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ELEGANT WIT

AN ERROR IN ORAIN

GEORGE TI.

tables, and his drink pure water. Good heaven, At the first masquerade which George the Second nadamu," said his lordship, do yon wish me to honoured with his presence in England, a lady in imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a vited him to drink a glass of wine. With this he fish.readily complied; and the lady, filling a bumper,

CHURCH-YARD ACCOUNT. said, * Here, mask, the Pretender's health ;" then

A poor labourer having been obliged to undergo Killing another glass, she presented it to the king the operation of having liis ieg cut off, was charged who, receiving it with a smile, replied, " I drink with sixteen pence by the sexton for Lúrying it. The all my heart to the health of unfortunate princes."

poor fellow applied to the rector for redress, who fox's PAY-DAY.

told him, he could not relieve him at that time, but Mr. Fox, on one of his occasions for borrowing that he should certainly consider it in his fees, when

the rest of his body came to be buried.” money, met with a good-natured Jew, who told him that he might take his own time for payment. "Then,” said Charles, o we'll make it the day of judgment; As in smooth oil, the razor best is whet, or, as that will be rather a busy day, suppose we say So wit is by politeness sharpest Bet the day after."

Their want of edge from their offence is seen,

Both pain us least when exquisitely keen., A woman having fallen into a river, her husband

IPITAPH ON A TALKATIVB OLD MAID. went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from

Beneath this silent stone is laid the place where she fell in. The bye-standers said

A noisy antiquated maid, she could not have gone against the stream. The

Who from her cradle talk'd till death man answered, she was obstinate and contrary in her

And ne'er before was out of breath life, and he therefore supposed for certain, ibat she

Whither she's gone we cannot tell; was the same at her death,

For, if she talks not, she's in Hell.
LOUIS XIV.

If she's in Heav'n, she's there unblest;
Killigrew, jester at the court of Charles II. being Because she hates a place of rest.
taken to see the Gallery at Versailles, was desired to
observe particularly a picture of the crucifixion. He
was then asked if he knew whom it represented. He

By one decisive argument said "No."-"Why," said Louis XIV., who was

Giles gain'd his lovely Kate's consent

To fix the bridal day, present, “ it is our Saviour on the cross, and the

" Why in such haste, dear Giles, to wed) picture on the right side is the pope's, and that on the left my own.' Upon which Killigrew replied

I shall not change my mind," she said ;

“But then,” says he, “I may.“ I thank your majesty for your information; I have heard our Savinur was cruciñed between iwo thieves,

SPOKEN BY VENUS, ON SEEING HER STATUE DONS but I did not know before who they were.

BY PRAXÝTELES,
CURE FOR DISSIPATION.

Anchysis, Paris, and Adonis too, A dissipated dobleman was one day reproved by Hare seen me naked, and expos'd to view his mother, who advised him to take example by a All these I freely own, without denying . particular gentleman, whose constant food was vege

But where has this Prarytcles been prying.

A HOME ARGUMENT.

JAMES 11. AND MILTOX.

done brought up for his dinner, sent for the cook, and

told her to take the matton down and do it less. James II., when Duke of York, one day asked Milon, the poet, if he did not think bis loss of said the Dean, “ if it had not been done enough

Please your honour, I cannot do it less." But," egat was a judgment apon him for what he had sitten against his father, Charles I.

you could have done it more, could you not ?"

The port 1 Oh, yes! very easily." “ Why, then," said the aiswered, “ if his highness thought his loss of sight I judgment upon him, he wished to know what he Dean, " for the future, when you commit a fault, let

it be such a one an be amended." bought of his father's losing his head."

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

NAUTICAL LEARNING.

QUICKSILVER.

fire."

LOOSE THOUGHTS.

Two sailors happening to join a crowd gathered the generał topic of conversation at Athens, took

Alcibiades finding his irregularities had become Bernd a preacher, just in time to hear him say, ter be bad exclaimed against the sins of his

a very five dog, for wbich he had given a merience, " And I your pastor and teacher shall be large sum of money, he cut off his tail. His friends kmed to bear witness against you at the day action, and talked of nothing else.

told him the whole city blamed bim for so foolish an

" That is wbat de judgment.” “Hollo! Jack," cries one of them, I wished,” said he. “I had rather they should * 1 it is not just as it is at the Old Bailey: the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence,"

talk of my dog's tail than of me.” VOLTAIRE AND CHISTERFIELD. Voltaire, when in London, being at a rout with I.ord

Sir Thomas Moore examining a protestant on the besterfield, a lady in company, very much painted, charge of heresy, whose name was Silver, told him,

“ that silver must be tried in the terussed his conversation." Chesterfield tapped him in bis jesting way, In the shoulder, saying, “ Take care you are not

· Ag!" said Silver, but quicksilver will not

abide it." sptivated." "My Lord,” replied Voltaire, “I tona to be taken by an English bottom under heach colours."

When Mrs. Macauley published her Loose Thoughts, KEEPING ONE's WURD.

Garrick, who was in company with Foote, said it bus, with kind words, Sir Edward cheer'd his

was a rery improper title for a lady to adopt : lo friend

which Foote replied, be was quite of a different Dear Dick, thou op my friendship may'st depend; opinion, for the sooner a woman got rid of her loose know thy fortune is but very scant,

thoughts the better. bat be assur'd I'll ne'er see Dick in want." Dick soon confin'd, his friend, no doubt, would free At Ranelagh, when Lady Grace

Unmask'd to put my poor heart in a pother, : bat he kept bis word-he would not see him!

So very hideous was her face.

I was deceiv'd, and begg'd she'd pull off l'other. Take the externals (M—y) from MAJESTY, and

a WOMAN'S SECRET. plaze is it! A JEST,

A married couple, coming over in the packet

from Lublin to England, a storm arose, when every Dear Swift having a stroulder of mytton tou much one expected the vessel would be lost.

The gentle.

THB PERMANENT MASK.

bim;

MAJESTY.

CHOICE OY A PAULT

PASSION

“ Tell me, my

BISHOP WARBURTON.

KILL AND CURE.

THE BRAINLESS TOPER.

which says,

nian lamented with lois wife the dreadful situation they were in, and begged her to answer him one question. She bade him name it.

The footman of a gentleman possessed of a most dear," said he, “as perhaps we have not long to irritable temper, desired to be dismissed. “Why do live, have you been always true to my bed?” “Sink you leave me?" said the master. “Because, to or swin,” she replied, " that is the only secret that speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper." "To shall go to the grave with me."

be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is nội soone! on than it is off.” “Yes," replied the servant, “ bet

then it is no sooner off than it is on." When the first volume of the " Divine Legation,” my Warburton, was shewn to Dr. Bentley, he looked it over, and then observed of the author, “ This man The following is the literal copy of a Farrier's bii has a monstrous appetite, with a very bad digestion.' sent to a gentleman :-

10824 RELATIONSHIP

“ Maay Too qureing your honors Ors till by A ludicrous mistake happened some time ago at a dide Vifteen Zillings.' funeral in Mary-le-bone. The clergyman had gone ou with the service, until he came to that part

“ Our deceased brother or sister," “ Brother bucks your glasses drain." without knowing whether the deceased was male or

* Tom, 'tis strong and sparkling red.' female. He turned to one of the mourners, and “ Never fear--'twont reach my brain :* asked whether it was a brother or sister.

The man “ No-that's true—but ''will your head." very innocently replied, “ No relation at all, Sir, only an acquaintance.

country vicar, giving his text ont of Hebre! A citizeu dying greatly in debt, “ Farewell,” pronounced it, He brews, 10 und 12, (meaning tir said one of his creditors, « there is so much of mine chapter and verse.) An old toper, who sat has gone with him.” “ And he carried so much of mine," asleep under thc pulpit, thinking he talked said another. A person hearing them make their se

brewing so many bushels to the hogshead, sade veral complaints, said, “Well, I see now, that

By the Lord, and no such bad liquor neither." througb a inan can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other mnen's."

gentleman just married told Foote lie had to HANGING IN CHAINS

morning laid out three hundred pounds for his de

wife. “ Faith, Sir," says Foote, “ I see you are Two Irish labourers being at the execution of the hypocrite, for she is truly your dear wife." maiefactors on the new scaffold before Newgate, one says to the other, “ Arrahı, Pat, now! but is there any difference between being hanged here and A volatile young lord, whose conquests being hanged in chains !" "No, honey!" replied the female world were numberless, at last married he, "no great difference: ogly one hangs about “ Now, my lord,” said fne countess, “I hope you an hour, and the other bangs all the days of his mend.” “Madam," says be,“ you may dep, life."

on it, this is my iast folly,"

PREACHING AND BREWIN.

TIE DYING CITIZEN.

A DEAR WIFE.

THE LAST POLLY.

TRENCH VANITY

TO A GENTLEMAN ABOUT TO MARRY.

A Frenclı nobleman shewing Matthew Prior, the poet, the King's Palace at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of Lewis the fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William the Third, his master, had niany such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, “the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen every where but in his own house."

Bob says, his spouse that is to be

Has all the requisites to bless .
Has wit, I know, in repartee,

A taste for letters, play, nnd dress.
Yet were I, Bobby, (entre nous)

Bound to three sucb in marriage bands,
I'd bribe the Devil with thanks and two,

To take the other off nuy hands. i

AVDICE TO AN ALTI1OR.

TWO DIFFERENT CASES.

sense.

AN IMPROMPTU.

SHININO HONESTY.

A learned doctor having printed two heavy volomes of Natural History, a friend remarked to him, Charg’d will writing obscencly this was Emng's that his publication was, in several particulars, ex

reply ; tremely erroneous; and when the other defended his

l'is wlat Dryden and Congreve have done as well as I. tolumes, replied, “ Pray, Dr. are you not a justice of Tis true, but they did it with this good pretence, the peace ?" "I am, sir,” was the reply. “Why, With an ounce of obsceneness went a pound of good then, Sir," added his critic, “I advise you to send your work to the same place you send your vagrants, But thou hast proportion’d, in thiy judgment pro, 1o, that is, to the house of correction."

found, Of good sense scarce an ounce, of obsceneness a

pound A manager having played several niglits to an almost empty barn, in a country town, neglected to perfect himself in the part of Lorenzo, in the Mer

A ye! Honesty's a jewel," Richard cry'd, chant of Venice. He however bustled through it

“That shines the clearer still, the more 'tis try'd." tolerably well, till he got to the part where he should

* True Dick,'quoth Jeremy --- yourself may show it, address Jessica on the subject of Leander's being

Your Honesty's so clear we all see through it.' drowned in erossing the Hellespont; where he made a monstrous boggle, which was so intolerable to the audience, that a general hiss from all parts expressed The Duke of Buckingham was one day entertaintheir disapprobation, and lie retired, as he called it, I ing Charles II., when the King said, “ Buckinghamn, in a blaze. As soon as silence was obtained by his I think you are the greatest rogue in all my domirrit, he returned on the stage, leading Jessica nions ;" upon which Buckingham immediately reforward, with whiom he addressed the audience plied, “of a subject I beliere I am.'' thas: *O Jessica, in such a night as this we came to town,

The late King of Prussia used to say, that he And since that night have touched but half-a- ' preferred the company of a man who could amuse crown;

hin, though ever so great a rascal, to that of a let you and I, then, bid these folks good night, stujoid honcst fellow, who would suffer him to fali Last re, by longer stay, are stuv'el outright. | asleep

CHARLES II.

WIT AND HONESTY.

1

MOTTOS.

PRESENTS.

· Sub

THB COMBAT.

66

For a paper manufacturer" I've turned over

a new leaf.” For an undertaker --" Gruve undertakings," or, For a curate-“A good living is a cure for all " I undertake grave subjects.”

souls.” For a first-rate singer—" I've cash'd my notes." For a lamplighter—" Exalted I shine;” or,

" Brilliant exaltation."

A Hamper I receiv'd of wine, For a news-crier --" My fame niakes a noise !!"

As good, Dick saj's, as e'er was tastedFor a tobacconist-"Smoke riscends;" or,

And Dick may be suppos'd to know, stantiul smoke."

For be contriv'd his matters sv, For a watchmaker“ Wound! to the highest

A: erery day with me to dine pitch ;" or, « Take note of Time."

Much longer than the liquor lasted : For a carpenter--- Pluin dealinys, or, Angur

If such are presents – while I live well."

Oh! let me not receive, but gire.
For a resurrection man-"Mors junua vitce ;" or,
<< Death is life to me."
For an auctioneer-" Repeated knockings down

A Chimney-sweep and baker went to fight; set me on my legs.

The baker beat the chimney-sweeper white : " For a tailo: -“ Suit your measures to all men;" The chimney-sweep, tho' lạid upon his back. or, My goose laid golden eggs.”

Took wind, and quickly beat the baker black. Oficers of Excise, &c.-" Collections and self In came a brickdust-man, with porter fed rec ctions."

And beat both chimdey.sweep and baker red. For a distiller " My spirits rise !” or, “Spirits at Thus red, black, white, in clouds together lay, full proof."

And none could tell which party had the day. For a cider merchant" How sweet is expresgion.''

TWO STRINOS TO YOUR LOW, For a navy ageat—" Commissions, but no self. As fiddlers and archers who cunningly know omissions."

The way to procure themselves merit For a lawyer ---The suit that fits me best is a Will alsı ays provide them two strings to their bow Chancery suit.

And manage their bus'ness with spirit. Fər a manufacturer of louking-glasses-" The So likewise the provident maiden should do, true mirror of fashion.”

Who would make the best use of her leanty ; For a distributor of landbills- “ Ą literary cha- If her mark she would hit, or her lesson play througti racter."

Two lovers must still be on duty. For a banker_" Count Discount."

Thus arm'd against Chance, and secure of supply, For the Master of the lummums—“Knight of the Thus far our revenge we may carry Bath."

One spark for our sport, we may jilt and set by i For thċ keeper of Beolain--"Knight of the Cres And t'other, poor soul, we may marry. cent." For a merchant--" No change like exchange."

THE SECOND BRUTUS. For a coachmaker-" The Wheel of Fortune." Brutus unmov'd heard how his Portia felt, For a butcher-." Killing brings me to life." Should Jack's wife die, he would bebare as well.

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