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THE MONUMENT

Home went the painter, overjoy'd,

CHOICE COMPANY. To find himself again employ'd,

An Indian of the Abipones (an equestrian pen Got his materials and tools,

ple of South America) was about to be baptised, And laid the board all over gules,

“ You will certainly go to heaven after this cereBut how to place the figures there

mony, when you die," said the Jesuit, who was Required more skill than fell to's share!

to christen him; the Indian was content, Just as He beat his head, and rubb’d his brow,

the water was on the point of being thrown, bow But rubb'd in vain, as I do now.

ever, a doubt arose in the mind of the savage. Tir'd of the task, he soon gave o'er,

By this water I shall go to heaven ?" said be. Said that should do-he said, nay swore. “ As sure as there are mosquitos in America," anNext day returning to'bis host,

swered the father. “But my friends, who will not He of his piece began to boast :

be baptised, they must go to hell ?"_" Assuredly " I'm sure it must be to your liking,

they shall not miss, a man of them."-" Then, ex It is so very bold and striking."

cuse me; I ain sorry to have given you this trou “ Well. say no more,-let's see.--dispatch, - ble, but I shall choose to yo too." Zounds :-what is this !- a merc red splatch!”. “ Red splatch d’ye call't?-'is the Red Sea." " The devil it is well, that may be ;

The celebrated Duke of Buckingham is said t Then where are Pharaoh and bis host ?”_ have written on the Monument the followin " Drown'd in the sea, you know they're lost.” lines :" True-the Egyptians went to the bottom,

Here stand I, But t e Israelites, where have you got 'em

The Lord knows why's And Mosez too, who was their guide ?"

But if I fall, “Oh! they're all safe on t'other side.”

Have at ye all.
The host, who hitherto had stickled,

VILLAGE WORTHIES.
Finding at last bis fancy tickled,
His visage now began t' uncloud,

The tailor, a pale-faced fellow, plays the clarione And now he laugh'd both long and loud.

in the church choir, and, being a great musical ge When he recover'd from his fit,

nius, has frequent meetings of the band at his house Quoth he, “ Friend Brush, I love thy wit,

where they " make night hideous" by their cor And like thy joke, yet much I doubt

certs. He is, in consequence, high in favour wit Some dunces may not find it out;

Master Simon; and, through his influence, bz Therefore " pro bono publico,"

The making, or rather marring, of all the liverit In order that all men may know,

of the hill, which generally look as though the In letters fair write under, (hids be)

had been cut out by one of those scientific taila ** This is Pharaoh in the Red Sea."

of the flying Island of Laputa, who took measur

of their customers with a quadrant. The tailo! CURRAN'S SOUL OF WIT.

in fact, might rise to be one of the monied men i

the village, was he not rather too prone to gossip Curran's ruling passion was his joke. In his and keep holidays, and give concerts, and blow ai last illness, his physician observing in the morning his substance, real and personal, through his claric that he seemed 10 cough with more difficulty, he net, which literally keeps him poor both in bo answered, " That is rather surprising, as I have and estate. He has, for the present, thrown by al been practising all night."

his regular work, and suffered the breeches of tb

ANECDOTE OF BURNS.

village to go unmade and unmended, while he is occupied in making garlands of party-coloured Than Burns perhaps no man more severely in. rass, in imitatiou of flowers, for the decoration of dicted the castigation of reproof. The following te lay-pole.

anecdote will illustrate this fact. The conversaAnorber of Master Simon's counsellors is the tion one night at the King's Arins Inn, Dumfries, bethecary, a short, ard rather fat man, with a turning on the death of a townsman, whose funeral pair of prominent eyes, that diverge like those of was to take place on the following day, “ By the a totsier. He is the village wise man; very sen- bye,” said one of the company, addressing himself iftings, and full of profound remarks on shallow to Burns,“ I wish you would lend me your black tabjeris. Master Simon ofte: quotes his sayings, coat for the occasion, my own being rather out of at mentions him as rather an extraordinary man, repais.”—“ flaving myself to attend the same fuad eren consults himn occasionally in desperate neral," answered Burns, “ I am sorry that I canmes of the dogs and borses. Indeed, he seems to not lend you my sables, but I can recommend a tave been overwhelmed by the apothecary's phi. most excellent substitute; throw your character over lazaphy, which is exactly one observation deep, your shoulders-hat will be the blackest coat you Coszlog of indisputable maxińs, such as may be ever wore in your life-time !" mausted froin the mottos of tobacco-boxes. I had

PUNNING EPITAPH, a speciara of his philosophy in my very first con The following epitaph, engraven on a tombstone fpretio with him; in the course of which he ob- in the lloutf, a large burying-ground in the town HTTP, with great solemnity and emphasis, that of Dundee, affords a striking example of the taste * san is a very compound of wisdom and folly ;" for playing on words, which prevailed towards aa wbuch Master Simon, who had hold of my arm, the end of the sixteenth, and the beginning of the pressed very hard on it, and whispered in my ear, following century. *laar's a devilish shrewd remark !"

On Mr. Aler. Speid.
THE FOUR AGES OF WOMEN,

Time flies with speed, with speed Speid's filed, Phyllis, more covetons than tender,

To the dark regions of the dead;

With speed con lmption's sorrows few, face she could not delay the bliss, The day exacter of Lysander

And stopi Speid's speell for Speid it slew.

Miss Sprid bebeld, with frantic woe, Thirty sheep to grant a kiss.

Poor Speid with speed turn pale as snow, The weat day : what a change in trading !

And beat her breast, and tore her hair, The merchandize became more cheap

For Speid, poor Sp.id, was all her care, The sain demanded of the maiden

Let's learn of Speid with speed to fly, Taimiy kisses for a sheep.

From sin, since we like Speid must die.

HORACE WALPOLE AND HIS TIMES.
Pullis more amorous naw becoming,
AM f-aring to displease her swain,

The eccentric Horace Walpole says, that in his

times the modes of christianity were exhausted, and Pas bet too happy to return him

could not furnish novelty enough to fix attention. All kis sbeep, one kiss to gain.

Zinzendorffe plied his Moravians with nudities, Pallis, gest day, all prud'ry over,

yet made few enthusiasts. Whitfield and the ideWith sheep and dog would fain have bought ihodists made more money than disturbances : his One tender kise her fickle lover

largest crop of proselytes lay among servant-maids ; On young Lisette bestow'd for nought

and bis warnest devotees went to Bedlam without

going to war. Bower, whom some thought they MATRIMONIAL FELICITY, AND CONJUGAL had detected as a jesuit, and who at most was but

AFFECTION. detected as an impostor, had laid open the prac. tices of the catholics, and detailed the establish- A messenger, in breathless haste, mems of the jesuits in the very heart of London, In Cornaro's chamber prest,

With hair erectent on his head, without occasioning either alarm or murmur

And rush'd up to the sleeper's bed; against those father. Yet, uninflammable as the

The sleeper lay in sweet repose, times were, they carried a great mixture of super. stitiou. Masquerades had been abolished because

The wasted strength of life restoring, there had been an earıhquake at Lishon; and Lulled by the music of his nose,

Which mortals vulgarly call snoring. when the last jubilee masquerade was exhibited at Ranelagh, the ole-houses and roads to Chelsea The stranger shook him pretty roughly, "pere crowded witb-drunken people, who assem

And tweaked his nose, and pulled his bair: oled to denounce the judgemeots of God on per.

At last Cornaro, rather grufly, sons of fashion, whose greatest sin was dressing

Asked what the devil brought him there? themselves ridiculously. A more inconvenient The messenger, in great distress, reiormation, and not a more sensible one, was set

At length in brohen accents said, on foot by societies of tradesmen, who denounced " O! sir! they've sent me here express to the magistrates all bakers that baked or sold

To tell you that your wife is dead!"

Indeed !" the widowed man replied, bread on Sundays. Alum, and the variety of spurious ingredients with which bread, and indeed all Turning upou his other side,

And pulling o'er bis eyes his cap, wares were adulterated all the week round, gave not half so much offence as the vent of the chief in hopes of finishing his napnecessary of life on the seventh day. Some of the

To-morrow, when I wake, you'll see elders too of our own church, seeing what harvests How long and loud my grief shall be!" were brought into the tabernacles of Whitfield

CHISWICK. and Wesley, by familiarising God's word to the Dr. Blunderton, the rector of Chiswick, at th vulgar, and by elevating vulgar language, had the time the Earl of Burlington built bis Italian vill discretion to apply the same call to their own lost there, had been made io believe that the hous sheep, and tinkled back their old women by was entirely formed of cheese. The dartor had re sounding the brass of the methodists. One Ash- lated this report so often, that he, by degrees, ha ton, a quaint and fashionable preacher of the orthodox, talked to the people in a phrase com-lained a foundation, which was this. The earth

persuaded himself of its truth. The tale thus ob pounded of cant and politics ; he reproved them comehow or other, discovered that the etymon for not coming so church, where“. God keeps a Chiswick was Cheese-rick; and, therefore, to pri day but sees little company;" and informed them suade the world that he was an antiquary, he cor that our ancestors loved powder and ball, and suited with the best architects in Haly upon stylu su did our generals; but the latter loved them for but had not sati.fied himself about the articles their bair and hands."

materials. Brick was vulgar, and any bo', ROYAL LEARNING,

might have a brick-house. Freestone was exces The present King of Persia made many inqui- sively dear. Al length, upon consulting an 11 ries of Sir Harford Jones respecting America, Jian abbate, who had an nocie in the province o saying, “ What sort of a place is it? How do you Lodi, where the Parmesan cheese is made, to get at it? Is it under ground, or how ?

Italian had the address, for the benefit of his uncle

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Who was the greatest factor in the province, togliminering light enter my chamber."-" Or a pesuade the earl locase his house with the parings blue colour, was it not?”_"Of a pale blue !—The & Parmesan cheese. The oddity of the idea light was followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, sirock the carl, and some thousands of the oldest who appeared as an old man of seventy years of and largest Parmesan cheeses were selected for age, arrayed in a long light-coloured rug gown, the purpose, and shipped from Venice for Eng- bound round with a leathero girdle; his beard land. The house was cased with this curious en- thick and grisly, his hair scant and straight, his velope with a cement brought from Italy, and the face of a dark sable hue, on his head a large fur cari's cheesemonger's bill amounted to an enor. cap, and in his hand a long staff. Terror seized Dsus surn, which exceeded the hills of all the my whole frame-l trembled till the bed almost olier artificers put together. A fine summer saw shook, and cold drops hung on every limb; the Lehouse completel; but, froin the damps, dews, figure, with a slow and solemn step, stalked nearer 2 drains, of the winter, the cheese façades became and nearer.”—“ Did you not speak to it? There Bf, and, by their odour, attracted all the rats in / was money hid, and murder committed, without the parish, which, added to the cornpany they doubt."-"My lord, I did speak to it. i adjured branghi with them froin the Thames, so much un-il, by all that was holy, to tell me whence and why drained and damaged the casin; of the house, it thus appeared ?"

“ And in Heaven's name, that the abbare was anathematized, and the crusta- what was the reply?"-" It was accoinpanied, Lion of the building was changed to what it now is. my lord, by three strokes of his staff upon the LO1E AND PRIDE,

Boor, so loud that they made the rooin ring again;

when, holding up his lantern, and then waving is See how shall I do with my love and my pride ? close to my eyes, he told me he was the watchDear Dick, give me counsel, if friendship has man! and came to give me notice that my streetany:

[ply d, door was wide open, and unless I aruse and shut "Prithee purge, or let hiood," surly Richard reo it, I might chance to be robbed before morning." * And forget the coqueite in the arms of your

THE PAINTER OF FLORENCE.
Nanay."
A GHOST STORY.

There once was a Painter in Catholic days,

Like Job who eschewed all evil; A certain bishop and a justice of peace had sul on his Madonu:is the curious may gaze, Squant altercations on the subject of ghosts. With applause and amazement, but chietly his lie bishop was a zealous detender of their reality

praise the justice somewhal sceplical. The bishop one

And delight was in painting the Devil. dy met his friend, and five justice told him, tha! suce their last conference on the subject, he had They were angels compared to the devils he drew,

Wno besieged poor St. Anthony's cell, Ad ornlar demonstration which convinced him of berxistence of ghosts. “ I rejoice at your coll. You could even smell brimstone, their breath was

Such burning hot eyes, such a d-mnuble bue, Perian," replied the bishop; give me the cir.

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so blue, finstance that produced it, with all the particu

Ile painted his devils so well. as; ocular demonstration you say.” lord, as I lay last nighi in my bed, -about the And now had the artist a picture begun, twelfth hour I was anaked by an uncommon 'Twas over the Virgin's church-door; **€, and heard somrthing coming up stairs." She stood on the dragon, embracing her son, "Go on."-" Alarmed at the noise, I drew iny many devils already the artist had done, tittain !"_" Proceed!"-" And saw a faint But this most out-co ali before.

"--"Yes, iny

Tbe old dragon's imps, as they fled through the air," Fool! idiot!" old Beelzebub, grinn'd as be At seeing it, paus’d on the wing,

spoke, For he had a likeness so just to a hair, [there, And stamp'd on the scaffold in ire; That they came, as Apollyon himself had been The Painter grew pale, for he knew it no joke, To pay their respects to their king

'Twas a terrible height, and the scaffolding

broke ; Every child on beholding ii shiver'd with dread, And scream'd, as he turned away quick;

And the Devil could wish it no higher, Not an old womau saw it, but raising her head, “ Help! help me, O Mary,” be cried in alara Dropp'd a bead, made a cross on her wrinkles, As the scaffold sunk under his feet. and said,

From the canvass the Virgin extended her arm, “ God help me from ugly old Nick!”

She caught the good Painter, she saved him from

harm, What the Painter so earnestly thought on by day,

There were thousands who saw in the street. He sometimes would dream of by night; But once he was startled, as sleeping he lay,

The old dragon fled when the wonder he spied, 'Twas no fancy, no dream, he could plainly survey

And curs'd his own fruitless endeavour; That the Devil himself was in sight.

While the Painter call'd after, his rage lo deride

Shook his pallet and brush, in triumph, and cried, “ You rascally dauber,” old Beelzebub cries,

“Now I'll paint thee more ugly than ever!" “ Take heed how you wrong we again! Though your caricatures for myself I despise,

TANDEM DRIVING. Make me handsomer now in the multitnde's eyes, At length Bill Puncheon sees his sire laid low; Or see if I threaten in vain!"

At length Bill Puncheon means to be “the go;

At length he soars to manage whip and reins; Now the Painter was bold and religious beside,

At length he's “ all the kick," from Bow to Staines And on faith he had certaio reliance, So earnestly he all his countenance eyed,

At length he drives upon Newmarket sod; And thank'd him for sitting with Catholic pride,

At length he drives, until he drives to-quod. And sturdily bade him defiance.

ETYMOLOGICAL PUNXING.

Swift, in liis Art of Punning, gives the etymi Betimes in the morning the Painter arose,

logical rule, wben a man bunts a puo throug He is ready as soon as 'tis light;

every letter and syllable of a word; as, for es Every look, every line, every feature he knows, ample, I am asked, What is the best word ! 'Twas fresh to his eye, to his labour he goes, spend an evening with ?" I answer, 6 Potales And he has the old wicked one quite.

for there is, pompot-poia-potat-potatoe , as Happy man, he is sure the resemblance can't fail, the reverse, sot a top.

The tip of the nose is red hot, [scales, Achilles, continues he, being a hero of a restle There's his grin and his fangs, his skin cover'd with unquiet nature, never gave himself any repos And that the identical curl of his tail,

either in peace or in war; and, therefore, Not a mark, not a claw is forgot.

Earl of Warwick was called a kill-cow, and de He looks, and retouches again with delight;

other terrible man a kill-devil, so this general H. 'Tis a portrait complete to his mind!

called a kill-case, or destroyer of ease, and He touches again, and again feeds his sight, length, by corruption, Achilles. He looks around for applause, and he sees with Andromache, the wife of Hector, he trace there

The original standing bebind. (affright, (Her father was a Scotch gentleman, of a bub

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