HOW TO SOW UP A SAND-BAG, AT A CITY FEAST REPUBLICANISM After the death of Charles the First, the Court of King's Bench was called the Court of Public Bench, and some republicans were so cautions of acknowledging monarchy any where, that in repeating the Lord's Prayer, instead of saying, Thy kingdom come," they changed it to Thy Common-wealth come." A PATIENT COMPANION. That is to say, one who will absorb like a bag of sand, or sawdust, all the wine you can pour into him. Always have in your party half-a-dozen seasoned old topers, whose heads are liquor-proof. Plant them at equal distances round your table; and when your huge barrel bellied Common Council-men are seated, and have loaded their first plates; then your chosen marksmen are to begin A gentleman who once introduced his brother their attack, and challenge those feliows alter-to Johnson, was very earnest to recommend him nately with bumpers of port and sherry. Let all to the doctor's attention; which he did by saying, the hams be as salt as pickle, and all the meat-" Doctor, when we have sat together some time, pies, and other made-dishes, as hot as pepper can you'll find my brother very entertaining.". make them; and, as your guests get thirsty and Sir," said Johnson," I can wait." call for drink, let them be plied alternately with strong Dorchester beer, brown stout, rough cyder, and perry; still keeping up the fire of port and sherry from your Rifle Corps. Before the cloth is removed, let each be induced to swallow a large bumper of brandy, just to settle his stomach and aid digestion. The instant the table is cleared, at them again with bumper-rounds of claret; give them no breathing time, if you do they will drink On account of the great number of suicides, a till morning; and then, before the sixth bumper-member moved for leave to bring in a bill to make toast is gone round, their maws will ferment, they it a capital offence. A FRIENDLY WISH. 66 Two Irishmen one day meeting, "I am very ill, Pat," said one, rubbing his head. Then," replied the other, "I hope you may keep so-for fear of being worse." PARLIAMENTARY BULLS. will gape like sick pigs, and, unable to speak, or When Sir John Scott, now Lord Eldon, brought sand, will either tumble under the table, or stag-in his bill for restricting the liberty of the press, a ger away; and then you will have time to enjoy member moved as an addition, that all anonymous your select friends, and acquire gout, to relish a works should have the name of the author printed supper of game." on the title-page. THE OATH OF DUNMOW. To reward chastity of mind, as well as body, an institution was established, giving to the happy possessors of conjugal virtue a flitch of bacon, In 1510, Thomas Lefuller, of Coggeshall, Essex, came to the priory of Dunmow, and required to have some of the bacon. He was, according to the form of the charter, sworn before the prior of the house and the convent, and before a multitude of neighbours; when he received a gammon of bacon. The oath of Dunmow was this "Ye shall swear, by the custom of our confession, That you never made any nuptial transgression Since you were married to your wife, Or householde travels, or contentious strife: As when you join'd hands in the holy quire. OBEDIENCE OF WIVES. In the Unitarian prayer-book, used by the American states of New England, the word obey is left out of the matrimonial service. Saint Paul, however. says, "Let the wife be subject to her own husband in every thing." CONFESSION OF TALLEYRAND, OF HIS EXPLOITS FROM THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN TO TWENTY-ONE. During five years, six husbands, from jealousy on my account, blew out their brains; and eighteen lovers perished in duels for ladies who were my mistresses. Ten wives, deserted by me, retired in despair to convents. Twelve unmarried ladies, from doubt of my fidelity or constancy, either broke their hearts, or poisoned themselves in desperation. All these were pertherefore include the hundreds of the bourgeoisie, sons of haut ton; and, in their number, I do not or of chambermaids, who, forsaken by me, sought I have, besides, during the same short period, made twenty-four husbands happy fathers, and forty maids solitary and miserable mothers! CHINESE MAXIM. consolation from an halter, or in the river Seine, The tongue of women is their sword, and they never suffer it to grow rusty. ON MARRIAGE. God was the first that marriage did ordain, By making one, two; and two, one again." SINGULAR MARRIAGE, A young fellow, called handsome Tracy, was walking in the Park, with some of his acquaintance, and overtook three girls; one was very pretty; they followed them, but the girls ran away, and the company grew tired of pursuing them, all but Tracy. He followed her to Whitehall-gate, where he gave a porter a crown to dog The girls ran all round Westminster, and back to them: the porter hunted them-he the porter. the Haymarket, where the porter came up with them. He told the pretty one she must go with him, and kept her talking till Tracy arrived, quite out of breath, and exceedingly in love. insisted on knowing where she lived, which she refused to tell him; and, after much disputing, went to the house of one of her companions, and Tracy with them. He there made her discover her family, a butter woman, in Craven-street, and engaged her to meet him next morning in the Park; but before night he wrote her four loveletters, and, in the last, offered two hundred pounds a-year to her, and a hundred a-year to Signora la Madre. Griselda made a confidante He of a stay-maker's wife, who told her that the swain was certainly in love enough to marry her, if she could determine to be virtuous and refuse his offers. "Aye," says she," but if I should, and should lose him by it." However, the measures of the cabinet-council were decided for virtue; and when she met Tracy next morning in the Park, she was convoyed by her sister and brotherin-law, and stuck close to the letter of her reputation. At last, as an instance of prodigious compliance, she told him, that if he would accept such a dinner as a butter-woman's daughter could give him, he should be welcome. Away they walked to Craven-street; the mother borrowed some silver to buy a leg of mutton, and they kept the eager lover drinking till twelve at night, when a chosen committee waited on the faithful pair to the minister of May-fair. The doctor was in bed, and swore he would not get up to marry the king,! but that he had a brother, over the way, who perhaps would, and who did. The mother borrowed a pair of sheets, and they consummated at her house; and the next day they went to their own palace. In two or three days the scene grew gloomy; and the husband, coming home one night, swore he could bear it no longer. "Bear! bear what?"-"Why, to be teazed by all my acquaintance, for marrying a butter-woman's daughter. I am determined to go to France, and will leave you a handsome allowance." Leave me! why you don't fancy you shall leave me? I will go with you."-"What! you love me then?"—“ No matter, whether I love you or not, but you shan't go without me." And they are gone! If you know any body that proposes marrying and travelling, I think they cannot do it in a more com modious manner. 66 THE THOUGHT; OR, A SONG OF SIMILES. I've thought; the fair Narcissa cries, 'Tis like a beggar-like the sun'Tis like the Dutch-'tis like the moon'Tis like a kilderkin of ale'Tis like a Doctor-like a whale"- Why are my eyes, Sir, like a Sword? For that's the Thought, upon my word. "Ah! witness every pang I feel, The deaths they give, the likeness tell. A sword is like a chair you'll find, Because, 'tis most an end behind. 'Tis like a key, for 't will undo one; 'Tis like a purge, for 't will ruu thro' one; 'Tis like a flea, and reason good, 'Tis often drawing human blood." Why like a beggar?" You shall hear; 'Tis often carried 'fore the May'r; 'Tis like the sun, because its gilt; Besides, it travels in a belt. 'Tis like the Dutch, we plainly see, "But since all swords are swords, d' ye sec, Why, let it then a backsword be, Which, if well us'd, will seldom fail To raise up somewhat like a whale." LEGACY TO A WIFE. Whereas, it was my misfortune to be made very aneasy by Elizabeth, my wife, for many years, I cannot eat but little meat, My stomach is not good; from our marriage, by her turbulent behaviour; GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. DRINKING SONG. for she was not content with despising my admonitions, but she contrived every method to make me unhappy; she was so perverse in her nature, that she would not be reclaimed, but seemed only to be born to be a plague to me; the strength of Sampson, the knowledge of Homer, the prudence of Augustus, the cunning of Pyrrhus, the patience of Job, the subtlety of Hannibal, and the watchfulness of Hermogenes, could not have been sufficient to subdue her; for no skill or force in the world would make her good; and, as we have lived several years separate, and apart from each other eight years, and she having perverted her son to leave and totally abandon me; therefore I give her one shilling only. MUTUAL LONGING. A pregnant lady, dining with a bishop, took a sudden longing to an elegant silver tureen, then on the table. When she returned, her indisposition alarmed her husband; at length she ex plained the cause of it, and even prevailed on him to go to the bishop, and acquaint him with it. The bishop was too gallant to refuse a lady in her situation any thing, and sent it. She was delighted; she thanked the good bishop for it. length her accouchement took place, and she went abroad. The bishop then sent a polite letter, congratulating her on getting abroad; requested she would return the tureen, as he now, in his turn, began to long for it; but that, upon any future occasion, if she should again long for it, it was at her service upon such terms. LILLY'S WIFE At Lilly, the almanack-maker, in the history of his life, makes the following item of his wife:-" Feb. 16, 165, my second wife died, for whose death 1 shed no tears. I had £500 with her, as her portion; but she, and her poor relations, spent me a thousand pounds. Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto; sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper et in sæcula sæculorum." I stuff my skin, so full within Both foot and hand go cold; But belly, God send thee good ale enough, I love no roast but a nut-brown toast, A little bread shall do me stead, I am so wrapp'd, and thoroughly lapp'd, And Tib, my wife, that as her life Even as a malkworm should, And saith, Sweetheart, I took my part Now let them drink till they nod and wink, God save the lives of them and their wives, REPARATION OF CONJUGAL INFIDELITY. This difficult case of conscience must be left to the casuists. The poor substitute-husband, some The following extraordinary entry appears in how, does not appear in the business; his renunthe parish-register of Bermondsey, in 1604: August. Ralphe, my beloved husband, I am right sorie that I have, in thy absence, taken another man to be my husband; but here, before God and this. companie, I do renounce and forsake him, and do promise to keep my sealfe onlie unto thee during life, and to perform all duties which I first promised unto thee in our marriage. The Prayer. Almightie God, we beseech thee to pardon our offences, and give us grace ever hereafter to live together in thy feare, and to perform the holy duties of marriage, one to another, accordinge as we are taught in thy holie word; for thy dear Son's sake, Jesus. Amen. ciation of the dy was to be expected, if he acquiesced in the transfer. ON A COVETOUS OLD PARSON. Cries Spintext in spleen, "This public donation, Menalcas comes down in a morning, opens his door to go out, but shuts it again, because he perceives that he has his night-cap on; and examining himself further, finds that he is but halfshaved, that he has stuck his sword on his right side, that his stockings are about his heels, and that his shirt is over his breeches. When he is dressed, he goes to court, comes into the drawingroom, and walking bolt upright under a branch of candlesticks, his wig is caught up by one of them, and hangs dangling in the air. All the The first day of August, 1604, Ralphe Good-courtiers fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs childe, of the parish of Barkinge, in Thames-louder than any of them, and looks about for the street, and Elizabeth, his wife, weare agreed to live together, and thereupon gave their hands one to another, making, either of them, a solemn vow so to doe, in the presence of The entry concludes thus- WILLIAM STERE, Parson, person that is the jest of the company. Coming down to the court gate he finds a coach, which taking for his own he whips into it; and the coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries his master. As soon as he stops, Menalcas throws himself out of the coach, crosses the court, ascends the staircase, and runs through all the chambers |