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KNOWING A MAN.
ADVICE TO A POOP GENTLEMAN.
most brilliant talent, or greatest genius. But they Empire to his Royal Highness, exclaimed, to the no are the steady men, who owe all their knowledge to small mortification of the historian, " What another hard reading, and desperate perseverance in study. —d big book, Mr. Gibbon ? hey ? Of course there are many-very many exceptions ; but what I state is for the most part the case. "I conclude this account by stating, that many things in it construction.
To know, is a word which is very liable to mis
“Do you know such a one ?" i. e. Are are extenuated, but « nought set down in malice;" and the observant student of a twelvemonth's stand: wish to acknowledge him as your friend? Though a
you upon terms of great intimacy ?-and, Do you ing in the University, if his acquaintance is at all buck and a quiz, or raff, were to dine together at the extensive, will find the truth of my assertions.
saine table every day--to meet together, continually, THE MISER'S DEATH-BED.
at wine parties--nay, keep together in the same stairAn old gentleman was on his death-bed. The case ;-yet, if the former were asked,-Whether he whole family, and Dick among the number, gather- knew either of the latter ? he would answer with all
“I leave my second son, Andrew,” imaginable coolness and composure, in the negative!. said the expiring miser, “my whole estate, and desire
“ There is such a man, but I don't know him." hira to be frugal.” Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong To ward off the gripe of poverty, you must pretend bis life and health to enjoy it himself
. "I recom- to be a stranger to her, and she will at least use you wend Simon, my third son, to the care of his elder with ceremony: If you be caught dining upon a brother
, and leave him beside four thousand pounds." halfpenny porringer of peas- soup and potatoes, praise "Ah, father,” cried Simon, (in great affliction to be the wholesomeness of your frugal repast. You may sure)“ may heaven give you life and health to enjoy observe, that Dr. Cheyne has prescribed pease-broth it yourself.” At last, turning to poor Dick, "As for for the gravel ; hint that you are not one of those who you, you have always been a sad dog ; you'll never are always making a deity of your belly. If, again, come to good ; you'll never be rich ; I'll leave you a you are obliged to wear a flimsy stuff in the midst of shilling to buy a halter." “Ah, father,” cried Dick, winter, be the first to remark, that stuffs are very without any emotion, "may heaven give you life and much worn at Paris ; or, if there be found some irrehealth to enjoy it yourself.'
parable defects in any part of your equipage, which cannot be concealed by all the arts of sitting cross
legged, coaxing, or darning, say, that neither you nor No cat has two tails,
Sampson Gideon were ever very fond of dress. If you A cat has one tail more than no cat,
be a philosopher, hint that Plato or Seneca are the Ergo. A cat has three tails,
tailors you choose to employ; assure the company WAS PLUCK'D for that man ought to be content with a bare covering,
since what now is so much his pride, was formerly Ned cut off his queue, and was powder'd with care,
his shame. In short, however caught, never give out; Yet sadly mistaken was Ned,
but ascribe to the frugality of your disposition what For tho' he had taken such pains with his hair,
others might be apt to attribute to the narrowness of The bishop found fault with his head.
your circumstances. To be poor, and to seem poor,
is a certain method never to rise : pride in the great A GREAT BOOK A GREAT EVIL.
is hateful . in the wise, it is ridiculous; but beggarly The late Duke of Cumberland, when Gibbon tri- pride is a rational vanity, which I have been tauglit umphantly presented the last volume uf his Romanlio applaud and excuse.
EXERCISE FOR YOUNG LOGICIANS.
EPIGRAM OXA CANTAB WHO
ART OP CUTTING.
I forgotten it. Marry, yet I remember there was such To cut, is to look an old friend in the face, and a fellow that I was very beneficial unto in my time. affect not to know him ; which is the cut direct !
But, however, Sir, I have the courtesy of the town
for To look any where but at him---which is the cut
you. I a
sorry you did not take me at my fa
ther's house ; but now I am in exceeding great haste; modest or cut-indirect!
To “ forget names with a good grace”—as, instead for I have vowed the death of a hare that was found of Tom, Dick, or Harry, to address an old friend,
this morning musing on her meaze.
Acad. Sir, I am emboldened by that great ac“Sir," or, “ Mister,-What's your name ?" This is the cut-courteous.
quaintance that heretofore I had with you, as likewise “Good den Sir Richard." God-a-mercy fellow!" it hath pleased you heretofore And if his name be George, I'll call him Peter;
Amor. Look, Sirrah, if you see my hobby come
hitherwards, as yet, &c. &c. For new made honour doth forget men's names.
Shakspeare's King John. To be intentionally engaged on the phenomena of The youth, perhaps may declamation prize, the heavenly bodies, when an old friend passes, is if to such glorious height he lifts his eges. the cut-celestial.
But lo! no common orator can hope Lastly, to dlart up an alley, dash across a street: The envied silver cup within his scope ; whip into a shop, or do any thing to avoid the trouble Not that our heads much eloquence require, and mortification of nodding the head to some one. Th’ Athenian's glowing style, or Tully's fire. whom, perhaps, you have as much reason to dislike, A manner clear and warm, is useless, since as the man in the epigramNon amo te--nec possum dicere quare—This is the Be other orators of pleasing proud,
We do not try by speaking to convince ; cut-circumbentibus ! The art of cutting an acquaintance is of very con. Our gravity prefers the muttering tone,
We speak to please ourselves, not move the crowd: siderable antiquity. In a comedy which was pub- A proper mixture of the squeak and groan; licly acted by the students of St. John's College, No borrowed grace of action must be seen, Cambridge, in 1606, the following dialogue occurs, The slightest motion would displease the dean; which is very smart and cutling :
Whilst every staring graduate would prate Acad. God save you, sir.
Against what he could never imitate. Amor. [Aside.) By the mass, I fear me I saw this
. The man who hopes to obtain the promised cup, genus et species in Cambridge, before now. I'll take no notice of him. By the faith of a gentleman, this Nor stop, but rattle over every word,
Must in one posture stand, and ne'er look up, is pretty elegy of what age is the day, fellow ? No matter what so it cannot be heard ; Sitrah, boy, hath the groom saddled my hunting. Thus let him hurry on nor think to rest, hobby? Can Robin Hunter tell where a hare sits ?
Who speak the fastest sure to speak the best;
Who utters most within the shortest space
May safely hope to win the wordy race. have forgotten you.
RULES FOR BENI AVIOUR, DRAWN UP BY THE INDIGENT Acad. My name is Academico, sir; one that made an oration for you once on the Queen's day, and a If you be a rich man, you may enter the room show that you got some credit by.
with three loud hems, march deliberately up to the Amor. It may be so; it may be so; but I have chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If you be a
RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL.
poor man, I would advise you to shrink into the roomThese men ex absurdo conclusions may draw;
Not one of the set, lads, could balance a strawWhen you are desired to sing in company, I And longitude-seeking is hunting the wind. would advise you to refuse ; for it is a thousand to Chorus.-Then, lay by your books, lads, &c. one but that you torment us with affectation, or a If we study at all, let us study the means bad voice.
To make ourselves friends, and to keep them when If you be young, and live with an old man, I
made ; would advise you not to like gravy ; I was disinhe- Learn to value the blessings kind Heaven ordainsrited myself for liking gravy:
To make other men happy, let that be our trade. Don't laugh much in public ; the spectators that
Chorus. are not as merry as you, will hate you, either because they envy your happiness, or fancy themselves the Let each day be better than each day before ; subject of your mirth.
Without pain or sorrow,
To-day, or to-morrow,
May we live, my good lads, to see many days more. Come, ye good College lads, and attend to my lays, I'll show you the folly of poring o'er books; Tær all ye get by it is mere empty praise,
The person who desires to raise the devil, is to Or a poor meagre fellowship, and sallow looks.
sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own proChorus.
perty, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal obeThen lay by your books, lads, and never repine ; dience, and then to receive a mark in some unseen And cram not your attics
place, either under the eye-lid or in the roof of the With dry mathematics,
mouth, inflicted by the devil himself. Upon this he Put moisten your clay with a bumper of wine. has power given him over three spirits; one for The first of mechanics was old Archimedes,
earth, another for air, and a third for the sea. Upon Who plav'd with Rome's ships, as he'd play cup in which cach is to give an account of what evil he
certain times the devil holds an assembly of magicians, and ball; To play the same game, I can't see where the need has done, and what he wishes to do. At this assem
bly he appears in the shape of an old man, or often Or why we should fag mathematics at all?
like a goat with large horns. They, upon this occa
sion, renew their vows of obedience; and then form Chorus — Then lay by your books, lads, &c. Great Newton found out the Binomial law,
a grand dance in honour of their false deity. The
devil instructs them in every method of injuring manTo raise x + y to the power of b;
kind, in gathering poisons, and of riding upon occaFound the distance of planets that he never saw, sion through the air. He shows them the whole And which we most probably never shall see.
method, upon examination, of giving evasive answers ; Chorus.—Then lay by your books, lads, &c.
his spirits have power to assume the form of angels Let Whiston and Ditton star gazing enjoy,
of light, and there is but one method of detecting And taste all the sweets mathematics can give; them ; viz. to ask them, in proper form, What method Let us for our time find out better employ, is the most certain to propagate the faith over all the And knowing life's sweets, let us learn how to live. world ? To this they are not permitted by the Superior
Chorus - Then lay by your books, lads, &c. Power to make a false reply, nor are they willing to
THE OATH OF LOVE.
give the true one, wherefore they continue silent, and | Nor make a fire, por eke compose a coach, are thus detected.
GOLDSMITH. Of saucepans, trumpets, cheese, and such swert
“Sorrow hath ta'en my number;"-I encroach Democritus, who was always laughing, lived one No more upon the chariot ;--but the chair. hundred and nine years ; Heraclitus, who never ceased Gone is the stride, four steps, across the stage ! crying, only sixty. Laughing then is best ; and to Gone is the light vault o'er a turnpike gate! laugh at one another is perfectly justifiable, since we Sloth puts my legs into this tiresome cage, are told that the gods themselves, though they made And stops me for a toll,-I find, too late ! us as they pleased, cannot help laughing at us. How Ware would quiver his mad bow about
His rosin'd tight ropes—when I happ'd a dance
How would I twitch the Pantaloon's good gout
And help his fall--and all his fears enchance! “ In earnest love me as you say?
How children shriek'd to see me eat!-How I “Or are these tender words applied
Stole the broad laugh from aged sober folk! “Alike to fifty girls beside ?"
Boys pick'd their plums out of my Christmas pie,“ Dear, cruel,” said I, “ forbear
And people took my vices for a joke.
-that's foolish) --troublesome! be nchShe stopp'd me as the oath I took,
And oh, J. S. to every fancy stoop! And said, “ You've sworn---so kiss the book."
Carry a ponderous pocket at thy breech,
And roll thine eyes, as thou wouldst roll a hoop. LEGAL DIFFICULTY.
Hand Columbine about with nimble haud, Judge Garrow, in the cross-examination of a pre Covet thy neighbour's riches as thy own : varicating old female witness, by which it was essen- Dance on the water, swim upon the land, tial to prove that a tender of money had been made, Let thy legs prove themselves bone of my bone.
paper thrown to him from a counsel on Cuff Pantaloon, be sure—forget not this : the other side, on which was written,
As thou beats him, thou'rt poor, J. S. cr funny ! Garrow,--submit;that tough old jade, And wear a deal of paint upon thy phiz, Can never prove--a tender maid!
It doth boys good, and draws in gallery money. GRIMALDI'S LAMENT ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM
Lastly, be jolly ? be alive! be light!
Twitch, fiirt, and caper, tumble, fall, and throw! Adieu to Mother Goose !-adieu-adieu
Grow up right ugly in thy father's sight! To spangles, tufted heads, and dancing limbs,
And be an “absolute JOSEPH," like old Joe! Adieu to Pantomime-to all that drew
THE BOAr's HEAD TAVERN, IN EASTCIIEAN. O'er Christmas' shoulders a rich robe of whims ! Here by a pleasant fire, in the very room where old Never shall uld BOLOGNA-old, alack !
Sir John Falstaff
' cracked his jokes, in the very chair Once he was young and diamonded all o'er, which was sometimes honoured by prince Henry, Take his particular Joseph on his back
and sometime polluted by his immoral merry comAnd dance the matchless fling, so loved of yore. panions, I sat and ruminated on the follies of yonth ; Ne'er shall I build the wondrous verdant man, wished to be young again ; but was resolved to make
Tall, turnip-headed,,carrot-finger'd, lean ; the best of life while it lasted, and now and then Ne'er shall I, on the very newest plan,
compared past and present times together. I conCabbage a body ;-old Joe Frankenstein, sidered myself as the only living representative of the
had a scrap
old kaight, and transported my imagination back to . " I now found that spirits still preserve the frai)the times when the prince and he gave life to the ties of the flesh; and that, according to the laws of Terel, and made even debauchery not disgusting. The criticism and dreaming, ghosts have been known to room also conspired to throw my reflectioas back into be guilty of even more than platonic affection : antiquity: the oak floor, the gothic windows, and the wherefore as I found her too much moved on such ponderous chimney-piece, had long withstood the a topic to proceed, I was resolved to change the tooth of time : the watchman had gone twelve: my subject; and desiring she would pledge me in a companions had all stolen off, and none now remained bumper, observed, with a sigh, that our sack was with me but the landlord. From him I could have nothing now to what it was in former days. Ah, wished to know the history of a tavern that had such Mrs. Quickly, those were merry times when you. a long succession of customers : I could not help diew sack for prince Henry : men were twice as thinking that an account of this kind would be a strong, and twice as wise, and much braver, and ten pleasing contrast of the manners of different ages; thousand times more charitable than now. Those bat my landlord could give me no information. He were the times! The battle of Agincourt was a continued to doze and sot, and tell a tedious story, victory indeed! ever since that we have only been 25 most other landlords usually do; and, though he degenerating; and I have lived to see the day when said nothing, yet was never silent: one good joke drinking is no longer fashionable. When men wear kllowed another good joke ; and the best joke of all clean shirts, and women show their necks and arms, ma generally begun towards the end of a bottle. I all are degenerated, Mrs. Quickly; and we shall tard at last, however, his wine and his conversation probably, in another century, be flittered away into operate by degrees : he insensibly began to alter his beaus or monkeys. Had you been on earth to see appearance. His cravat seemed quilled into a ruff, what I have seen, it would congeal all the blood in and bis breeches swell out into a fardingale. I now your body (your soul, I mean.) Why, our very nofancied him changing sexes: and, as my eyes began bility now have the intolerable arrogance, in spite 3 close in slumber, I imagined my fatlandlord ac- of what is every day remonstrated from the press; tually converted into as fat a landlady. However, our very nobility, I say, have the assurance to fresleep made but few changes in my situation : the quent assemblies, and presume to be as merry as the tavern, the apartment and the table, continued as vulgar. See, my very friends have scarce manhood before ; nothing suffered mutation but my host, who enough to sit to it till eleven ; and I only am left to was fairly altered into a gentlewoman, whom I knew make a night on't. Pr’ythee do me the favour to to be dame Quickly, mistress of this tavern in the console me a little for their absence by the story of days of Sir John ; and the liquor we were drinking your own adventure, or the history of the tavern seemed converted into sack and sugar.
where we are now sitting : I fancy the narrative may * My dear Mrs. Quickly," cried I, (for I knew have something singular.” ber perfectly well at first sight) “ I am beartily glad “ Observe this apartment,” interrupted my comis see you. How have you left Falstaff, Pistol, and panion; of neat device and excellent workmanship the rest of our friends below stairs ? Brave and hearty, -In this room I have lived, child, woman and ghost, I hope?" “ In good sooth,” replied she, “ he did more than three hundred years : I am ordered by deserve to live for ever ; but he maketh” foul work Pluto to keep an annual register of every transaction oa't where he hath flitted. Queen Proserpine and he that passeth here; and I have wilhom compiled three have quarrelled for his attempting a rape upon her hundred tomes, which eftsoon may be submitted to divinity; and were it not that she still had bowels thy regards," " None of your wilhoms or eftsoons's, of compassion, it more than seems probable he might Mrs. Quickly, if you please,” I replied: "I know have been now sprawling in Tartarus."
you can talk every wbit as well as I can; for, as you