« ZurückWeiter »
that coat? “The same people,” said the shepherd, “that clothe you, the parish.” The parson, nettled a little, sent his man back to ask the shepherd if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd, and delivered his master's message. “Are you going away then o' said the shepherd. “No,” answered the other. “Then you may tell your master,” replied the shepherd, “his living wont maintain three of us...’
CHARLES II. MR.
When Mr. Penn went to pay his respects to Charles II. that King observing that the Quaker did not remove his hat, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn; who said, “prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat.” “No,” says tho King, “friend Penn, it is usual for only one inan to be covered here.”
A PRAYER too QUICKLY O RANTED,
With folded hands, and lifted eyes, “Have mercy, Heaven!” the parson cries And on our sun-burnt, thirsty plains, Thy blessings send in genial rains !” The sermon ended and the prayers, The parson to be gone prepares; When with a look of brighten'd smiles— * Thank Heaven, it rains,’ cries farmer Giles.— ‘Rains !' quoth the parson, ‘Sure you joke Rain Heav'n forbid! I've got no cloak. The FORGETFUL MAN. When Jack was poor, the lad was frank and frce; Of late he's grown brim full of pride and pelf: No wonder that he don't remember me; Why so you see he has forgot himself.
TAKING AT A won D.
A country rector one day gave his curate a list of the sick persons in the parish, in order that he might visit them. Soon after the rector inquiring about a poor woman, the curate replied that she was dead. The rector said that he had just then met her in the street; the curate, in his defence,
the country but men of abilities.”—“Then,” an*ered she, “I suspect your lordship was smuggled.” PA INTER, pots AND ALL.
A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going *hore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the ope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantl went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's stage was held. The captain surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, “You lazy dog, why don't you let go the painter 2" The boy replied, “He’s gone, sir, pots and all.”
Ireland.” The landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor returned, he put his box into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech relating to his business, and then presented the box to his Lordship; but on opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the Knave of clubs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, and assured the company that he had a commission, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, “Let us have another commission, we will shuffle the cards the meanwhile.” Before, however, the doctor could get his commission renewed, the Queen died.
r" 304. sincrairy vensus M as Nens
Mr. Fox, on his canvass, having solicited a tradesman for his vote, the blunt elector replied, “I cannot give you my support; I adiuire your abilities, but d – n your o !” Mr. Fox instantly retorted, “My friend, I applaud your sincerity, but d—n your manners.”
MoD ERN cRITICISM.
When Churchill's Prophecy of Famine made its appearance, the sale was rather dull. Meeting his publisher in the pit of one of the theatres, Churchill asked him if he heard how it sold. The other told him the sale was extensive since the Reviewers d—ned it. “Aye,” says the poet, “that is sulfilling the Scripture, “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings I have ordained strength.”
cutti No M1st Akr.
A Frenchman, on landing at Daver, went into a barber's shop to be shaved. The poor man's cheeks were so much collapsed, that the barber was under the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer's mouth to assist the operation. “O Inon Dieu, mon Dieu !” exclaimed the Frenchman, whilst the barber was dashing away, “me bc damnably cut.” “Confound your thin lantern jaws,” replied Strop, “I have cut my fingers cursedly through your cheek.”
A witty divine received an invitation to dinner written on the ten of hearts, by a young lady of grent beauty, merit, and fortune; on which the gentleman thought he had now a good opportunity to give the lady a distant hint of his hopes : he wrote therefore, the following himes on the same card:— “Your compliments, lady, I pray you forbear, For old English service is nu h iudre sincere; You've sent me ten hearts, but the tythe's only mine, So give me one heart, and take back t'other nine.”
chu RISTIAN port G i v Ex E53.
A Cantab having been affronted by the mayor,
who was a butcher, resolved to take an opportunity
of being even with him; accordingly, when it came to his turn to preach before the corporation, in the prayer before the sermon he made use of the following expressions: “And since, O Lord! thou has commanded us to pray for our enemies, herein wo beseech thee for the right worshipful the mayor: give him the strength of Sampson, and the courage ps David; that he may knock down sin like an ox, and cut the throat of iniquity like a sucking-calf; and let his horn be exalted above his brethren.”
The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very young girl, was romping near a mill-dun, and had often very incautiously approached the brink of the water, when her mother called to her—“For God's sake, girl, be more cautious, or you will most certainly tumble into the water and be drowned.”—“I’ll be damm'd if I do, mamma,” replied the young punster. “O'” child,” remarked her mother, “ that wit of yours wil one day prove your ruin.”—“I’m sure, then, it wont be mother-wit,” retorted the minx.
pANG enous prize
An Irishnan purchased the sixteenth of a lottery ticket, for which he paid a guinea and a half. In a few days it came up a prize of twenty pounds, and on application at the lottery office, he received threeand-twenty shillings for his share. “Well,” says !'at, “I’m glad it's no worse; as it was but a twenty pound, I have only lost eight and sixpence; but if it had been a twenty thousand I must have been ruined."
A late attorney-general receiving a client, who was intimate with him, in his sibrary, the gentieman expressed surprise at the number of wigs that were hanging up. “Yes, there are several,” replies the lawyer; “that,” pointing to a scratch, is my conmon business wig; that my chancery wig; that my house of lords wig; and that my court wig.” “And - - * - -------- ** pray, Sir, where is your honest man's wig.” “O, replied the lawyer, “that's not professionat."
scotch trnacity. When the affair of Lord Melville was brought forward in the House of Commons, a gentleman mentioned in company that his Lordship had quitted his place. “Did you ever,” said a lady present, “hear of a Scotchman quitting his place?” “’Yes, Madam,” replied the gentleman, “his native place.”.
in 1sh EconoMY.
An Irish officer having lost a parcel of silk stockings, sent a bellman about to offer a reward for them, which was so small, that a friend observed he could otexpect to recover them; “Ah! by J–,” says Paddy, “I advertised them as worsted ones.” *TH Row PHYsic ro The Docs.” A doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he isã followed his prescription. “No, truly, Doctor,” laid the man, “If I had, I should have broken my teck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window.”
Roy AL PREROGATIVE. . George the First complained, on his arrival in England, that the people did not understand property. “This is a strange country,” said his Majesty, “the first morning after my arrival at St. James's, I looked out at the window, and saw a park with walks; a canal, &c. which they told me were mine. The next *:::: Chetwynd, the ranger of my park, sent me a fine brace of carp out of my canal; and I was told, | aust give five guineas to Lord Chetwynd's servant for bringing me my own carp out of my own canal, in my own park!” not E or ? titler Rogation.
Mr. Pope, sneering at the ignorance of a young man, asked thim if he knew w at an interrogation *** “Yes, Sir,” said he, “‘lis a little crooked thing that asks questions.” one too. MANY.
A Quaker, remarkable for his gallantry to the fair **, was one day walking with a handsome young lady, who remarked to him, that the tt of the day
was oppressive ; on which the Quaker reedmmended her to throw off a petticoat. The lady replied, “Between you and I, friend, I have but one on.” “And between thee and me,” replied Broad Brim, “even that is one too many.”
An Equiva LeNir.
When Quin was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would now give to be as young as he. “I would be content,” replied Quin, “to be as foolish.”
THE MIs En’s DEATH-DED.
• The old gentleman was on his death-bed. The whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered around him.—“I leave my second son, Andrew,” said the expiring miser, “my whole estate, and desire him to be frugal.” Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himself. “I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of his elder brother, and leave him beside four thousand pounds.” “Ah! father,” cried Simon, (in great affliction to be sure) “may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself.” At last, turning to poor Dick, “As for you, you have always been a sad dog; you'll never come to good; you'll never be rich ; I'll leave you a shilling to buy an halter.” “Ah! father,” cries Dick, without any emotion, “may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself.” GOLDSM Ith
only Believe h A Lp A RE Pont.
When Miss Chudleigh, afterwards Duchess of Kingston, once met Lord Chesterfield in the rooms at Bath, they began to talk of the company present, and the lady was very communicative in her narrative of things said of Lady Caroline, Miss Langnisness, &c. &c. and concluded by remarking, “Y et much of this inay be scandal; for, do you know, my lord, that since I was lately confined to my chanber by illness, they have spread an infamous report of my being brought to bed of twins.” “O, my dear lady, do not be uneasy,” replied the peer, “for my part, I have long made up my mind only to believe half of what the town says.” - LAconic LEtt ER AND ANswr R. Lord Bulkeley, on the morning subsequent to his marriage, communicated his happiness to his friend the Duke of Dorset in the following laconic epistle: “ Dear Dorset, I am the happiest dog alive. Yours, Bulkeley.” To which the answer was,
Mr. Curran, the late celebrated Irish advocate, was walking one day with a friend, who was extremely punctilious in his conversation ; hearing a person near him say curosity for curiosity, lic exclaimed, “How that man murders the English language!” “Not so bad,” replied Curran, “he has only knocked an I out.”
I n is H. h AND BILL.
This is to certify, that 1 Daniel O'Flanaghan, am not the person that was tarred and feathered by the Liberty Mob on Tuesday last ; and that I am ready to give twenty guineas to any one that will bet me fifty that I am the other man who goes by my name. Witness my hand, this 30th July. . . .
DAN i E1, O’FLAN AG 11 AN
The first club I entered, upon coming to town, was that of the Choice Spirits. The name was entirely suited to my taste ; I was a lover of mirth, good-humour, and even sometimes of fun, from my childhood.
As no other passport was requisite but the payment of two shillings at the door, I introduced myself without farther ceremony to the members, who were already assembled, and had for some time begun upon business. The Grand, with a
mallet in his hand, presided at the head of the table. I could not avoid, upon my entrance, making use of all my skill in physiognomy, in order to discover that superiority of genius in men who had taken a title so superior to the rest of mankind. I expected to see the lines of every face marked with strong thinking; but though I had some skill in this science, I could for iny life discover nothing but a pert simper, fat, or profound stupidity. My speculations were soon interrupted by the Grand, who had knocked down Mr. Spriggins sor a song. I was, upon this, whispered by one of the company who sat next me, that I should now see something touched off to a nicety, for Mr. Spriggins was going to give ui Mad Tom in all its glory. Mr. Spriggins endeavoured to excuse himself; for, as he was to act a madman and a king, it was inpossible to go through the part properly without a crown and chains. His excuses were over-ruled by a great majority, and with much vociferation. The president ordered up the jack-chain, and, instead of a crown, our performer covered his brows with an inverted jordan. After he had rattled his chain, and shook his head, to the great delight of the whole company, he began his song. As I have heard few young fellows offer to sing in company that did not expose themselves, it was no great disappointment to me to find Mr. Spriggins among the number ; however, not to seem an odd fish, I rose from my seat in rapture, cried out, Bravo! Encore! and slapped the table as loud as any of . the rest. The gentleman who sat next me seemed highly pleased with my taste and the ardour of my approbation ; and whispering told me that I had suffered an immense loss ; for, had I conse a few minutes sooner, I might have heard Gee-ho Dobbin sung in a tip-top manner by the pimple nosed spirit at the president's right elbow; but he was evaporated before I cane. y As I was expressing my uneasiness at this disappointinent, I found the attention of the company. cusployed upon a sat figure, who, with a yoice illure