Abbildungen der Seite

think have passed us since you asked me the question "–“Why,” answered the doctor, “perhaps a hundred.”—“And how many out of that hundred, think you, possess common sense "— “Possibly ose,” answered the doctor. “Then,” said Rock, “ that one comes to You ; and I take care to get the other ninety-nine.”

LIFE. Our life is nothing but a winter's day. Some only break their fast, and so away, Others stay dinner, and depart full fed; The deepest age but sups, and goes to bed: He's most in debt that lingers out the day; Who dies betimes, has less and less to pay.

- Mt Iss pope.

Miss Pope was rallied one evening in the greenroom by a certain actress, more noted for her gal. lantries than professional talents, on the largeness of her shape; on which she observed, “I can only wish it, madam, as slender as your reputation."

The cox' Mo'Ns' petition to chA R Les II.
In all humility we crave
Our sovereign may be our slave;
And humbly beg that he may be
Betray'd by us most loyally:
And if he please once to lay down,
His sceptre, dignity, and crown,
We'll make him, for the time to come,
The greatest Prince in Christendom.
Rocheste R,

The King's Answer. o Charles at this time having no need, Thanks you as much as if he did. FEM Ale Accomplish Mr.Nors. Dr. Johnson being in company with a very talkative lady, of whom he appeared to take very little notice, she, in a pique, said to him, “Why, doctor, I believe you are not very fond of the company of ladies.”—“You are mistaken, madam,” replied he, “I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.

[ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

A wox1AN's LEA RNING. “I should be glad to know,” said a learned lady, angrily, “how knowledge is incompatible with a woman's situation in life. I should like to be told why chemistry, geography, algebra, languages, and the whole circle of arts and sciences, are not as becoming in her as in a man.”—“I do not say," replied an ingenious author, “that they are entirely unbecoming; but I think, a very little of them will answer the purpose. In my opinion, now, a woman's knowledge of chemistry should extend no further than to the melting of butter; her geography to a thorough acquaintance with every hole and corner in the house; her algebra to keeping a correct account of the expenses of the to." and as for tongues, Heaven knows, that one is enough in all conscience, and the

less use she makes of that the better.”

1. PITA Prs ox A wood MAN, At Ockham, in Surry, 1736. The Lord saw good, I was lopping off wood, And down fell from the tree; I met with a check, and I broke my neck And so death lopp'd off me !

[ocr errors]

Father M'Tutor'em, of the parish of O'Prosody, in the county of Docemus, sits himself down the monarch of a shed, to teach the little puny whipsters the Christ-Cross-row, so as to make the most lasting impression. He has all the little fry for five miles round, whose fathers can afford to give five coppers a week for their education.

There was little Dermot, little Phelim, Terence M'Bluderoch, and Paddy O'Drogheda, &c. &c.

Father M'Tutor'em called in this manner upon the last new comer, who, be it known, knew as much of the alphabet as he did of the longitude.

-- W. little O'Shaughnossy, come hither with yourself. Bring your primer in your paw, and your coppers in your fist. Blow your nose, and hold up your head like a man. Arrah! don't be hunting after the flies across the ceiling ; but cock your eye and look straight at your book, that you may shoot every letter flying.

“You see that letter that looks for all the world like the gable of your father's cabin, with a beam across the middle of it; that is called A–agusee A ; and that letter, the next door neighbour, is namesake to the little gentleman that sucks the fiowers, fills the boney pots, and carries a damned long sting in his tail; that is Mr. B. and B stands for Blubberlip. Arrah now, what makes you pout out your lip so Tuck in the selvage of your mouth, blow your nose, and hold up your head like a man. . The next is, for all the ... like the sign of the half-moon, where Judy Mac Gluthery sells whiskey; and that is called C, and stands for Cobbler, or Cobblers. And you see the next, that is for all the world like the broken handle of a pair of snuffers; and that is called D, and D stands for Daughter; agusee Cobbler's Daughter; agusee, Blubberlip Cobbler's Daughter. And that next is called E, which the English flats, bodderation to 'em, call E. E., as if there were two of them. By my conscience, they might as well say cheek handkerchief, instead of check handkerchief, though it was only made for the nose—that's true! Blow

your nose once more. And that next you see, that's like a gibbet, with a little plug half way up, for the hangman to put his foot on. Heaven bless you, my dear, and keep your mother's child from the like of it, my jewel. That is called F; and F stands for five. Arrah, now, and what's the next to Ft.” “I don't know.” - “Arrah, now, why don't you know?” “Because I can't tell.” “Now you do know and you can tell. Arrah! what does the carman say, when he wants his horses to go faster 2" “Gee.” “To be sure; and that's the letter G. And if any body should ask you which of your hands goes barefoot for want of a glove, you may say H, which is the same as both ; and H stands for horse, or horses, and I stands for jockies. Now, my little fellow, agusee Blubberlip Cobbler's daughter eat up five gingerbread horse-jockies, boots, spurs, whips, buckskin breeches and . Mercy on us! what a devil of a twist! “Now I’ve taught you one third of your lesson, and I'll teach you the other two halves when 'you have knocked that under the scull-cap. And then, my, jewel, I'll tell you how to spell. Arrah, but spelling is reading itself, my dear honey; for instance now, in the word Constantinople, which, I believe, if my recollection don't fail me, is that great city, my dear, of which Turkey is the metropolis, where Grand Turks keep a whole regiment of Janissaries, who, mercy on us, are devils of fellows at a March. But you'll know more of these things by and by, when you read history, my little fellow. You’ll find also, if the Turks have their Januaries, the Romans had their Decembers, and their July Caesars. But now to spell the word Constantinople, my dear. C, O, N, Con, that's the Con; S, T, A, N, stan, —that's the stan, and the Constan, T, I, ti, that's the ti, and the stanti, and the Constanti o N, O, no—that's the no, and the tino, and the stantino, and the Constantino, P, L, E,-that's the ple, and nople, and the tinople, and the stantinople, and the Constantinople. Now run home with yourself,

[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]

My heart is like an Irish stew,
My brain like batter pudding;

My veins are neither black nor blue,
And not a drop of bloodin.

No wonder if you saw my dear, I'm sure you wouldn't wonder,

Her mouth it runs from ear to ear, With voice as soft as thunder.

I melt like butter at her look,
And if its kind I'm crazy,
She mention'd once the parson's book,
I told her I was lazy.
My heart with transport 'gins to jump,
When she begins to gammon,
A rib it bent at every thump,
It leap'd up like a salmon.
And yet so tender by the by,
That when she cuts an onion,
You'll see the tear start in her eye,
Like granny reading Bunyan, o
But what avails it now to whine,
And crying eyes to jelly,
The clock has struck, it's time to dine,
Love will not fill the belly.

[merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

sing in G AND JUMPING.

, Handel was once the proprietor of the Operahouse, London, and at the time presided at the harpsichord in the orchestra. His embellishments were so masterly that the attention of the audience was frequently diverted from the singing to the accomPaniment, to the frequent mortification of the vocal professors. A pompous Italian singer was once so chagrined at the marked attention paid to the harpsichord, in preference to his own singing, that he swore, that if ever Handel played him a similar trick, he would jump down upon his instrument, and put a stop to the interruption. Upon which Ilandel thus accosted him —“Oh! oh! you will jump, vill you ? very vell, Sare; be so kind, and tell me de night ven you will jump, and I will advertishe it in de bills; and shall get grate dale more money by your jumping than I shall get by your singing.”

Scranor. Its. Foote being once annoyed by a poor fiddler “straining harsh discord” under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one scraper at the door was sufficient.

co NSTANTIA Pii il I Ps.

In the early part of Mr. Muilman's life, he became enamoured with Constantia Philips; and, finding he could not procure her as a mistress, resolved to venture upon her as a wife. They married, but were not happy. “Mr. Muilman,” said Constantia, after they had been married about three months— “Mr. Muilman, I believe you are heartily tired of me, and I am as heartily tired of you; so, if you will settle five hundred a-year upon me, I will put you in a way of dissolving our marriage.” He eagerly embraced the proposal, and gave her his bond for performing the contract; on which she produced a certificate of her previous marriage to a pastry-cook, who lived in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. This i." being ascertained, Mr. Muilman refused to pay

r annuity; and she found there was a flaw in the drawing up, which put it out of her power to compel

him. She therefore told him, unless he entered into a new and legal engagement, she would take a step which would still render her marriage with him persectly valid. He laughed at her; but she performed her promise, by bringing a certificate, and producing a register, by which it appeared that the Maiden Lane pastry-cook, previous to his marriage with her, was married to another woman, who was then alive. This disconcerted the merchant ; who, however, got rid of her importunities, by giving her a considerable sum, on condition of her going to Jamaica, where she settled as keeper of a coffee-house, and died soon after.

[blocks in formation]

Two friends, who had not seen each other a long while, met one morning quite by chance. “How do you do?” said one. “Why, not very well,” replied the other; “I have been married since I saw you."— “Well done, that is good news, however.”—“Not so very good, for my wife was a most woful scold.” —“That was bad.”—“Not so bad neither, she brought me two thousand pounds.”—“That was consolation though.”—“Not entirely, for I speculated in sheep, which all died of the rot.”—“That was very unfortunate!"—“Not so very unfortunate, for I made as much by their skins as I should have done by their flesh.”—“Then you were as lucky as if it had not .. pened.”—“Not quite; for my house was one night burnt, and every note of the money consumed.”— “What a most woful misfortune?”—“Not so woful as you may imagine, for my wife and my house were burnt together.”

[merged small][ocr errors]

A French traveller lodged at a very humble inn, in a little town near Lausanne, and made only a frugal meal; but when the moment arrived for payment, his host demanded twelve francs. “Twelve francs "exclaimed the traveller.—“Is there no justice in this country?”—“Pardonnez moi, Monsieur, ily a de la justice,” replied the innkeeper, with Swiss

hlegm. “ Eh 1 bien, je cours chez le magistrat.” The traveller set out for the commune, where he was obliged to wait a considerable time. At length he was introduced into the hall, but imagine his surprise, when he found his landlord was to be his judge “You have some complaint to make, Sir, I believe t” said l'aubergiste magistrat. “Yes, Sir.” —“Well, Sir, what have you to say?”—“ Eh parbleu o you know best—take your bill and judge yourself.”—“You are right id the burgomaster—“je condamne l'aubergiste a ne recevoir que sir francs; il faut que chacun sasse son etat dans ce monde."

Au Gust A N Li ek it al., it Y.

A courtier having asked Augustus for a salary to a place he held, said it was not for the value of the thing, but scr the sake of seeming to have descrved it at his hands. “Well,” replied Augustus, “tell every body that you receive one, and I will not deny it.”

[ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

make a grant of the priory to our monastery 1" The sick man, unable to speak, nodded his head. The monk, turning round to the son, who was in the room, said, “You see, Sir, my Lord, your father, assents to my request.” The son immediately exclaimed, with great gravity, “Father, is it yout blessed will that I should kick this monk down stairs " The same nod was given as before ; upon which the youth said, “You see it is my father's good plea. sure;” and with a few lusty kicks, he sent him, lo. headlong.

Leg A. L and vice.

“Sir” said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, “will you tell me if this is a good sevenshilling piece.” The lawyer pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity, “If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the four-pence.”

sp E.NcER's FAIRY QUEEN When Spencer had finished the Fairy Queen, he carried it to the Earl of Southampton, the great patron of the poets of those days. The manuscript being sent up to the earl, he read a few pages, and then ordered the servant to give the writer twenty pounds. Reading further, he cried, in a rapture, * Carry that man another twenty pounds!" Proceeding still, he said, “Give him twenty poends more.” But at length he lost all patience, and said, “Go turn that fellow out of the house, for if I read on 1 shall be ruined.”

for deric trir great.

As the king was passing in review several regiments near Potsdam, he oberved a soldier who had a large scar over his face—Finding he was a Frenchman, Frederic addressed him in his native language, saying, “In what alehouse did you get wounded "The soldier smartly replied, “In that where your Majesty paid the reckoning."


A gentleman of a malevolent and waspish dis

position, having died it was reported by some persons

« ZurückWeiter »