THE BERKSHIRE PUBLICAN. 9. If anie man break a glasse hee shall answer Friend Isaac, 'tis strange you, that live so near the price thereof out of his wages: and if it bee not known who breake it, the butler shall pay for Bray, it, on paine of 12d. Should not set up the sign of the vicar; 10. The table must be couered half-an-houre Though it may be an odd one, you cannot but say, before 11 at dinner, and 6 at supper, or before, on It must be the sign of good liquor. The Answer. Indeed, master poet, your reason's but poor; HOUSEHOLD SERVANTS. The following paper contains regulations for the household-servants of an English baronet, about the year 1566. 1. That no seruant bee absent from praier, at morning or euening, without a lawful excuse, to bee alleged within one day after vppon paine to forfeit for eury tyme 2d. 2. That none sweare any othe vppon pain for eury one Id. 3. That no man leau any doore open that he findeth shut, without theare be cause, vppon paine for eary tyme ld. 4. That none of the men be in bed, from our Lady-day to Michaelmas, after 6 of the clock in the morning; nor out of his bed after 10 of the clock at night; nor from Michaelmas till our Lady-day, in bed after 7 in the morning, nor out after 9 at night, without reasonable cause, on paine of 2d. 5. That no man's bed be vnmade, nor fire or candle-box vncleane after 8 of the clock in the morning, on paine of Id. 6. That no man teach any of the children any unhonest speeche, or othe, on pain of 4d. paine of 2d. 11. That meate be readie at 11, or before, at dinner, and 6, or before, at supper, on paine of 6d. 12. That none be absent without leave or good cause, the whole day, or anie part of it, on paine of 4d. 13. That no man strike his fellow, on paine of losse of seruice; nor reuile or threaten, or prouoke one another to strike, on paine of 12d. 14. That no man come to the kitchen without reasonable cause on paine of 1d. and the cook likewise to forfeit Id. 4d. 15. That none toy with the maids, on paine of 16. That no man weare foul shirt on Sunday, nor broken hose or shooes, or dublett without buttons, on paine of Id. 17. That when any stranger goeth hence, the chamber be dressed vp againe within four howers after, on paine of Id. 18. That the hall bee made cleane eury day, by eighth in the winter and seuen in the summer, o paine of him that shall doe it Id. 19. That the court-gate bee shut each meale. and not opened during dinner and supper, with out just cause, on paine the porter to forfeit ou euery tyme Id. 20. That all stayrs in the house, and other rooms that need shall require, bee made cleane on Fryday after dinner, on pain of forfeiture for cuery one whom it shall belong vnto 3d. All which summes shall be duly paide each 7. That no man waite at table without a tren-quarter-day out of their wages, and bestowed od cher in his hand, except it be vppon some good the poore, or other goodly use. cause, on paine of ld. 8. That no man appointed to waite at my table be absent that meale without reasonable cause, on paine of Id. OUT OF DEBT. You say you nothing owe, and so I say, He only owes who something bas-to pay NAME OF A COACH. A traveller in a stage, not particularly celebrated for its celerity, inquired of the gentleman who sat next him, what the coach was called; upon which the latter replied, "I think, sir, it must be the Regulator, for I observe all the other coaches go by it." THE BRIGHTON BELLE, Which heart can love or eye delight in. Should he in age exceed Methusalem. Or shield yourself by meditation; "But there's ane lass in prime of youth, And faith so soon I'm set on flame, That, ope my heart this very minute, Depend on't, Dick, you'd find her name Engrav'd, and pretty deeply, in it. A face and form to rival Venus, A sparkling eye of love and light full, ("Tis one could quiz-I think between us,) The tout ensemble is delightful. I will not sing her charms in rhyme, Who writes of her in verse but proses; For surely 'tis a waste of time, To praise the hue or sweets of roses. But this I know, that, say or sing, To see this damsel than forget her! (Or not such brass, as you say rather,) I could methinks give some advice, Would prove of service to her father, For, sure, were all men of my mind, His girl might prove a mighty saving; Five minutes gaze on her they'd find A cure for all their warm-bath craving. And he might charge the usual tip, For where's the man would grudge to pay it? He sure must be a frigid rip, And dead to beauty, though I say it. But soft! too fast my projects rise, OXY-GIN AND HYDRO-GIN. While a ventriloquist was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady clamorously inquired of a gentleman near her, what he meant by oxy-gin and hydro-gin, or what was the difference? Very little, Madam," said he; "by oxy-gin, we mean pure gin, and by hydro-gin gin and water." 66 THE BASHFUL MAN, Written by Himself, in a Letter to a Friend. I labour under a species of distress, which I fear will at length drive me utterly from that society in which I am most ambitious to appear ;— but I shall give you a short sketch of my present situation, by which you will be enabled to judge of my difficulties. My father was a farmer, of no great property, and with no-other learning than what he had acquired at a charity-school; but my mother being dead, and I an only child, he determined to give me that advantage which he fancied would have made him happy, viz a learned education. I was sent to a country grammar-school, and from thence of my distress; and of that description, the num to the university, with a view of qualifying for ber, I believe, is very small. The Baronet holy orders. Here, having but a small allowance politeness, by degrees, dissipated my concer from my father, and being naturally of a timid and I was astonished to see how far good-breed and bashful disposition, I had no opportunity of ing could enable him to suppress his feelings, an rubbing off that native awkwardness which is the to appear with perfect case after so painful a fatal cause of all my unhappiness, and which I accident. now begin to fear can never be amended. The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the fa Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles miliar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led m distant, is a baronet, with an estate of about two to throw off my reserve and sheepishness, till: thousand pounds a-year, joining to that I pur-length I ventured to join in conversation, an chased. He has two sons and five daughters, all even to start fresh subjects. The library bein grown up, and living with their mother, and a richly furnished with books, in elegant bindings, maiden sister of Sir Thomas's, at Friendly-Hall, conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature dependant on their father. Conscious of my un- and ventured to give my opinion concerning th polished gait, I have for some time past taken pri- several editions of the Greek classics, in whic vate lessons from a professor who teaches" grown the Baronet's ideas exactly coincided with m gentlemen to dance ;" and although I at first found own. To this subject I was led by observing a wondrous difficulty in the art he taught, my know- edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, whic ledge of mathematics was of prodigious use in (as I had never before heard of such a thin teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the greatly excited my curiosity, and I rose up due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw wh positions. Having now acquired the art of walk. I was about, and (as I supposed) willing to say ing without tottering, and learned to make a bow, me trouble, rose to take down the book, whic I boldly ventured to accept the Baronet's invita- made me more eager to prevent him, and hasti tion to a family dinner, not doubting but my new laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled acquirements would enable me to see the ladies forcibly; but lo! instead of books, a boar with tolerable intrepidity; but, alas! how vain which, by leather and gilding, had been made t are all the hopes of theory when unsupported by look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling dow habitual practice! As I approached the house, a and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgwood ink dinner-bell alarmed my fears lest I had spoiled stand on the table under it. In vain did S the dinner by want of punctuality. Impressed Thomas assure me there was no harm. I saw th with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turke my name was repeatedly announced by the several carpet, and scarce knowing what I did, attempte livery-servants who ushered me into the library, to stop its progress with my cambric handker hardly knowing what or whom I saw. At my chief. In the height of this confusion we wer first entrance I summoned all my fortitude, and informed that dinner was served up; and I wit made my new-learned bow to Lady Friendly; joy then understood that the bell which at firs but, unfortunately, bringing back my left foot to had so alarmed my fears, was only the half-hou the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of dinner-bell. poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heels, to be the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, since noue but bashful men can judge In walking through the hall and suite of apart ments to the dining-room, I had time to collec my scattered senses, and was desired to take m seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daugh T 1 ter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xe-designed, to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest nophon, my face had been continually burning brandy, with which I filled my mouth already like a fire-brand; and I was just beginning to flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate sepply of napkins to wipe the surface of my clothes, my black silk breeches were not stout enough to save me from the painful effects of this adden fomentation, and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling cauldron; bat recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his forture, when I trod upon his toes, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extrecities parboi'd, amidst the stifled giggling of Se ladies and the servants. I will not relate the several blunders which I Cade during the first course, or the distress occaoned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce-boat, and knocking down a saltcellar; rather let me hasten to the second course, where fresh disasters quite overwhelmed me. In kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow; and clapping my hands upon my mouth, the cursed liquor squirted through my nose and fingers like a fountain over all the dishes,--and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that illfated handkerchief, which was still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace which the most poig nant sense of guilt could not have excited. ON A GIANT ANGLING. His line a cable, which in storms ne'et broke, ECLIPSE DEFERRED. I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me. my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the padding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; it was impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes Dean Swift one day observed a great rabble were starting from their sockets. At last, in assembled before his deanery door, and upon inspite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to quiring the cause, was told it was to see an eclipse. drop the cause of torment cn my plate. Sir He immediately sent to the beadle, and gave him Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my mis-instructions what to do. Away ran the crier for fortune, and each advised a different application. his bell, and after ringing it some time in the One recommended oil, another water, but all crowd, bawled out, "Oh yes, oh yes, all manner agreed that wine was best for drawing out the of persons concerned, are desired to take notice, beat; and a glass of sherry was brought me from that it is the Dean of St. Patrick's will and pleathe sideboard, which I snatched up with eager-sure, that the eclipse be put off till this hour toBess: but oh! how shall I tell the sequel? Whe-morrow. So God save the King and his reverence ther the butler by accident mistook, or purposely [the Dean." THE HUMOUROUS REFUSAL; OR, SUNDRY Of a vein most facetious and quaint was Dick But the joys of the bottle his thoughts aye did fill; One day to his sire, who made a great fuss In begging to sea he would go, Dick spoke thus: "Dear father, no further insist on this matterOds heart! the trite subject is worn to a tatter; But yet, ere in toto we wisely dismiss it, Just hear me expound my refusal explicit:Your son well-advised from such dangers would keep He's a vast deal too deep, sir, to tempt the vast deep; Nor into the hazard of drowning e'er pons he, The ocean, oh shun! would I say to my soui, Who like to see life, though I like not a sea life, Would there not then, you ask me, be argument some for't? Ah no;-I should be but fleec'd out of my com fort. That man must possess, sir, a mind that nough minds, Who at the ship's stern can endure the stern winds; Ah! think what a toil, in one's life's latter stage To be ploughing the main 'midst the furrows age! I prefer a deep glass to the glassy deep, far, And now pitch to oblivion all thoughts 'bout far. Thus, as for the sea, my dear father now know all The motives which urge me to wave the proposal, A BANDY JOKE. A company of itinerant actors once attemptin to gratify the inhabitants of a country town b their united efforts; one of our best tragedies wa selected for the night's amusement. In the fourt act of the tragedy, the Duke, sitting in judgment ordered the culprit into court, in these words "Bring the vile offender straight before us." The messenger, who was a wag, stepped forward and exclaimed in the superlative, It's impo sible, your grace, to bring him straight befor you, for he is one of the bandyest legged fellow you ever saw in all your life;" which occasione such a universal roar, that a considerable tim elapsed before the comical tragedy could be pro Besides, who could ever regard as a treat meat? ON A POSTILION. BED. Bed is a bundle of paradoxes; we go to it wit reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; and make up our minds every night to leave it early but we make up our bodies every morning to kee it late. |