THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. Besides, he knew, whate'er the plan Hence, though of mirth a lucky store, And thus he said, or seem'd to say :- Haman kept post, to wait the sleeper's leisure. At length our porter's slumbers o'er And made a stand. Haman drew near with eager inien, And now we need but mention one thing more, And Haman found the hare was sent to him. RATES OF CONSCIENCE. 347 |believes at the rate of 'seven thousand a year, and I only at that of fifty." THE NEWCASTLE APOTHECARY. A man, in many a country town, we know, Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle. Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister; Or give a glister. Of occupations, these were quantum suff., He made amends by bringing others into't, His fame full six miles round the country ran: In short, in reputation he was solus; All the old women called him "a fiue man!" His name was Bolus. Benjamin Bolus, though in trade, (Which oftentimes will genius fetter); A clergyman was so much averse to the Athanaian creed, that he never would read it. The arch-Read works of fancy, it is said; bishop having been informed of his recusancy sent the archdeacon to ask him the reason. believe it," said the priest. "I do not But your metropolitan does," replied the archdeacon. "It may be so,' joined the other," and he can well afford it. re He And cultivated the Belles Lettres. Bolus lov'd verse, and took so much delight in't, That his prescriptions he resolv'd to write in't. No opportunity he e'er let pass Of writing the directions on his labels, Apothecary's verse !-and where's the treason; Some three miles from the town, it might be four, And terse: "When taken, To be well shaken." Next morning, early, Bolus rose, Who a vile trick of stumbling had : For what's expected from a horse, Are giv'n by gentlemen who teach to dance, One loud, and then a little one behind, Out of their fingers. The servant lets him in with dismal face, Portending some disaster; A jocky lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. "Ah! doctor," exclaimed the peer, "what brings you here among these high-bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass ?"-" My lord," replied the tutor, "I soon perceived you among these horses." THE COUNTRYMAN AND THE RAZOR SELLER. A fellow in a market town, Most musical cried razors up and down, Which certainly seem'd wondrous cheap, As ev'ry man would buy, with cash and sense. No matter if the fellow be a knave, It certainly will be a monstrous prize." So home the clown with his good fortune went, And quickly soap'd himself to ears and eyes, Being well lather'd from a dish or tub, Hodge now began, with grinning pain, to grub, Just like a hedger cutting furze : 'Twas a vile razor!-then the rest he try'dAll were impostors-"Ah!" Hodge sigh'd, "I wish ny eighteen-pence within my purse." In vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces, He cut, and dug, and winc'd, and stamp'd, and swore, Brought blood, and danc'd, blasphem'd, and made wry faces, And curs'd each razor's body o'er and o'er. His muzzle, form'd of opposition stuff, Firm as a Foxite, would not lose it's ruff, So kept it-laughing at the steel and suds. Hodge in a passion stretch'd his angry jaws, Vowing the direst vengeance, with clench'd claws, On the vile cheat that sold the goods. "Razors!-a vile, confounded dogNot fit to scrape a hog!" Hodge sought the fellow-found him-and begun, Sirrah! I tell you you're a knave, "Friend," quoth the razor man, "I'm not a knave: That they would shave." O'er the evils of life 'tis a folly to fret, "Not think they'd shave?" quoth Hodge, with Would roar down in streams from my landlady's nose. wond'ring eyes, And voice not much unlike an Indian yell, "What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries: "Made!" quoth the fellow, with a smile—“ to sell.' FOWLS AND FOOLS. P. PINDAR. A clergyman of Edinburgh dining with a friend, the lady of the house desired the servant to take away the But, Gods! when this trunk with an uplifted arm, crows, To the loud-thund'ring twang of my landlady's nose. WOMAN'S WISDOM. One of the Cecil family, minister to Scotland from England, was speaking to Mary, queen of Scots, of the wisdom of his sovereign, queen Elizabeth. Mary stopped him short by saying," Pray, Sir, don't talk to me of the wisdom of a woman; I think I know my own sex pretty well, and can assure you, that the wisest of us all is only a little less a fool than the others." THE ROYAL LIBRARIAN. George III., shortly after his accession to the throne, walking one morning into his library, found one of the under librarians asleep in a chair. He stepped up softly to him, and gave him a slight slap on the cheek; the sleeper clapt his hand on the place instantly, and, with his eyes still closed, taking the disturber of his nap for his fellow librarian, whose name was George, exclaimed, "Hang it, George, let me alone, you are always doing one foolish trick or another." PROLOGUE, FOR A COMPANY OF COMEDIANS, WHO PERFORMED AT WINCHESTER OVER A BUTCHER'S SHAMBLES. Whoe'er our stage examines, must excuse The actor swaggers, and the butcher swears! And form a tragi-comedy around. Hard is our lot, who, seldom doom'd to eat, Cast a sheep's-eye on this forbidden meatGaze on sirloins, which, ah! we cannot carve, And in the midst of beef, of mutton-starve! But would ye to our house in crowds repair, Ye gen'rous captains, and ye blooming fair, The fate of Tantalus we should not fear, Nor pine for a repast that is so near; Monarchs no more would supperless remain, Nor hungry queens for cutlets long in vain. SPEAKING IN TIME. WARTON. A buffoon at the court of Francis I. complained to the king that a great lord threatened to murder him for uttering some jokes about him. "If he does," said Francis," he shall be hanged in five minutes after." "I wish," replied the complainant, "your majesty would hang him five minutes before." A LONG TEXT. A clergyman was once going to preach upon the text of the Samaritan woman, and after reading it, he said, "Do not wonder, my beloved, that the text is so long, for it is a woman that speaks." THE JFW BEGINNING THE WORLD AGAIN. Two criminals, a Christian and a Jew, Or come, as some folks call it, to the gallows; The priest, and ordinary, and crowd attended, Heard, by express, from officer of state, The sheriff thought that some peculiar grace, Why not with proper officer he went? He answer'd thus, (surprising all the crowd,) I only wait awhile pefore I cocs, Of Mister Catch to puy te tead man's clo’es.” Neglected mansion!-for 'tis said, Whene'er the snow came feath'ring down, Swift whirl the wheels-He's gone-A rose Sweet beauteous blossom!-'twas the cook. A bolder far than my weak note, Maid of the moor, thy charms demand; Had none remain'd save only she ;— Had not been left, for company. Oft would he cry, "Delve, delve the hole! To scare the sparrows from the fruit." A bob-tail cur is at his heels. Are found in ev'ry bob-tail cur. And mark his master troll the song "Sweet Molly Dumpling! Oh, thou cook!" |