THE CONSTANT COUPLE. ACT THE FIRST. SCENE I The Park Enter VIZARD with a Letter, his SERVANT following. Vizard. Angelica send it back unopened! say you? Serv. As you see, sir? Vizard. The pride of these virtuous women is more insufferable than the immodesty of prostitutes-After all my encouragement, to slight me thus! Serv. She said, sir, that imagining your morals sincere, she gave you access to her conversation; but that your late behaviour in her company has convinced her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy, and that she believes your letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and foul within; so sent it back unopened. Vizard. May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrinkles bury it.-I'll be revenged the very first opportunity. Saw you the old Lady Darling, her mother? Serv. Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in your commendation. Vizard. That's my cue- -An esteem grafted in old age is hardly rooted out; years stiffen their opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is only to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [Aside.] Run to the Lady Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her ladyship will be at home this evening. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn. [Exit SERVANT. VIZARD pulls out a Book, reads, and walks about. Enter SMUGGler. Smug. Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' th' times; at his meditation so early; some book of pious ejaculations, I'm sure. Vizard. This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [Aside.] Oh, uncle Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th' town is a miracle. Smug. I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, cousin Vizard. Vizard. What is it, pray, sir? Smug. A man at his devotion so near the courtI'm very glad, boy, that you keep your sanctity untainted in this infectious place; the very air of this park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet scents of atheism. Vizard. Surely, sir, some great concern must bring you to this unsanctified end of the town. Smug. A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin. Vizard. What is it? Smug. A lawsuit, boy-Shall I tell you?-My ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St. Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute- -Oh, conscience! conscience! these tidewaiters and surveyors plague us more than the warAy, there's another plague of the nation Enter COLONEL STANDARD. A red coat and cockade. Vizard. Colonel Standard, I'm your humble ser vant. Colonel S. May be not, sir. Colonel S. Because--I'm disbanded. Colonel S. This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them. Smug. Tal, al deral. [Singing.] I'll have a bonfire this night as high as the monument. Colonel S. A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere this, about your ears.-Did we not venture our lives, sir? Smug. And did we not pay for your lives, sir ?— Venture your lives! I'm sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me.- -Sir, we'll maintain you no longer. Colonel S. Then your wives shall, old Actæon. There are five and thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in the city. Smug. Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months, born with a leading staff in his hand.--Sir, you are Colonel S. What, sir? Smug. Sir, I say that you are Colonel S. What, sir? Smug. Disbanded, sir, that's all--I see my lawyer yonder. [Exit. Vizard. Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune. Colonel S. Why so? I don't come to borrow money you; if you're my friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a health to my of king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary to-morrow morning. Vizard. What! you won't leave us? Colonel S. What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of colours in Westminster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no―― -I met yesterday a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his sword. Vizard. Oh, but you have good friends, colonel! ` Colonel S. Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder brother, a beau; mighty good indeed! Vizard. But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again. Colonel S. Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear it at the walls of Buda. Vizard. Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at home-Make your addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour and courage. Colonel S. Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchess-I warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling-Had I used the stratagem of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might suc ceed. Vizard. What was it, pray? Colonel S. Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always turned his back upon the enemy. He was a man of honour for the ladies. Vizard. Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you must get a mistress. Colonel S. Pr'ythee, no more on't-You have awakened a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once.- -To be plain, I have a mistress. Vizard. And she's cruel? Colonel S. No. Vizard. Her parents prevent your happiness? Colonel S. Not that. Vizard. Then she has no fortune? Colonel S. A large one. Beauty to tempt all man, kind, and virtue to beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! such a creature! Enter SIR HARRY WILDAIR, crosses the Stage singing, with FOOTMEN after him. Heyday! who the devil have we here? Vizard. The joy of the playhouse, and life of the park; Sir Harry Wildair, newly come from Paris. Colonel S. Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a volunteer some three or four years ago? Vizard. The same. Colonel S. Why, he behaved himself very bravely. Vizard. Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety are inconsistent? He's a gentleman of most happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has had a genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of teachers, and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution being never ruffled by misfortune, nor stinted in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining to others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into gaiety of humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice with his friends, than be hated by any; as you shall see. Enter SIR HARRY WILDAIR. Sir H. Ha, Vizard! Vizard. Sir Harry! Sir H. Who thought to find you out of the Rubric so long? I thought thy hypocrisy had been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago.-Sir, if I mistake not your face, your name is Standard? Colonel S. Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant. C |