Abbildungen der Seite
PDF
[merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

I}en Jonson owing a vintner some money, staid away from his house ; the vintner meeting him by chance, asked him for his money, and also told him if he would come to his house, and answer him four questions, he would forgive him the debt. Ben Jonson very gladly agreed, and went at the time appointed, called for a bottle of claret, and drank to the vintner, praising the wine greatly ; “This is not our business,” said the vintner; “Mr. Jonson, answer me my four questions, or pay use my inoney, or go to gaol.”---' i'ray,” said Ben, “ propose them.”—“ Then,” said the vintner, “tell me, First, What pleases God — Secondly, What pleases the Devil?–Thirdly, What pleases the World —And lastly, What best pleases me?”—“ Well, then,” replied iSen, “God is best pleased when man forsakes his sin; The Devil's best pleased when man delights therein ; The world’s best pleas'd when you do draw good wine ; And you’ll be pleased when I do pay for mine.” The vintner was satisfied, gave Ben a receipt in full, and a bottle of claret into the bargain.

[ocr errors]

George III. was coining home one day from the San Fiorenzo, at Weymouth, when the wind and tide met, and the people on shore were apprehensive that the barge would be swamped. The next morning some officers waited on the king, to congratulate him on his escape, saying, “ that he unust have been in great fear.”—“Oh,” replied the king, “I thank you; but let what will be said of the family, there are no cowards among us, whatever fools there may be.”

LAstiNG B E AUTY.

Lord Ailesbury and Lady Stratford preserved their beauty so long, that Horace Waipole called them Huckaback beautics, that never wear out.

TY THE BY INST A LM ENTS,

A farmer once gave notice to the clergyman of l, is parish, who took tithe in kind, that he was going to draw a field of turnips on a certain day. The clergyman, accordingly, sent his team and servant at the time appointed, when the farmcr drew ten turnips, and desired the servant to take one of them, saying, “he would not draw any more that day, but would let him know when he did.”

A LADY of FASH to N,

She sometimes laughs, but never loud;
She’s handsome too, but somewhat proud ;
At court she bears away the belle
She dresses fine and figures well;
With decency she's gay and airy :
Who can this be but Lady Mary 2
The PENsion ER's EQUIvo Que.

A stranger visiting Greenwich-hospital, saw a pensioner in a yellow coat, which is the punishment for disorderly behaviour. Surprised at the singularity of the man's appearance, he asked him what it meant 2 “O, sir,” replied the fellow, “we who wear yellore coats are the music, and it is I who play the first fiddle.”

A CLUB OF AUthors. The first person of this society is Dr. Nonentity, a metaphysician. Most people think him a profound scholar; but, as he seldom speaks, I cannot be positive in that particular; he generally spreads himself before the fire, sucks his pipe, talks littie, drinks much, and is reckoned very good company. I am told he writes indexes to perfection ; he makes essays on the origin of evil, philosophical inquirics upon any subject, and draws up an answer to any book, upon twenty-four hours warning. You may distinguish him from the rest of the company by his long grey wig, and the blue handkerchief round his neck. The next to him, in merit and esteem, is Tim Syllabub, a droll creature; he sometimes shines as a star of the first magnitude among the choice spirits of the age; he is reckoned equally excellent at a rebus, a riddle, a lewd song, and a hymn for the tabernacle. You will know him by his shabby finery, his powdered wig, dirty thirt, and broken silk-stockings. After him, succeeds Mr. Tibbs, a very useful hand; he writes receipts for the bite of a nad dog, and throws off an eastern tale to perfection; he understands the business of an author as well as any man, for no bookseller alive can cheat hion; you may distinguish him by the peculiar riumsiness of his figure, and the coarseness of his that. However, though it be coarse, (as he sometimes to its the company,) he has paid for it. Lawyer Squint is the politician of the society : he nakes speeches for parliament, writes addresses to his fellow-subjects, and letters to noble commanders; he gives the history of every new play, and finds seasonable thoughts upon every occasion. A NEW PRISON.

This world is a prison in ev'ry respect, Whose walls are the heavens in common; The gaoler is sin, and the prisoners men, And the fetters are nothing but wouncil.

[ocr errors]

Lord Ligonier was killed by the newspapers, and wanting to prosecute them, his lawyer told him it was impossible—a tradesman inigi;t prosecute, as such a report might affect his credit. “Well then,” said the old man, “I may prosecute too, for I can prove I have been hurt by this report ; I was going to marry a great fortune, who thought I was but seventy-four; the newspapers have said I am eighty, and she will not have ine.”

v A Nity

Lady Townshend told Horace Walpole that she should go to see the coronation of George I I I., as she had never seen one. “Why,” said Walpole, “ you walked at the last :"—“Yes, child,” said she, “but I saw nothing of it, I only looked to see who looked at me.”

the UNLUCKY dit AMATIst.

A Scotchman presented a tragedy to Mr. Garrick, wao, after some time, returned it, saying, “ that he did not think tragedy was the gentleman's forte.”—“Then, sir,” said the other, taking a manuscript from his pocket, “here's a comedy, and let me tell ye, it's the first comedy that was ever wrote by any of my country.” This, however, Mr. Garrick likewise returned, observing, “ When I said that tragedy was not your forte, I did not incan that comedy was.”

WARBURTON AND QUIN.

Bishop Warburton was once haranguing at Bath in behalf of prerogative, when Quin said, “ Pray, my lord, spare me; you are not acquainted with iny principles, I am a republican ; and perhaps I even think that the execution of Charles I, might be Justified.”—“Aye,” said Warburton, “ by witat law f" Quin replied, ‘‘ by all the laws he had left them.” The bishop told Quin to remember that all the regicides came to violent ends ; “ I 1could not advise your lordship,” said Quin, “to make use of that inference, for if I am not unistaken, the same was the case with the ticclve apostles.”

Journ AL OF A citize N.

Monnay, Eight o'clock. and walked into the parlour. Nine o'clock ditto. Tied my knee-strings, and washed my hands. Hours ten, elevon, and twelve. pipes of Virginia. Itead the Supplement and Daily Courant. Things go on ill in the north. Mr. Nisby's opinion thereupon. One o'clock in the afternoon. mislaying my tobacco-box. Tuco o'clock. Sat down to Too many plums, and no suet. From three to four. Took my afternoon's nap. From four to sir. Wind, S.S.E. From sir to ten. opinion about peace. Ten o’clock. Went to bed, slept sound. TU Fs dAv, being holiday, Eight o'clock. as usual. Nine o'clock, Washed hands and face, shaved, put on my double-soled shoes. Ten, eleven, twelve. Took a walk to Islington. One. Took a pot of Mother Cob's mild. Between tuco and three. Returned, dined on a

I put on my clothes,

Chid Ralph for dinner. Mem. Walked

into the fields.

At the club. Mr. Nisby's

Rose

[blocks in formation]

Smoked three

From ticelve to one. Walked in the fields. Wind to the south. From one to two. Smoked a pipe and a half. Treo. Dined as usual. Stolnach good Three. Nap broke by the falling of a pewter dish. Mem. Cook-maid in love and grown careless. From four to sir. At the coffee-house. Advice from Smyrna, that the Grand Vizier was first of all strangled, and afterwards beheaded. Sir o'clock in the evening. Was half an hour in the club before any body else came. Mr. Nisby of opinion that the Grand Vizier was not strangled the sixth instant. Ten at night. Went to bed. waking till nine next morning. Tuv RspAv, Nine o'clock. Staid within till two o'clock for Sir Timothy; who did not bring me iny annuity according to his promise. Two in the asternoon. Sat down to dinner. Loss of appetite. Small-beer sour. Beef overcorned. Three. Could not take my nap. Four and five. Gave Ralph a box on the ear. Turned off my cook-maid. Sent a messenger to Sir Timothy. Mem. I did not go to the club tonight. Went to bed at nine o'clock. FRIDAY. Passed the morning in meditation upon Sir Timothy, who was with me a quarter before twelve. Tucelve o’clock. Bought a new head to my cane, and a tongue to my buckle. Drank a glass of purl to recover appetite. Tico and three. Dined, and slept well. From four to sir. Went to the coffee-house. Met Mr. Nisby there. Smoked several pipes. Mr. Nisby of opinion that laced cosice is bad for the head. Sir o'clock. At the club as steward. Sat late. Ticelve o'clock. Went to bed, dream'd that I drank small-beer with the Grand Vizier. SAru Rd Av. Waked at eleven, walked in the fields, wind N. E. Twelve. Caught in a shower.

Slept without

One in the afternoon. Returned home, and dried myself.

Teo. Mr. Nisby dined with me. First course, * Fow-bones; second, ox-cheek, with a bottle of Brooks and Hellier.

Three o'clock. Overslept myself. | Sir. Went to the club. Like to have fallen into a gutter. Grand Vizier certainly dead.

REQUISITES FOR A MINISTER.

A wag, in 1753, gave the following genuine receipt, as the grand catholicon:

To form a minister, th’ ingredients
Are, a head fruitful of expedients,
Each suited to the present minute,
(No harm if nothing else be in it !)
The mind, tho' much perplex'd and harass'd,
The count'nance must be unembarrass'd ;
High promises for all occasions ;
A set of treasons, plots, invasions;
Bullies to ward off each disaster;
Much impudence to brave his master;
The talents of a treaty maker;
The sole disposal of th’ exchequer;
Of right or wrong no real feeling;
Yet in the names of both much dealing.
In short, this man must be a mixture
Of broker, sycophant, and trickster.

[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]
[ocr errors]

I was invited, me thought, to the dissection of a beau’s head, and of a coquette's heart, which were both of then laid on a table before us. An imaginary operator opened the first with a great deal of nicety, which, upon a cursory and superficial view, appeared like the head of another man; but upon applying our glasses to it, we made a very odd discovery, namely, that what we looked upon as brains were not such in reality, but a heap of strange materials wound up in that shape and texture, and packed together with wonderful art in the several cavities of the skull. For, as Homer tells us, that the blood of the gods is not real blood, but only tomething like it; so we found that the brain of a beau is not a real brain, but only something like it. The pineal gland, which many of our modern philosophers suppose to be the seat of the soul, smelt very strong of essence and orange-flower water, and was encompassed with a kind of horny substance, cut into a thousand little faces or mirrors which were imperceptible to the naked eye i insomuch, that the soul, if there had been any here, must have been always taken up in contemplating her own beauties. We observed a large antrum or cavity in the sinciput, that was filled with ribbands, lace, and embroidery, wrought together in a most curious piece of network, the parts of which were likewise imperceptible to the naked eye. Another of these awnt rums or cavities was stuffed with in visible billet-doux, love-letters, pricked-dances, and other trumpery of the same nature. In another we found a kind of powder, which set the whole company a-sneezing, and by the scent discovered itself to be right Spanish. The several other cells were stored with commodities of the same kind, of which it would be tedious to give the reader an exaco inventory. There was a large cavity on each side of the head, which I must not omit. That on the right side was filled with fictions, flatteries, and falsehoods, vows, promises, and protestations; that on the left with oaths and imprecations. There issued out a duct from each of these cells, which ran into the root of the tongue, where both joined together, and passed forward in one common duct to the tip of it. We discovered several little roads or canals running from the ear into the brain, and took particular care to trace them out through their several passages. One of them extended itself to a bundle of sonnets and little musical instruments. Others ended in several bladders, which were filled either with wind or froth. But the large canal entered into a great cavity of the skull, from whence there went another canal into the tongue. This great cavity was filled with a kind of spongy substance, which the French anatomists call Galimatias, and the English Nonsense. The skins of the forchead were extremely tough and thick, and, what very much surprised us, had not in them any single blood-vessel that we were able to discover, either with or without our glasses; from whence we concluded, that the party when alive must have been entirely deprived of the faculty of blushing. The os cribriforme was exceedingly stuffed, and in some places damaged with snuff. We could not but take notice in particular of that small muscle which is not often discovered in dissections, and draws the nose upwards, when it expresses the contempt which the owner of it has, upon seeing any thing he does not like, or hearing any thing he does not understand, I need not tell my learned reader, this is that muscle which performs the motion so often mentioned by the Latin poets, when they talk of a man's cocking his nose, or plaving the rhinoceros. We did not find any thing very remarkable in the eye, save only that the musculi amatorii, or, as we may translate it into English, the ogling muscles, were very much worn and decayed with use; whereas, on the contrary, the elevator, or the muscle which turns the eye towards heaven, did not appear to have been used at all.

I have only mentioned in this dissection such new discoveries as we are able to make, and have not taken any notice of those parts whi." are to be met with in common heads. As for to skull, the face, and indeed the whole outward shape and figure of the head, we could not do cover any difference from what we observe to the heads of other men. We were informed that the person to whom this head belonged, had passed for a man above five and thirty years i during which time he eat and drank like othet people, dressed well, talked loud, laughed fre. quently, and, on particular occasions, had acquio ted himself tolerably at a ball or an assembly: to which one of the company added, that a cer. tain knot of ladies took hita for a wit. He was cut off in the flower of his age by the blow of a paring shovel, having been surprised by an eminent citizen, as he was tendering some civilitic' to his wife,

The illustrious ARCHITECT.

Old Bess, Countess of Hardwicke, built Chao worth House; and her family pretended that is had been prophesied to her that she would neve die as long as she was building; and that at a she died in a hard frost, when the labourers coul not work. She was married four times. Horac Walpole, on his visit to Chatsworth, is said to have written the following epitaph for her: Four times the nuptial bed she warm’d, And every time so well perform’d, That when death spoil'd her husband's billin: He left the widow every shilling. Fond was the dame, but not dejected; Five stately mansions she erected; With more than royal pomp to vary The prison of her captive Marv. When Hardricke's towers shall bow their head Nor mass be more in Worksop said : When Bolsover's fair famie shall tend, Like Olcotes, to its moulder ing end ; When Chatsworth tastes no Ca’udish bountic Lot fame forget this costly Countess.

« ZurückWeiter »