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pounds a year will not be proposed to him, and if "That though some fops of Celia prate, made gold, the more agreeable.

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"Yet be not hers the praise;
For, if she should be passing straight,
"Hem! she may thank her stays.
Each fool of Delia's figure talks,
"And celebrates her fame,

"I vow I think she's lame.
"And see Ma'am Harriet toss her head,
"Lawk, how the creature stares:
"Well, well, thank heaven, it can't be said,
"I give myself such airs!"

Your petitioner persuades himself that your ma-
jesty will not impute this his humble application to
any mean interested motive, of which he has always"
had the utmost abhorrence.-No, sir! he confesses his
weakness: honour alone is his object; honour is bis" But for my part, whene'er she walks,
passion; that honour which is sacred to him as a peer,
and tender to him as a gentleman; that honour, in
short, to which he has sacrificed all other consider-
ations. It is upon this single principle that your
petitioner solicits an honour, which at present
in SO
extraordinary a manner adorns the British Peerage;
and which, in the most shining periods of ancient
Greece, distinguished the greatest men, who were
fed in the Prytaneum at the expense of the public.
Upon this honour, far dearer to your petitioner
than his life, he begs leave, in the most solemn
manner, to assure your majesty, that in case you
shall be pleased to grant this his most modest request,
he will honourably support and promote, to the ut-Ill
most of his abilities, the very worst measures, that
the very worst ministers can suggest; but, at the Each coxcomb makes your name his sport,
same time, should he unfortunately, and in a singu- And fools when angry will retort
lar manner, be branded by a refusal, he thinks him- What men of sense despise.
self obliged in honour to declare, that he will, with Leave then such vain disputes as these,
the utmost acrimony, oppose the very best measures And take a nobler road to please,
which your majesty yourself shall ever propose or
promote.
And your petitioner, &c.

The Ode concludes with the following stanzas:
To woman every charm was given,
Design'd by all indulgent heaven,
To soften grief or care;

EXTRACTS FROM AN ODE TO SCANDAL.

Now, now indeed, I burn with sacred fires,
Tis Scandal's self that every thought inspires!
I feel all potent Genius! now I feel

Thy working magic through each artery steal;
Each moment to my prying eyes
Some fresh disfigur'd beauties rise;
Each moment I perceive some flaw
That e'en ill-nature never saw.
But hush! some airy whisperer hints,
In accents wisely faint,
"Divine Cleora rather squints:
"Maria uses paint!

For ye were form'd to bless mankind,
To harmonize and soothe the mind:
Indeed, indeed, ye were.

But when from those sweet lips we hear
nature's whisper, Envy's sneer,
Your power
that moment dies:

Let Candour guide your way;
So shall you daily conquests gain,
And captives, happy in your chain,
Be proud to own your sway.

SHERIDAN,

ECCENTRIC HOSPITALITY.

During the late American war, a soldier, who had been wounded and honourably discharged, (but, perhaps, not paid,) being destitute and benighted, knocked at the door of an Irish farmer, when the fol lowing dialogue ensued:

Patrick-And who the devil are you now?
Soldier-My name is John Wilson.

Patrick-And where the devil are you going from,
John Wilson?

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Soldier-Give me some water to quench my thirst, I beg of you.

Patrick--Beg and be hanged, I'll do no such thing that's flat.

Soldier-Sir, I have been fighting to secure the blessings you enjoy; I have assisted in contributing to the glory and welfare of the country which has hospitably received you, and can you so inhospitably reject me from your house?

Patrick-Reject you, who in the devil talked a word about rejecting you? May be I am not the Scurvy spalpeen you take me to be, John Wilson. You asked me to let you lie on my floor, my kitchen floor, or in my stable; now, by the powers, d'ye think I'd let a perfect stranger do that, when I have half a dozen soft feather beds all empty? No, by the Hill o'Howth, John, that's flat. In the second place you told me you were dying with hunger, and wanted a bone and a crust to eat; now, honey, d'ye think I'll feed a hungry man on bones and crust, when my yard is full of fat pullets, and turkeys, and pigs? No, by the powers, not I--that's flat. In the third place, you asked me for some simple water to quench your thirst; now as my water is none of the best, I never give it to a poor traveller without mixing it with pleaty of wine, brandy, whiskey, or something else wholesome and cooling. Come into my house, my honey; devil blow me, but you shall sleep in the

best feather bed I have; you shall have the best supper and breafast that my farm can supply, which, thank the Lord, is none of the worst; you shall drink as much water as you choose, provided you mix it with plenty of good wine or spirits, and provided also you prefer it. Come in my hearty, come in, and feel yourself at home. It shall never be said, that Patrick O'Flaherty treated a man scurvily who has been fighting for the dear country which gave him protection-that's flat.

PROSE V. POETRY.

Mr. Gifford to Mr. Hazlitt. What we read from your pen we remember no more. Mr. Hazlitt to Mr. Gifford.

What we read from your pen we remember before.

THE TWO HERVEYS.

Two Herveys had a mutual wish
To please in separate stations;
The one invented " Sauce for Fish,"
The other" Meditations."
Each has his pungent powers applied,
To aid the dead and dying;
That relishes a " Soal," when fried,
This saves the "Soul" from frying.

RIVAL LOVERS.

The following, said to be from the pen of the author of Palestine, was circulated in MS. some years since in the University of Oxford. It was occasioned by the elopement and marriage of a daughter of one of the Professors with her father's footman; the lady, whose name was Arabella, choosing this step, rather than be constrained to receive the addresses of an elderly gentleman, who, from a peculiarity in his gait, was nicknamed Dr. Toe.

Twixt foot-man John and Dr. Toc,
A rivalship befell;

Which should prove the favour'd beau,
To bear away the Belle.
The foot-man won the lady's heart,

And who can blame her? no man ;
The whole prevail'd against a part,
'Twas foot-man versus Toe-man,

NOVEL CRIM CON.

A young officer, a cornet in a regiment, being hos pitably entertained by a neighbouring fauner, formed a deliberate plan to seduce his wife. The usual siege was laid, and such assiduity preserved, that it could not escape the eye of the farmer; but, depending on his wife's constancy, he did not forbid the military advances of his guest. In process of time, however, the lady, who despised the advances of the captain, took an opportunity of stating the whole case to her husband: in consequence of which plan was laid, and the execution nearly proved fatal to the lover. The farmer one day invited all he officers of the regiment to dine with him, except the captain; and the captain was not a little rallied upon the neglect at the mess-room, where he had often said he should make the farmer's wife one of his regimental followers. However, the day previous to the dinner, the captain received a letter from the lady, intimating that if he would attend at the garden gate at half-past ten the same night, he should be conducted to a much more delicate entertainment than eating and drinking. All things were prepared -the officers dined with the farmer-and the captain, true to his appointment, met an Abigail, who conducted him to her mistress's bed-room. He was soon under the bed-clothes, and scarcely there before he received such a pressing hag as obliged him to call out for help; the alarm was given-the company ran up stairs with lights, and found the captain fast locked in the arms of a great she dancing bear. The proprietor of the beast holding the chain of his bear on the left-hand side of the bed: the first business was to release the poor lover from his hugging mistrem, which, with the assistance of the keeper, was soon effected, but at the expense of three broken ribs and a violent contusion on the temple: such was the winding ap of his expected felicity.

THE UNDERTAKER'S BILL.

An undertaker waited on a gentleman with the bill for the burial of his wife, amounting to 677. 'That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for laying

a silent female horizontally! you must have made some mistake!"-" Not in the least," answered the "handsome hearse-three couches coffin-monger, and six-well-dressed mutes - handsome pall-noThe gen body, your honour, could do it for less." tleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, but, as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there is a check for the amount." THE OPERA.

An Opera, like a pill'ry may be said,

To nail our Ears down, but expose our Head.

MUSICAL PERFECTION.

After one of the first musicians had been playing a solo, and shown a great many tricks upon his instrument, and was receiving applause for his great execution, a Lady observed to Dr. Johnson, how amazingly difficult the performance must be. « Madam," said the doctor, "I wish it had been impossible."

THE PEER AND THE PEDLAR.
A Member of the modern great

Pass'd Sawney with his budget:
The peer was in his car of state,

The tinker forc'd to trudge it,
But Sney shall receive the praise

His Lordship would parade for;
One's debtor for his dapple greys,
The other's shoes are paid for.

POLITE FORBEARANCE.

A nobleman being seated with a party of ladies in a stage-bcx, a sprig of fashion came in booted and spurred. At the end of the act, the peer rose, and making the young man a low bow, said, “I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer you our thanks for your forbearance."-"I don't understand you; what do you mean?" said the stranger. "I mean," repeated the other. you have come with your boots and spurs, to thank you that you have not brought your horse."

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SHOTS.

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A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots which were fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Nowcastle, what kind of shot it was? Why," said the man, in his broad dialect, "such as they shoot fools (fowls) with, and the like." "What kind of fools" says the duke, smiling at the word. Why, my lord, dukes, (ducks) and sic kin' o'fools."

AURICULAR TELESCOPE.

"

A gentleman remarked one day to an Irish baTonet, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at an incredible distance, "My dear felow," replied the barone," I have one at my lodge that will be a match for it; it brought the church so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing Psalms."

HEAR BOTH SIDES.

Hodge held a farm, and smil'd content,
While one year paid another's rent;
But if he ran the least behind,
Vexation stung his anxious mind;
For not an hour would landlord stay,
But seize the very quarter day.
How cheap soc'er or scant the grain,
Though urg'd with truth, was urg'd in vain.
The same to him if false or truc,

For rent must come when rent was due.
Yet that same landlord's cows and steeds
Broke Hodge's fence and cropt his meads
In hunting, that same landlord's hounds
See! how they spread his new-sown grounds!
Dog, horse, and man, alike o'erjoyed,
While half the rising crop's destroy'd,
Yet tamely was the loss sustain'd-
'Tis said, the suff'rer once complain d;
The Squire laugh'd loudly while he spoke,
And paid the bumpkin-with a joke.

But luckless still poor Hodge's fate- ◄
His worship's bull has forc'd a gate,
And gor'd his cow, the last and best;
By sickness he had lost the rest.
Hodge felt at heart resentment strong:
The heart will feel that suffers long.
A thought that instant took his head,
And thus within himself he said.
"If Hodge, for once, don't sting the Squire,
May people post him for a liar."

He said-across his shoulder throws
His fork, and to his landlord goes.

"I come an't please you to unfold What, soon or late, you must be told. My bull (a creature tame till now), My bull has gor'd your worship's cow. 'Tis known what shifts I make to live Perhaps your houour may forgive."

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Forgive!" the Squire replied, and swore, Pray cant to me, forgive, no more. The law my damage shall decide;

And know, that I'll be satisfied." "Think, Sir, I'm poor, poor as a rat.” "Think, I'm a justice, think of that!" Hodge bow'd again, and scratch'd his head, And, recollecting, archly said,

Sir, I'm so struck when here before ye,
I fear I've blunder'd in the story.
'Fore George! but I'll not blunder now;
Your's was the bull, Sir, mine the cow;"

His worship found his rage subside,
And with calm accent thus replied:

I'll think upon your case to-night-
But I perceive 'tis alter'd quite !"
Hodge shrugg'd, and made another bow,

An please ye, where's the Justice now?"

TRUMP CARDS.

George III. once noticed a Mr. Blanchard's hous on Richmond Hill; and, being told it belonged to a card-maker, he observed, "What! what! what a card-maker! all his cards must have turned uj trumps."

SERMON ON THE WORD MALT, PREACHED BY THE
REV. MR. DODD IN A HOLLOW TREE.

tery; in all, L, Looseness of Life; and in some T, Treason. The effects that it works in the world to come, are-M, Misery; A, Anguish; L, Lamentation; and T, Torment, and so much for this time and text.

The Rev. Mr. Dodd, a very worthy minister, who lived a few miles from Cambridge, had rendered himself obnoxious to many of the Cantabs by fre- "I shall improve this, first by way of exhortation quently preaching against drunkenness. Several of M, Masters, A, All of you; L, Leave off; T these meeting him on a journey, they determined to Tipling; or secondly, by way of excommunication— make him preach in a hollow tree, which was near M, Masters; A, All of you; L, Look for; T, Torthe roadside. Accordingly, addressing him with ment. Thirdly, by way of caution take this. A great apparent politeness, they asked him if he had drunkard is the annoyance of modesty, the spoil not lately preached much against drunkenness. On of civility, the destruction of reason, the brewer's his replying in the affirmative, they insisted that he agent, the alehouse benefactor, his wife's sorrow, his should now preach from a text of their choosing. In children's trouble, his own shame, his neighbour's vain did he remonstrate on the, unreasonableness of scoff, a walking swill-bowl, the picture of a beast, expecting him to give them a discourse without and the monster of a man." sady, and in such a place : they were determined to se no denial, and the word MALT was given him by way of text, on which he immediately delivered himself as follows:

"Beloved, let me crave your attention. I am a little man, come at a short warning, to preach a short sermon, from a small subject, in an unworthy pulpit, to a small congregation. Beloved, my text is MALT: I cannot divide it into words, it being but one; nor into syllables, it being but one; I must, therefore, of necessity divide it into letters, which I ind to be these four, M, A, L, T.

"M, my beloved, is Moral; A, is allegorical; 1, is Literal; T, is Theological. The Moral is set forth to teach you drunkards good manners; therefore, M, Masters; A, all of you; L, listen; T. to my Text. The Allegorical is when one thing is spoken, and another thing is meant. The thing spoken of is Malt; the thing meant is the Juice of Malt; which you Cantabs make-M, your Master; A, your Apparel; L, your Liberty; and T, your Trust. The Literal is, according to the Letter-M, Much, A, Ale; L, Little; T, Trust. The Theological is according to the effects that it works; and these I find to be of two kinds: first in this world; secondly, in the world to come. The effects that it works in this world are, in some, M, Murder ; in others, A, Adul

CHARITY AND GALLANTRY

The Bishop of Exeter having established a poorhouse for twenty-five old women, asked Lord Mansfield for an inscription; upon which his Lordship

wrote:

Under this roof the Lord Bishop of Exeter

keeps Twenty-five women.

THE LATE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE.

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This nobleman was so accustomed to promises, that no applicant whatever left his presence without an assurance of having what he solicited for. A' major in the army once waited upon him on his return from abroad. ་ My dear major," said his grace, running up to him, and embracing him, I am heartily glad to see you; I hope all things go well with you."-" I can't say they do, my lord duke," returned he; " I have had the misfortune to lose my "Say no more, my dear major," returned be, say no more, I entreat you, I'll give you a better."-" Better, my lord," returned the major, "that cannot be!"-" How so, my dear friend? how so?" replied the duke. Because," rejoined the major, "I have lost my leg."

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