« ZurückWeiter »
THE ELDER BROTHER,
Here many a single gentlewoman came, Centre in London noise, and London follies, Pro tempore-full tender of her fame! Proud Covent-garden blooms in smoky glory;
Who, for a while, took leave of friends in townFor chairmen, coffee-rooms, piazzas, dollies,
“ Business, forsooth, to Yorkshire call'd her down, Cabbages, and comedians, fam'd in story!
Too weighty to be settled by attorney!”.
And, in a month or six weeks' time came back: On this gay spot (upon a sober plan) Dwelt a right regular, and staid, young man :
When ev'ry body cried_“Good lack ! Much did he early hours, and quiet, love;
How monstrous thin you've grown, upon your jourAnd was entitled, Mr. Isaac Shove. An orphan he : yet rich in expectations,
The Doctor, knowing that a puff of scandal Which nobody seem'd likely to supplant
Would blow his private trade to tatters, From that prodigious bore of all relations,
Dreaded to give the smallest handle A fusty, canting, stiff-rump'd, maiden aunt ;
To those who dabble in their neighbours' matters : The wealthy Miss Lucretia Cloghorty,
Therfore he wisely held it good, Who had brought Isaac up, and own'd to forty! To hide his practice from the neighbourhood Shove, on this maiden's will relied securely;
And not appear there as a resident, Who vow'd she ne'er would wed, to mar his riches; But merely one who casually went Full often would she say, of man, demurely
To see the ladies in the large brick-house"I can't abide the filthy things in breeches !"
To lounge and chat-not minding time a souse-
Like one to whom all business was quite foreign : He had apartments up two pair of stairs ; On the first floor lodged Dr. Crow;
And thus, he visited his female sick;
Who lay as thick, The landlord was a torturer of hairs,
Within his tenement of brick,
As rabbits in a warren.
And, if they sent in baste for his assistance,
He soon was with them-'twas no mighty distance Was not of law, nor music, nor divinity;
From the town's end, it was but bare a mile. He was obstetric; but, the fact is,
Now, Isaac Shove, He didn't in Lucina's turnpike practise;
Living above He took by-roads-reducing ladies' shapes,
This Dr. Crow, Who had secur'd themselves from is leading And knowing barber Twizzle liv'd below, apes,"
Thought it might be as wellBut kept the reputation of virginity.
Hearing so many knocks, single and doubleCrow had a roomy tenement of brick,
To buy, at his own cost, a street door bell, Inclos'd with walls, one mile from Hyde Park
And save confusion in the house, and trouble! Corner :
Whereby his (Isaac's, visitors might know, Fir trees and yews were planted round it thick ;
Without long waiting in the dirt and drizzle, No situation was forlorner!
To ring for him at once, and not to knock for Crow, or Yet notwithstanding folks might scout it,
Twizzle. It suited qualmish spinsters, who fell sick,
Besides, he now began to feel, And did not wish the world to know about it.
The want of it was rather ungenteel ;
For he had often thought it a disgrace,
And being Bacchi plenus--full of wineTo hear, wbile sitting in his room above,
Altho' he had a tolerable notion, Twizzle's shrill maid, in the first landing place,
At aiming at progressive motion, Screaming—“A man below vants Mister Shove!" 'Twas not direct-- twas serpentine. The bell was bought : the wire was made to steal
He work’d, with sinuosities, along, Round the dark staircase, like a tortur'd eel,
Like Monsieur Corkscrew, worming through a cork: Twisting and twining.
Not straight, like Corkscrew's proxy-stiff Don The jemmy kandle Twizzle's door-post grac'd:
At length with near four bottles in his pate,
He saw the woon shining on Shove's brass plateAnd legible, did "Mr. Shove” appear;
When reading—“ Please to ring the bell;"* And furthermore, which you might read right well,
And being civil, beyond measureWas—“ Please to ring the bell.”
Ring it!” says Toby—“very well!
I'll ring it with a deal of pleasure." At half past ten, precisely, to a second,
Toby, the kindest soul in all the town, Shove, every night, his supper ended ;
Gave it a jerk--that almost jerk'd it down. And sipp'd his glass of negus till he reckon'd, He waited full two minutes, no one came :
By his stop-watch, exactly one more quarter: He waited full two minutes more ; and then,
Then, as exactly, he untied one garter; Says Toby—“ If he's deaf, I'm not to blame,
I'll pull it for the gentleman again.”
But the first peal woke Isaac, in a fright;
Who, quick as lightning popping up his head, To be as naked as his mother bore him
Sat on his head's antipodes, in bed
Pale as a parsnip-bolt upright. Bating his shirt, and nightcap on his head.
At length, he wisely, to himself did say-
Calming his fears-
“Tush! 'tis some fool has rung, and ran away,"
Shove jump'd into the middle of the floor, But there are swilling wights in London town,
And trembling, at each breath of air that stirr'd, Term’d Jolly Dogs-Choice Spirits-alias, Swine ;
Ile grop'd down stairs, and open’d the street door, Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,
While Toly was performing peal the third ! Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.
Isaac eyed Tuby fe fully askaunt,
And saw lie was a strapper-stout and tall : These spendthrifts, who life's pleasure thus outrun- Then put this question—"Pray, Sir, what do ye waut! Dozing with head-aches till the afternoon
Says Toby—“I want nothing, Sir, at all.” Lose half men's regular estate of sun,
“ Vivant nothing, Sir ?-you've pull’d my bell, I vow, By borrowing too largely of the inoon.
As if you'd jerk it off the wire !" One of this kidney-Toby Tosspot hight
Quoth Toby--gravely making hinn a bowWas coming from the Bedford, late at night:
"] puild it, Sir, at your desire.”
" At mine ?"_" Yes, yours :-I hope I've done it Concluding Shove to be the person sent,
With an express from the Brick Tenement;
As Shove came up, tho' he had long time kept Isaac, now waxing wroth apace,
His character for patience very laudablySlamm'u the street door in Toby's face, He couldn't help, at ev'ry step he stepp'd, With all his might:
Grunting and grumbling in his gizzard, audibly! And Toby as he shut it, swore He was a dirty son of--something more
For Isaac's mental feelings, you must know, Tlian delicacy suffers me to write
Not only were considerably hurt; And lifting up the knocker, gave a knock,
But his corporeal alsoSo long and loud, it might have rais'd the dead;
Having no other clothing than a shirt; Twizzle declares his house sustain'd a shock,
A dress, beyond all doubt, most light and airy; Enough to shake his lodyers out of bed.
It being then a frost in January, Teos, his rage thus vented in the rar,
When Shove was deep down stairs the Doctor heard, Hient serpentining liome to take his nap.
- Being much nearer the stair top
Just here and there a random word, *Tis now high time to let you know, That the obstetric Dr. Crow
Of the soliloquy that Shove let drop. Awoke in the beginning of this matter,
But shortly by progression brought By Toby's tintinnabulary clatter
To contact nearer, At knowing that the bell belong'd to Shove,
The doctor, consequently, lieard him clearer ; He listen'd in luis bed, but did not move :
And then the fag-enu of this sentence caught He only did apostrophize
Which Shove repeated warmly, tho’he shiver'd;
“ D-n Twizzle's house! and d---n the bell; Sending to Hell, Shove and his bell,
And d-n the fool who rang
it!--Well, That wou'dn't let him close his eyes.
From all such plagues I'll quickly be deliver'd," But when he heard a thund'ring knock, says he “What, quickly be deliver’d?" echoes Crow : "That's certainly a messenger for me!
“Who is it !--Come; be sharp-reply, reply! Somebody ill in the brick house, no doubt!" Who wants to be deliver'd ? let me know?" Then mutter'd, hurrying on his dressing gown
Recovering his surprise, Shove answer'd—"* I ?”. "I wish my ladies, out of town,
“ You be deliver'il,” says the Doctor—"'Sblood!" Chose more convenient times for crying out!”. Hearing a man's gruif voice~" You lout,
lob! Cox, in the dark, now reach'd the staircase head,
You be deliver'd !-Come, that's very good;" Shove, in the dark, was coming up to bed.
Says Shove—“I will, so help me Bob!" A combination of ideas flocking
“ Fellow !" cried Crow, "you're drunk with filthy Upon the pericranium of Crow
beer : Occasion'd by the lasty knocking,
A drunkard, fellow, is a brute's next neighbour ! Succeeded by a foot he heard below But Miss Cloghorty's time was very near : He did, as many folks are apt to do,
And, I suppose, Lucretia's now in labour.” Who argue in the dark, and ia confusion;
“Zounds !'' bellows Shove - with rage, and wonder That is from the bypothesis he drew
wild! A false conclusion :
“Why then my maiden aunt is big with child,"
AUTHOP. AND CRITIC.
Here was at once a sad discovery made!
trade next the river. And I acquaint Mr. Sacri Lucretia's frolic now was past a joke
Schmidt, fourth, that I will not have any more co Shove trembled for his fortune, Crow his trade :
respondence with him.
FREDERICK." Both, both, saw ruin-by one fatal stroke!But with his aunt, when Isaac did discuss,
ADVANTAGES OF LOW PRICES. She hush’d the matter up by speaking thus
A gentleman in one of the steam packets, aski “Sweet Isaac !” said Lucretia, “ spare my fame!
the steward, when he came round to collect the pa Tho' for my babe I feel as should a mother, sage money, (of 6d each, for the best cabin,) if the Your fortune will continue much the same ;
was not some danger of being blown up. The latt For-keep the secret, you're bis Elder Brother !" promptly replied, “ No, sir, not the least; we ca
not afford to blow people up at these low prices.” DEGREES OF DRUNKENNESS. At the close of a tavern dinner, two of the company fell down stairs; the one tumbling to the first
Horace Walpole's correspondent, William Col landing-place, the other rolling to the bottom.-Some was remarkable for what is called a “comfortab one remarked, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes assurance." Dining in a party at Cambridge, 1 (observed a wag) but he is not so far gone as the took up from the table a gold snuff-box, belonging gentleman below!
a gentleman next to him, and bluntly remarked
its size, saying, “it was big enough to hold ti “ Vile critic!" exclaim'd a poor author in pique,
freedom of a corporation." “ Yes, Mr. Cole,” replie “In reviewing my work, why abuse it ?
the owner ; "it would hold any freedom but yours You've injur'd my fame by your cursed critique,
For nobody now will persue it."
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
“ Zounds !” said the client, “I would fain know ho Than by giving your work circulation!”
You can be friends, who were such foes just now!"
Thou fool!” said one ; "we lawyers, though so kees
Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between. Dr. Schmidt, of the cathedral of Berlin, wrote to Frederick II. in the following terms :
“SIRE-I acquaint your Majesty, first, that there A candidate at Surgeon's Hall, after a variety are wanting books of Psalms for the Royal Family ; questions, was thus interrogated :-" In such a case 1 acquaint your Majesty, second, that there wants sir, how would you act ?"_" Well, sir, if that di wood to warm the royal seats. I acquaint your not operate ?"_" But if that did not produce th Majesty, third, that the balustrade next the river, desired effect, of causing perspiration?"-" Why behind the church, is ruinous.
gentlemen," said the worried student, “if all these “SCHMIDT, Sacrist of the Cathedral.” should fail, I would direct the patient to be brough The King, much amused with the epistle, sent the here for examination .!" following:
“I acquaint you, Mr. Sacrist Schmidt, first, that those who want to sing may buy books. Second, I Here lies, thank God, a woman who acquaint Mr. Sacrist Schmidt that those who want to Quarrell’d and storm'd her whole life through ; be warm may buy wood. Third, I acquaint Mr. Sa- Tread gently o'er her mouldering form, crist Schmidt thui I shall no longer trust to the balus- | Or else you'll rouse another storm.
THE LAWYER AND CLIENT.
RELIEF BY PERSPIRATION.
EPITAPH ON A SCOLD.
To-day he's honour'd and in vast esteem, King Charles II. once asked Stiilingfleet, why he To-day he rises from the velvet bed,
To-morrow not a beggar values him: always read his sermons before him, when he always Tomorrow lies on one that's made of lead : preached without book elsewhere. king, the sig!ıt of so great and wise a prince, made To-day his house, tho' large, he thinks but small, him afraid to trust himself: with which answer the
To-morrow no command, no house at all : king was very well contented. “ But pray,” says
To-day has forty servants at his gate, Stilling fleet," will your majesty give me leave to ask To-morrow scorn'd, not one of them will wait : you a question too? Why do you read your speeches To-morrow stinks in ev'ry body's nose.
To-day perfum'd as sweet as any rose, to the parliament, when you have none of the same reasons ?”—“Why truly, doctor,” said the king, Ghastful and pale before to-morrow night:
To-day he's grand, majestic, all delight, " your question is a very pertinent one, and so will be True, as the scripture says, “ man's life's a span;”. my answer. I have asked them so often, and for so The present moment is the life of man! much, that I am ashamed to look them in the face."
REQUISITES FOR AN EPIGRAM.
One day in Chelsea meadows walking,
The wife of the manager of a little strolling comOf poetry and such things talking,
pany, who was both old and ugly, had once a violent Says Ralph, a merry wag,
dispute with Lady Derby, then Miss Farren; the “ An epigram, if smart and good,
theatrical queen, being extremely irritated at some In all its circumstances shou'd
remark of Thalia's favourite, exclaimed in her pasBe like a jelly bag."
sion, “ You are a very pretty young lady indeed!" “ Your simile, I own,
_" And you are neither one nor the other," replied But how wilt make it out ?" says Hugh :
her ladyslip Quoti Ralph, “ I'll tell thee, friend;
THE VICAR OF BRAY'S CREED.
I love with all my heart The Tory party here
Most bateful doth appear, To hold a budget full of wit,
And for their settlement
I ever have denied
My conscience gives consent,
To be on James's side, Most righteous is the cause To be for such a king
To fight for George's laws, Will Britons ruin bring, A lord mayor, waiting upon King Charles the Thonone should take my part. Resolve to live and die.
This is my inind and heart In this opinion 1 Second, while in the park feeding the ducks, with
A PJYSICIAN'S PRACTICE. his hat in his hand, the mayor desired he might not speak tili his majesty was covered :-“ Phoo, phoo!"
As a quack practitioner was standing at his door on says the king;
you may go on very safely, 'tis to Ludgate-Hill, a regular bred physician passed, who the ducks I pull my hat off.”
had learning and abilities, but not the success in his practice which he deserved. How comes it," says
he to the quack, “ that you, without education, skill, To-day man's drest in gold and silver bright, or the least knowledge of the science, are enabled to Wrapp'd in a shroud before to-morrow night live in the style you do? You keep your town-house., To-day he's feeding on delicious food,
your carriage, and your country-house ; whilst 1, al. Tomorrow dead, unable to do good:
lowed to possess some knowledge, have neither, and To-day he's nice, and scorns to feed on crumbs can scarcely pick up a subsistence."--"Why, look Ta-morrow he's himself a dish for worms:
you,” said the quack, “how many people do you
TO-DAY AND TOMORROW.