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Miss Pope was rallied one evening in the greenroom by a certain actress, more noted for her gal. lantries than professional talents, on the largeness of her shape; on which she observed, "I can only wish it, madam, as slender as your reputation."

THE COMMONS' PETITION TO CHARLES II.
In all humility we crave

Our sovereign may be our slave;
And humbly beg that he may be
Betray'd by us most loyally:
And if he please once to lay down,
His sceptre, dignity, and crown,
We'll make him, for the time to come,
The greatest Prince in Christendom.

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TO PHILLIS.

Phillis, you little rosy rake,

That heart of yours I long to rifle :
Come, give it me; why should you make
So much ado about a trifte?

LOSS OF SIGHT AND SPEECH.

The captain of a trading vessel having some contraband goods on board, which he wished to land, said to an exciseman, whom he knew, "If I was to put a half-crown piece upon each of your eyes, could you see?" The answer was-"No: and if I had another upon my mouth, I could not speak."

FEMALE CHARMS.

(From the Latin of Buchanan.)

To gaze upon thy face is bliss,

To hear thy voice with rapture charms, More than terrestrial joy thy kiss,

And heav'n itself within thy arms.

A WOMAN'S LEARNING

"I should be glad to know," said a learned lady, angrily, "how knowledge is incompatible with a woman's situation in life. I should like to be told why chemistry, geography, algebra, languages, and the whole circle of arts and sciences, are not as becoming in her as in a man.' "I do not say," replied an ingenious author, "that they are entirely unbecoming; but I think, a very little of them will answer the purpose. In my opinion, now, a woman's knowledge of chemistry should extend no further than to the melting of butter; her geography to a thorough acquaintance with every hole and corner in the house; her algebra to keeping a correct account of the expenses of the family; and as for tongues, Heaven knows, that one is enough in all conscience, and the less use she makes of that the better."

EPITAPH ON A WOODMAN,
At Ockham, in Surry, 1736.
The Lord saw good, I was lopping off wood,
And down fell from the tree;

I met with a check, and I broke my neck
And so death lopp'd off me!

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Father M'Tutor'em, of the parish of O'Prosody, in the county of Docemus, sits himself down the monarch of a shed, to teach the little puny whipsters the Christ-Cross-row, so as to make the most lasting impression. He has all the little fry for five miles round, whose fathers can afford to give five coppers a week for their education.

There was little Dermot, little Phelim, Terence M'Bluderoch, and Paddy O'Drogheda, &c. &c. Father M'Tutor'em called in this manner upon the last new comer, who, be it known, knew as much of the alphabet as he did of the longitude.

You little O'Shaughnossy, come hither with yourself. Bring your primer in your paw, and your coppers in your fist. Blow your nose, and hold up your head like a man. Arrah! don't be hunting after the flies across the ceiling; but cock your eye and look straight at your book, that you may shoot every letter flying.

your nose once more.

that's like a gibbet, with a little plug half way up,
And that next you see,
for the hangman to put his foot on. Heaven bless
you, my dear, and keep your mother's child from the
like of it, my jewel. That is called F; and F stands
for five. Arrah, now, and what's the next to F?"
"I don't know."

"Arrah, now, why don't you know?”
"Because I can't tell."

"Now you do know and you can tell. Arrah! what does the carman say, when he wants his horses to go faster?"

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"You see that letter that looks for all the world "Now I've taught you one third of your lesson, like the gable of your father's cabin, with a beam and I'll teach you the other two halves when 'you across the middle of it; that is called A-agusee A; have knocked that under the scull-cap. And then, and that letter, the next door neighbour, is namesake my jewel, I'll tell you how to spell. Arrah, but to the little gentleman that sucks the flowers, fills the spelling is reading itself, my dear honey; for instance boney pots, and carries a damned long sting in his now, in the word Constantinople, which, I believe, if tail; that is Mr. B. and B stands for Blubberlip. my recollection don't fail me, is that great city, my Arrah now, what makes you pout out your lip so? dear, of which Turkey is the metropolis, where Grand Tuck in the selvage of your mouth, blow your nose, Turks keep a whole regiment of Janissaries, who, and hold up your head like a man. The next is, for mercy on us, are devils of fellows at a March. But all the world, like the sign of the half-moon, where you'll know more of these things by and by, when Judy Mac Gluthery sells whiskey; and that is called you read history, my little fellow. You'll find C, and stands for Cobbler, or Cobblers. And you see also, if the Turks have their Januaries, the Romans the next, that is for all the world like the broken han- had their Decembers, and their July Cæsars. But dle of a pair of snuffers; and that is called D, and D now to spell the word Constantinople, my dear. stands for Daughter; agusee Cobbler's Daughter; C, O, N, Con,-that's the Con; S, T, A, Ñ, stan, agusee, Blubberlip Cobbler's Daughter. And that that's the stan, and the Constan; T, I, ti, next is called E, which the English flats, bodderation that's the ti, and the stanti, and the Constanti; to 'em, call E E, as if there were two of them. By N, O, no-that's the no, and the tino, and the stan my conscience, they might as well say cheek hand-ting, and the Constantino, P, L, E,—that's the ple, kerchief, instead of check handkerchief, though it and nople, and the tinople, and the stantinople, and was only made for the nose-that's true! Blow the Constantinople. Now run home with yourself,

before the spallpeens and the cooghorns eat up the pratees and butter-milk, my jewel.

"Where's your manners? Make your bow. Oh, you will be a Clargy one of these days!"

MATRIMONY.

"My dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?" "Not so, my love," he said," not so; But man and wife are one you know ; And when alone I'm weary."

LACONIC CHARGE.

A short time before the death of Judge Foster, he went the Oxford Circuit in one of the hottest summers ever remembered, when his charge to the Grand Jury was to this effect :-" Gentlemen, the weather is extremely hot, I am very old, and you are well acquainted with your duty:--practise it."

ROYAL MIRTH.

In the time of Edward II. a hearty laugh cost the king four crowns. We find in the Antiquarian Repository, the following item in one of the king's accounts: "Item. When the king was at Walmer, to Morris, the clerk of the kitchen, who when the king was hunting did ride before the king, and often fel down from his horse, whereat the king laughed greatly, 20s.!"

PAT AND THE COOK MAID.

I little thought that I should be
One day so fond a lover,

But Nanny spread her nets for me,
I'm taken like a plover.

For flesh and blood, and good blue veins,
There's none like Nanny Brawny.
She leads me with a rope of grains,
As int'rest leads young Sawney.
She treats me worse than fish or fowl,
She roasts and then she hates me,

I'm grown as stupid as an owl,

Its love I'm told that wastes me.

My heart is like an Irish stew,

My brain like batter pudding;
My veins are neither black nor blue,
And not a drop of blood in.
No wonder if you saw my dear,

I'm sure you wouldn't wonder,
Her mouth it runs from ear to ear,
With voice as soft as thunder.
I melt like butter at her look,
And if its kind I'm crazy,

She mention'd once the parson's book,
I told her I was lazy.

My heart with transport 'gins to jump,
When she begins to gammon,
A rib it bent at every thump,

It leap'd up like a salmon.
And yet so tender by the by,

That when she cuts an onion, You'll see the tear start in her eye, Like granny reading Bunyan, But what avails it now to whine, And crying eyes to jelly,

The clock has struck, it's time to dine, Love will not fill the belly.

A LIMB OF THE LAW.

A gentleman who was quitting the Court of King's Bench, found some difficulty in pressing his way out, and coming too closely in contact with the gown of a barrister, the latter exclaimed, "Do mind, Sir; don't tear one to pieces." "No, sir," said the gen tleman," that is your business, not mine."

BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.

When Mrs. Baddeley was once confined for debt in a lock-up-house, she sung so sweetly that she sung herself out of her cage; but her keeper soon found the fatal effects of the siren's voice, and was immured himself. Being asked by a fellow prisoner in the King's Bench, "what business he had there?" "Faith," replied he, "I had no business here.-I came here for pleasure."

SINGING AND JUMPING.

him. She therefore told him, unless he entered into Handel was once the proprietor of the Opera-which would still render her marriage with him pera new and legal engagement, she would take a step house, London, and at the time presided at the harp-fectly valid. He laughed at her; but she performed sichord in the orchestra. His embellishments were her promise, by bringing a certificate, and producing so masterly that the attention of the audience was frequently diverted from the singing to the accoma register, by which it appeared that the Maiden paniment, to the frequent mortification of the vocal Lane pastry-cook, previous to his marriage with her, was married to another woman, who was then alive. professors. A pompous Italian singer was once so This disconcerted the merchant; who, however, got chagrined at the marked attention paid to the harp-rid of her importunities, by giving her a considersichord, in preference to his own singing, that he able sum, on condition of her going to Jamaica, swore, that if ever Handel played him a similar trick, where she settled as keeper of a coffee-house, and he would jump down upon his instrument, and put a stop to the interruption. Upon which Hardel thus accosted him :-"Oh! oh! you vill jump, vill you? very vell, Sare; be so kind, and tell me de night ven you vill jump, and I vill advertishe it in de bills; and 1 shall get grate dale more money by your jumping than I shall get by your singing."

SCRAPERS.

died soon after.

NEW USE OF THE COMMANDMENTS.

A gentlemen was one day telling a lady of thieves having broken into a church, and stolen the communion-plate and the ten commandments-" I can suppose," added the informant, "that they may melt and sell the plate, but can you divine for what pos[sible purpose they could take the commandments?" "To break them, to be sure," replied she, "to

Foote being once annoyed by a poor fiddler "straining harsh discord" under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play else-break them." where, as one scraper at the door was sufficient.

CONSTANTIA PHILIPS.

THE BEST OF A BAD JOB.

Two friends, who had not seen each other a long In the early part of Mr. Muilman's life, he be- while, met one morning quite by chance. "How do came enamoured with Constantia Philips; and, find-you do?" said one. Why, not very well," replied the other; "I have been married since I saw you."Well done, that is good news, however."" Not so very good, for my wife was a most woful scold." "That was bad."-"Not so bad neither, she brought me two thousand pounds."-" That was consolation though."-" Not entirely, for I speculated in sheep, which all died of the rot.' "That was very unfortunate!"-" Not so very unfortunate, for I made as much by their skins as I should have done by their flesh."- Then you were as lucky as if it had not happened."-" Not quite; for my house was one night burnt, and every note of the money consumed.”. "What a most woful misfortune!"-" Not so woful as you may imagine, for my wife and my house were burnt together."

ing he could not procure her as a mistress, resolved
to venture upon her as a wife. They married, but
were not happy. "Mr. Muilman," said Constantia,
after they had been married about three months-
"Mr. Muilman, I believe you are heartily tired of
me, and I am as heartily tired of you; so, if you will
settle five hundred a-year upon me, I will put you in
a way of dissolving our marriage." He eagerly em-
braced the proposal, and gave her his bond for per-
forming the contract; on which she produced a
certificate of her previous marriage to a pastry-cook,
who lived in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. This
point being ascertained, Mr. Muilman refused to pay
her annuity; and she found there was a flaw in the
drawing up, which put it out of her power to compel

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46

LEGAL ADVICE.

SPENCER'S FAIRY QUEEN

A French traveller lodged at a very humble inn, in a little town near Lausanne, and made only a "Sir" said a barber to an attorney who was passfrugal meal; but when the moment arrived for paying his door," will you tell me if this is a good sevenment, his host demanded twelve francs. "Twelve francs !" exclaimed the traveller." Is there no jus- good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great shilling piece." The lawyer pronouncing the piece tice in this country?"-" Pardonnez moi, Monsieur, gravity, If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll il y a de la justice," replied the innkeeper, with Swiss return the four-pence." phlegm. "Eh! bien, je cours chez le magistrat." The traveller set out for the commune, where he was obliged to wait a considerable time. At length he was introduced into the hall, but imagine his surprise, when he found his landlord was to be his judge! "You have some complaint to make, Sir, I believe?" said l'aubergiste magistrat. "Yes, Sir." Well, Sir, what have you to say?"-"Eh parbleu! you know best-take your bill and judge your self."-"You are right said the burgomaster-"je condamne l'aubergiste à ne recevoir que six francs; il faut que chacun fasse son état dans ce monde."

AUGUSTAN LIBERALITY.

A courtier having asked Augustus for a salary to a place be held, said it was not for the value of the thing, but for the sake of seeming to have deserved it at his hands. "Well," replied Augustus, "tell every body that you receive one, and I will not deny

it."

MONK OUTWITTED.

A monk having introduced himself to the bedside of a dying nobleman, of considerable wealth, who was at the time in a state approaching to insensibility, said to him in an urgent tone, "My Lord, will you

When Spencer had finished the Fairy Queen, he carried it to the Earl of Southampton, the great patron of the poets of those days. The manuscript being sent up to the earl, he read a few pages, and then ordered the servant to give the writer twenty pounds. Reading further, he cried, in a rapture,

Carry that man another twenty pounds!" Proceeding still, he said, "Give him twenty pounds more." But at length he lost all patience, and said, "Go turn that fellow out of the house, for if I read on I shall be ruined."

FREDERIC THE GREAT,

As the king was passing in review several regiments near Potsdam, he oberved a soldier who had a large scar over his face-Finding he was a French. man, Frederic addressed him in his native language, saying, "In what alehouse did you get wounded?"The soldier smartly replied, "In that where your Majesty paid the reckoning."

SLANDER.

A gentleman of a malevolent and waspish disposition, having died it was reported by some persons

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