Enter MR. HARMONY. Har. My whole time is passed in endeavouring to make people happy, and yet they won't let me do it. I flattered myself that, after I had resigned all pretensions to you, Miss Wooburn, in order to accommodate Sir Robert; that, after I had told both my lord and him, in what high estimation they stood in each other's opinion, they would of course have been friends, or, at least, not have come to any desperate quarrel. Instead of which, what have they done, but, within this hour, had a duel! and poor Sir Robert

Miss W. For heaven's sake, tell me of Sir Robert!

Har. You were the only person he mentioned after he received his wound; and such encomiums as he uttered

Miss W. Good heaven! If he is in danger, it will be vain to endeavour to conceal what I shall suffer. (Retires a few paces to hide her emotions.)

Mrs. P. Was my husband there?
Har. He was one of the seconds.

Mrs. P. Then he shall not stir out of his house this month for it.

Har. He is not likely; for he is hurt too.
Mrs. P. A great deal hurt?

Har. Don't alarm yourself.

Mrs. P. I don't.

Har. Nay, if you had heard what he said!
Mrs. P. What did he say?

Har. How tenderly he spoke of you to all his friends!

Mrs P. But what did he say?

Har. He said you had imperfections.
Mrs. P. Then he told a falsehood.

Har. But he acknowledged they were such as only evinced a superior understanding to the rest of your sex; and that your heart

Mrs. P. (Bursting into tears.) I am sure I am very sorry that any misfortune has happened to him, poor, silly man! But I don't suppose (Drying up her tears at once.) he'll die?

Har. If you will behave kindly to him, I should suppose not.

Mrs. P. Mr. Harmony, if Mr. Placid is either dying or dead, I shall behave with very great tenderness; but if I find him alive, and likely to live, I will lead him such a life as he has not led a long time.

Har. Then you mean to be kind? But, my dear Miss Wooburn, (going to her) why this seeming grief? Sir Robert is still living; and, should he die of his wounds, you may at least console yourself, that it was not your cruelty which killed him.

Miss W. Rather than have such a weight on my conscience, I would comply with the most extravagant of his desires, aud suffer his cruelty to be the death of me.

Har. If those are your sentiments, it is my advice that you pay him a visit in his affliction. Miss W. Oh, no, Mr. Harmony, I would not for the universe. Mrs. Placid, do you think it would be proper?

Mrs. P. No, I think it would not. Consider, my dear, you are no longer a wife, but a single woman, and would you run into the clutches of a man? Har. He has no clutches, madam; he is ill in bed, and totally helpless. But, upon recollection, it would, perhaps, be needless to go; for he may be too ill to admit you.

Miss W. If that is the case, all respect to my situation, my character, sinks before the strong desire of seeing him once more. Oh! were I married to another, I feel, that, in spite of all my private declarations, or public vows, I should fly from him to pay my duty where it was first plighted.

Har. My coach is at the door; shall I take you to his house? Come, Mrs. Placid, waive all cere

monious motives on the present melancholy occasion, and go along with Miss Wooburn and me. Miss W. But, Mrs. Placid, perhaps poor Mr. Placid is in want of your attendance at home. Har. No; they were both carried in the same carriage to Sir Robert's.

Miss W. (As Harmony leads her to the door.) Oh! how I long to see my dear husband, that Í may console him!

Mrs. P. Oh! how I long to see my dear husband, that I may quarrel with him! [Exeunt

SCENE III.—The Hall at Sir Robert Ramble's; the Porter discovered asleep.

Enter WILLIAM.

Will. Porter, porter, how can you sleep at this time of the day? It is only eight o'clock?

Porter. What did you want, Mr. William? Will. To tell you my master must not be disturbed, and so you must not let in a single crea

ture.

Porter. Mr. William, this is no less than the third time I have received those orders within this half hour; first from the butler, then from the valet, and now from the footman. Do you all suppose I am stupid?

Will. I was bid to tell you. I have only done what I was desired; and mind you do the same.

[Exit.

Porter. I'll do my duty, I warrant you. I'll do my duty. (A loud rapping at the door.) And there's a summons to put my duty to the trial. (Opens the door.)

Enter HARMONY, MISS WOOBURN, and

MRS. PLACID.

Har. These ladies come on a visit to Sir Robert. Desire one of the servants to conduct them to him instantly.

Porter. Indeed, sir, that is impossible. My master is not

Har. We know he is at home, and therefore we can take no denial.

Porter. I own he is at home, sir; but, indeed, he is not in a situation

Miss W. We know his situation.

Porter. Then, madam, you must suppose he is not to be disturbed. I have strict orders not to let in a single soul.

Har. This lady, you must be certain, is an exception.

Porter. No lady can be an exception in my master's present state; for I believe, sir, but, perhaps, I should not speak of it, I believe my master is nearly gone.

Miss W. Oh! support me, heaven!
Mrs. P. But has he his senses?
Porter. Not very clearly, I believe.

Miss W. Oh! Mr. Harmony, let me see him, before they are quite lost.

Porter. It is as much as my place is worth, to let a creature farther than this hall; for my master is but in the next room.

Mrs. P. That is a dining room. Is not he in bed?

Har. (Aside to the ladies.) In cases of wounds, the patient is oftentimes propped up in his chair. Miss W. Does he talk at all?

Porter. Yes, madam; I heard him just now very loud.

Miss W. (Listening.) I think I hear him rave. Har. No, that murmuring is the voice of other persons.

Mrs. P. The physicians in consultation, I apprehend. Has he taken any thing?

Porter. A great deal, I believe, madam.
Mrs. P. No amputation, I hope?

the streets, ma'am.

Har. Scoundrel! Your impertinence is insupportable. Open these doors; I insist on their being opened. (He thrusts open a door, which discovers Sir Robert and Mr. Placid at a table, surrounded by a company of gentlemen.)

Sir R. A song, a song, another song! (Miss Wooburn, all astonishment, is supported by Mr. Harmony and Mrs. Placid. The Porter runs off.) Ah! what do I see? Women! Ladies! Celestial be

ings we were talking of! Can this be real? (Sir Robert and Mr. Placid come forward. Sir Robert perceiving it is Miss Wooburn, turns himself to the company.) Gentlemen, gentlemen, married men, and single men, hear me thus publicly renounce every woman on earth but this; and swear henceforward to be devoted to none but my own wife. (Goes to her in raptures.)

Placid. (Looking at Mrs. Placid, then turning to the company.) Gentlemen, gentlemen, married men and single men, hear me thus publicly declare, I will henceforth be master; and from this time forward will be obeyed by my wife. (Sir Robert waves his hand, and the door is closed on the company of gentlemen.)

Mrs. P. Mr. Placid-Mr. Placid, are you not afraid?

Placid. No, madam, I have consulted my friends, I bave drank two bottles of wine, and I never intend to be afraid again.

Miss W. (To Sir Robert.) Can it be that I see you without a wound.

Sir R. No, my life, that you do not; for I have a wound through my heart, which none but you can cure. But in despair of your aid, I have flown to wine, to give me a temporary relief by the loss of reflection.

Mrs. P. Mr. Placid, you will be sober in the morning.

Placid. Yes, my dear; and I will take care that you shall be dutiful in the morning.

Har. For shame! how can you treat Mrs. Placid thus? You would not, if you knew what kind things she has been saying of you; and how anxious she was, when I told her you were wounded in a duel.

Mrs. P. Was not I, Mr. Harmony? (Bursting into tears.)

Placid. (Aside to Harmony and Sir Robert.) I did not know she could cry:-I never saw it before, and it has made me sober in an instant.

Miss W. Mr. Placid, I rely on you to conduct me immediately from this house.

Sir R. That I protest against; and will use even violent measures to prevent him. Enter WILLIAM.

Will. Lord Norland.

joy! I am married.

Sir R. I cannot give you joy, for envy.

Solus. Nay, I do not know whether you will envy me much when you see my spouse. I cannot say she was exactly my choice. However, she is my wife now; and that is a name so endearing, that I think I love her better since the ceremony has been performed.

not

Mrs. P. And pray when did it take place?

Solus. This moment. We are now returning from a friend's house, where we have been joined by a special licence; and I felt myself so happy, I could him of my good fortune. And as I see your lady pass Sir Robert's door without calling to tell here, Sir Robert, I guess you are just married too; and so I'll hand my wife out of the carriage, and introduce the two brides to each other. I'm married!

[Exit.

Sir R. You see, my lord, what construction Mr. Solus has put on Miss Wooburn's visit to me: and, by heaven, if you take her away, it will be said, that she came and offered herself to me, and that I rejected her.

Miss W. Such a report would kill me.

Re-enter SOLUS, leading on MISS SPINSTER. Solus. Mistress Solus. (Introducing her.) Har. (Starting.) My relation!-Dear madam, by what strange turn of fortune do I see you become a wife?

Miss S. Mr. Harmony, it is a weakness, I acknowledge; but you can never want an excuse for me, when you call to mind the scarcity of provisions.

Solus. Mr. Harmony, I have loved her ever since you told me she spoke so well of me behind my back..

Enter WILLIAM, and whispers Mr. Harmony, who follows him off.

Lord N. I agree with you, Mr. Solus, that this and in consideration, Sir Robert, that throughout is a most excellent proof of a person's disposition; all our many disagreements you have still preserved a respect for my character in my absence, I do at last say to that lady, she has my consent to trust you again.

Sir R. And she will trust me: I see it in her smiles. Oh! unexpected ecstasy.

Re-enter MR. HARMONY.

Har. (Holding a letter in his hand.) Amidst the bright prospects of joy which this company are contemplating, I come to announce an event that ought to cloud the splendour of the horizon.-A worthy, but an ill-fated man, whom you are all acquainted with, has just breathed his last.

Lord N. Do you mean the husband of my

Solus. Do you mean my nephew?
Placid. Is it my friend?

Sir R. And my old acquaintance? Har. Did Mr. Irwin possess all those titles you have given him, gentlemen? Was he your son? (To Lord Norland.) Your nephew?(To Solus.) Your friend?-(To Mr. Placid.) And your old acquaintance?(To Sir Robert.) How strange he did not know it!

Placid. He did know it.

Har. Still more strange, that he should die for want, and not apply to any of you.

Solus. What! die for want in London! Starve in the midst of plenty!

Har. No; but he seized that plenty where law, where honour, where every social and religious tie forbade the trespass; and, in punishment of the guilt, has become his own executioner.

Lord N. Then my daughter is wretched, and her boy involved in his father's infamy!

Solus. The fear of his ghost haunting me, will disturb the joys of my married life.

Placid. Mrs. Placid, Mrs. Placid, my complying with your injunctions, in respect to Mr. Irwin, will make me miserable for ever.

Miss W. I wish he had applied to me. Sir R. And, as I refused him his request, I would give half my estate that he had not applied

to me.

Har. And a man who always spoke so well of you all behind your backs! I dare say that, in his dying moments, there was not one of you whom he did not praise for some virtue.

Solus. No, no; when he was dying, he would be more careful of what he said.

Lord N. Sir Robert, good day. Settle your marriage as you and your lady shall approve; you have my good wishes. But my spirits have received too great a shock, to be capable of any other impression at present.

Miss W. (Holding him.) Nay, stay, my lord. Solus. And, Mrs. Solus, let me hand you into your carriage, to your company; but excuse my going home with you. My spirits have received too great a shock, to be capable of any other impression at present.

Har. (Stopping Solus.) Now, so loath am I to see any of you, only for a moment, in grief, while I have the power to relieve you, that I cannot help-yes,

my philanthropy will get the better of my justice. (Goes to the door, and leads in LADY ELEANOR, IRWIN, and EDWARD.)

Lord N. (Runs to Irwin, and embraces him.) My son! I take a share in all your offences. The worst of accomplices, while I impelled you to them, Irwin. (On his knees.) I come to offer my returning reason; to offer my vows, that, while that reason continues, so long will I be penitent for the phrensy which put your life in danger.

Lady E. (Moving timidly to her father, leading Edward by the hand.) I come to offer you this child, this affectionate child; who, in the midst of our caresses droops his head, and pines for your forgiveness.

Lord N. Ah! there is a corner of my heart left to receive him. (Embraces him.)

Edw. Then, pray, my lord, suffer the corner to be large enough to hold my mother too.

Lord N. My heart is softened and receives you all. (Embraces Lady Eleanor, who falls on her knees; he then turns to Harmony.) Mr. Harmony, I thank you, I most sincerely thank you, for this, the most joyful moment of my life. not only experience release from misery, but a return to happiness.

Har. (Goes hastily to Solus, and leads him to Irwin; then turns to Mr. and Mrs. Placid.) And now that I see you all reconciled, I can say there are not two enemies, in the whole circle of my acquaintance, that I have not, within these three days, made friends.

Sir R. Very true, Harmony: for we should never have known half how well we all love one another, if you had not told us.

Har. And yet, my good friends, notwithstanding the merit you may attribute to me, I have one most tremendous fault; and it weighs so heavy on my conscience, I would confess what it is, but that you might hereafter call my veracity in question.

Sir R. My dear Harmony, without a fault, you would not be a proper companion for any of us.

Lord N. And whilst a man like you may have (among so many virtues) some faults, let us hope there may be found in each of us (among all our faults) some virtues.

Har. Yes, my lord :-and, notwithstanding our numerous faults, it is my sincere wish, that the world may speak well of us all-behind our backs.

Exeunt.

ACT I. SCENE I.-A Room in an Inn. Enter YOUNG FASHION, LORY, and Postillion. Young F. Lory, pay the post-boy, and take the portmanteau.

Lory. 'Faith, sir, we had better let the postboy take the portmanteau and pay himself. Young F. Why sure there's something left in it. Lory. Not a rag, upon my honour, sirYoung F. Why, ’sdeath ! it appears full. Lory. Yes, sir; I made bold to stuffit with hay, to save appearances, and look like baggage. Young F. What the devil shall I do? harkye, boy, what's the chaise?

Post. Thirteen shillings, please your honour. Young F. Can you give me change for a guinea? Post. O yes, sir.

Lory. So, what will he do now? Lord, sir, you had better let the boy be paid below. [be as well. Young F. Why, as you say, Lory, I believe it will Lory. Yes, yes; I'll tell them to discharge you below, honest friend. [pikes, too. Post. Please your honour, there are the turnYoung F. Ay, ay, the turnpikes by all means. Post. I hope your honour will order me something. Young F. To be sure; bid them give you a crown. Lory. Yes, yes, my master doesn't care what you charge them, so get along, you

Post. And there's the ostler, your honour. Lory. Psha! damn the ostler; would youn impose on the gentleman's generosity! [Esil Postillion. Lory. Well, sir, we have arrived at Scarborough not worth a guinea: I hope you'll own yourself a happy man-you have outlived all your cares. Young F. How so, sir?

Lory. Why you have nothing left to take care of. But, now, sir, for my Lord Foppington, your elder Young F. D-n my eldest brother. [brother. Lory. With all my heart; but get him to redeem your annuity, however. Look you, sir

Young F. Look you, sir, are you so impenetrable a blockhead as to believe he'll help me with a farthing?

|

|

TRADESMEN POSTILLION AMANDA BERINTHIA

MRS. COUPLER MISS HOYDEN NURSE SEMPSTRESS

Lory. Not if you treat him de haut en bas, as you used to do.

Young F. Why how would'st have me treat him? Lory. Like a trout, tickle him.

Young F. I can't flatter.

Lory. Can you starve?

Young F. Yes.

But who

Lory. I can't; good-by-t'ye, sir.
Young F. Stay, thoul't distract me.
comes here? my old friend, Colonel Townly.
Enter COLONEL TOWNLY.

My dear Colonel, I am rejoiced to meet you here.

Col. T. Dear Tom, this is an unexpected pleasure; what, are you come to Scarborough to be present at your brother's wedding?

Lory. Ah, sir, if it had been his funeral, we should have come with pleasure. [ still? Col. T. What, Lory, are you with your master Lory. Yes, sir, I have been starving with him ever since I saw your honour last. [gage, Young F. Go, go, sir, and take care of the bagLory, Yes, sir! The baggage! O Lord! I suppose, sir, I must charge the landlord to be very particular where he stows it.

Young F. Get along, you rascal. [Exit Lory.] But, Cael, are you acquainted with my proposed sister-in-law?

Col. T. Only by character; her father, Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, lives within a quarter of a mile of this place, in alonely old house, which nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home; in short, nobody has free admission there but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who has procured your brother this match, and is, 1 believe, a distant relation of Sir Tunbelly's.

Young F. But is her fortune so considerable? Col. T. Three thousand a-year, and a good sum of money, independant of her father, beside.

Young F. 'Sdeath ! that my old acquaintance, Dame Coupler, could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for such a prize.

Col. T. Egad, I wouldn't swear that you are too

him a favourite at court, they are to establish him with the ladies. (Apart.)

late, his lordship, I know, hasn't yet seen the lady, and, I believe has quarrelled with his patroness. Young F. My dear Colonel, what an idea have you started!

Col. T. Pursue it if you can, and you shall have my assistance; for beside my natural contempt for his lordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him. [the widow Berintbia? Young F. Has he been addressing your old flame, Col. T. Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsically circumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady you mention; but she failing in her promise, I, partly from pique, and partly from idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offering up incense to the beauties of Amanda, our friend Loveless's wife.

Young F. And Berinthia has never appeared? Col. T. Oh, there's the perplexity; for just as I began not to care whether I ever saw her again or not, last night she arrived: not condescending to give me any serious reasons for having fooled me for a month, I left her in a huff.

Young F. Well, well, I'll answer for it she'll soon resume her power; but my coxcomb of a brother is an admirer of Amanda's too, is he?

Col. T. Yes, and I believe is most heartily despised by her; but come with me, and you shall see her and your old friend Loveless.

Young F. I must pay my respects to his lordship: perhaps you can direct me to his lodgings. Col. T. Come with me; I shall pass by it. Young F. I wish you could pay this visit for me, or could tell me what I should say to him.

Col. T. Say nothing to him; apply yourself to his bag, his sword, his feather, his snuff-box; and when you are well with them, desire him to lend you a thousand pounds, and I'll engage you prosper. Young F. 'Sdeath and faries! why was that coxcomb thrust into the world before me? O Fortune, Fortune, thou art a jilt, by gad! [Exeunt.

SCENE II-A Dressing Room. Enter LORD FOPPINGTON, and LA VAROLE. Lord F. Well, 'tis an unspeakable pleasure to be a man of quality; strike me dumb'; even the boors of this northern spa have learned the respect due to a title. (Aside.) La Varole!

La Var. Mi lor

Ro-onter LA VAROLE.

La Var. Mi lor, de shoemaker, de tailor, de hosier, de sempstress, de peru, be all ready, if your lordship please to dress.

Lord F. 'Tis well; admit them.
La Var. Hey, messieurs, entrez.

Enter Tailor, Shoemaker, and Servants.
Lord F. So, gentlemen, I hope you have all taken
pains to shew yourselves masters in your profes-
Tai. I think I may presume, sir,—' Isions.
La Var. My lor, you clown, you.

Tai. My lord, I ask your lordship's pardon, my lord. I hope my lord, your lordship will be pleased to own I have brought your lordship as accomplished a suit of clothes as ever peer of England wore; will your lordship please to view 'em now? Lord F. Ay; but let my people dispose the glasses so that I may see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all round.

Enter YOUNG FASHION and LORY. Young F. Heyday! what the devil have we here? Sure my gentleman's grown a favourite at court, he has got so many people at his levee. (Apart.) Lory. Sir, these people come in order to make

Young F. Good heaven! to what an ebb of taste are women fallen, that it should be in the power of a laced coat to recommend a gallant to them. (Apart) Lory. Sir, tailors and hair-dressers debauch all the women. (Apart.)

Young F. Thou say'st true. But now for my reception. (Apart.)

Lord F. (To Tailor.) Death, and eternal tortures! sir, I say the coat is too wide here by a foot. Tai. My lord, if it had been tighter, twould neither have hooked nor buttoned.

Lord F. Rat the hooks and buttons, sir! Can any thing be worse than this? As Gad shall jedge me, it hangs on my shoulders like a chairman's [fancy.

surtout.

Tai. 'Tis not for me to dispute your lordship's Lory. There, sir, observe what respect does. Young F. Respect! D-n him for a coxcomb, but let's accost him. (Apart.) Brother, I'm your

humble servant.

Lord F. O Lard, Tam, I did not expect you in England. Brother, I'm glad to see you; but what has brought you to Scarborough, Tam? Look you sir, (To the Tailor.) I shall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping gown, therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition: for this is my eternal aversion. [Exit Tailor.] Well but, Tam, you don't tell me what has driven you to Scarborough. Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind? [is pleased with your ruffles? Semp. Directly, my lord. I hope your lordship Lord F. In love with them, stab myvitals! Bring me my bill, you shall be paid to-morrow. Semp. I humbly thank your lordship. Lord F. Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes a'nt ugly, but they don't fit me.

[Exit.

Shoe. My lord, I think they fit you very well. Lord F. They hurt me just below the instep. Shoe. No, my lord, they don't hurt you there. Lord F. I tell thee they pinch me execrably. Shoe. Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I'll be d-. [me I cannot feel?

Lord F. Why wilt thou undertake to persuade Shoe. Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit, but that shoe does not hurt you; I think I understand my trade.

Lord F, Now, by all that's good and powerful, thou art an incomprehensive coxcomb, but thou makest good shoes, and so I'll bear with thee.

Shoe. My lord, I have worked for half the people of quality in this town these twenty years, and 'tis very hard I shouldn't know when a shoe hurts, and when it don't.

Lord F. Well, pr'y thee begone about thy business. [Exit Shoemaker.] Mr. Mendlegs, the calves of these stockings are thicken'd a little too much : they make my legs look like a porter's.

Mend. My lord, methinks they look mighty well. Lord F. Ay, but you are not so good a judge of those things as I am, I have studied them all my life; therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less.

Mend. My lord, they are the same kind I had the honour to furnish your lordship with in town.

Lord F. Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in the beginning of the winter, and you should always remember, that if you make a nobleman's spring legs us robust as his autumnal calves, you commit a manstrous impropriety, and make no allowance for the fatigues of the winter. [Exit Hoser.

Jewel. I hope, my lord, those buckles have had the unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship's approbation?

Lord F. Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don't you think them rather of the smallest? Jewel. My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep on your lordship's shoe.

Lord F. My good sir, you forget that these matters are not as they used to be: formerly, indeed,