THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

SPARTAN DEvice.

A Lacedemoņian was quizzed for having a fly painted on his buckler, and his comrades told him he was afraid of being known. "Quite the reverse," replied he, "I shall come to such close quarters with the enemy, that he will have no difficulty in seeing the fly."

THE LAME SOLDIER.

A lame man, who enlisted in the infantry, being asked why he did not choose the cavalry on account of his infirmity, answered, "I do not go into battle to run away."

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RUMP-STEAKS AND
BEEF STEAKS.

Two Frenchmen, who had been in London, comparing notes, one of them was loud in praise of English bif takes, (beef-steaks,) "Yes," said the other," they are very good, but rum takes are much better."-"What are rum takes?" "Why, my friend, they are always bif takes, but they call them rum takes, because they put de rum in de sauce."

MICE SIX FEET HIGH, WITH ANTLERS. Monsieur Charles Malo, an eminent French translator, being employed on an American work, came to the words moose deer; he flew to his dictionary, but could not find moose, but finding mouse, he concluded moose to be a misprint, and he accordingly translated moose deer, de grands souris, qui ont six pieds de hauteur, avec des bois. "Great mice, six feet high, with antlers."

RETALIATION.

When Duke John, of Anjou, was approaching Naples, at the head of a large army, to take possession of that city, he had inscribed upon his standards, this passage of the gospel of St. John. "He was sent whose name was John." Alphonso, of Arragon, who defended the city, answered him by another passage of scripture, which he, in like manner, inscribed upon his standards," He came and they received him not,"

THE DOUBLE TRANSLATION A Welsh curate preached sermons in English, far beyond what was expected of him. One of his friends finding nothing analogous to them in his other writings, told him he thought he must be inspired when he composed his sermons," Ah, my tear friend! that is a secret which I will tell you, I have got, you do know, the cood and creat archsermons, and I do translate it into Welch, and bishop Tillotson's works, and I do take one of his then I do translate back again into English, after which the tevil himself would not know it again for his own."

THE BISHOP OF LLANDAFF.

dom, it indeed resembles a bishopric in partibus. The see of Llandaff is the poorest in the kingThe episcopal palace, and the cathedral, are both in ruins; hence many of the good people of Llandaff do not know what sort of thing a bishop is. Dr. Watson resolved, however, on visiting it; his arrival was announced for a certain day, which happened to be the fair; all were on the tiptoe of expectation, when a woman ran and called her neighbours together, 66 see the bishop."come, come directly, and -"Where is it?"-"In the church-yard, the queerest thing you ever saw." They ran in crowds, " Lud, lud! what a queer thing it is," they all cried, save one old woman, who had been to Bristol once in her life, and consequently could relate what she had seen on her travels, and was a kind of oracle amongst them, "That the bishop! why it is only a dancing bear." "Are you sure." "To be sure I am, I saw one at Bristol fair."- La! then it is not the bishop after all," said they," what a pity."

DIGNIFIED MENDICITY.

alms.
A beggar of the environs of Madrid implored
to him," to carry on such an infamous trade when
Are you not ashamed ?” said a passenger
you can work ?"—" Sir," replied the beggar, “ I
asked for money, and not advice," turning his
back with true Castilian dignity.

THE ENGLISH Deicides. The French missionaries in India, to inspire the tives with a horror of the English, constantly taught, that Jerusalem was London, and that it was the English who crucified our Saviour.

FORTUNATE OBSTACLE.

DEATH MADE TO WAIT.

An old Gascon was at the point of death, his son alarmed ran to the house of the priest to confess him, and give him extreme unction; it being very late at night, he knocked very gently at the door, and was three hours before he was heard. The curé being awaked, asked him why he did not knock A Spanish friar, preaching on the temptation, louder, "I was afraid of disturbing you, sir."when he came to the part where the devil she wed Well, what is the matter?"—" I left my father Christ all the kingdoms of the world, and said, at the last gasp, sir, and I want you to confess all these will I give thee, observed, "he did not him."" Why, if he was at the last gasp three re Spain, for the Pyrenees were in the way; if hours since, he must be dead by this time."—" Oh, he had seen it, our Saviour must have fallen." no, sir, my neighbour Pierrot promised to amuse him until I brought you to him."

THE WONDERFUL WORKS OF NATURE. Captain Greer and a party coming from the Isle of Wight to Portsmouth, one of the party aid, "Greer, if you don't make a bull till we get Portsmouth, we'll frank you for a week; if you do you shall pay a dinner to the party."-" Done," exclaimed Greer," I'll win that, for by J- -s I Von't open my lips till we get ashore." Every attempt to make him talk was ineffectual, till the boat passed under the stern of the Queen Charlete man-of-war, when Greer, struck with adsiration, raised his hands, and exclaimed, "how wonderful are the works of nature !" It need not be added that he lost the dinner.

WHO TOLD YOU?

"Lady Racher is put to bed," said Sir Boyle
a friend." What has she got ?"- "Guess.".
A boy ?"-" No, guess again."—" A girl?”
Who told you.”

THE LIBERTY OF THE PRESS.

After the death of the Duke de Berry, a law was presented to restrain the liberty of the press, which made every one hasten to profit by it, before the law was passed. A pickpocket being caught the fact of picking a pocket in a crowd, or, as te French call it, a presse, he was taken before he commissary of police, who asked him if poverty ad driven him to it, he replied, "I only wished profit by the liberty of the press."

One of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day," papa, who was the father of George the Third ?""My darling," he answered, was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would have been George the Third if he had lived."

AN AMBIGUITY.

An ambassador of Charles V. at the court of S

liman, emperor of the Turks, was called to t audience of that prince. As he perceived, entering into the hall of audience, that there w no seat for him, and that it did not arise from fo An Irish attorney, not proverbial for his pro-getfulness, but pride, that he was left to rema bity, was robbed one night in going from Wick-standing, he took off his cloak, and seated himse low to Dublin. His father, next day, meeting Baron O'Grady, said, " My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery ?"-"No," replied the baron, "whom did he rob ?"

GUARDING AGAINST A LEAP.

upon it, with as much freedom as if this was a cu tom which had been long established. He decla ed the object of his mission with a confidence a presence of mind which Soliman himself cou not help admiring. When the audience was ende the ambassador went out without taking his cloa A prince, whose sallies never succeeded, because It was thought, at first, that this was owing to f they contained more bitterness than wit, standing getfulness, and he was therefore apprized of one day in a balcony, with a foreign minister, He answered, with equal gravity and mildne whom he wished to humiliate, said to him, " It"The ambassadors of the king, my master, a was from this balcony that one of my ancestors not in the habit of carrying their seats with them once made an ambassador leap."-" It would appear, then," replied the minister drily," that ambassadors did not in those times wear swords."

CONSISTENCY.

The Marshal Villeroy was wont to say, « Wh a man is appointed minister, were he made he would be my friend; but, if it happe straw, that he be disgraced, I am then ready to throw

pameless utensil at his head."

LUNATIC ASYLUM.

A Turkish ambassador asked Lorenzo de Medicis, why there were not so many mad men to be seen at Florence as at Grand Cairo ? "Behold the place," said Lorenzo, pointing to a monastery, 14 where we inclose them."

FRATERNAL LOVE.

During the period of the persecution of the Protestants in France, an English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV., the liberty of those who had been sent to the galleys for the cause of religion. The monarch replied to him, "What would the King of England say, if I demanded of him the prisoners of Newgate "-" Sire," answered the ambassador, "the king, my master, would grant them to your majesty, if your majesty claimed them as brethren."

ANAGRAM.

One of the happiest anagrams known, is that which forms an answer to the question which Pilate put to Christ. "Quid est veritas?" These three words are rendered letter for letter by the stagram est vir qui adest.

PRODIGALITY.

A petty journalist was boasting in company, that he was a dispenser of fame to those on whom be wrote. "Yes, sir," replied an individual present," you dispense it so liberally, that you leave Bone for yourself."

PRUDENT REserve.

GREEK ALPHABET.

A great scholar having just married a young lady, in whose virtue he had the most implicit reliance, "How does it happen," said a wag, "that a man who is so well acquainted with Greek, has taken an omega for an omicron?".

NEEDLESS PRECAUTION.

A man had been so often robbed in the streets of Paris, that be declared he dared not go out for fear of being robbed. "Why do not you carry pistols ?" said a friend; "What use would that be, they would be sure to steal them from me."

MORTAL DISEASES.

..

The Paris fish women met the abbé Maury one day as he was going to the assembly. "You talk like an angel, abbé," said one of them, " but, in spite of all that, you are' a fool."—" As for that, ladies," replied the abbé, 'you know very well that is not a mortal disorder." One day the abbé met a man in the street, crying about the death of Maury, the abbé gave him a tremendous box on the ear, "take that," said he, " if I am dead, you will at least believe in ghosts."

OCULISTS AND POLITICIANS.

The present Sir William Adams one day observing to a gentleman, that he sometimes treated on political subjects, and that it would perhaps be thought odd that an eye-doctor should be a politician," Pardon me, Sir William," said his friend, In the presence of a sarcastic woman, an indi-"I think the very reverse; for you must naturally vidual was praising the wit of a man who had a very limited intellect. "Oh, yes," said the lady, "be must possess a rich fund of it, for he never spends any."

POWER OF HABIT.

be expected to see more clearly than other men."

EARLY PROFLIGACY.

Sir Boyle Roche, the blunderer, rose one day in the Irish House of Commons, and said, with a A merchant, who was ordered to sign the bap-more serious and grave air than usual," Mr. fismal register of one of his children, subscribed **Peter and Company," so great was the force of tabit. He only perceived his mistake by the general laugh which was oxcited.

Speaker, the profligacy of the times is such, Mr. Speaker, that little children, who can neither walk nor talk, may be seen running about the streets cursing their maker."

Week pass'd after week, till by weekly succession,"
His weakly condition was past all expression.

In six months his acquaintance began much to
doubt him;

For his skin, "like a lady's loose gown," hung

The doctor look'd wise." A slow fever," he en the firmament of fashion; among the number