Abbildungen der Seite
PDF
EPUB

upon them; and after a while, having a mind to know M. de Rouilleres, the commandant of the warewhat the punishment was, he asked his coinpanion chausste at St. Deanis. to open them and put him in, which being done, his

The Will. friend took a book from his pocket, sauntered on, and so completely forgot the judge and his situation, that

A man who knows be is to die, should take care to he returned to Lord Dacre's. When the judge was do every thing which bis survivors can wish him to tired, he tried, but tried in vain, to remove out of the have done. We are more particularly in ikat situastocks': and asked a countryman who passed by to tion. Our intention is to prevent uneasiness to our release him, who said, “ No, no, old gentleman; you host, as well as to lighten the labours of those whom was not set ibere for nothing;” and left him, until he curiosity, under pretence of form and order, will bring was seen, and released by some servant of the house hither to pay us visits. despatched in quest of him. Some time after he Humain is the bigger, and I, Bordeaux, am the presided at a trial in which a charge was brought lesser of the two. against a magistrate for false imprisonment, and for

He is drum-majör of mestre de camp des dragoons, setting in the stocks. The counsel for the magistrate, and I am simply a dragoon of Belzunce. in his reply, made light of the whole charge, and more

Death is a passage. I address to the gentleman of especially setting in the stocks, which he said every the law of St. Dennis (who, with his first clerk as body knew was no punishment at all. The chief jus- assistant, must come hither for the sake of justice) tice rose, and leaning over the bench, said, in a half the principle, which joined to this reflection that every whisper, “ Brother, were you ever in the stocks ?" thing must have an end, put these pistols into our Really, my lord, never. " Then I have," said the hands, The future presents nothing to us but what judge, " and I assure you, brother, it is no such trifle is agreeable-Yet that future is short, and must end. as you represent."

Humain is but 24 years of age ; as for me, I have not yet completed four lustres. No particular reason forces us to interrupt our career, except the disgust

we feel at existing for a moment under the continual On the day before Christmas-day, 1773, about apprehension of ceasing to exist. An eternity is the eleven o'clock, two soldiers came to the Cross-Bow point of reunion ; a longing after which leads us to luo at St. Dennis, and ordered dinner. Bordeaux, prevent the despotic act of fate. In fine, disgust of one of the soldiers, went out and bought a little paper life is our sole inducement to quit it. of powder, and a couple of bullets, observing to the If all those who are wretched would dare to divest person who sold them to him, that St. Dennis seemed themselves of prejudice, and to look their destruction to be so pleasant a place, he should not dislike to in the face, they would see it is as easy to lay oside spend the remaioder of his life there. Returning to existence as to throw off an old coat, ihe colour of the inn, he and his companion passed the day together which displeases. The proof of this may be referred very merrily. On Christmas-day they again dined to our experience. as merrily, ordered wine, and about five o'clock in We have enjoyed every gratification in life, even the afternoon, were found by the fire, on breaking that of obliging our fellow-creatures. We could still open the door, sitting on the opposite sides of a table, i procure to ourselves gratifications : but all gratificawhereen were three empty champaign bottles, the tions must have a period. That period is our poison, following will and letter, and a half-crown. They We are disgusted at the perpetual sameness of the were both shot ilirough the head ; two pistols lay scene. The curtain is dropped ; and wc leave our upon the foor, The noise of the pistols brought up parts to those who are weak enough to feel an incliLe people of the bousc, who ininediately sent for nation to play them a few hours longer,

IXTRAORDINARY SUICIDE.

[ocr errors]

Two or three grains of powder will soon break the flesh, which we vain mortals call the King of beingssprings of this moving mass of fresh, which our " I owe no one an excuse. I deserted, that was a haughty fellow-creatures stile the King of beings. crime, but I am going to punish it; and the law will

Messrs. the officers of justice, our carcasses are at be satisfied. your discretion. We despise them too much to give “I asked leave of absence from my superiors, to ourselves any trouble about what becomes of them. have the pleasure of dying at my ease. They never As to what we shall leave behind us—for myself, condescended to give me an answer.

This served to Bordeaux, I give to M. de Rouilleres, commandant hasten my end of the maréchaussée at St. Dennis, my steel-mounted “I wrote to Bord to send you some detached sword. He will recollect, that, last year, about this pieces I left at Guise, which I beg you to accept. very day, as he was conducting a recruit, he had the You will find they contain some well-chosen literacivility to grant me a favour for a person of the name ture. These pieces will solicit for me a place in of St. Germain, who had offended him.

your remembrance, The maid of the inn will take my pocket and neck · Adieu, my dear lieutenant ! continue your esteem handerchiefs, as well as the silk stockings which I for St. Lambert and Dorat. As for the rest, skip now have on, and all my other linen whatever. from flower to flower, and acquire the sweets of all /

The rest of our effects will be sufficient to pay the knowledge, and enjoy every pleasure. expense of the useless law proceedings of which we Pour moi, j'arrive au trou shall be the subject.

Qui n'échappe ni sage ni fou, The half-crown upon the table will pay for the last Pour aller je ne sçais où.' bottle of wine which we are going to drink.

“If we exist after this life, and it is forbidden to At St. Dennis,

BORDEAUX. Christmas-day, 1773.

HUMAIN.

quit it without permission, I will endeavour to procure

one moment to inform you of it; if not, I should Letter from Bordeaux to his lieutenant in the advise all those who are unhappy, which is by far regiment of Belzunce, he did not see the French he the greatest part of mankind, to follow my example. could not therefore answer for the translation.

“When you receive this letter, I shall have been

dead at least 24 hours. “Sir,

" With esteem, &c. During my residence at Guise, you honoured me

“BORDEAUX." with your friendship. It is time that I thank you. You have often told me I appeared displeased with my situation. It was sincere, but not absolutely true. An Irishman fights before he reasons, a Scotchman I nave since examined myself more seriously, and reasons before he fights, an Englishman is not paracknowledge myself entirely disgusted with every ticular as to the order of precedence, but will do state of man, the whole world, and myself. From either to accommodate his customers. A modern these discoveries a consequence should be drawn; general has said, that the best troops would be as if disgusted with the whole, renounce the whole. follows: an Irishman half drunk, a Scotchiman hall The calculation is not long. I have made it without starved, and an Englishman with his belly full. the aid of geometry. In short, I am on the point of putting an end to the existence that I have possessed for near twenty years, fifteen of wlihi las en a The most disagreeable two-legged animal in the burdeo to me; and, from the moinent that I write a world, is a little great man; and the next, a little few grains of porder will destroy this moving inass oil great man's factotum and friend.

NATIONAL VALOUR.

BIPEDS.

LLT WELL ALONE.

1. The BLACK LETTER SISTERHOOD. An Irishman being on a long journey in a part

Q. Why do you give the office to women ? of the country where Mr. M'Adam's useful talents

A. Because they have a fluent' tongue, and a had never been exercised, at length came to a mile knack of scolding. of excellent road. Over this he kept trotting his Q. How are they dressed ? horse backwards and forwards, till some spectators,

A. In gowns and false hair. a little surprised at this singular mode of travelling,

Q. What are the principal orders ? inquired the reason of it. “ Indeed,” said he,

A. Three-Writers, Talkers, and Hearers, which "and I like to let well alone, and from what I have last are also called Deciders. seen of the road, I doubt whether I will find a bet Q. What is their general business ? ter bit of ground all the way.”

A. To discuss the mutual quarrels of the hogs,

and to punish their affronts to any or all of the MY LAUNDRESS.

drivers. When lovely Susan irons smocks,

Q. If two hogs quarrel, how do they apply to No damsel e'er looks neater,

the sisterhood. Her eyes are brighter than her box,

A. Each hog goes separately to a Writer.
And burn me like a heater,

Q. What does the Writer ?

A. She goes to a Talker. PORSOY'S CATECHISM FOR THE USE OF THE NATIVES Q. What does the Talkri. OF HAMPSHIRE.

A. She goes to a Hearer (or Decider.) Q. What is your name?

Q. What does the Hearer decide ? A. Hog or Swine.

A. What she pleases. Q. Did God make you a hog?

Q. If a hog is decided to be in the right, what A. No. God made me man in his own image; is the consequence ? the Right Hon. SUBLIME BEAUTIFUL made me a A. He is almost ruined. Swine.*

Q. If in the wrong what ? Q. How did he make you a swine ?

1. He is quite ruined. 4. By muttering obscure and uncouth spells. After some facetious sneers at the clergy, who are He is a dealer in the black art.

termed peace-makers, the dialogue proceeds. Q. Who feeds you ?

Q. How are these peace-makers rewarded ? A. Our drirers, the only real men in this county.

A. With our potatocs. Q. How many hogs are you in all ?

Q. What with all ? A. Seven or eight millions.

A. Ten per cent. only. Q. How many drivers ?

Q. Then you have still ninety left in the hundred? A. Two or three hundred thousand.

A. No we have but forty left. Q. With what do they feed you ?

B. What becomes of the odd fifty ? A. Generally with husks, swill, draff, malt,

A. The drivers take them, partly as a small regrains, and now and then with a little barley-meal compense for their trouble in protecting us, and and a few potatoes, and wben they have too much partly to make money of them, for the prosecution butter-milk themselves they give us some.

of law-suits with the neighbouring farmers. Q. What are the Interpreterst called ?

Q. You talk very sensibly for a bog; whence

had you your inforination ? • Ailndine to the "Swinish multitude," an epithet applied A. From a learned Pig. by Mr. Burke to the common people of England. • Jecses.

The following is an answer to the question by

what ceremony the hog is disenchanted, and re Of native blush and rosy dyes sumes his natural shape ?

Time has her cheek berest, A. The hoy that is going to be disenchanted, Which makes the prudent nymph supply grovels before the Chief Driver, who holds an iron With paint th' injurious theit. skewer over him, and gives him a smart blow on Iler sparkling eves she still retains, the shoulder, to remind bim at once of his former And teeth, in good repair, subjection and future submission. Immediately he And her well-furnish'd front disdains starts up, like the Devil from Ithuriel's spear, in To grace with borrow'd hair. his proper shape, and ever after yoes about with a Of size she is nor short nor tall, nick-name. He then beats his hogs without mercy, And does to fat incline and when they implore his compassion, and beg No more than what the French would call him to recollect that he was once their Fellow Aimable enbunpoint. Swine, he denies that ever he was a bog.

Farther her person to disclose This curious dialogue thus concludes —

I leave-let it suffice Q. What is the general wish of the hogs at pre She has few faults but what she knows, Sent?

And can with skill disguise.
A. To save their bacon.

She many lovers bas refus'd,
Chorus of bogs. Amen.

With many more comply'd,

Which like her clothes, when little us'd, EQUAL DIFFICULTIES.

She always lays aside. A gentleman of considerable sense and know She's one who looks with great contempt ledge of the world, being asked whether a man pos On each affected creature, sessing genius without perseverance and stability, Whose nicely would seem exempt or one of a dull but assiduous character, was the From appetites of nature. more likely to prove successfui in life, replied that

She thinks they want or health or sense it was a difficult question to decide, since it was Who want an inclination, impossible to throw a straw to a great distance, and

And therefore never takes offence almost equally the case with a ton.

At him who pleads his passion.

Whom she refuses she treats still
DILATORY INCLINATIONS.

With so much sweet behaviour, Mr. Peel, Secretary for the Home Department, That ber refusal, thro' her skill, when speaking in the House of Commons of the

Looks almost like a favour. Lord Chancellor, (Eldon,) said, that to apply the Since she this sofiness can express, words of the poet to that noble Lord “even bis

To those whom she rejects, failings leaned to virtue's side." A gentleman pre She must be very ford, you'll guess, sent remarked that in that case his lordship's fail.

Of such whom she affects. ings resembled the leaning tower of Pisa, which, in But here our Doris far outgoes spite of its long inclination, had never yet gene All that her sex have dune ; over!

She no regard for cusiom knows,

Which reason bids her shun.
Doris, a nymph of riper age,

By reason ber own reason's meant,
Has ev'ry grace and art,

Or, if you please, ber will;
A wise observer to engage,

For when this last is discontent,
Or wound a beedless heart.

The first is serv'd but ill.

DORIS.

ACROSTIC.

Peculiar, therefore, is her way;

tinued, “I sbonlu prefer this kind of sponsorship, Whethier by nature taught

in a conscientious point of view, to any other. I shall not undertake to say,

I think I might safely engage for a bell's renouncing Or by experience bought.

the devil, the world, and the flesh.” “I presume, But who o'er night obtain'd her grace,

sir,” replied one of his auditors," from your exShe can next day disown;

pression of confidence on the subject, that you And stare upon the strange man's face

spell bell without the final e."
As one she ne'er had known.
So well she can the truth disguise,
Such artful wonder fraine,

Pray tell me, says Venus, one day to the Graces, The lover or distrusts his eyes,

(Oo a visit they came, and had just ta'en their

places,) Or thinks 'twas all a dream.

Let me know why of late I can ne'er see your faces. Some censure this as lewd and low,

Ladies, nothing I hope happen'd here to affright ye Who are to bounty blind;

You've had compliment cards ev'ry day to invite ye. For to forget wbat we bestow

Says Cupid, who guess'd their rebellious proceeding, Bespeaks a noble mind.

Understand, dear Mamma! there's some mischief Doris our thanks por asks nor needs,

a-breeding ; For all her favours done;

There's a fair one at Lincoln, so finish'd a beauty, From her love fows, as light proceeds,

That your Loves and your Graces all swerve from Spontaneous from the sun.

their duty. On one or other still her fires

On my life, says Dame Venus, I'll not be thus put Display their genial force ; And she, like Sol, alone retires,

Now I think on't, last night some one call’d me Miss To shine elsewhere of course.

Sutton.
ON A CANAL CUT BY THE SIDE OF A

CHARACTERS OF THE DRAMA.
SOUTHAMPTON.

In a party of theatrical critics, the merits of Southampton's wise sons found their river so large, different performers in the part of Giles, in the Though 'twould carry a ship, 'twould not carry a melo-drarna of the Miller's Maill, formed the topic barge;

of discussion, and it was observed that, with one So they wisely determin’d to cut by its side, exception, all who had attempted it lad “overA stinking canal where small vessels might glide. stepped the modesty of nature.' One of the comLike the man who contriving a hole in his wall pany observed that this had probably arisen from a To admit his two cats, the one large, t'other small, confusion of names ; and that the actors alluded When a great hole was made for the first to go to, in attempting Giles, had strayed into Giles Overthrough

reach.* Would a little one have for the little cat too.

PRAISE. IMPORTANT DISTINCTION IN ORTHOGRAPHY. Praise was originally a pension paid by the A gentleman, who had not long returned from world; but the moderns, finding the trouble and France, was amusing a company with the details charge too great in collecting it, bare lately bought of the superstitious ceremony he had witnessed in ont the fee-simple ; since which time the right of that country of baptising a peal of cathedral bells, presentation is wholly in ourselves. at which some members of the royal family had

* In Massinger's Comedy of "A New Way to pay Old assisted as sponsors.

“ For my part," he con- Deh!s."

on ;

CONGREVE.

RIVER AT

« ZurückWeiter »