The Laughing Philosopher

TRAVELLING EXPENCES.

ENEAS AND WILLIAM THE THIRD. Jacob Tonson, Dryden's bookseller, was a whig, while the poet was a Jacobite. When A foolish young fellow boasting in company of Dryden had nearly completed his translation of his travelling abroad, was asked by one present Virgil, it was the bookseller's wish, and seve- how he made his way. By my wits," replied ral of Dryden's friends, that the book should be the other. "Indeed!" says he," then you must dedicated to King William: this, however, the have travelled very cheaply." poet strenuously refused. The bookseller, however, who had as much veneration for William as Dryden had for James, finding he could not have the dedication he wished, contrived, on retouching the plates, to have Eneas delineated with a hooked nose, that he might resemble his favourite prince. This ingenious device of Tonson's occasioned the following epigram to be inserted in the next edition of Dryden's Virgil:

Old Jacob, by deep judgment swav'd,
To please the wise beholders,
Has plac'd old Nassau's hook-nos'd head
On poor Æneas' shoulders.

To make the parallel hold tack,

Methinks there's little lacking, One took his father pick-a-back, And t'other sent him packing.

DANCING-CARD EXTRAORDINARY.

As dancing is the poetry of motion-those who wish to sail through the mazes of harmony-or to "trip it on the light fantastic toe," will find an able guide in John Wilde, who was formed by nature for a dancing-master.-N. B. Those who have been taught to dance with a couple of left legs, had better apply in time, as he effectually cures

all bad habits of the kind.

A STANDARD RULE.

An officer and a lawyer talking of a disastrous battle, the former was lamenting the number of brave soldiers who fell on the occasion, when the lawyer observed, "That those who live by the sword must expect to die by the sword." By a similar rule," answered the officer, "those who live by the law must expect to die by the law."

ON MR. DAY, WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS
LANDLORD.

Here DAY and Night conspir'd a sudden flight,
For DAY, they say, has run away by night.
DAY's past and gone. Why, landlord, where's

your rent?

Did you not see that DAY was almost spent?
DAY pawn'd and sold, and put off what he might,
Tho' it be ne'er so dark, DAY will be light.
You had one DAY a tenant; and would fain
Your eyes could see that DAY but once again,
No, landlord, no; now you may truly say,
(And to your cost too) you have lost the DAY.
DAY is departed in a mist, I fear;

For DAY is broke, and yet does not appear.
From time to time he promis'd still to pay;
You should have rose before the break of DAY.
But if you had, you'd have got nothing by't,
For DAY was cunning, and broke over-night.
DAY, like a candle, is gone out, but where
None knows, unless to t'other hemisphere.
Then to the tavern let us haste away--
Come, chear up-hang't-'tis but a broken DAY.
And he that trusted DAY for any sum
Will have his money, if that Day will come.
But how now, landlord! what's the matter, pray?
What! you can't sleep, you long so much for DAY,
Have you a mind, sir, to arrest a DAY?
There's no such bailiff, now, as Joshua.
Cheer up then, man! what tho' you've lost a sum,
Do you not know that pay-DAY yet will come?
will engage, do you but leave your sorrow,
My life for your's, DAY comes again to-morrow,
And for your rent- never torment your soul,
You'll quickly see DAY peeping through a hole,

THE LIGHT GUINEA.

THE CHOICE OF A WIFE BY CHEESE. There lived in York, an age ago,

A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a light guinea which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea. "Yes, sir," replied Teague," but 1 was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner, so at a turnpike, where I had four pence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it into his pocket and never saw it."

NEW REGIMEN.

A rich valetudinarian called in a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and enquired, “Do you eat well?"-Yes," said the patient. "Do you sleep well?"-" I do." "Then," said the Esculapius, "I shall give something to take away all that."

ON A RUINED HORSE-RACER.
John ran so long, and ran so fast,
No wonder he ran out at last:
He ran in debt; and then to pay,
He distanc'd all-and ran away.

A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED A person who dined in company with Dr. Johnson, endeavoured to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at every thing he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, " Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said any thing that you can comprehend."

BIDDING AT AN AUCTION.

A gentleman having accidentally walked into Will no one an auction, heard the orator asking, bid more? Oh, pray gentlemen, bid more.”. “Very well,” cried the hearer, with a grave face, “I'll ̊bid more."-"Thank you, sir-go onWhat do you bid?" Why I'll bid you-good pight,” and walked off

A man whose name was Pimlico;
He lov'd three sisters passing well,
But which the best he could not tell.
These sisters three, divinely fair,
Shew'd Pimlico their tenderest care:
For each was elegantly bred,

And all were much inclin'd to wed;
And all made Pimlico their choice,
And prais'd him with their sweetest voice,
Young Pim, the gallant and the gay,
Like ass divided 'tween the hay,
At last resolv'd to gain his case,
And choose his wife by eating cheese.
He wrote his card, he seal'd it up,
And said with them that night he'd sup;
Desir'd that there might only be
Good Cheshire cheese, and but them three;
He was resolv'd to crown his life,
And by that means to fix his wife.
The girls were pleas'd at his conceit;
Each drest herself divinely neat;
With faces full of peace and plenty,
Blooming with roses, under twenty.
For surely Nancy, Betsy, Sally,
Were sweet as lilies of the valley;
But singly, surely buxom Bet
Was like new hay and mignionet;
But each surpass'd a poet's fancy,
For that, of truth, was said of Nancy:
And as for Sal, she was a donna,
As fair as those of old. Crotona,
Who to Apelles ient their faces
To make up madam Helen's graces.
To those the gay divided Pin
Came elegantly smart and trim
When ev'ry smiling maiden, certain,
Cut off some cheese to try her fortune.
Nancy at once not fearing--caring,
To shew her saving ate the paring;
And Bet, to shew her gen'rous mind,
Cut and then threw away the rind;

G 2

In a country parish, the wife of the lord of the manor came to church, after her lying-in, to return thanks. The parson, aiming to be complaisant, and thinking plain "woman" too familiar, instead of saying, "O Lord, save this woman!" said, "O Lord, save this lady!" The clerk, resolving not to be behind-hand with him in politeness, answered, "Who putteth her ladyship's trust in thee."

GRAMMATICAL ANCESTORS.

Mr. Pitt was once disputing for the energy and beauty of the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the English, he asserted, that two negatives made a thing more positive than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," said Thurlow, " your father and mother must have been two complete negatives to make such a positive fellow as you are."

THE DISAPPOINTED CRITIC.

An orator having written a speech, which he intended to deliver at a public meeting, gave it to a friend to read, and desired his opinion of it. The friend, after some time, told the author he had read it over three times: the first time it appeared very good, the second indifferent, and the third quite insipid. "That will do," said the orator, very coolly," for I have only to repeat it once."

A LADY'S VALUABLES.

When the Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intentions to his Prussian majesty; and to tell him, at the same time, that her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin. Immediately on hearing this, the king sarcastically replied, I beg, sir, you will give my compli ments to her grace, and inform her that I am very sorry we are only entrusted with the very worst part of her property."

who died on a journey through Scotland, May 3, 1798, aged 30.

This stone was placed here

by an Acquaintance,

who, after examining the Debits and Credits
of his cash account,

found a small balance in his favour.
His sickness was short, and being a stranger,
he was not troubled in his last moments
with the sight of weeping friends,
but died at an hospitable inn,
with the consent of all around him.

He left no mourner here,
Save a favourite mare, which,

(if the account of an ostler may be credited) neither ate nor drank during his indisposition. READER!

Fittle will be said to perpetuate his memory; the fact is--he died poor: the whole he left behind would not buy paper sufficient to paint half bis virtues. His chief mourner was sold by public roup, over-grown landlord and half-starved apothecary. To pay the expenses of an

His bags at once contained
his wardrobe, patterns, and library,
consisting of

two neckcloths and a clean shirt:
with samples of

fringes, lace, lines and tassels,
whips, webs, and whalebone;

also the following curious collection of books;
A volume of manuscript poetry,
(the offspring of his own muse)
Matrimonial Magazines,

Ovid's Art of Love-The Whole Duty of Man, and

Plato on the Immortality of the Soul.
In a snug pocket lay

an Aberdeen note for five pounds,

and an unfinished love-letter; the latter evinced an eager desire of a speedy marriage;

For though his family face was an index of an hardened and unforgiving temper,

it was at last approved by the object of his affection, and, if death had spared him. though nature had been unkind he might have lived to have improved an ill-fa• voured stock.

The affability of his manners, and the susceptibility of his heart,

gave appearances the lie;

His attachment to the fair sex was notorious
to whom he was so tenderly attentive,
that the story of a rude embrace
would have caused the tear of Sensibility'
to trickle from his eye.*

He was ever happy when doing good;
and his liberality bountifully extended
to the unfortunate part of the sex,

whom he always relieved to the utmost of his power; he was, justly speaking, a friend to all;

an enemy to none but himself.

BROTHER TRAVELLER

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An Italian noble being at church one day, and finding a priest who begged for the souls in purga"Ah! my lord," tory, gave him a piece of gold. you have now delivered a said the good father, soul." The count threw upon the plate another piece; Here is another soul delivered," said the priest. "Are you positive of it?" replied the court. "Yes, my lord," replied the priest, "I am certain they are now in heaven."" Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signides nothing to you now, seeing the souls are already got to heaven, there can be no danger of their returning to purgatory."

POETICAL LICENCE.

When Charles, at once a monarch and a wit,
Some smooth, soft flattery read, by Waller writ;
Waller, who erst to sing was not asham'd,
That heav'n in storms great Cromwell's soul had
claim'd,

Turn'd to the bard, and, with a smile, said he,
"Your strains for Noll excel your strains for me."

stop! and refect a moment on the uncertainty of The bard, his cheeks with conscious blushes red,

this life!

He had only one.

Thus to the king return'd, and bow'd his head; "Poets, so heav'n and all the nine decreed, In fiction better than in truth succeed."

THE SNORING MEMBER. During a debate in the House of Commons, about four in the morning, a member was called to order for snoring, while a very eminent orator was addressing the house. When a division took place, the speaker, as usual, put the question.-"Those who are for the amendment say aye, and those who are of the contrary opinion say no." A gentleman who was near the snoring member, exclaimed from the gallery," the nose had it."

LOVE FOR OUR ENEMIES.

A physician seeing Charles Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, "Don't drink that filthy stuff; brandy is the worst enemy you have?"

"I know that," replied Charles," but you know we are commanded by Scripture to love our enemies."

A SUCCESSOR TO CERBERUS.

Carolan, the Irish bard, being refused entrance to a nobleman's house by the porter, whose uame was O'Flino, wrote with chalk on the door"What pity hell's gates are not kept by O'Flinn, Such a surly old dog would let nobody in."

MACKCOULL, THE PICKPOCKET.

While Sir W. Parsons was one day sitting at Bow-street, he received the following curious epistle from a notorious pick pocket

Gentlemen,-I beg leave to inform you that I am (with my wife) going to the theatre, Coventgarden. I take this step, in order to prevent any ill-founded malicious constructions. Trusting I am within the pale of safety, and that my conduct will ever insure me the protection of the magistracy, I remain, Gentlemen, with all due respect and attention, your most obedient very humble servant, JOHN MACKCOULL.

Donaldson, the officer, therefore treated the apologist with proper attention, and Mackcoull retired with his wife, without attempting to mill a wipe, queer a stilt, or draw a taller.

THE DIVERTING HISTORY OF JOHN GILPIN,
SHEWING HOW HE WENT FARTHER
THAN HE INTENDED, AND CAME
HOME SAFE AGAIN.

John Gilpin was a citizen

Of credit and renown,

A train-band captain eke was he
Of famous London town.

John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear,
Though wedded we have been
These twice ten tedious years, yet we
No holiday have seen
To-morrow is our wedding-day,
And we will then repair
Unto the Bell at Edmonton,
All in a chaise and pair.
My sister and my sister's child,
Myself and children three,
Will fill the chaise, so you must ride
On horseback after we.

He soon replied, I do admire

Of womankind but one;
And you are she, my dearest dear,
Therefore it shall be done.

I am a linen-draper bold,

As all the world doth know,
And my good friend the callender,
Will lend his horse to go.

Quoth Mrs. Gilpin, that's well said
And, for that wine is dear,
We will be furnish'd with our own,
Which is both bright and clear.
John Giipin kiss'd his loving wife,
O'erjoy'd was he to find

That though on pleasure she was bent,
She had a frugal mind.

The morning came, the chaise was brought,
But yet was not allow'd

To drive up to the door, lest all
Should say that she was proud.

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