PROCLAMATION FOR HOLDING A FAIR AMONG O yes! and that's e'e time; O yes! and that's twa times; O yes! and that's third and last time. All manner of person or persons whosoever, let 'em draw near, and I shall let 'em ken that there is a fair to be held at the muckle town of Langholm, for the space of aught days, wherein gin, any hustrin, custrin, land-lopper, dubs-kouper, or gang-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durdam, rabblement, babblement, or squabblement, he shall have his lugs tacked to the muckle throne, with a nail of twa-a-penny until he down on his hobshanks, and up with his muckle donp, and pray to ha'en nine times God bless the king, and thrice the muckle laird of Relton, paying a groat to me Jemmy Ferguson, bailey of the aforesaid manor. So you've heard my proclamation, and I'll gang hame to my dinner. NUDA PAPILLA. In Paradise, ere baneful sin began, DRESSING AND SHAVING. The company of Stationers, in the reign e Charles I., took it into their heads to command people to commit adultery; for in the Bible they friar's, now the Times' Office, instead of the usual then printed, at the King's Printing-oflice, Blackrun of the seventh commandment, a great number of copies were issued with this reading, "Tho shalt commit adultery." Archbishop Laud, however, had them up to the Star Chamber, and fined them severely for the oversight, Whether the reading world availed themselves of the license given in the early copies, history doth not tell he fears many young profligates of both sexes and The Spectator, however, archly remarks, possessed of this spurious edition, and observe the commaudment very strictly." that Two sailors went into a cook's shop, and called for dinner. The landlady set before them a piece of boiled pork, which had not been properly singed, many long hairs adhering to it. 66 Jack," said one to his companion, "I cannot stomach DRYDEN'S IRRITABILITY. this pork; why, the hairs are half as thick and as Dryden, in his play of the "Conquest of Gre long as a cable."-" You may eat away, gentle-nada," makes Almanzor say to Boabdelin, King men," said the landlady; "I can assure you it is of Grenadagood meat, for I dressed it myself." Did you" so? mistress," said the other sailor; "I wish you had also shaved it yourself." Obey'd as sovereign by thy subjects be; ENGLISH SANG FROID. the critics, which Dryden's temper could not easily bear; and it was retorted upon him by Coloel Heylyn, the nephew of Dr. Heylyn, the cos-lord-mareschal, to present him to the king, FreAn Englishman applied, when at Berlin, to the agrapher. Not long after the publication of his deric the Great. His lordship told him, that it was book, the doctor had the little misfortune to lose not such an easy matter, and that many great noway upon a large common, which created an blemen had been refused. "Faith!" said the his innocent laugh against him, as a minute geogra- Englishman," it is not that I care much about it; pher. Dryden, falling into the colonel's company but, as I have already seen five kings, I should be at a coffee-house, rallied him upon the circum-glad to make up the half-dozen." stance which had happened to his uncle, and asked where it was that he lost himself? "Sir," said the colonel, "I cannot answer you exactly; but I recollect that it was somewhere in the kingdom of ME!" Dryden took his hat, and walked off. MATRIMONIAL WHIMS. I will not have a man that's tall, A man that's little is worse than all; A man that's rich I'm sure won't have me, A rogue, they say, is at the bar; A gambler soon my heart would break; LUTHER'S POLEMICS. WIGS. Soon after the death of Counsellor Pitcairne, Counsellor Seare bought his tye-wig; and when Seare appeared in it at the Chancery-bar, the Lord-Chancellor (Hardwick) addressing Mr.. Seare, (or rather the wig) said, "Mr. Pitcairne, have you any thing to move?" The sight of a wig has also an evangelical effect. A man returned from attending one of Whitfield's sermons, and said," it was good for him to be there: the place, indeed, was so crowded, that he had not been able to get near enough to hear him; but then," he said, "I saw his blessed wig.' ON CAPTAIN THOMAS STONE. JAPANESE PUNCTILIO. A Japanese, who had been brought from Russia, in the suite of the ambassador, one day, in a fit of despondency, made an attempt to cut his throat with a razor. A physician and surgeon instantly prepared to staunch the blood; but a Japanese guard interposed, asserting, that it would be unprecedented to take any measures until the governor's orders had been received. It Luther, the German reformer, thus addresses the was in vain to tell them, that the man might die in pope: "Little pope, little, little pope, you are the interim: he was left to bleed till the arrival an ass, a lubberly ass; walk very softly, it is slip-of some of the Banjos, who declared that it would pery, you will break your legs, and then people have been quite irregular for the Russian doctors will say, what the devil is this? The little ass of to save the life of a Japanese; and he was aca pope is lamed. An ass knows it is an ass; acordingly turned over to the faculty, to be dealt stone knows it is a stone; but these little asses of with according to the laws and institutions of Japopes do not know that they are asses." pan. A city feast would have double the covers, And ladies would double the list of their lovers: With two sparks would Miss be to Scotland eloping, [a toping, Parsors find two tithe-pigs, could we catch them The drunkard two bowls, as he's drinking and roaring, [encoring. And, if you were all drunk, you'd my song be Then all get drunk, &c. BOTTOM TO THE LAST. A jester being on his death-bed, one of his companions begged when he got to the other world, he would put in a good word for him; “I may perhaps forget," said he; "tie a string about my finger." IRISH SKETCH OF THE LAW. Law! law! law! is like a fine woman's temper, a very difficuli study. Law is like a book of surgery, a great many terrible cases in it. Law is like fire and water; very good servants, but very bad when they get the upper hand of us. It is like a homely gerteel woman, very well to follow; it is also like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. And agaio, it is like bad weather, most people choose to keep out of it. In law there are four parts: the quidlibet, the quodlibate, the quid-pro-quo, and the sinaquanon. Isprimis, the quidlibet, or who began first? Because, in all actions of assault, the law is clear, that probis jukes is absolutis maris, fine jəkis : which being elegantly and classically rendered into Ergist. is, that whosoever he be that gave the first blow, it is absolutely ill, and without a joke. Secondly, the quodlibet, or the damages; but that the law has nothing to do with, only to state them; for whatever damages ensue, they are all the client's perquisites, according to that ancient Norman motto; if he is cast, or castandum, he is Semper idem ruinandum." Thirdly, quid-pro-quo, feeing counsel, giving words for money, or having money for words, according to that ancient Norman motto, Sicurat lex." We live to perplex. Fourthly, the sinaquanon; or, without something, what would any thing be goodfor? Without a large wig, what would be the out lines of the law? THE WIFE'S DELIGHT, Composed by her Husband. The following old Scottish song is from a MS. collection of poems, written and collected by Andrew Sympson, school-master, at Stirling, A.D. 1690. Some men they do delight in hounds, And thereby gain great treasure. And some rejoice in riding, To entertain the day, I first do chide-and then say grace, Too fat, too lean, too hot, too cold, Too raw, too roast, too young, too old- Let it be flesh, or fowl, or fish, It never shall be said, But I'll find fault with meat or dish, I heartily do weep, That I must part with my delight- And much abate my sorrow, UNLUCKY HINTS. Bishop Burnet was very remarkable for his temporary absence of mind; in the days of the great Marlborough, he obtained an interview with him, and was even asked to dine, but cautioned to be on his guard and not commit himself. Among other great company was Prince Eugene, who seeing a dignified clergyman present, asked who he was, and having heard he had been at Paris in 1680, asked him how long it was since he had left it. Burnet, fluttered, answered with precipitation he could not recollect the year, but [scenery, machinery, dresses, and decorations), the following entertainment: "An entirely new grand serio-comic-pantomimic-operatic-tragical Drama, called, The Idiot,' or Deaf, Dumb, and Blind.' "In Act 1st. A scene of the interior of St. Bartholomew's Hospital, including various surgical operations, and a dance by invalids on crutches, with a pas seul by the matron. In Act 2d. A procession of physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries, on a cattle-day, productive consequently of much comic confusion. it was at the time that the Countess of Soissons In Act 3d. A sea-fight by condemned malefacwas imprisoned on suspicion of practicing a con- tors, a proper number of whom will be killed on cealed mode of poisoning people. This lady the stage, by particular desire of several persons happened to be the mother of Prince Eugene, and of distinction. Scene, An Indian Coast: savage both parties' eyes being fixed upon each other, spectators by the patients of the Small-pox Hosthen only he perceived his mistake, stammered, pital. apologized, and retired in the utmost confusion. "In Act 4th. A new and unrivalled compoUpon another occasion, the Bishop dining one united efforts of our best musicians,) to be sung by sition, called The Whooping Cough;' (the day with Sarah Duchess of Marlborough, the con- Mr. Incledon. The execution of this bravura versation turned upon the ingratitude of the Government to the Duke, who had just lost his will completely immortalize the fame of the places. Burnet aptly compared him to Belisarius; singer when her Grace asked what was the occasion of his downfal? "Oh! madam, (says Burnet) poor Belisarius had a shocking brimstone of a wife." metic by the three Miss Stentors; an amputation; THE FARCE OF PHYSIC. The When Dr., some years since, went to practise at Bath, a gentleman asked Dr. Delacour, what could bring a practitioner from the metropolis to open a shop in the country. reason," replied he, "is obvious enough, sir; when a doctor breaks down on the London turf, he retires to cover at Bath for a guinea and a shilling."-" Why, my dear doctor, this makes physic a mere farce."-" True," rejoined he,, direct farce, for it is generally the last act before the curtain drops." 66 a A city feast would have double the covers, And ladies would double the list of their lovers: With two sparks would Miss be to Scotland eloping, [a toping, Parsons find two tithe-pigs, could we catch them The drunkard two bowls, as he's drinking and roaring, [encoring And, if you were all drunk, you'd my song be Then all get drunk, &c. BOTTOM TO THE LAST. A jester being on his death-bed, one of his companions begged when he got to the other, world, he would put in a good word for him; “I may perhaps forget," said he; "tie a string about my finger." IRISH SKETCH OF THE LAW. Law is Law! law! law! is like a fine woman's temper, a very difficult study. Law is like a book of surgery, a great many terrible cases in it. like fire and water; very good servants, but very bad when they get the upper hand of us. It is like a homely genteel woman, very well to follow; it is also like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us, And again, it is like bad weather, most people choose to keep out of it. In law there are four parts:-the quidlibet, the quodlibate, the quid-pro-quo, and the sinaquanon. Imprimis, the quidlibet, or who began first? Because, in all actions of assault, the law is clear, that probis jukes is absolutis maris, fine jokis; which being elegantly and classically rendered into English, is, that whosoever he be that gave the first blow, it is absolutely ill, and without a joke. Secondly, the quodlibet, or the damages; but that the law has nothing to do with, only to state them; for whatever damages ensue, they are all the client's perquisites, according to that ancient Norman motto; if he is cast, or castandum, he is "Semper idem ruinandum." Thirdly, quid-pro-quo, feeing counsel, giving words for money, or having money for words, according to that ancient Norman motto, "Sicurat lex." live to perplex. Fourthly, the sinaquanon; or, We without something, what would any thing be good for? Without a large wig, what would be the out lines of the law? THE WIFE'S DELIGHT, Composed by her Husband. The following old Scottish song is from a MS. collection of poems, written and collected by Andrew Sympson, school-master, at Stirling, A. D. 1690. Some men they do delight in hounds, And thereby gain great treasure. To entertain the day, I first do chide-and then say grace, Too fat, too lean, too hot, too cold, Too raw, too roast, too young, too old- Let it be flesh, or fowl, or fish, It never shall be said, But I'll find fault with meat or dish, And much abate my sorrow, |