Abbildungen der Seite
PDF
EPUB

TBSTS OF WIT.

UN TIE MARRIAGE OF AN OLD MAID.

DRYDEN'S WITL. la 1809, Sir Richard Phillips, the publisher, being This lady one day complained to her husband, about to print a new edition of the " Encyclopedia that he was always reading, and took little notice of of Wit," resolved to test the whole by two separate her, and finished by saying she wished that she was minds, and gave to two very ingenious inen a copy of a book, and then she should enjoy his company, the work, requesting each io crase the articles Yes, my dcar," says Dryden, “I wish you were a which did not strike him as piquant. They per- book --but an Almanack I mean, for then I should formed their tasks, aud on returning their copies the change you every year." publisher found, to his utter astonishment, that, with lew exceptious, each had erased what the other had se tained, so that by their joint erasures, not a twen Chloe, a coquet in her prime, tieth part of the original book remained. Confounded

The vainest ficklest thing alive; by the result, he now submitted the book to a third Behold the strange etfects of time! person, and he retained nearly every article which

Marries and doats at forty-five. the others had erased, and struck out all that they Thus, weather-cocks, who for awhile tad retained. He was now reminded of the fable of

Have turn'd about with every blast, "The Man, his Son, and the Ass,” and perceiving Grown old, and destitute of oil, that it was vain to endeavour to please every one, he

Rust to a point, and fix at last. teprinted his book without alteration, leaving it to his

ON MISS FURY, BY LORD CHESTERFIELD. several readers to seek pleasure from the mass, each according to his own fancy.

To look like an angel, the ladies believe,

Is the greatest of blessings that Heaven can give; IRISH COURAGE.

But on earth, believe me, fair nymphis, I assure ye. In 1563, the Earl of Desmond, a fierce and powerful The blessing's far greater to look like a Fury. chiestain, made an inroad on the possession of But- i ler, Earl of Ormond, when in the course of the war, the former was wounded and taken prisoner. As the Foote was rattling one evening, in the greenOrmondierians couveyed him from the field, stretched room, when a noblemari, who seemed highly en a bier, his supporters exclaimed, with natural entertained, cried out, w well, Foote, you see I triamph,

" Where now is the great lord of Des- swallow all the good things."'. " Do you, my Lord mond?" “ Where,” replied Desmond," but in his Duke," says the other, " then I congratulate you on proper place ?---Still on the necks of the Butlers." your digestion, for I believe you never threw up vne

of them in your life.” ETIQUETTE A conntry 'squire asked a Judge, while he was delivering his charge, if he had seen the rhinoceros ? As I walk'd by myself, I said to myself, l'pon which the Judge passed. The esquire went

And myself said again to me; OP, " Not seen the rhinoceros, my lord !" To which Look to thyself, take care of thyself, Iris lordship replied, “ that the etiquette was not yet For nobody cares for thee. settled between them, as they both had their trum Then I said to myself, and then answered myself: pets, which should visit the first, whether he should

With the self-same repartee; wait opon the rhinoceros or the rhinocetos upon | Look to thyself, or look not to tbyself, hin."

'Tis the self-same thing to me,

TASTE FOR WIT.

A RHAPSODY.

ZEAL FOR PUBLIC WORSHIP

JOO CIVIL BY HALF.

[ocr errors]

A few years ago the Isle of Sheppey being an in The Duke of Grafton was one day fox-hunting, considerable parish, and the income not very large, near Newmarket, when a quaker, at some distance, their vicar came there but once a month. The pa upon an adjoining eminence, pulled off his hat and rishioners being much displeased with this, desired gave a loud hailoa! The huunds immediately ran their clerk to remind him of his duty. The clerk to him, and being drawn off the scent, were consetold the vicar the sense of the parishioners; and the quently at fault, which so enraged the duke, that reply was, “ Well, well, tell them, if they will give gallopping up to the offender, he asked, in an angry me ten pounds a year more, I will come to them once tone, “ Are you a quaker” “I am, friend," was a fortnight; and be sure, Jonathan, to let me know

the reply.

* Well, then,” rejoined his grace, their answer the next time I come.” The next time you never pull off your hat to a Christian, I will he did come, he accordingly asked, and Jonathan | thank you in future not to pay that complimèut to a answered, “Sir, they say, if you will excuse them fox." ten pounds a year in their tithes, they will dispense

A GOOSE'S REASON with your coming at all.”

A Goose, my grannum one day said
THE TOUCHSTONE

Entering a barn pops down its head;
A Fool and Knave, with different views

I beyg'd her then the cause to show :
For Julia's hand apply;

She told me she most waive the task,
The Knave to mend his fortune sucs,

For nothing but a goose would ask,
The Fool to please his eye.

What nothing but a goose could know.
Ask you how Julia will behave?

A DOCTOR'S REVENGE.
Depend on't for a rule,
If she's a Fool, she'll wed the Knave

A physician being in a tavern one evening, a gen-
If she's a Knave, the Fool.

tleman entered in great haste, exclaiming,

« Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, take haste, come

with me.” “ Not till I have finished ny bottle, It was once observed to Lord Chesterfield, in the however” replied the Doctor. The man happened to course of conversation, that man is the only crcature be a fine athletic fellow, and finding the entseaty that is endowed with the power of laughter. True,"useless, snatched up the Doctor, hoisted him on his said the earl, “ and you may add, perhaps, he is the back, and carried him out of the tavern the moonly creature that deserves to be laughed at." ment he set the Doctor upon liis legs, he received

from him the following threat: “ Now, you rascal,

I'll cure your wife in spite of you." A Man of Wales, betwixt St. David's day and

ILIGH PLAY. Easter, Ran in his hostess score, for cheese great store A gentleman once playing at cards, was guilty of

an odd trick ; on which the company, in the warmth Hjs hostess chalks it up behind the door ;

of their resentment, threw him out of the window of And says, for cheese, come, Sir, discharge this a one pair of stairs room. The cufferer meeting a

friend some time after, was loudly complaining of Cot zounds, quoth he, what meaneth these? this usage, and asked what he should do. • Dun D'ye think, hur know not chulk from cheese? said the other, “why never play so high again,

HUMAN FRAILTY.

[ocr errors]

ON A WELSHMAN.

a tester:

score

NOBLE BOXING.

ORATOR HENLEY.

AGED GALLANTRY.

[ocr errors]

answer:

made the Doctor a profound bow, saying, “ Doctor, The late Lord Peterborough having been grossly his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and re

I

iny shoe time." The Doctor, seeing insulted by a carman, deliberately stripped, and the fellow such a drubbing, that he could scarcely turned the bow, with, sore a limb. A man seeing the transaction, came ground.” Rochester followed up his salutation by a up at the conclusion of the affray, and asked the deeper bow, saying, Dr. I am yours to the centre. isan if he knew the person with whom he bad been Barrow, with a very lowly obeisance, replied, “ My boxing was a lord ? " A lord!" says the fellow', 'a

lord, I um yours to the Antipodes." His lordship, lord !- they may call him what they please, and he nearly gravelled, exclaimed, " Doctor, I am yours may be what he will, but I am sure, from the weight to the lowest pit of Hell.”—“There, any lord,” said oi ihat leaden fist of his that his father must have Barrow, sarcastically, “ I leave you,” and walked off. " been a drayman.

" I never," said a person, who knew little about A gallant old gentleman of the name of Page, find the doctor," saw Orator Henley but once, and that ing a young lady's glove at a watering place, pre

was at a Coffee house, where a gentleman lic seated it to her with the following words :

was acquainted with coming in, and seating himself

in the same box, the following dialogue passed beIf from your glove you take the letter G

tween them : Your glove is love, which I devote to thee :"

Henley. Pray what is become of our old friend To which the lady returned the following neat Smith ? I have not seen him for several years.

Gentleman. I really don't know. The last time If from your Puge you take the letter P, I heard of bim he was at Ceylon, or some of our Your Page is age, and that won't do for me." settlements in the West Indies.

Henley (with some surprise). At Ceylon, or some Fatier Petre endeavoured to convert the Duke of of our settlements in the West Indies! My good Backingham. “ Out of our Church,” says the Sir, in one sentence there are two mistakes. Ceylon priest, none can be saved."--" And all in it wil! Dutch; and it is situated not in the West but the

is not one of our settlements, it belongs to the be damned," said his grace.

“ You want charity,'

East Indies! says the priest. Quite as much as your reverence, replied tbe dake.

Gentleman (with some heat). That I deny.

Henley. More shane for you! I will engage to CHARON'S GRATITUDE.

bring a boy of eighit years of age who will confute A Quack to Charon would his penny pay

you. The grateful ferry man was bicard to say,

Gentleman (in a cooler tone of roice). Well, be Return, Hell's friend! and live for ages more,

it where it will, I thank God I know very little about Or I must hawl my useless boat asliore.

these sort of things.

Henley. What, you thank God for your ignoOVER POLITENESS.

rance, do you? The Earl of Rochester meeting Isaac Barrow in Gentleman (in a violent rage). I do, Sir; what the park, told his companions that he would have then? kuie fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he Henley. Sir, you have a great deal to be thank, Wetet up with grcat gravity, and, taking off his hat, (ful for,

DIAMOND

CUT DIAMOND.

2AE RUNGRY DISPUTX.

QOLDBN 00098. A hungry. Frenchman one day went into a cook's When an English lady was some years ago on the shop, and there staid till his stomach was satisfied continent, she stopped at an inn in French Flanden, with the smell of tlie victuals. The cook insisted on which was the sign of the Golden Goose; but, are his paying for a dinner, which the Frenchman refused riving late, she ordered but a slight repast for herself to do; and the dispute growing high, it was agreed and suite, which consisted of only five servants. In to refer thu decision of it to the tirst man who passed the morning, when the landlord presented his bill, that way. This happened to be a chimney sweeper,

she was much sorprised at one general item, of who, on hearing the case, determined that the French Expenses for the night, fourteen Louis D'ors." la man's inoney should be shaken between two empty vain did she remonstrate ; the artful Fleming knew

The dishes, and the cook be satisfied with the gingling ber generous character, and was positive. of it, as the poor man was content with the smell of money was accordingly paid. When she was prethe cook's meat.

paring to depart, the landlord attended her to her

carriage? and, espressing many thanks, hoped he CEREMONY.

should have the honour of her company on her re. A lady once invited Dean Swift to dinner, and as “Why, possibly you may,” said the lady, she had beard he was not easily pleased, she had “ but it must be on one condition—that you do not taken a nionth to provide for it: every delicacy was again niistake me for your sigu." accordingly procured. The Dean was scarcely seated before the lady said she was sincerely sorry that she had not a more tolerable dinner, since she

Old Time kills us all was apprehensive there was not any thing tit for him

Rich, poor, great and small, “The deuce take you," said the Dean,

And 'tis therefore we rack our invention, " why did you not provide a better, surely you had

Throughout all our days, tine enough; but since you say it is so bad, I'll

In tinding out ways, e'en

To kill him, by way

of go home and eat a herring."

preventivn.

turn.

TIT FOR TAT.

to eat.

BROTHERLY LOVE.

DOG LATIN

As Lady Alary Wortley Montague was walking plorable condition, called him to the door and

An avaricious divine seeing a poor boy in a de through the gardens at Stow with a party, she was much teased by an impertinent young coxcomb, who giving him a mouldy piece of bread, asked him if

he could read, to which he answered in the negative; was continually making some foolish observations to her. On coining to one of the temples, over which

to the questions, whether be could say the Belief there was an inscription, she said, cilje kind enough and the Lord's Prayer, the answer was the same. to explain that inscription to us.'

.”_"Madam," said

“ Well,” said the divine, “ I will teach you that, the fop, “ I really do not know what it means, for I say after De: Our father," said the instructor. see it is doy Latin.''-" How very extraordinary it

Our father !” repeated the poor boy " Whet is," said Lady Mary, " that puppies do not under.

your father as well as mine?”: “ Yes, certainly."

in Then we are brothers !“ To be sure we are," stand their onn language !"

was the reply. “Why then,” replied the boy, THE MAN OF FASHION'S DIARY.

pulling the crust from under his coat, “how could I laugh, juke, quarrel, fiddle, dance, game, drink, you give your poor brother this mouldy piece of Do all that mortal man can do. - but think

bread ?"

GRATITUDL.

SARAH DUCHESS OY MARLBOROUGH.

When one who stood next, straight replied, with A parson, well known in his neighbourbood as a

some gallBar of great oddity, humoar, and equally great

“ What is there to see, where there's nothing at all? estravagance, once wanting a new wig, his old

“Ah! that is the Devil !the wag said, “I swear ; one defying all farther assistance of art, he applied to open one's purse, and to see--nothing there! to a barber, young in the business, to make him une. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, begged the honour of his new costomer's company at

When the proud Duke of Somerset, a little time his meal, to which the parson readily consented.

before his death, paid a visit to Samh Duchess of After dinner a large bowl of poach was produced,

Marlborough, she insisted on his drinking with her and the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in glass of tokay, which liad been presented to her hus its demolition. When it was out ihe barber was

band by the emperor. He assented, and she ad.

dressed him as follows : “My lord, I consider your proceeding to business, and began to handle his measare, when bis guest desired him to desist, saying he grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very should not make his wig. "Why not !” exclaimed the

Trigh honour, and I will beg leave to propose two

healths, the most unpopular imaginable, and which west host; “ have I done any thing to offend Foo, Sir ?" “ Not in the least,” replied the guest; would drink : here is your health and ming."

nobody in the three kingdoms, except ourselves "I find you are a very honest, good-natured fellow; 10 I will take somebody else in. Had you made it,

EPITAPH ON CHARLAS 11. you would never bave been paid for it."

Charles once said over his bottle, that he supposen some stupid peasant would write a nonsensical epitaph

on him when he was goile," Now,” says his A Welch parson, after divine service, used to Majesty, " I should like to have something appro. play at cudgels with his parishioners in the church- priate and witty,–Rochester, let's have a touch of yard, which being told to the bishop of the discese, he your pen on the snbject." His Lordship obeyed was severely reprimanded: in his defence the parson

the command, and produced the following:said, that he took pains to instil the word of God

“ Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King, into them in the church, but as that would not do, be

Whose promise none relied on; endeavoured to beat it into them in the church-yard.

Who never said a foolish thing, THE MOUNTEBANK AND TUE DEVIL.

And never did a wise one." A mountebank once, it is said, at a fair,

DR. FRANKLIN'S GRAUB Ta make the wise gentry that crowded it stare, The Doctor when a child found the long graces Protested, in spite of the Church's decree,

used by his father beforo and after moals very te. That whoever chose it the devil should see

dious. One day after the winter's provision bad So uncommon a sight who would think to forego ?

been salted, “I think, Father,” said Benjamin, “ if The devil seemd in them, they all scrambled so !

you were to say grace over the whole cask once for While, with mouth vory wide, an old purse, very long, all, it would be a great saving of time." Was held out by this sorc'rer, and shook to the throng

THREE FOOLS. " Good people," he holloa'd,“ your eyes now A proud parson and his man, riding over a comunfold,

mon, saw a shepherd tending his Hock in a new coa!: And say is within any thing you behold ?"

the parson asked in a laughty lone, who gave him

WHOLESODE DOCTRINE.

« ZurückWeiter »