THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. JONAH'S SOLILOQUY. What house is this? here's neither coal nor Where I nothing but guts of fishes handle Where day ne'er dawn'd, where sun did never The like of this on earth man never saw, Plunged under waters hundred fathoms deep! For through a window he the light did see ; ON DR. JOHNSON. By Soame Jenyngs. Here lies poor Johnson; reader, have a care, JOB'S COMFORTERS. The world abounds with a description of persons who may be desiguated by the title of croakers; mortals endowed with optics so unhappily formed in their views of the affairs of others, that they can contemplate nothing in the long perspective of a fellow-creature's life but one uninterrupted scene of gloom,"Shadows, clouds, and darkness, rest upon it." If you consult a person of this class on the subject of your affairs, there are no hopes which he will not deem unfounded, no expectations that are not too sanguine, no projects that are not futile and visionary. Young persons, in particular, he will have a most kind and special care of guarding against that buoyancy of spirits so natural at their time of life. In addition to the "hair-breadth 'scapes" to which all are liable, and on which he will not fail to expatiate most emphatically, he will discover, in the peculiar character of each individual with whom he converses, something calculated to augment his distrust and enhance his dangers. Though most lavish, even to intrusiveness, of his opinions, he is far from prodigal of In fact, you would vainly seek it of advice. him; his forte is dissuasion. Whatever steps you propose to pursue, ask his sentiments upon the subject, and all that you are likely to learn is, that "here Scylla foams, and there Charybdis yawns." He will leave no objection to any of your plans unstated; and availing himself of the noted maxim of antiquity, that the gods have placed all human good on the right hand and on the left, he will never leave his argument till he has, to the best of his ability, succeeded in convincing you, that, let the measures you intend to adopt be what they may, your object will prove equally unattainable. If he have sufficient influence over the person he addresses, he will, perhaps, be thus enabled to beget in him all the indolence of indecision, and all the torment of suspense. But, though the croaker may succeed in establishing the impropriety of every plan suggested by another, he will be careful not to commit himself, or assist you by proposing any substitute. It is in dissuasion, as I have before observed, that he shines. Besides, he abounds in predictions, though invariably of an unfavourable description, and prides himself not a little on bis gift in the way of prophecy. Indeed, it would be surprising if he had not much room for boasting in this line; for if he be of your acquaintance, scarcely any mishap of any description can befal you, of which you will not be able to say with truth, 66 cussing the projects of his friends, and the latter when he derides the hopes of indifferent persons. His voice is chilling, and his aspect acetous; and he is unfortunately gifted with an intuitive perception of the most ready means of overclouding the sunny scenes of pleasure, or of making the darkness of trouble "deeper and deeper still." In vain would you exclaim to Tim, in the midst of his career, male ominatis parcite verbis ;" Sæpe sinistra cavâ prædixit ab illice cornix." they appear to be his natural dialect, and we might almost suspect that he lisped in them, as Pope For the human croaker is no less an ill-omened did in numbers, from his very infancy. To a lady boder of mischief in modern times, than the fea- who had recently lost her only child, Tim kindly thered one was esteemed to be among the ancients. remarked, that the distemper was evidently hereAnd, as his prophecies respecting some one or ditary decline, and that it was common to her other of his acquaintance include almost every husband's family, all of whom had died very circumstance in the dark catalogue of physical young. His saturnine temperament can even and moral evil; as his provident anticipations contrive to extract prospective misfortune out of have marked out, for sundry of his fellow-crea-present felicity. If a young tradesman has made tures, nearly every article of deprecation which a successful beginning, Tim will observe, how the Litany affords; it may be pretty confidently much better it in general ultimately proves to expected, in a world so replete with vice and take the rough of life before the smooth; that misery as ours, that no small portion, among so "fair and softly goes far in a day;" and that the zich a variety, will certainly be accomplished. usual consequences of early success in trade is to My acquaintance, Tim Damper, may not un-turn a young person's brain, and to render him justly be regarded as the unrivalled prince of the extravagant and negligent of his business. Being eroaking fraternity. I was about to have called in company with the sister of a gentleman in the him my friend; but, really, whatever may be his bank, who is fond of fashionable amusements, he intentions, as far as his conduct may decide, Tim made various comments on the strong temptations is a friend to no man. Though my knowledge under which persons in that department, partiof his character ought, by this time, to have cularly if of gay habits, must labour to be guilty neutralized the effects of his conversation upon of embezzlement, if not of forgery. Tim is never me, I seldom escape from his company without a without a newspaper in his pocket, which he renit of the vapours. Tim, is, in fact, a kind of ders admirably subservient to his purpose. If he moving upas tree, whose contagious influence, meets with any person who has friends at sea, he wherever it is diffused, blights all the joyous never fails to read, with great deliberation, the freshness and enlivening gaiety of life. If hope accounts of the damages done by heavy gales; have been justly termed the taper whose glim- and, as a commentator on the Bankrupt List, he mering light can, in some measure, cheer the most is a very Bentley. The other day he was edifying gloomy scenes of existence, Tim may not unaptly a widow lady, whose son is at Smyrna, with some be denominated the extinguisher. The habitual very amplified accounts of the present contest expression of his physiognomy is either the gravity between the Greeks and the Turks; and yesterday of mournful anticipation, or the withering smile evening, taking a turn towards Westminster, I of contempt. The former is employed while dis-detected him in the act of endeavouring to con stray, While perchance, now and then, at bystanders he'd bray. vince a country gentleman, who has a share in one | And with long ears and tail o'er the graves did he of the temporary erections for the accommodation ef spectators at the approaching coronation, that, in consequence of the pending debates on the Queen's claim, that event must inevitably take place at a very distant period, if at all. I would fain endeavour to persuade myself, that characters such as Mr. Damper are actuated merely by a restless disposition, and a wish of displaying their self-importance, did not a certain pleasure, which they cannot avoid betraying. when their predictions are verified, and still more, their evident mortification where the reverse is the case, appear to justify the suspicion that their motives are of a more malevolent description. "Facile credunt quod volunt." I can hardly conceive that a man who is constantly foreboding ill to others has their good very much at heart. The humourous Swift appears to have been pretty much of this opinion. After mentioning the affected apprehensions of persons of this description for his declining state of health, be thus sums up his own estimate of their benevolence: "Thus, dealing in rhetoric tropes, MIDAS'S SECOND MISTAKE. And once, when old Midas was passing along, That again should his beast the churchwarden But should he dock My donkey-I'll cut off HIS ears." When no sooner the answer was brought to him back, But he summon'd before him the clown in a crack, And he said-" Thou vile varlet, how comes it to pass, That thou dar'st for to threaten to crop a just-ass? see That the next Lent assizes, he'll swing on a tree.” Once, an old country squaretoes, to fopp'ry a foe," I swing on a tree, and for what?" replies And disgusted alike at a crop and a beau, Being churchwarden made, was in office so strict, That there scarce was a coat, but a hole in't he'd pick; lafringements, encroachments, and trespasses scouting, And from straddling the tomb-stones the boys daily routing; At last, made a justice, corruption to purge, His worship became both a nuisance and scourge. When a poor needy neighbour, who kept a milch ass, [grass, Which he often turn'd into the church yard for Hob, "How the dickens came such a strange freak in your knob? I woanly but zaid, if my ass met your sheers, And you cut off his tail, that I'd cut off his ears; Vor as you hate long tails, as the mark of a fop, I'd ha' don't cause I knaugh you don't like a crop." At this subtle rejoinder, his worship struck dumb, Found his proud overbearing was quite over EPITAPH. Here old John Randall lies, who, telling of his [Ale; tale, Lived threescore years and ten, such virtue was in Ale was his meat, Ale was his drink, Ale did his heart revive, EAN MEDICINALE. This dangerous medicine for the gout was one day vaunted by a lady, who advised a gouty man to take it, adding, "I know many who praise it to the skies.""No doubt, inadam," said he, [been alive." for it has sent many to the skies to praise it." And if he could have drunk his Ale, he still had NAPOLEON AND FOUCHE. EIGHTEEN REASONS FOR ABSENCE. The Prince of Condé passing through Beaune, the public authorities went to meet him at the Napoleon sent for Fouche, and in a great rage gates of the town; after many high-flown compli told him he was a fool, and not fit to be at the headments, the mayor added "To display our joy wo of the police; that he was quite ignorant of what wished to receive you with the reports of a nume was passing. Pardon me, sire, said Fouche, in-rous artillery, bat we have not been able to fir terrupting him, I know that your majesty has my the cannons for eighteen reasons; in the first place "My good friend,' dismissal ready signed in your pocket. This was we have none, secondly"the case; it need not be added, that Napoleon iu- said the Prince," the first reason is so good I wil stantly changed his mind, and kept his minister. BUFFON'S SON. The son of Buffon was a very dolt. Rivarol said of him, he is the worst chapter of his father's Natural History. RIVAROL. excuse the other seventeen," LOUIS XIV. The same city of Beaune received Louis XIV and offered him a taste of their wine, which bi majesty praised: "Oh! sire," said the mayor," i is not to be compared with what we have in ou A person, in repeating one of Rivarol's witti-Cellars."" Which you keep, no doubt, for better occasion," replied the king. cisms, destroyed the point. How could it be otherwise, said Rivarol; if a fool understood wit he would be no longer a fool. PETTY LARCENY. MIRABEAU. Mirabeau, said Rivarol, is capable of any thin for money, even a good action. TEDIOUS CONFESSION The populace of Paris resolved to burn th Abbé Maury in effigy. Accordingly, a figure wa made of wood and straw, clothed in a clerica dress. Just as they were about to set fire to it, priest passed, and the populace thought it woul be good fun to make him confess the Abbe Maur Finding there were no means of escaping, th priest expressed his willingness to do it. B recollect, my friends," said he, "the Abbé wi have such a long confession to make to me, tha you will not be able to burn him to night." Th was an all-powerful reason, and determined the on letting the priest go, and burning the Abb without confession. THE ONLY SON. PIRON AND THE THISTLE. Piron, the satiric poet, having quarrelled with During the French Revolution, every one was the good people of Beaune, set about cutting called brother. A jacobin, entering a coffeedown all the thistles in the neighbourhood. On room, and seeing a man reading the paper, said, being asked the reason, he said, "I am at war" brother, when you have done with that, I'll with the Beaunese, and am cutting off their pro visions." thank you for it," No reply.-He repeated, man, NOT AT HOME. An Irish servant being asked if his master was within, replied, "No."-"When will he return ?""Oh, when master gives orders to say he is not at home we never know when he will come in,” A PURE WINE-BIBBER. Don Sancho, second son of Alphonso, King of Castile, being at Rome, was proclaimed King of Egypt by the Pope. The air was instantly rent with applause, and Sancho, not knowing the language, asked what it meant of his interpreter. "Sire," said he, "the Pope has created you A Swiss was drinking with two French soldiers King of Egypt."" Has he so?" replied Don in the garden of a public-house. It came on rain, Sancho, " well, I do not like to be ungrateful, but they paid no attention to it, except that when rise and proclaim the holy father Caliph of the Swiss's glass was filling, he held his hat over Bagdad." it, to prevent any water falling in. SAGACITY OF A MAD DOG. A member of the French jacobin club said to bis colleagues, “I have been very lucky this morning; a mad dog passed between my legs without biting me."-"That is not surprising, replied a member, "it was because he knew who you were." THE ABBE MAURY. MADAME DE MONTESPAN. Madame de Montespan succeeded Madame de la Valliere, as mistress to Louis XIV. She called one day on a lady who was not at home, and she begged the Swiss porter to mind and say she had called, adding, "You know me, don't you?""Oh, yes, madame, you are the lady who bought Madame de la Valliere's place at Court." WHICH IS THE LADY? The mob once got hold of the Abbé Maury and resolved on putting him to death. "To the lan- At a church not an hundred miles from London, tern with bim," was the universal cry. The a real Corinthian dandy went to church to be Abbé, with much sang froid, said to those who were dragging him along, "Well, if you do hang me at the lantern will you see ang the clearer for it? This created a general laugh, and saved the Abbé. married. The clergyman, who was of the school of Dr. Parr, looked at the thing from head to foot, and then coolly turned round to the gentleman who acted as father, and said, "Pray, Sir, which is the lady?" |