THE STOUT GENTLEMAN. ROMANCE. A STAGE-COACH 147 pinions round a puddle, and making a riotous noise over their liquor. They As the I was lonely and listless, and wanted amusement, It was a rainy Sunday, in the gloomy month of it, and sought what is technically called the travelMy room soon became insupportable. I abandoned November. I had been detained, in the course of lers' room. a journey, by a slight indisposition, from which most inns for the accommodation of a class of way. This is a public room set apart at I was recovering; but I was still feverish, and was farers, called travellers, or riders; a kind of comobliged to keep within doors all day, in an inn of mercial knights-errant, who are incessantly scourthe small town of Derby. A wet Sunday in a coun-ing the kingdom in gigs, on horseback, or by coach. try inn-whoever has had the luck to experience They are the only successors, that I know of at the one, can alone judge of my situation. The rain present day, to the knights-errant of yore. pattered against the casements; the bells tolled for lead the same kind of roving adventurous life, only church with a melancholy sound. I went to the changing the lance for a driving whip, the buckler windows in quest of something to amuse the eye; for a pattern card, and the coat of mail for an upbut it seemed as if I had been placed completely per Benjamin. Instead of vindicating the charms out of the reach of all amusement. of my bed-room looked out among tiled roofs and fame and standing of some substantial tradesman The windows of peerless beauty, they rove about, spreading the stacks of chimneys, while those of my sitting-room or manufacturer, and are ready at any time to bar. commanded a full view of the stable-yard. know of nothing more calculated to make a man to trade instead of fight with one another. gain in his name; it being the fashion now-a-days sick of this world than a stable-yard on a rainy day. room of the hostel in the good old fighting times The place was littered with straw that had been would be hung round at night with the armour of kicked about by travellers and stable-boys. In one corner was a stagnant pool of water, surround- and yawning helmets; so the travellers' room is way-worn warriors, such as coats of mail, falchions, ing an island of muck; there were several half- garnished with the harnessing of their successors, drowned fowls, crowded together under a cart, with box-coats, whips of all kinds, spurs, gaiters, among which was a miserable crest-fallen cock, and oil-cloth covered hats. drenched out of all life and spirit; his drooping tail matted, as it were, into a single feather, along to talk with, but was disappointed. There were, I was in hopes of finding some of these worthies which the water trickled from his back; near the indeed, two or three in the room; but I could make cart was a half-dozing cow, chewing the cud, and nothing of them. Que was just finishing his breakstanding patiently to be rained on, with wreaths of fast, quarrelling with his bread and butter, and vapour rising from her reeking hide; a wall-eyed huffing the waiter; another buttoned on a pair of horse, tired of the loneliness of the stable, was pok-gaiters, with many execrations at boots for not ing his spectral head out of a window, with the having cleaned his shoes well; a third sat drumrain dripping on it from the eaves; an unhappy cur, ming on the table with his fingers, and looking at chained to a dog-house hard by, uttered something the rain as it streamed down the window-glass: every now and then between a bark and a yelp; they all appeared infected by the weather, and dis a drab of a kitchen-wench tramped backwards and appeared one after the other, without exchanging forwards through the yard in pattens, looking as a word, sulky as the weather itself; every thing, in short, was comfortless and forlorn, excepting a crew of the people, picking their way to church, with pettis I sauntered to the window, and stood gazing at hard-drinking ducks, assembled like boon com-goats hoisted mid-leg high and dripping umbrel las. The bell ceased to toll, and the streets became | its way, and boy and dog, and hostler and boots, silent. I then amused myself with watching the all slunk back to their holes; the street again daughters of a tradesman opposite, who being con- became silent, and the rain continued to rain on. fined to the house for fear of wetting their Sunday finery, played off their charms at the front windows, to fascinate the chance tenants of the inn. They at length were summoned away by a vigilant vinegar-faced mother, and I had nothing farther from without to amuse me. In fact, there was no hope of its clearing up: the barometer pointed to rainy weather; mine hostess's tortoise-shell cat sat by the fire washing her face, and rubbing her paws over her ears; and on referring to the almanack, I found a direful prediction stretching from the top of the page to the botWhat was I to do to pass away the long-lived tom, through the whole month, "Expect-much day? I was sadly nervous and lonely; and every-rain-about-this-time." thing about an inn seems calculated to make a dull I was dreadfully hipped. The hours seemed as day ten times duller. Old newspapers, smelling if they would never creep by. The very ticking of beer and tobacco-smoke, and which I had already of the clock became irksome. At length the stillread half a dozen times: Good for nothing books, ness of the house was interrupted by the ringing of that were worse than rainy weather. I bored my- a bell. Shortly after, I heard the voice of a waiter self to death with an old volume of the Lady's Ma- at the bar, "The stout gentleman in No. 13. wants gazine. I read all the common-place names of his breakfast. Tea, and bread and butter, with ambitious travellers scrawled on the panes of glass; ham and eggs; the eggs not to be too much done." the eternal families of the Smiths and the Browns, In such a situation as mine, every incident was of and the Jacksons, and the Johnsons, and all the importance. Here was a subject of speculation other sons; and I deciphered several scraps of fa- presented to my mind; and ample exercise for my tiguing inn-window poetry, which I have met with imagination. I am prone to paint pictures to myin all parts of the world. self, and on this occasion I had some materials to The day continued lowering and gloomy; the work upon. Had the guest up-stairs been menslovenly, ragged, spongy clouds, drifted heavily tioned as Mr. Smith, or Mr. Brown, or Mr. Jackalong; there was no variety even in the rain; it son, or merely as "the gentleman in No. 13," it was one dull, continued, monotonous patter-patter- would have been a perfect blank to me; I should patter, excepting that now and then I was enliven-have thought nothing of it; but "the stont gentlecd by the idea of a brisk shower, from the rattling of the drops upon a passing umbrella. It was quite refreshing (if I may be allowed a hackneyed phrase of the day) when, in the course of the morning, a horn blew, and a stage-coach whirled through the street, with outside passengers stuck all over it, cowering under cotton umbrellas, and seethed together, and reeking with the steams of wet box-coats and upper Benjamins. The sound brought out from their lurking-places a crew of vagabond boys, and vagabond dogs, and the carroty-headed hostler, and that non-descript animal, yeleped boots, and all the other vagabond race that infest the purlieus of an inn; but the bustle was transient; the coach again whirled on man!" the very name had something in it of the picturesque. It at once gave the size; it embodied the personage to my mind's eye; and my fancy did the rest. He was stout, or as some term it, lusty; in all probability, therefore, he was advanced in life, some people expanding as they grow old. By his breakfasting rather late, and in his own room, he must be a man accustomed to live at his ease, aud above the necessity of early rising; no doubt a round, rosy, lusty old gentleman. There was another violent ringing. The stout gentleman was impatient for his breakfast. He was evidently a man of importance; "well to do in the world," accustomed to be promptly waited face upon; of a keen appetite, and a little cross when sient guests. The colour of a coat, the shape or size of the person, is enough to suggest a travelling name. It is either the tall gentleman, or the short gentleman, or the gentleman in black, or the gentleman in snuff colour; or, as in the present instance, the stout gentleman; a designation of the kind once hit on, answers every purpose, and saves all further inquiry. Rain-rain-rain! pitiless ceaseless rain! No such thing as putting a foot out of doors, and no occupation or amusement within. By and by I heard some one walking over-head. It was in the stout gentleman's room. He evidently was a large man, by the heaviness of his tread; and an old man from his wearing such creaking soles. The" He is doubtless," thought I, some rich old square-toes of regular habits, and is now taking exercise after breakfast." The breakfast was sent up, and there was a short interval of silence; he was doubtless making the tea. Presently there was a violent ringing; and before it could be answered, another ringing still more violent. "Bless me! what a choleric old gentleman!" The waiter came down in a huff. The butter was rancid! the eggs were overdone; the ham was too salt; the stout gentleman was evidently nice in his eating; one of those who eat and growl, and keep the waiter on the trot, and live in a state militant with the household. hostess got into a fume. I should observe that she was a brisk coquettish woman; a little of a shrew, and something of slammerkin, but very pret- I had to go to work at this picture again, and to ty withal; with a nincompoop for a husband, as paint him entirely different. I now set him down shrews are apt to have. She rated the servants for one of those stout gentlemen that are frequently roundly for their negligence in sending up so bad met with, swaggering about the doors of country a breakfast, but said not a word against the stout inns. Moist merry fellows, in Belcher handker gentleman; by which I clearly perceived, that he chiefs, whose bulk is a little assisted by malt li must be a man of consequence, entitled to make a quors. Men who have seen the world, and been noise, and to give trouble at a country inn. Other sworn at Highgate; who are used to tavern life; eggs and ham, and bread and butter, were sent up. up to all the tricks of tapsters, and knowing in the They appeared to be more graciously received; at ways of sinful publicans. Free livers on a small least there was no further complaint. I had not scale, who are prodigal within the compass of a made many turns about the travellers' room, when guinea; who call all the waters by name, tousle there was another ringing. Shortly afterwards, the maids, gossip with the landlady at the bar, and there was a stir and an inquest about the house. prose over a pint of port, or a glass of negus after The stout gentleman wanted the Times or Chroni-dinner. The morning wore away in forming of cle newspaper. I set him down, therefore, for a these and similar surmises. As fast as I wove one whig; or rather, from his being so absolute and lordly where he had a chance, I suspected him of being a radical. Hunt, I had heard, was a large man; "who knows," thought I," but it is Hunt himself." system of belief, some movement of the unknown would completely overturn it, and throw all my thoughts again into confusion. Such are the solitary operations of a feverish mind. I was, as I have said, extremely nervous; and the continual My curiosity began to be awakened. I inquired meditation on the concerns of this invisible personof the waiter, who was this stout gentleman that age began to have its effect. I was getting a fit of was making all this stir; but I could get no infor- the fidgets. Dinner-time came. I hoped the stout mation. Nobody seemed to know his name. The gentleman might dine in the travellers' room, and landlords of bustling inns seldom trouble their that I might at length get a view of his person; heads about the names or occupations of their tran- but no, he had dinner served in his own room What could be the meaning of this solitude and round the fire, and told long stories, about their mystery? He could not be a radical; there was horses, about their adventures, their overturns, and something too aristocratical in thus, keeping him- breakings down. They discussed the credits of dif self apart from the rest of this world, and condemn- ferent merchants, and different inns; and the tw ing himself to his own dull company throughout a wags told several choice anecdotes of pretty chamrainy day. And then, too, he lived too well for a bermaids and landladies. All this passed as they discontented politician. He seemed to expatiate were quietly taking what they called their nighton a variety of dishes, and to sit over his wine like caps, that is to say, strong glasses of brandy and a jolly friend of good living. Indeed, my doubts water and sugar, or some other mixture of the on this head were soon at an end; for he could not kind, after which, they, one after another, rung for have finished his first bottle, before I could faintly boots and the chambermaid, and walked off to bed hear him humming a tune; and, on listening, I in old shoes cut down into marvellously uncomfound it to be "God save the King." "Twas fortable slippers. There was only one man left: plain, then, he was no radical, but a faithful sub-a short-legged, long-hodied, plethoric fellow, with ject; one that grew loyal over his bottle, and was a very large sandy head. He sat by himself, with ready to stand by king and constitution, when he a glass of port-wine negus, and a spoon; sipping, could stand by nothing else. But who could he and stirring, and meditating, and sipping, until be! My conjectures began to rus wild. Was he nothing was left but the spoon. He gradually fell not some personage of distinction travelling incog? asleep, but upright in his chair, with the empty "Who knows!" said I, at my wit's end; "it may glass standing before him; and the candle seemed be one of the royal family, for ought I know, for to fall asleep too, for the wick grew long and black, they are all stout gentlemen." The weather con- and cabbaged at the end, and dimmed the little tinued rainy. The mysterious unknown kept his light that remained in the chamber. The gloom room, and, as far I could judge, his chair, for I that now prevailed was contagions. Around hung did not hear him move. In the mean time, as the the shapeless and almost spectra! box-coats of deday advanced, the travellers' room began to be parted travellers, long since buried in deep sleep. frequented. Some, who had just arrived, came in I only heard the ticking of the clock, with the buttoned up in box-coats; others came home who deep-drawn breathings of the sleeping toper, and had been dispersed about the town. Some took the drippings of the rain, drop-drop-drop, from their dinners, and some their tea. Had I been in a the eaves of the house. The church-bells chimed different mood, I should have found entertainment midnight. All at once the stout gentleman began in studying this peculiar class of men. There were to walk over-head, pacing slowly backwards and two, especially, who were regular wags of the road, forwards. There was something extremely awful and up to all the standing jokes of travellers. in all this, especially to one in my state of nerves. They had a thousand sly things to say to the wait-These ghastly great-coats, these guttural breathings, ing maid, whom they called Louisa and Ethelinda, and the creaking footsteps of this mysterious being, and a dozen other fine names, changing the name His steps grew fainter and fainter, and at length every time, and chuckling amazingly at their own died away. I could bear it no longer. I was waggery. My mind, however, had become com- wound up to the desperation of a hero of romance. pletely engrossed by the stout gentleman. He had "Be he who, or what he may," said I to myself, kept my fancy in chase during a long day, and it" I'll have a sight of him!'' I seized a chamber was not now to be diverted from the scent. candle, and hurried up to No. 13. The door The evening gradually wore away, the travellers stood ajar. I hesitated,-I entered. The room read the papers two or three times over, some drew was deserted. There stood a large broad-bottomed IRISH READING. elbow-ehair at a table, on which was an empty tumbler, and a Times newspaper, and the room smelt powerfully of Stilton cheese. The mysteriAn American citizen, for the purpose of arrestous stranger had evidently but just retired. ing attention, caused his sign to be set upside I turned off, sorely disappointed, to my room, which down. One day, while the rain was pouring had been changed to the front of the house. down with great violence, an Irishman was discoAs ! went along the corridor, I saw a large pair of boots, vered directly opposite, standing with some grawith dirty waxed tops, standing at the door of a vity upon his head, and fixing his eyes stedfastly bed-chamber. They doubtless belonged to the un- upon the sign. On an enquiry being made of this known; but it would not do to disturb so redoubt-inverted gentleman, why he stood in so singular able a personage in his den. He might discharge an attitude, he answered, "I am trying to read a pistol, or something worse, at my head. that sign." I went to bed, therefore, and lay awake half the night in a terribly nervous state, and even when I fell asleep. I was still haunted in my dreams by the idea of the stout gentleman and his wax-topped boots HOME TRUTHS. Relations take the greatest liberties, and give the least assistance. If a stranger cannot help us with his purse, he will not insult us with his comments; but with relations, it mostly happens, that they are the veriest misers with regard to their property, but perfect prodigals in the article of advice. SATIRE. I slept rather late the next morning, and was awakened by some stir er bustle in the house, which I could not at first comprehend; until getting more awake, I found there was a mail-coach starting from the door. Suddenly there was a cry from below," The gentleman has forgot his un-strong as the memory of fools, nor so keen as their Strong and sharp as our wit may be, it is not so brella! look for the gentleman's umbrella in No. resentment; he that has not strength of mind to 13.!" I heard an immediate scampering of a forgive, is by no means so weak as to forget; and chambermaid along the passage, and a shrill reply it is much more easy to do a cruel thing, than to as she ran, “Here it is! here's the gentleman's say a severe one. umbrella !" The mysterious stranger was then on the point of setting off. This was the only chance I could ever have of knowing him. I sprang out of bed, scrambled to the window, spatched aside the curtains, and just caught a glimpse of the rear of a person getting in at the coach-door. The skirts of a brown coat parted behind, and gave me a full view of the broad disk of a pair of drab breeches. The door closed." All right!" was the word,the coach whirled off,--and that was all I ever saw of the stout gentleman! TREASON NEVER PROSPERS. INTOLERANCE, There are only two things in which the professors of all religions have agreed; to persecute all other sects, and to plunder their own. THE THRIVING TRADESMAN, When a couple of broom-men had chatted one day My I have long been most plaguedly puzzled to know How you manage to sell your brooms cheaper than mine, As I steal the materials."--" I like your design, Treason does never prosper; what's the reason? |