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pounds a year will not be proposed to him, and if “That though some fops of Celia prate, mnade gold, the more agreeable.

« Yet be not hers the praise ; Your petitioner persuades himself that your ma “ For, if she should be passing straight, jesty will not impute this his humble application to “ Hem! she may thank her stays. any mean interested motive, of which he has always “ Each fool of Delia's figure talks, had the utmost abhorrence.—No, sir! he confesses his " And celebrates her fame, weakness : honour alone is his object ; honour is bis“ But for my part, whene'er she walks, passion ; that honour which is sacred to him as a peer,

“I vow I think she's lame. and tender to him as a gentleman; that honour, in " And see Ma'am Harriet toss her head, short, to which he has sacrificed all other consider “ Lawk, how the creature stares : ations. It is upon this single principle that your "Well, well, thank heaven, it can't be said, petitioner solicils an honour, which at present in so "I give myself such airs !" Extraordinary a manner adorns the British Peerage ; The Ode concludes with the following stanzas : and which, in the most shining periods of ancient To woman every charm was given, Greeee, distinguished the greatest men, who were Design'd by all indulgent heaven, fed in the Prytaneum at the expense of the public.

To soften grief or care ; Upon this honour, far dearer to your petitioner For ye were form'd to bless mankind, than bis lite, he begs leave, in the most solemn To harmonize and soothe the mind : maguer, to assure your majesty, that in case you Indeed, indeed, ye were. shall be pleased to grant this his most modest request, But when froin those sweet lips we hear he will honourably support and promote, to the ut- Ill nature's whisper, Envy's sneer, taost of his abilities, the very worst measures, that Your power that moment dies : the very worst ministers can suggest ; but, at the Each coxcomb makes your name his sport, same time, should he unfortunately, and in a singu- And fools when angry will retort lar manner, be branded by a refusal, he thinks him What men of sense despise. self obliged in honour to declare, that he will, with Leave then such vain disputes as these, the utmost acrimony, oppose the very best measures And take a nobler road to please. --which your majesiy yourself shall ever propose or

Let Candour guide your way; promote. And your petitioner, &c. So shall you daily conquests gain,

And captives, happy in your chain,

Be proud to own your sway.
Now, now indeed, I burn with sacred fires,
Tis Scandal's self that every thought inspires !

ECCENTRIC HOSPITALITY.
I feel all potent Genius! now I feel
Thy working magic through each artery steal ; During the late American war, a soldier, who had
Each moment to my prying eyes

been wounded and honourably discharged, (but, perSome fresh disfigur'd beauties rise ;

haps, not paid,) being destitute aud benighted, Each moment I perceive some flaw

knocked at the door of an Irish farmer, when the folThat e'en ill-nature never saw.

lowing dialogue ensued : But hush! some airy whisperer hints,

Patrick-And wbo the devil are you now? In accents wisely faint,

Soldier-My name is John Wilson. "Divine Cleora rather squints :

Patrick,And where the devil are you going from, " Maria uses paint !

John Wilson?

EXTRACTS FROM AN ODE TO SCANDAL.

SHERIDAN,

PROSE V. POETRY.

THE TWO HERVEYS.

I beg of you.

Soldier---From the American army at Erie, sir. | best feather bed I have ; you shall have the best Patrick - And what in the devil do you want here? supper and breafast that my farm can supply, which,

Soldier--I want shelter to-uight; will you permit thank the Lord, is none of the worst; you shall drink me to spread my blanket on your floor and sleep to as much water as you choose, provided you mix it night?

with plenty of good wine or spirits, and provided Patrick Devil take me if I do, John Wilson, that's also you prefer it. Come in my hearty, come in, and flat.

feel yourself at home. It shall never be said, that Soidier-On

your
kitchen floor, sir ?

Patrick O'Flaherty treated a man scurvily who has Patrick-Not I, by the Hill o'Howth-that's flat. been fighting for the dear country which gave him Soldier-In your stable then ?

protection, that's flat, Patrick--I'm d-d if I do that either-that's flat. Soldier-I ain dying with hunger : give me but a

Mr. Gifford to Mr. Hazlitt. bone and a crust;. I ask no more.

What we read from your pen we remember no more. Patrick-The devil blow me if I do, sir-that's

Mr. Hazlitt to Mr. Gifford. flat.

What we read from your pen we remember before. Soldier-Give me some water to quench my thirst, Patrick--Beg and be hanged, I'll do no such

Two Herveys had a mutual wish thing—that's flat.

To please in separate stations ; Soldier-Sir, I have been fighting to secure the

The one invented“ Sauce for Fish," blessings you enjoy ; I have assisted in contributing

The other “ Meditations." to the glory and welfare of the country which has

Each has his pungent powers applied, hospitably received you, and can you so inhospitably

To aid the dead and dying ; reject me from

That relishes a “ Soal," when fried, house?

your Patrick--Reject you, who in the devil talked a This saves the “ Soul from frying. word about rejecting you ? May be I am not the scurvy spalpeen you take me to be, John Wilson. The following, said to be from the pen of the author You asked me to let you lie on my floor, my kitchen of Palestine, was circulated in Ms. some years since floor, or in my stable; now, by the powers, d'ye think in the University of Oxford. It was occasioned by I'd let a perfect stranger do that, when I have half a the elopement and marriage of a daughter of one of dozen soft feather beds all empty? No, by the Hill the Professors with her father's footman; the lady, o'Howth, John, that's flat. In the second place whose name was Arabella, choosing this step, rather

me you were dying with hunger, and than be constrained to receive the addresses of an wanted a bone and a crust to eat; now, honey, d'ye elderly gentleman, who, from a peculiarity in liis think I'll feed a hungry man on bones and crust, gait, was nicknamed Dr. Toe. when my yard is full of fat pullets, and turkeys, and Twixt fuot-man John and Dr. Toc, pigs ? No, by the powers, not I--that's flat. 'In the A rivalship berell ; third place, you asked me for some simple water to Which should prove the favour'd beau, quench your thirst; now as my water is none of the To bear away the Belle. best, I never give it to a poor traveller without mixing The foot-man won the lady's heart, it with plenty of wine, brandy, whiskey, or something And who can blame her ? no man; else wholesome and cooling. Come into my house, The whole prevail'd against a part, my honey; devil blow me, but you shall sleep in the 'Twas foot-man versus T'oe-inan,

RIVAL LOVERS.

you told

NOVEL CRIM COX.

THE OPERA.

BIUSICAL PERFECTION,

a silent female horizontally! you must have made A young officer, a cornet in a regiment, being hos. some mistake!"-" Not in the least," answered the pitably entertained hs a neighbouring farmer, formed coffin-monger, "handsome hearse - three couches a deliberate plan to seduce his wife. The usual and six --well-dressed mutes -- handsonje pall-110sie ze was laid, and such assiduity preserved, that it hody, your honour, could do it for less.” The geli. could not escape the eye of the farmer; but, de licnan rejoined: “It is a large sum, hut, as I am pending on his wife's constancy, he did not forbid satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as the military advances of his guest. In process of much to bury nic, I must not be behind her in an time, however, the lady, who despised the advances act of kindness; there is a check for the amount.” of the captain, took an opportunity of stating the abole case to ber husband : in consequence of which & plan was laid, and the execution nearly proved

An Opera, like a pilliry may be sail, fatal to the lover. The fanner one day invited all

To sail our Ears down, but expose our fead. he officers of the regiment to dine with bim, except the captain ; and Hie captain was not a little rallied

After one of the first musicians had been playing spon the neglect at the hiess-room, where he liad often said he should make the farmer's wife one of strument, and was receiving applause for his great

a solo, and shown a great many tricks upon his inku regimental followers. However, the day previous execution, a Lady observed to Dr. Johnson, low to the dinner, the captain received a letter from the amazingly difficult the performance must

be. lady, intimating that if he would attedd at the garden“ Madani,” said tlie doctor, “I wish it had been gate at half.past ten the sanse night, he should be

impossible." conducted to a much more delicate entertainnient than eating and drinking. All things were prepared -the officers dined with the farmer--and the cap

A Member of the modern great tain, true to his appointment, met an Abigail, who

Passo Sawney with his budgei: conducted him to her mistress's bed-room. He was The peer was in bis car of state, soon under the bed-clothes, and scarcely there before

Tlie tinker forc'd to trudge it, be received such a pressing hag as obliged him to But Suncy shall receive the praise call out for help; the alarm was given-the company

His Lordship would parade for; an ap stairs with lights, and found the captain fast One's debtor for his dapple greys, lacked in the arms of a great sbe dancing bear. The

The other's shoes are paid for. proprietor of the beast holding the chain of his bear on te left-hand side of the bed : the first business was to release the poor lover from his hugging mis

A nobleman bring seated with a party of ladies in a ten, which, with the assistance of the keeper, was stage-box, a sprig of fashion came in booted and soon effected, but at the expense of three broken ribs spurred. At the end of the act, the peer rose, and and a violent contusion on the temple : such was the making the young man a low bow, said, “I beg winding ap of his expected felicity.

Icave, Sir, in ihe name of these ladies, and for myself, THE UNDERTAKER'S Bill.

to offer you our thanks for your forbearance.”—“I

don't voderstand you ; what do you mean?" said da undertaker waited on a gentleman with the the stranger. “ I mean,” repeated the other. bül for the burial of his wife, amounting to 677. you have come with your hoois and spurs, to thank "That's a vast sum," said the widower, “ for laying you that you have not brought you horse."

TIIE PEER AND THE PEDLAR.

1

POLITE FORBEARANCE.

as

SHOTS. A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots which were fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Nowcastle, what kind of shot it was?

Why,” said the man, in his broad dialect, “ such as they shout fools (fowls) with, and the like." “ What kind of fools :” says the duke, smiling at the word. Why, my lord, dukes, (ducks) and sic kin' o fools."

AURICULAR TELESCOPE.

A gentleman remarked one day to an Irish basoner, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection ; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could disceru objects at an incredible distance, “ My dear felow," replied the barone', “ I have one at my lodge that will be a match for it; it brought the church so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing Psalms."

But luckless still poor Hodge's fate: * His worship’s bull has forc'd a gate, And gor'it his cow, the last and best; By sickness he had lost the rest. Hlodge felt at heart resentment strong: The heart will feel that suffers long. A thought that instant took his head, · And thus within himself he said. “ If Hodge, for once, don't sting the Squira, May people post him for a liar." He said-across his shoulder throws His fork, and to his landlord goes.

“ I come au't please you to unfold What, soon or late, you must be told. My bull (a creature tame till now), My bull has gor'd your worsbip's cow. 'Tis known what shifts I make to live Perhaps your honour may forgive."

Forgive !" the Squire replied, and store,

Pray cant to me, forgive, no more. The law my damage shall decide; And know, that I'll be satisfied." “ Think, Sir, I'm poor, poor as a rat." “ Think, I'm a justice, think of that!" Hodge bow'd again, and scratch'd his head, And, recollecting, archly said,

Sir, I'm so struck when here before ye,
I fear I've blunder'd in the story.
Fore George! but I'll not blunder pow;
Your's was the bull, Sir, mine the cow;'
His worship found his rage subside,
Aud with calm accent thus replied :
“ I'll think upon your case to-night-
But I perceive 'tis alter'd quite !**
Hodge shrugg'd, and made another bow,

Ao please ye, where's the Justice now?"

HEAR BOTH SIDES.

Hodge held a farm, and smil'd content,
While one year paid another's rent;
But if lie ran the least behind,
Vexation stung his anxious mind;
For uot an hour would landlord stay,
But seize the very quarter day.
How cheap soc'er or scant the grain,
Though urg'd with truth, wai urg'd in vain.
The same lo him if false or true,
For rent must come when rent was due.
Yet that same landlord's cows and steeds
Broke Hodge's fence and cropt his meads
In hunting, that same landlord's hounds
See! how they spread his new-sovn grounds!
Dog, horse, and man, alike o'erjoved,
While half the rising crop's destroy'd,
Yet tamely was the loss sustain'd-
'Tis said, the suff'rer once complain d;
The Squire laugh'd loudly while he spoke,
and paid the banıpkio-with a joke.

TRUMP CARDS.

George 111, once noticed a Mr. Blanchard's house on Richmond Hill; and, being told it belonged to a card-maker, he observed, “ What! what! what! a card-nuaker! all his cards must have turned up trumps."

CHARITY AND GALLANTRY

SIRMON ON THE WORD ALT, PREACHED BY THE

tery; in all, L, Looseness of Life; and in some REV. NR. DODD IN A HOLLOW TREE.

T, Treason. The effects that it works in the world

to conue, are-M, Misery ; A, Anguish; L, LamenThe Rev. Mr. Dodd, a very worthy minister, who tation; and T, Torment, and so much fur this time lived a few miles from Cambridge, had rendered and text. himself obnoxious to many of the Cantabs by fre " I shall improve this, first by way of exhortation quently preaching against drunkenness. Several of -M, Masters, A, All of you ; L. Leave off; T these mecting him on a journey, they deterinined to Tipling; or secondly, by way of excommunicationmake him preach in a hollow tree, which was near M, Masters; A, all of you; L, Look for; T, Torthe roadside. Accordingly, addressing him with ment. Thirdly, by way of caution take this. A great apparent politeness, they asked him if he bad drunkard is the annoyance of modesty, the spoil not lately preached much against drunkenness. On of civility, the destruction of reason, the brewer's bis replying in the affirmative, they insisted that he agent, the alehouse benefactor, his wife's sorrow, his should now preach from a text of their choosing. In children's trouble, his own shame, his neighbour's vain did he remonstrate on the, unreasonableness of scotf, a walking swill-bowl, the picture of a beast, expecting him to give them a discourse without and the monster of a man." sudy, and in such a place : they were determined to bie no denial, and ihe word MALT was given him by way of text, on which he immediately delivered himself as follows:

The Bishop of Exeter having established a poor· Beloved, let me crave your attention. I am a

house for twenty-five old women, asked Lord Manslittle man, come at a short warning, to preach a

field for an inscription ; upon which his Lordship short sermon, from a small subject, in an unworthy

wrote: pulpit, to a small congregation. Beloved, my text is

Under this roof the Lord Bishop of Exeter MALT : I cannot divide it into words, it being but

keeps obe; nor into syllables, it being but one; I must,

Twenty-five women. therefore, of necessity divide it into letters, which I ind to be these four, M, A, L, T.

“M, my beloved, is Moral; A, is allegorical ; This nobleman was so accustomed to promises, L is Literal; T, is Theological. The Moral is set that no applicant whatever left his presence without' furb to teach you drunkards good manners; there- an assurance of having what he solicited for. A fore, M, Masters; A, all of you; L, listen; T. to my major in the army once waited upon him on his Text. The Allegorical is when one thing is spoken, return from abroad. “My dear major,'said his and another thing is meant. . The thing spoken of is grace, mnning up to him, and embracing him, " I Malt; the thing meant is the Juice of Malt; which am heartily glad to see you; I hope all things you Cantabs make-M, your Master; A, your Ap- go well with you.”—“I can't say they do, my lord parel; L, your Liberty; and T, your Trust. The duke,” returned he; “ I have had the misfortune to Literal is, according to the Letter-M, Much, lose my -"--"Say no more, my dear major," A, Ale; L, Little; T, Trust. The Theological is ac- returned be, " say no more, I entreat you, I'll give cording to the effects that it works; and these I find you a better." .“ Better, my lord," returned the to be of two kinds: first in this world ; secondly, major, " that cannot be !"-" How so, my dear in the world to come. The effects that it works in friend ? how so?" replied the duke. Because, this world are, in some, M, Murder; in others, A, Adul- rejoined the major, “ I have lost my leg."

THE LATE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE.

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