most brilliant talent, or greatest genius. But they | Empire to his Royal Highness, exclaimed, to the no are the steady men, who owe all their knowledge to small mortification of the historian, "What another hard reading, and desperate perseverance in study. d-d big book, Mr. Gibbon ? hey?"

Of course there are many-very many exceptions;
but what I state is for the most part the case.
I con-
clude this account by stating, that many things in it
are extenuated, but "nought set down in malice;"
and the observant student of a twelvemonth's stand
ing in the University, if his acquaintance is at all
extensive, will find the truth of my assertions.

THE MISER'S DEATH-BED.

An old gentleman was on his death-bed. The whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered around him. "I leave my second son, Andrew," said the expiring miser, "my whole estate, and desire him to be frugal." Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himself. "I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of his elder brother, and leave him beside four thousand pounds." “Ah, father,” cried Simon, (in great affliction to be sure) "may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself." At last, turning to poor Dick, “As for you, you have always been a sad dog; you'll never come to good; you'll never be rich; I'll leave you a shilling to buy a halter." "Ah, father," cried Dick, without any emotion, "may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself.”

GOLDSMITH.

EXERCISE FOR YOUNG LOGICIANS.
No cat has two tails,

A cat has one tail more than no cat,
Ergo. A cat has three tails.

KNOWING A MAN.

To know, is a word which is very liable to misconstruction. "Do you know such a one?" i. e. Are you upon terms of great intimacy?-and, Do you wish to acknowledge him as your friend? Though a buck and a quiz, or raff, were to dine together at the same table every day-to meet together, continually, at wine parties-nay, keep together in the same staircase; yet, if the former were asked,-Whether he knew either of the latter? he would answer with all imaginable coolness and composure, in the negative!. There is such a man, but I don't know him."

ADVICE TO A POOR GENTLEMAN.

To ward off the gripe of poverty, you must pretend to be a stranger to her, and she will at least use you with ceremony. If you be caught dining upon a halfpenny porringer of peas soup and potatoes, praise the wholesomeness of your frugal repast. You may observe, that Dr. Cheyne has prescribed pease-broth for the gravel; hint that you are not one of those who are always making a deity of your belly. If, again, you are obliged to wear a flimsy stuff in the midst of winter, be the first to remark, that stuffs are very much worn at Paris; or, if there be found some irreparable defects in any part of your equipage, which cannot be concealed by all the arts of sitting crosslegged, coaxing, or darning, say, that neither you nor Sampson Gideon were ever very fond of dress. If you be a philosopher, hint that Plato or Seneca are the tailors you choose to employ; assure the company

EPIGRAM ON A CANTAB WHO WAS PLUCK'D FOR that man ought to be content with a bare covering,

ORDERS.

Ned cut off his queue, and was powder'd with care,
Yet sadly mistaken was Ned,

For tho' he had taken such pains with his hair,
The bishop found fault with his head.

A GREAT BOOK A GREAT EVIL.

The late Duke of Cumberland, when Gibbon triumphantly presented the last volume of his Roman

since what now is so much his pride, was formerly his shame. In short, however caught, never give out; but ascribe to the frugality of your disposition what others might be apt to attribute to the narrowness of your circumstances. To be poor, and to seem poor, is a certain method never to rise: pride in the great is hateful. in the wise, it is ridiculous; but beggarly pride is a rational vanity, which I have been taught to applaud and excuse.

GOLDSMITH,

ART OF CUTTING.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

forgotten it. Marry, yet I remember there was such To cut, is to look an old friend in the face, and a fellow that I was very beneficial unto in my time. affect not to know him; which is the cut direct! But, however, Sir, I have the courtesy of the town To look any where but at him-which is the cut-ther's house; but now I am in exceeding great haste; for you. I am sorry you did not take me at my fa

modest or cut-indirect!

Sir," or, the cut-courteous.

To "forget names with a good grace"-as, instead for I have vowed the death of a hare that was found of Tom, Dick, or Harry, to address an old friend, this morning musing on her meaze. Mister, What's your name?" This is Acad. Sir, I am emboldened by that great acquaintance that heretofore I had with you, as likewise it hath pleased you heretofore Amor. Look, Sirrah, if you see my hobby come hitherwards, as yet, &c. &c.

"Good den Sir Richard."--" God-a-mercy fellow!" And if his name be George, I'll call him Peter; For new made honour doth forget men's names.

Shakspeare's King John. To be intentionally engaged on the phenomena of the heavenly bodies, when an old friend passes, is

the cut-celestial.

Lastly, to dart up an alley, dash across a street, whip into a shop, or do any thing to avoid the trouble and mortification of nodding the head to some one, whom, perhaps, you have as much reason to dislike, as the man in the epigram

Non amo te-nec possum dicere quare-This is the

cut-circumbendibus!

CAMBRIDGE DECLAMATION.

The youth, perhaps may declamation prize, If to such glorious height he lifts his eyes. The envied silver cup within his scope; But lo! no common orator can hope Not that our heads much eloquence require, Th' Athenian's glowing style, or Tully's fire. A manner clear and warm, is useless, since Be other orators of pleasing proud, We do not try by speaking to convince ; Our gravity prefers the muttering tone, We speak to please ourselves, not move the crowd: A proper mixture of the squeak and groan; No borrowed grace of action must be seen, The slightest motion would displease the dean; Whilst every staring graduate would prate Amor. [Aside.] By the mass, I fear me I saw this The man who hopes to obtain the promised cup, Against what he could never imitate. genus et species in Cambridge, before now. I'll take no notice of him. By the faith of a gentleman, this Nor stop, but rattle over every word, Must in one posture stand, and ne'er look up, is pretty elegy. Of what age is the day, fellow-No matter what so it cannot be heard; Sirrah, boy, hath the groom saddled my hunting-Thus let him hurry on nor think to rest, hobby? Can Robin Hunter tell where a hare sits?

The art of cutting an acquaintance is of very considerable antiquity. In a comedy which was publicly acted by the students of St. John's College, Cambridge, in 1606, the following dialogue occurs, which is very smart and cutting!

Acad.--God save you, sir.

Acad. See a poor old friend of yours of S

College, in Cambridge.

Amor. Good faith, sir, you must pardon me. have forgotten you.

Acad. My name is Academico, sir; one that made an oration for you once on the Queen's day, and a show that you got some credit by.

Amor. It may be so; it may be so; but I have

Who speak the fastest sure to speak the best;
Who utters most within the shortest space
May safely hope to win the wordy race.

RULES FOR BEHAVIOUR, DRAWN UP BY THE INDIGENT
PHILOSOPHER.

If you be a rich man, you may enter the room with three loud hems, march deliberately up to the chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If you be a

poor man, I would advise you to shrink into the room | These men ex absurdo conclusions may draw ;
as fast as you can, and place yourself, as usual, upon
the corner of a chair in a remote corner.

When you are desired to sing in company, I would advise you to refuse; for it is a thousand to one but that you torment us with affectation, or a bad voice.

If you be young, and live with an old man, I would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinherited myself for liking gravy.

Perpetual motion they never could find :
Not one of the set, lads, could balance a straw-
And longitude-seeking is hunting the wind.
Chorus. Then, lay by your books, lads, &c.
we study at all, let us study the means

If

To make ourselves friends, and to keep them when
made;

Learn to value the blessings kind Heaven ordains→
To make other men happy, let that be our trade.
Chorus.

Don't laugh much in public; the spectators that
are not as merry as you, will hate you, either because
they envy your happiness, or fancy themselves the Let each day be better than each day before;
subject of your mirth.

COLLEGE SONG.

GOLDSMITH.

Or why we should fag mathematics at all?

Chorus-Then lay by your books, lads, &c.
Great Newton found out the Binomial law,
To raise xy to the power of b;
Found the distance of planets that he never saw,
And which we most probably never shall see.
Chorus. Then lay by your books, lads, &c.
Let Whiston and Ditton star gazing enjoy,
And taste all the sweets mathematics can give ;
Let us for our time find out better employ,
And knowing life's sweets, let us learn how to live.
Chorus.-Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

Without pain or sorrow,
To-day, or to-morrow,

May we live, my good lads, to see many days more.

RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL.

The person who desires to raise the devil, is to sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own property, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal obedience, and then to receive a mark in some unseen place, either under the eye-lid or in the roof of the mouth, inflicted by the devil himself. Upon this he has power given him over three spirits; one for earth, another for air, and a third for the sea. Upon in which each is to give an account of what evil he certain times the devil holds an assembly of magicians, has done, and what he wishes to do. At this assembly he appears in the shape of an old man, or often like a goat with large horns. They, upon this occasion, renew their vows of obedience; and then form a grand dance in honour of their false deity. The devil instructs them in every method of injuring mankind, in gathering poisons, and of riding upon occasion through the air. He shows them the whole method, upon examination, of giving evasive answers ; his spirits have power to assume the form of angels of light, and there is but one method of detecting them; viz. to ask them, in proper form, What method is the most certain to propagate the faith over all the world? To this they are not permitted by the Superior Power to make a false reply, nor are they willing to

give the true one, wherefore they continue silent, and | Nor make a fire, nor eke compose a coach, are thus detected.

GOLDSMITH. Of saucepans, trumpets, cheese, and such sweet fare;

old knight, and transported my imagination back to the times when the prince and he gave life to the revel, and made even debauchery not disgusting. The room also conspired to throw my reflections back into antiquity: the oak floor, the gothic windows, and the panderous chimney-piece, had long withstood the tooth of time the watchman had gone twelve: my companions had all stolen off, and none now remained with me but the landlord. From him I could have wished to know the history of a tavern that had such a long succession of customers: I could not help thinking that an account of this kind would be a pleasing contrast of the manners of different ages; but my landlord could give me no information. He continued to doze and sot, and tell a tedious story, as most other landlords usually do; and, though he said nothing, yet was never silent: one good joke followed another good joke; and the best joke of all generally begun towards the end of a bottle. I sad at last, however, his wine and his conversation perate by degrees: he insensibly began to alter his appearance. His cravat seemed quilled into a ruff, and his breeches swell out into a fardingale. I now fancied him changing sexes: and, as my eyes began to close in slumber, I imagined my fat landlord actually converted into as fat a landlady. However, sleep made but few changes in my situation: the tavern, the apartment and the table, continued as before; nothing suffered mutation but my host, who was fairly altered into a gentlewoman, whom I knew to be dame Quickly, mistress of this tavern in the days of Sir John; and the liquor we were drinking seemed converted into sack and sugar.

"I now found that spirits still preserve the frailties of the flesh; and that, according to the laws of criticism and dreaming, ghosts have been known to be guilty of even more than platonic affection: wherefore as I found her too much moved on such a topic to proceed, I was resolved to change the subject; and desiring she would pledge me in a bumper, observed, with a sigh, that our sack was nothing now to what it was in former days. Ah, Mrs. Quickly, those were merry times when you drew sack for prince Henry: men were twice as strong, and twice as wise, and much braver, and ten thousand times more charitable than now. Those were the times! The battle of Agincourt was a victory indeed! ever since that we have only been degenerating; and I have lived to see the day when drinking is no longer fashionable. When men wear clean shirts, and women show their necks and arms, all are degenerated, Mrs. Quickly; and we shall probably, in another century, be flittered away into beaus or monkeys. Had you been on earth to see what I have seen, it would congeal all the blood in your body (your soul, I mean.) Why, our very nobility now have the intolerable arrogance, in spite of what is every day remonstrated from the press; our very nobility, I say, have the assurance to fre quent assemblies, and presume to be as merry as the vulgar. See, my very friends have scarce manhood enough to sit to it till eleven; and I only am left to make a night on't. Pr'ythee do me the favour to console me a little for their absence by the story of your own adventure, or the history of the tavern where we are now sitting: I fancy the narrative may have something singular."

'My dear Mrs. Quickly," cried I, (for I knew her perfectly well at first sight) "I am heartily glad "Observe this apartment," interrupted my comto see you. How have you left Falstaff, Pistol, and panion; of neat device and excellent workmanship the rest of our friends below stairs? Brave and hearty,-In this room I have lived, child, woman and ghost, I hope?" "In good sooth," replied she, "he did deserve to live for ever; but he maketh foul work on't where he hath flitted. Queen Proserpine and he have quarrelled for his attempting a rape upon her divinity; and were it not that she still had bowels of compassion, it more than seems probable he might have been now sprawling in Tartarus."

more than three hundred years: I am ordered by Pluto to keep an annual register of every transaction that passeth here; and I have wilhom compiled three hundred tomes, which eftsoon may be submitted to thy regards," "None of your wilhoms or eftsoons's, Mrs. Quickly, if you please," I replied: "I know you can talk every whit as well as I can; for, as you