COCKNEYISMS. The peculiar pronunciation of the following words is the unique property of the Cockneys, which may be said to give their precedents or rent-rolls of inheritance. Curous, for curious; and curosity, for curiosity. Here is a short cut; and yet they say stupendious, for stupendous, which shews, that though brevity may be the soul of wit, it is not always of proBunciation. Necessiated and necessuated, for necessitated. Leastwise, for at least. A conquest of people, for a concourse. Shay and po-shay, for chaise and post-chaise. Gound, for gown; schoold, for school. Obstropolous, for obstreperous. Common-garden, for Covent-garden. Kinsington, for Kensington. Chimley, or Chimbley, for chimney. Perdigious, for prodigious. Progidy, for prodigy. Kiver, for cover. Mislest, for molest. Scholard, for scholar. Regiment, for regimen. Margent, for margin. Contrary, for contrary. Blasphemious and blasphemous, for blasphemous. Howsomdever and whatsomdever, for however and whatever. "He did not pay Successfully, for successively; my bill, though I called upon him several days successfully." Respectively, for respectfully. Commonality, for commonalty. Properietor, for proprietor. Nonplush'd, for nonplus'd. Colloguing, for colleaguing. Drownded, for drowned, An-otomy, a skeleton. Paragraft, for a paragraph. Stagnated, for stagger'd. Ruinated, for ruined. Mought, for might. Obstacle, for obelisk, The letter h is taken great liberties with by the genuine cockney, as in the following example. They saw a flower in the edge; and, in trying to get at it, trod just at the hedge of the stream. They have their air cut by a fashionable dresser; and have bought a most beautiful at, which is a most Fit, for fought; a Five's-court abbreviation of becoming ed-dress, and they shall wear it the next the preterite fought. A-dry, a-hungry, a-cold, &c. This here; that there; if so be as how-and so. Rayly, for really. Wind, for wine. Scithers, for scissors. Postponded, for postponed. Kwine, for coin. Inigo Jones, the architect, has been often complimented as Indigo Jones, Rizz, for risen. Lunnun, for London. Moral, for model; "The child is the very moral of his father," who may not have much morality to spare. Hisn, hern, for his or hers. Ourn, yourn, for our's, your's. Nolus bolus, for nolens volens. They also call part of the funeral service," De profundis," (the) 130th Psalm,) by the style and title of "Deborah Fundish." An ignorant imprisoned cockney pick pocket once called a habeas corpus," hap'orth of copperas," which is the language of Newgate. Weal, for veal. 66 a Widowhood, neighbourhood, and livelihood,are time they go hout to dinner, A City servant once began a letter to his master, the alderman, with Horned Sir, instead of Honoured Sir. "Is there none here but you?" a usual query ; used by Dean Swift to his clerk, Roger Cox, who, turning over the leaves of his prayer-book, dryly replied, "Sure, you are here too!" THE IRISHMAN'S RECKONING, "Who lives there, honest fellow?" said a travelling stranger, As on thro' the county of Antrim he sped, And who fancied that houses shut up implied danger, "Lives there," answered Teague, “why a man that is dead." "When did he die?" cried the stranger more gaily; Teague paus'd, scratch'd his caxon, so straight and so sleek, Then replied, why really, 64 By my conscience, my jewel, If he'd lived till to-day, he'd been dead a whole week!" DOUBLE CONFESSION. A pamphlet called "The Snake in the Grass," being reported to be written by an illiterate nobleman, (probably in joke,) the gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. His lordship protested his innocence; but the gentleman not being satisfied without having it under his hand, "This is to scratify, that the buk, called the Snak—”— non"Oh, my lord," said the person, “I am quite satisfied now you are not the author." Mullygrubs, a neat symphonous expression for the nobleman took a pen, and began. megrims. Nincompoop, (a corruption of the compos,) a fool, an idiot. MUTUAL MISTAKE. LOGIC. Cries logical Bobby to Ned, will you dare An Irish pig-merchant, who had more money in his pocket than his ragged appearance denoted, once took an inside passage in a Liverpool stagecoach. An exquisite, of the first order, who was a fellow-passenger, was evidently annoyed by the presence of Pat; and having missed his handkerchief, tasked him with having picked his pocket, threatening to have him taken before a magistrate, at the next stage. Before they arrived there, however, the exquisite found his handkerchief, When Buonaparte was preparing to invade which he had deposited in his hat. He made a Spain, Talleyrand remonstrated against it as very awkward kind of an apology upon the occa- fraught with difficulties. No, no," said Nasion; but Pat stopped him short with this remark, poleon, "the war with Spain will be only a break"Make yourself easy, my honey; there's no fast for me."-" I fear," replied the minister, occasion for any bother about the matter. You "that your Majesty may be long at table." took me for a thief; and I took you for a gentleman; and we are both mistaken; that's all boney.' DR. ALDEICH'S FIVE REASONS FOR DRINKING. Good wine-a friend-or being dryOr lest we should be by and byeOr any other reason why. EARLY RECOLLECTIONS. Kennet, Lord-Mayor of London, in the year 1780, began life as a waiter, and his manner never rose above his original station. When he was summoned to be examined in the House, one of the Members wittily observed-" If you ring the bell Kennet will come of course." One evening at the Alderman's Club, he was at the whist-table, and Mr. Alderman Pugh, a dealer in soap, and an extremely good-natured man, was at his elbow, smoaking his pipe. Ring the bell, soap-suds," said Mr. Kennet, in his coarse way. "Ring it yourself, Bar," replied the alderman, 66 you have been twice as much used to it as I have." LOVE. 66 If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill ber above the brim with love of herself; and all that runs over will be yours. ROUGH ROADS. As no roads are so rough as those that have just been mended, so no sinners are so intolerant as those that have just turned saints. GREENWICH AND DULWICH. A celebrated living poet, occasionally a little met in the street, to dine with him at a country absent of mind, was invited by a friend, whom he lodging he had taken for the summer months. The address was 66 near the Green Man at Dulof pencilling down, our bard promised faithfully wich," which, not to put his inviter to the trouble to remember. his way to Greenwich, and began inquiring for the But when Sunday came, he made sign of the Dull Man! No such sign was to be found; and, after losing an hour, a person guessed that though there was no Dull Man at Greenwich, there was a Green Man at Dulwich, which the gen tleman might possibly mean. MOURNING SUITS. Parsons and lawyers, both you'll find By mourning suits are known; ODE TO MY PIPE. Pipe! whether plain in fashion of Frey-herr, Pipe! when I stuff into thee my canaster, I've no objections to a good segar, A true Havannah, smooth and moist, and brown; 1 rather follow in my smoking trim MENDING A PEN. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman wellknown for his eccentricities, walked from Hydepark-corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the Hon. Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, it was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. "It is so," said her grace; "but why don't you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that every body cuts, but nobody mends." FEMALE VIRTUE. Did ladies now (as we are told SWIFT ON STOCK JOBBERS. He who sells that of which he is not possessed, is said, proverbially, to sell the bear's skin, while the bear runs in the woods; and it being common for stock-jobbers to make contracts for transferring stock at a future time, though they were not possessed of the stock to be transferred, they were called sellers of bear-skins, or "bears." Another interpretation arises from the general character for trampling under-foot, which agrees with their department of business, viz. to keep down the stocks. ON A PHYSICIAN. Here Doctor Fisher lies interr'd, HONESTY. A gentleman once asserted that he did not believe that there was a truly honest man in the whole world; Sir, said a bye-stander, it is quite impossible that any one man should know all the world; but it is very possible that some one man -may know himself. AMATEUR THEATRICALS. My poverty, but not my will consents, Suppose us, now, at Mrs. Flourish's,-chairs and sofas all crowded; the ceremonies of tea and A beggarly account of empty boxes, coffee quite finished, and the eyes and ears of the Calling aloud-What, ho! Apothecary!" visitants all expanded for the promised display.good old lady winked, nodded, and prompted, During this very extraordinary exhibition, the Now, my dear Diggory," said the young gen- but all to no purpose. The fact was, Master Digtleman's doting mamma, 66 make your best bow to the company, my love, and let Doctor Tadpole gory's speeches were literally at his fingers' ends, hear you speak" The Newcastle Apothecary!" I as, being accustomed to work them into his head, always like my Diggory to say summat happli- by scratching himself with a particular finger, the cable." Then suppose, Madam," replied the same manoeuvre was always to be performed at Doctor, " the recital, and the application of a wrong digit suppose the young gentleman recites Gay's fable of The Old Hen and the Cock!'"invariably introduced a wrong passage. he has got · broke out: Why, Deary me, Doctor, he shall larn that next, after Diggory, my love!" at length exclaimed his perGimlet,' and Mounseer Tonson,' turbed mamma,- 66 you were sadly out, my dear! and Bucks have at you all!' and Young Nor-Now do try again, chuck, and let the company val,' and 'Old Towler,' and All the World's a hear Gimlet's sillyliquus about Toby." Master Stage,' and—”—" Hold, hold, my dear madam! Flourish, junior, accordingly again hah'd and why there's enough for the next nine months al- hemmed; and, after the usual evolutions, thus ready;-why, you'd multiply the ten parts of speech by forty, and let us have all of them!""Come then, Diggory, my man, I'll ring the bell, and souff the candles, and you shall give us that there one first, howsomever; and we'll have t'others afterwards." The Doctor interfered no farther; the company adjusted themselves in proper order, and sat in rueful expectation of the coming pleasure. I must here premise, that Master Flourish's memory, although tolerably tenacious as to the number of its subjects, was rather variable as to the method of detailing them; thus making a kind of dramatic cross-reading, which sometimes marred the solemn effect of his tragedy. At length, therefore, after blacking his face, clearing his throat, and pulling up his trowsers, he thus began: "I do remember an apothecary, And in his needy shop a tortoise hung, A member of this Esculapian line Lived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, His name was Bolus ! 66 Toby, or not Toby,-that there s the question? Aye, there's the rub! for, for, for,- moon!" |