five. Arrah, now, and what's the next to F ?" Christ-Cross-row, so as to make the most lasting im “ I don't know." pression. He has all the little fry for five miles round, Arrah, now, why don't you know ?" whose fathers can afford to give five coppers a week " Because I can't tell." for their education.
“ Now you do know and you can tell. Arrah! There was little Dermot, little Phelim, Terence what does the carman say, when he wants his horses M'Bluderoch, and Paddy O'Drogheda, &c. &c. to go faster ?"
Pacher M'Tutor'em called in this manner upon the “Gee." last new comer, who, be it knowrı, knew as much of “ To be sure ; and that's the letter G. And if any the alphabet as he did of the longitude.
body should ask you which of your hands goes bare" Yon little O'Shaughinossy, come hither with fout for want of a glove, you may say H, which is yourself. Bring your primer in your paw, and the same as both ; and H stands for horse, or horses, your coppers in your fist. Blow your nose, and hold and I stands for jockies. Now, my little fellow, tp your head like a man. Arrah! don't be hunting agusee Blubberlip Cobbler's daughter eat up five ginaiter the flies across the ceiling ; but cock your eye gerbread horse-jockies, boots, spurs, whips, buckskin and look straight at your book, that you may shoot breeches and all. Mercy on us! what a devil of a every letter flying
twist! "You see that letter that looks for all the world “ Now I've taught you one third of your lesson, like the gable of your father's cabin, with a beam and I'll teach you the other two halves when 'you across the middle of it; that is called A-agusee A; have knocked that under the sca!l-cap. And then, and that letter, the next door neighbour, is namesake my jewel, I'll tell you how to spell. Arrah, but to the little gentleman that sucks the fiowers, fills the spelling is reading itself, my dear honey; for instance boney pois, and carries a damned long sting in his now, in the word Constantinople, which, I believe, if tail; that is Mr. B. and B stands for Blubljerlip: my recollection don't fail me, is that great city, my Arrah now, what makes you pout out your lip so? dear, of which Turkey is the metropolis, where Grand Tuck in the selvage of your mouth, blow your nose, Turks keep a whole regiment of Janissaries, who, and hold up your head like a man. The next is, for mercy on us, are devils of fellows at a March. But all the world, like the sign of the half-moon, where you'll know more of these things by and by, when Judy Mac Gluthery sells whiskey; and that is called you read history, my little fellow. You'll find C, and stands for Cobbler, or Cobblers. And you see also, if the Turks have their Januaries, the Romans the next, that is for all the world like the broken han- had their Decembers, and their July Cæsars. But dle of a pair of spuffers ; and that is called D, and D now to spell the word. Constantinople, my dear. stands for Daughter; agusee Cobbler's Daughter; C, O, N, Con, that's the Con; S, T, A, N, stan, agusee, Blubberlip Cobbler's Daughter. And that ---that's the stan, and the Constan; T, I, ti, next is called E, which the English flats, bodderation that's the ti, and the stanti, and the Constanti ; to'ers, call E E, as if there were two of them. By N, 0, no—that's the no, and the tino, and the stanmy conscience, they might as well say cheek hand- rino, and the Constantino, P, L, E,—that's the ple, kerchief, instead of check handkerchief, though it and nople, and the linople, and the stantinople, and was only made for the nose-that's true! Blow the Constantinople. Now run home with yourself,
before the spallpeens and the coog horns eat up the My heart is like an Irish stew, pratees and butter-milk, my jewel.
My broin like batter pudding;
And not a drop of blood in,
I'm sure you wouldn't wonder, “My dear, what makes you always yawn ?”
Her mouth it runs from ear to ear, The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
With voice as soft as thunder. “ Is home so dull and dreary?” “Not so, my love,” he said, “ not so;
I melt like butter at her look, But man and wife are one you know ;
And if its kind I'm crazy, And when alone I'm weary.”
She mention'd once the parson's book,
I told her I was lazy.
My heart with transport 'gins to jump, A short time before the death of Judge Foster, he
When she begins tv gammon, went the Oxford Circuit in one of the hottest summers
A rib it bent at every thump, ever remembered, when his charge to the Grand Jury It leap'd up like a salmon. was to this effect :-“ Gentlemen, the weather is
And yet so tender by the by, extremely hot, I am very old, and you are well ac That when she cuts an onion, quainted with your duty:--practise it."
You'll see the tear start in her eye,
Like granny reading Bunyan,
But what avails it now to whine, In the time of Elward II. a hearty laugh cost the
And crying eyes to jelly, king four crowns. We find in the Antiquarian Re
The clock has struck, it's time to dine, pository, the following item in ove of the king's ac
Love will not fill the belly. counts: “ Item. When the king was at Walmer, to Morris, the clerk of the kitchen, who when the king was hunting did ride before the king, and often fell down from his horse, whereat the king laughed A gentleman who was quitting the Court of King's greatly, 20s.!"
Bench, found some difficulty in pressing his way out, and coming toc closely in contact with the gowa of
a barrister, the latter exclaimed, “ Do mind, Sir; I little thought that I should be
don't tear one to pieces." "No, sir," said the genOne day so fond a lover,
“ that is your business, not mine.” But Nanny spread her nets for me, I'm taken like a plover.
BUSINESS AND PLEASURE For flesh and blood, and good blue veins,
When Mrs. Baddeley was once contined for debt There's none like Nanny Brawny.
in a lock-up-house, she sung so sweetly that she sung She leads me with a rope of grains,
herself out of her cage; but her keeper soon found the As int'rest leads young Sawney.
fatal effects of the siren's voice, and was immured She treats me worse than fish or fowl,
himself. Being asked by a fellow prisoner in the She roasts and then she hates me,
King's Bench, “what business he had there ?" I'm grown as stupid as an owl,
" Faith,” replied be, “ I had no business here.-I Its love I'm told that wastes me.
came here for pleasure.”
A LIMB OF THE LAW.
PAT AND THE COOK MAID.
SINGING AND JUMPING.
NEW USE OF THE COMMANDMENTS.
him. She therefore told him, unless he entered into Handel was once the proprietor of the Opera- which would still render her marriage with him per
a new and legal engagement, she would take a step house, London, and at the time presided at the harp- fectly valid. He laughed at her ; but she performed sichord in the orchestra. His embellishments were so masterly that the attention of the audience was her promise, by bringing a certificate, and producing frequently diverted from the singing to the accom
a register, by which it appeared that the Maiden paniment, to the frequent mortification of the vocal Lane pastry-cook, previous to his marriage with her, professors. A pompous Italian singer was once so This disconcerted the merchant; who, however, got
was married to another woman, who was then alive. chagrined at the marked attertion paid to the harp- rid of her importunities, by giving her a considersichord, in preference to his own singing, that he able"sum, on condition of her going to Jamaica, swore, that if ever Handel played him a similar trick, where she settled as keeper of a coffee-house, and he would jump down upon his instrument, and put a
died soon after, stop to the interruption. Upon which llar del thus accosted him :-"Oh! oh! you vill jump, vill you ? very vell, Sare; be so kind, and tell me de night ven you vill jump, and I vill advertishe it in de bills; and A gentlemen was one day telling a lady of thieves 1 shall get grate dale more money by your jumping having broken into a church, and stolen the comthan I shall get by your singing.'
munion-plate and the ten commandments—" I can
suppose,” added the informant, "that they may melt
and sell the plate, but can you divine for what posFoote being once annoyed by a poor fiddler "strain- Isible purpose they could take the commandments ?" ing harsh discord" under his window, sent him out a -“ To break them, to be sure,” replied she, “to shilling, with a request that he would play else- break them." where, as one scraper at the door was sufficient.
Two friends, who had not seen each other a long In the early part of Mr. Muilman's life, he be while, met one morning quite by chance. “ How do came enamoured with Constantia Philips; and, find- you do ?” said one. Why, not very well,” replied ing he could not procure her as a mistress, resolved the other ;“ I have been married since I saw you."to venture upon her as a wife. They married, but “ Well done, that is good news, however.”“Not were not happy. “Mr. Muilman,” said Constantia, so very good, for my wife was a most woful scold.” after they had been married about three months _“That was bad.”-“ Not so bad neither, she “Mr. Muilman, I believe you are heartily tired of brought me two thousand pourds.”—" That was conme, and I am as heartily tired of you ; so, if you will solation though.”—“Not entirely, for I speculated in settle five hundred a-year upon me, I will put you in sheep, which all died of the rot.”—“ That was very a way of dissolving our marriage." He eagerly em- unfortunate!"_“Not so very unfortunate, for I made braced the proposal, and gave her his bond for per- as much by their skins as I should have done by their forming the contract; on which she produced a flesh."-" Then you were as lucky as if it had not hapcertificate of her previous marriage to a pastry-cook, pened.”—“ Not quite ; for my house was one night who lived in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. This burnt, and every note of the money consumed."point being ascertained, Mr. Muilman refused to pay “What a most woful misfortune !"
-“ Not so woful her annuity; and she found there was a flaw in the as you may imagine, for my wife and my house were drawing up, which put it out of her power to compelburnt together."
THE BEST OF A BAD JOB.
ORTHOGRAPHY AND PUNCTUATION.
make a grant of the priory to our monastery?" The The husband of a pious woman having occasion to sick man, unable to speak, nodded his head. The make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the monk, turning round to the son, who was in the parson of the parish ; but instead of spelling and room, said, “ You see, Sir, my Lord, your father, pointing it properly, viz. A person having gone to assents to my request.” The son immediately exsea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation," claimed, with great gravity, “ Father, is it your she spelled and pointed it as follows:
blessed will that I should kick this monk ilownstairs." having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the The same nod was given as before ; upon which the congregation.” The parson read it accordingly. youth said, “ You see it is my father's good plea
sure ;" and with a few lusty kicks, he sent him down
headlong. A French traveller lodged at a very humble inn, in a little town near Lausanne, and made only a frugal meal ; but when the moment arrived for paving his door,“ will you tell me if this is a good seven
“ Sir” said a barber to an attorney who was pass. ment, his host demanded twelve francs. Twelve frades !” exclaimed the traveller.-“ Is there no jus- good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great
shilling piece.” The lawyer pronouncing the piece tice in this country?”—“ Pardonnez moi, Monsieur, il y a de la justice,” replied the innkeeper, with Swiss
gravity, If you'll send your lad to my ottice, I'll
return the four-pence." phlegm. " Eh ! bien, je cours chez le magistrat.” The traveller set out for the commune, where he was
SPENCER'S FAIRY QUEEN obliged to wait a considerable time. At length he When Spencer had finished the Fairy Queen, he was introduced into the hall, but imagine his sur-carried it to the Earl of Southampton, ihe great prise, when he found his landlord was to be his patron of the poets of those days. The manuscript judge! You have some complaint to make, Sir, I being sent up to the earl, he read a few pages, and believe ?" said l'aubergiste magistrat. “ Yes, Sir." then ordered the servant to give the writer twenty
Well, Sir, what have you to say?". “Eh par- pounds. Reading further, he cried, in a rapture, blen ! you know best – take your bill and judge your Carry that man another twenty pounds!" Proself." "
You are right said the burgomaster-" je ceeding still, he said, “Give bim twenty pounds condamnc l'aubergiste à ne receroir que six francs ; more.' Bui at length he lost all patience, and said, il faut que chacun fasse son état dans ce monde." “ Go turn that fellow out of the house, for if I read
ou I shall be ruined.” A courtier having asked Augustus for a salary to a place he held, said it was not for the value of the As the king was passing in review sereral regithing, but for the sake of seeming to have deserved it ments near Potsdam, he oberved a soldier who had a at his hands, Well,” replied Augustus, " tell large scar over his face - Finding lie was a Frenchevery body that you receive one, and I will not deny inan, Frederic addressed him in his native language, it."
FREDERIC THE OPEAT.
saying, “ In what alehouse did you get wounded ?" –
The soldier sinartly replied, “In that where your A monk baving introduced binself to the bed. Majesty paid the reckoning." side of a dying nobleman, of considerable wealth, who was at the time in a state approaching to insensibility, A gentleman of a malevolent and waspish dissaid to him in an urgent tone, " My Lord, will you position, having died it was reported by some persons