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that coat? "The same people," said the shepherd, The parson, nettled "that clothe you, the parish." a little, sent his man back to ask the shepherd if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd, and delivered his master's message. "Are you going away then?" No," answered the other. said the shepherd. "Then you may tell your master," replied the shepherd, "his living wont maintain three of us..'

CHARLES II. AND MR. PENN.

When Mr. Pena went to pay his respects to Charles II. that King observing that the Quaker did not remove his hat, took off his own bat, and prithee, stood uncovered before Penn; who said, " 66 No," says the friend Charles, put on thy hat." King, "friend Penn, it is usual for only one man to be covered here."

A PRAYER TOO QUICKLY GRANTED.

With folded hands, and lifted eyes,
"Have mercy, Heaven!" the parson cries
And on our sun-burnt, thirsty plains,
Thy blessings send in genial rains!"
The sermon ended and the prayers,
The parson to be gone prepares ;
When with a look of brighten'd smiles-

When Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free;
Of late he's grown brim full of pride and pelf:
No wonder that he don't remember me;
Why so? you see he has forgot himself.

TAKING AT A WORD.

answered, that she told him the night before she could not live till the morning, and he supposed a woman going out of the world would not tell an untruth.

LIVING TOO LONG

who had just two thousand a year, being A person unwilling to leave any thing to his heirs, resolved to spend, not only the annual income, but also the principal. He accordingly made a calculation, that he could not possibly live longer than fourscore years; but, happening to survive all, he found himself reduced to beggary during the last half-dozen years of his life; and actually begged charity from Pray give something to door to door, whining out, " a poor man, who has lived longer than he expected.":

ESOP IN SLAVERY

Æsop went with a number of slaves to be sold, and being questioned as to their respective talents, one said he could do this thing, another that, and a When it came to third could do every thing. Esop's turn, his master asked him what he could do, he answered "Nothing." Why," replied possibly be," said his master. Æsop, as the man before me says he will do every thing, there can be nothing left for me to do."

"How can that

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CONTRABAND INTELLECT.

A Scotch nobleman, chatting with an English lady, she asked, how it happened that the Scots in general made a much better figure from home than in "Oh,” said he, "nothing is so easily ac Scotland. counted for. For the honour of the nation, persons are stationed at every egress, to see that none leave

the country but men of abilities."" Then," answered she," I suspect your lordship was smuggled."

PAINTER, POTS AND ALL.

A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's stage was held. The captain surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, "You lazy dog, why don't you let go the painter?" The boy replied, "He's gone, Sir, pots and all."

DEAN SWIFT'S DEAFNESS.
Deaf, giddy, helpless, left alone,
To all my friends a burthen grown,
No more I hear my church's bell
Than if it rang out for my knell :
At thunder now no more I start,
Than at the rumbling of a cart:
Nay, what's incredible, alack!
I hardly hear a woman's clack.

FISH AND FLESH.

Cardinal Wolsey, being one-day in company with his courtiers, the conversation fell on the institution of Lent, when the Cardinal said the reason it took place was, that the Apostles were fishermen and it promoted the fish trade.-One of the courtiers answered, "Well, Cardinal, when you are Pope you will certainly strike it out of the calendar, for you remember your father was a butcher."

PERSECUTION PREVENTED.

At the end of Queen Mary's reign, a commission was granted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go over to Ireland, and commence a fiery persecution against the Protestants of that kingdom. On coming to Chester, the doctor was waited upon by the mayor, to whom he shewed his commission with great triumph, saying, “Here is what shal, lash the heretics of

Ireland." The landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor returned, he put his box into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech relating to his business, and then presented the box to his Lordship; but on opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the knave of clubs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, and assured the company that he had a commission, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, "Let us have another commission, we will shuffle the cards the meanwhile." Before, however, the doctor could get his commission renewed, the Queen died.

A witty divine received an invitation to dinner written on the ten of hearts, by a young lady of grent beauty, merit, and fortune; on which the gentleman thought he had now a good opportunity to give the lady a distant hint of his hopes: he wrote therefore, the following lines on the same card :-"Your compliments, lady, I pray you forbear, For old English service is much more sincere; You've sent me ten hearts, but the tythe's only mine, So give me one heart, and take back t'other nine."

CHRISTIAN FORGIVENESS.

A Cantab having been affronted by the mayor, who was a butcher, resolved to take an opportunity

of being even with him; accordingly, when it came to his turn to preach before the corporation, in the prayer before the sermon he made use of the following expressions: "And since, O Lord! thou hast commanded us to pray for our enemies, herein we beseech thee for the right worshipful the mayor: give him the strength of Sampson, and the courage of David; that he may knock down sin like an ox, and cut the throat of iniquity like a sucking-calf; and let his horn be exalted above his brethren.”

FAMILY WIT.

The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very young girl, was romping near a mill-dam, and had often very incautiously approached the brink of the water, when her mother called to her" For God's sake, girl, be more cautious, or you will most certainly tumble into the water and be drowned."—" I'll be damm'a if I

do, mamma," replied the young punster. "Oh' child," remarked her mother," that wit of yours wil one day prove your ruin."—" I'm sure, then, it wont be mother-wit," retorted the minx.

DANGEROUS PRIZE

An Irishman purchased the sixteenth of a lottery ticket, for which he paid a guinea and a half. Ins few days it came up a prize of twenty pounds, and on application at the lottery office, he received three and-twenty shillings for his share. "Well," says Pat, "I'm glad it's no worse; as it was but a twenty pound, I have only lost eight and sapence; but if it had been a twenty thousand I must have been ruined.”

LAWYERS' WIGS.

A late attorney-general receiving a client, who was intimate with him, in his library, the gentleman expressed surprise at the number of wigs that were lawyer; "that," pointing to a scratch, is my com hanging up. "Yes, there are several," replies the mon business wig; that my chancery wig; that my house of lords wig; and that my court wig." pray, Sir, where is your honest man's wig?" “0," replied the lawyer, that's not projessional.”

"And

SCOTCH TENACITY.

When the affair of Lord Melville was brought for ward in the House of Commons, a gentleman mentioned in company that his Lordship had quitted his place. "Did you ever," said a lady present, "hear of a Scotchman quitting his place?" "Yes, Madam," replied the gentleman, "his native place.".

IRISH ECONOMY.

An Irish officer having lost a parcel of silk stockings, sent a bellman about to offer a reward for them, which was so small, that a friend observed he could ⚫not expect to recover them; "Ah! by J-," says Paddy, "I advertised them as worsted ones."

"THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS."

A doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he bad followed his prescription. "No, truly, Doctor," said the man, "If I had, I should have broken my Beck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window."

ROYAL PREROGATIVE..

George the First complained, on his arrival in England, that the people did not understand property. "This is a strange country," said his Majesty, "the first morning after my arrival at St. James's, I looked out at the window, and saw a park with walks; a canal, &c. which they told me were mine. The next day Lord Chetwynd, the ranger of my park, sent me a fine brace of carp out of my canal; and I was told, I must give five guineas to Lord Chetwynd's servant for bringing me my own carp out of my own canal, in my own park!"

NOTE OF INTERROGATION.

Mr. Pope, sneering at the ignorance of a young man, asked thim if he knew w at an interrogation was? "Yes, Sir," said he, "tis a little crooked thing that asks questions."

was oppressive; on which the Quaker recommended her to throw off a petticoat. The lady replied, "Between you and I, friend, I have but one on.' "And between thee and me," replied Broad Brim, " even that is one too many."

AN EQUIVALENT.

When Quin was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would now give to be as young as he. "I would be content," replied Quin, "to be as foolish."

THE MISER'S DEATH-DED.

The old gentleman was on his death-bed. The whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered around him.- "I leave my second son, Andrew," said the expiring miser, "my whole estate, and desire him to be frugal." Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himself. "I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of his elder brother, and leave him beside four thousand pounds." "Ah! father," cried Simon, (in great affliction to be sure) "may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself." At last, turning to poor Dick, "As for you, you have always been a sad dog; you'll never come to good; you'll never be rich; I'll leave you a shilling to buy an halter." "Ah! father," cries Dick, without any emotion," may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself."

GOLDSMITH

ONLY BELIEVE HALF A REPORT.

When Miss Chudleigh, afterwards Duchess of Kingston, once met Lord Chesterfield in the rooms at Bath, they began to talk of the company present, and the lady was very communicative in her narrative of things said of Lady Caroline, Miss Langnisness, &c. &c and concluded by remarking, "Yet much of this pay be scandal; for, do you know, my lord, that since I was lately confined to my chan.ber by illness, they have spread an infamous report of my being brought to bed of twins." "O, my dear

mallet in his hand, presided at the head of the table. I could not avoid, upon my entrance, making use of all my skill in physiognomy, in order to discover that superiority of genius in men who had taken a title so superior to the rest of mankind. I expected to see the lines of every face marked with strong thinking; but though I had some skill in this science, I could for my life discover nothing but a pert simper, fat, or profound stupidity.

My speculations were soon interrupted by the Grand, who had knocked down Mr. Spriggins for a song. was, upon this, whispered by one of the company who sat next me, that I should now see something touched off to a nicety, for Mr. Spriggins was going to give uz Mad Tom in all its glory. Mr. Spriggins endeavoured to excuse himself; for, as he was to act a madman and a king, it was impossible to go through the part properly without a crown and chains. His excuses were over-ruled by a great majority, and with much vociferation. The president ordered up the jack-chain, and, instead of a crown, our performer covered his brows with an inverted jordan. After he had rattled his chain, and shook his head, to the great delight of the whole company, he began his song. As I have heard few young fellows offer to sing in company disappointment to me to find Mr. Spriggins among that did not expose themselves, it was no great

the number; however, not to seem an odd fish, I rose from my seat in rapture, cried out, Bravo! Encore! and slapped the table as loud as any of

the rest.

The gentleman who sat next me seemed highly pleased with my taste and the ardour of my approbation; and whispering told me that I had suffered an immense loss; for, had I come a few minutes. sooner, I might have heard Gee-ho Dobbin sung in a tip-top manner by the pimple-nosed spirit at the president's right elbow: but he was evaporated" before canie,

As I was expressing my uneasiness at this disappointinent, I found the attention of the company. employed upon a fat figure, who, with a yoice more