course with other young fellows, these have runs counter to that of the place wherein each some piece of riband, a broken fan, we live: for in love there are no doctors, or an old girdle, which they play with and we all profess so high a passion, that while they talk of the fair person remem- we admit of no graduates in it. Our prebered by each respective token. Accord- sidentship is bestowed according to the ing to the representation of the matter dignity of the passion; our number is unfrom my letters, the company appear like limited; and our statutes are like those of so many players rehearsing behind the the Druids, recorded in our own breasts scenes; one is sighing and lamenting his only, and explained by the majority of the destiny in beseeching terms, another de- company. A mistress, and a poem in her claiming he will break his chain, and an- praise, will introduce any candidate. Withother, in dumb-show, striving to express out the latter no one can be admitted; for his passion by his gesture. It is very ordi- he that is not in love enough to rhyme, is nary in the assembly for one of a sudden to unqualified for our society. To speak disrise and make a discourse concerning his respectfully of any woman is expulsion passion in general, and describe the tem- from our gentle society. As we are at preper of his mind in such a manner, as that sent all of us gown-men, instead of duelthe whole company shall join in the de- ling when we are rivals. we drink together scription, and feel the force of it. In this the health of our mistress. The manner case, if any man has declared the violence of doing this sometimes indeed creates deof his flame in more pathetic terms, he is bates; on such occasions we have recourse made president for that night, out of re-to the rules of love among the ancients. spect to his superior passion. "Nævia sex cyathis, septem Justina bibatur." Mart. Epig. i. 72. We had some years ago in this town a set of people who met and dressed like lovers, and were distinguished by the name of the Fringe-glove club; but they were persons of such moderate intellects, even before they were impaired by their passion, that their irregularities could not furnish sufficient variety of folly to afford daily new impertinences; by which means that institution dropped. These fellows could express their passion in nothing but their dress; but the Oxonians are fantastical now they are lovers, in proportion to their learning and understanding before they became such. The thoughts of the ancient poets on this agreeable frenzy are translated in honour of some modern beauty; and Chloris is won to-day by the same compliment that was made to Lesbia a thousand years ago. But as far as I can learn, the patron of the club is the renowned Don Quixote. The adventures of that gentle knight are frequently mentioned in the society under the colour of laughing at the passion and themselves but at the same time, though they are sensible of the extravagancies of that unhappy warrior, they do not observe, that to turn an the reading of the best and wisest writings into rhapsodies of love, is a frenzy no less diverting than that of the aforesaid accomplished Spaniard. A gentleman who, I No. 3] Thursday, April 5, 1711. hope, will continue his correspondence, is lately admitted into the fraternity, and sent me the following letter: "Six cups to Navia, to Justina seven." This method of a glass to every letter of her name, occasioned the other night a dispute of some warmth. A young student who is in love with Mrs. Elizabeth Dimple, was so unreasonable as to begin her health under the name of Elizabetha; which so exasperated the club, that by common consent we retrenched it to Betty. does not sigh five times in a quarter of an We look upon a man as no company that hour; and look upon a member as very absurd, that is so much himself as to make a whole assembly is made up of absent men, direct answer to a question. In fine, the that is, of such persons as have lost their locality, and whose minds and bodies never keep company with one another. As I am an unfortunate member of this distracted society, you cannot expect a very regular account of it; for which reason I hope you will pardon me that I so abruptly subscribe myself, Sir, your most obedient humble T. L. servant, 'SIR---Since I find you take notice of clubs, I beg leave to give you an account of one in Oxford, which you have no where mentioned, and perhaps never heard of. We distinguish ourselves by the title of the Amorous Club, are all votaries of Cupid, and admirers of the fair sex. The reason that we are so little known in the world, is the secrecy which we are obliged to live under in the university. Our constitution 'I forgot to tell you, that Albina, who has six votaries in this club, is one of your readers.' R. Sit mihi fas audita loqui— Virg. Æn. vi. 266. LAST night, upon my going into a coffee- of listeners with the project of an opera, which he told us had not cost him above two or three mornings in the contrivance, and which he was ready to put in execution, provided he might find his account in it. He said that he had observed the great trouble and inconvenience which ladies were at, in travelling up and down to the several shows that are exhibited in different quarters of the town. The dancing monkeys are in one place; the puppetshow in another; the opera in a third; not to mention the lions, that are almost a whole day's journey from the politer part of the town. By this means people of figure are forced to lose half the winter, after their coming to town, before they have seen all the strange sights about it. In order to remedy this great inconvenience, our projector drew out of his pocket the scheme of an opera, entitled "The Expedition of Alexander the Great;' in which he had disposed all the remarkable shows about town, among the scenes and decorations of his piece. The thought, he confessed, was not originally his own, but that he had taken the hint of it from several performances which he had seen upon our stage: in one of which there was a rareeshow; in another a ladder-dance; and in others a posture-man, a moving picture, with many curiosities of the like nature. elephant, and is to be encountered by Powell, representing Alexander the Great, upon a dromedary, which nevertheless Mr. Powell is desired to call by the name of Bucephalus. Upon the close of this great decisive battle, when the two kings are thoroughly reconciled, to show the mutual friendship and good correspondence that reigns between them, they both of them go together to a puppet-show, in which the ingenious Mr. Powell, junior, may have an opportunity of displaying his whole art of machinery, for the diversion of the two monarchs. Some at the table urged, that a puppet-show was not a suitable entertainment for Alexander the Great; and that it might be introduced more properly, if we suppose the conqueror touched upon that part of India which is said to be inhabited by the pygmies. But this objection was looked upon as frivolous, and the proposal immediately overruled. Our projector further added, that after the reconciliation of these two kings, they might invite one another to dinner, and either of them entertain his guest with the German artist, Mr, Pinkethman's heathen gods, or any of the like diversions, which shall then chance to be in vogue. This project was received with very great applause by the whole table. Upon which the undertaker told us, that he had This Expedition of Alexander opens not yet communicated to us above half his with his consulting the oracle at Delphos, design; for that Alexander being a Greek, in which the dumb conjuror, who has been it was his intention that the whole opera visited by so many persons of quality of should be acted in that language, which late years, is to be introduced as telling his was a tongue he was sure would wonderfortune. At the same time Clinch of Bar- fully please the ladies, especially when it net is represented in another corner of the was a little raised and rounded by the Ionic temple, as ringing the bells of Delphos, for dialect; and could not but be acceptable joy of his arrival. The tent of Darius is to to the whole audience, because there are be peopled by the ingenious Mrs. Salmon, fewer of them who understand Greek than where Alexander is to fall in love with a Italian. The only difficulty that remainpiece of wax-work that represents the ed was how to get performers, unless we beautiful Statira. When Alexander comes could persuade some gentlemen of the uniinto that country, in which Quintus Cur-versities to learn to sing, in order to qualify tus tells us the dogs were so exceeding themselves for the stage; but this objection fierce, that they would not loose their soon vanished, when the projector informhold, though they were cut to pieces limbed us that the Greeks were at present the by limb, and that they would hang upon their prey by their teeth when they had nothing but a mouth left, there is to be a scene of Hockley-in-the-Hole, in which is to be represented all the diversions of that place, the bull-baiting only excepted, which cannot possibly be exhibited in the theatre, by reason of the lowness of the roof. The several woods in Asia, which Alexander must be supposed to pass through, will give the audience a sight of monkeys dancing upon ropes, with many other pleasantries of that ludicrous species. At the same time, if there chance to be any strange animals in town, whether birds or beasts, they may be either let loose among the woods, or driven across the stage by some of the country people of Asia. In the last great battle, Pinkethman is to personate King Porus upon an only musicians in the Turkish empire, and that it would be very easy for our factory at Smyrna to furnish us every year with a colony of musicians, by the opportunity of the Turkey fleet; besides, says he, if we want any single voice for any lower part in the opera, Lawrence can learn to speak Greek, as well as he does Italian, in a fortnight's time. The projector having thus settled matters to the good-liking of all that heard him, he left his seat at the table, and planted himself before the fire, where I had unluckily taken my stand for the convenience of overhearing what he said. Whether he had observed me to be more attentive than ordinary, I cannot tell, but he had not stood by me above a quarter of a minute, but he turned short upon me on a sudden, and catching me by a button of with a recommendatory description of his phiz; and though our constitution has made no particular provision for short faces, yet his being an extraordinary case, I believe we shall find a hole for him to creep in at; for I assure you he is not against the canon; and if his sides are as compact as his joles, he need not disguise himself to make one of us." I presently called for the paper, to see how you looked in print; and after we had regaled ourselves awhile upon the plea my coat, attacked me very abruptly after | world his sincere desire to be a member, the following manner. Besides, Sir, I have heard of a very extraordinary genius for music that lives in Switzerland, who has so strong a spring in his fingers, that he can make the board of an organ sound like a drum, and if I could but procure a subscription of about ten thousand pounds every winter, I would undertake to fetch him over, and oblige him by articles to set every thing that should be sung upon the English stage.' After this he looked full in my face, expecting I would make an an-sant image of our proselyte, Mr. President swer, when, by good luck, a gentleman that had entered the coffee-house since the projector applied himself to me, hearing him talk of his Swiss compositions, cried out in a kind of laugh, 'Is our music then to receive further improvements from Switzerland!' This alarmed the projector, who immediately let go my button, and turned about to answer him. I took the opportunity of the diversion which seemed to be made in favour of me, and laying down my penny upon the bar, retired with some precipitation. C. Nil illi larva aut tragicis opus esse cothurnis. He wants no tragic vizor to increase THE late discourse concerning the statutes of the Ugly club, having been so well received at Oxford, that contrary to the strict rules of the society, they have been so partial as to take my own testimonial, and admit me into that select body; I could not restrain the vanity of publishing to the world the honour which is done me. It is no small satisfaction that I have given occasion for the President's showing both his invention and reading to such advantage as my correspondent reports he did: but it is not to be doubted there were many very proper hums and pauses in his harangue, which lose their ugliness in the narration, and which my correspondent (begging his pardon) has no very good talent at representing. I very much approve of the contempt the society has of beauty. Nothing ought to be laudable in a man, in which his will is not concerned; therefore our society can follow nature, and where she has thought fit, as it were, to mock herself, we can do so too, and be merry upon the oc casion. MR. SPECTATOR,-Your making public the late trouble I gave you, you will find to have been the occasion of this. Who should I meet at the coffee-house door the other night, but my old friend Mr. President! I saw somewhat had pleased him; and as soon as he had cast his eye upon me, "Oho, doctor, rare news from London," says he; "the Spectator has made honourable mention of the club (man,) and published to the told me I should be his stranger at the next night's club; where we were no sooner come, and pipes brought, but Mr. President began a harangue upon your introduction to my epistle, setting forth with no less volubility of speech, than strength of reason, "That a speculation of this nature was what had been long and much wanted; and that he doubted not but it would be of inestimable value to the public, in reconciling even of bodies and souls; in composing and quieting the minds of men under all corporal redundancies, deficiencies, and irregularities whatsoever; and making every one sit down content in his own carcass, though it were not perhaps so mathematically put together as he could wish." And again, "How that for want of a due consideration of what you first advance, viz. That cur faces are not of our own choosing, people had been transported beyond all good breeding, and hurried themselves into unaccountable and fatal extravagancies; as been censured and calumniated, nay, and how many impartial looking-glasses had sometimes shivered into ten thousand splinters, only for a fair representation of the truth? How many head-strings and garters had been made accessary, and actually forfeited, only because folks must needs quarrel with their cwn shadows? And who," continues he, "but is deeply sensible, that misery of human life, especially amongst one great source of the uneasiness and those of distinction, arises from nothing in the world else, but too severe a contemplation of an indefeasible contexture of our external parts, or certain natural and invincible dispositions to be fat or lean? when a little more of Mr. Spectator's philosophy would take off all this. In the mean time let them observe, that there is not one of their grievances of this sort, but perhaps, in some ages of the world, has been highly in vogue, and may be so again; nay, in some country or other, ten to one, is so at this day. My Lady Ample is the most miserable woman in the world, purely of her own making. She even grudges herself meat and drink, for fear she should thrive by them; and is constantly crying out, “In a quarter of a year more I shall be quite out of all manner of shape!" Now the lady's misfortune seems to be only this, that she is planted in a wrong soil; for go but to the other side of the water, it is a jest at Haer your own certificate, it was every body's lem to talk of a shape under eighteen stone. *Dryden in his plates to his translation of Virgil, caused Æneas to be represented with a Roman nose, in compliment to King William III Your obliged humble servant, 'Oxford, March 21.' 'A. C.' R. Saturday, April 7, 1711. Fervidus tecum puer, et solutis Hor. Lib. 1. Od. xxx. 5. Creech. The graces with their zones unloos'd; The nymphs their beauties all expos'd; From every spring, and every plain; Thy pow'rful, hot, and winged boy; And youth, that's dull without thy joy; And Mercury compose thy train. A FRIEND of mine has two daughters, whom I will call Lætitia and Daphne; the former is one of the greatest beauties of the age in which she lives, the latter no way remarkable for any charms in her person. Upon this one circumstance of their outward form, the good and ill of their life seems to turn. Lætitia has not, from her very childhood, heard any thing else but commendations of her features and complexion, by which means she is no other than nature made her, a very beautiful outside. The consciousness of her charms has rendered her insupportably vain and insolent towards all who have to do with her. Daphne, who was almost twenty before one civil thing had been said to her, found herself obliged to acquire some accomplish 'Monsieur St. Evremond has concluded one of his essays with affirming, that the last sighs of a handsome woman are not so much for the loss of her life, as of her beauty. Perhaps this raillery is pursued too far, yet it is turned upon a very obvious for her own beauty, and that she values it as her favourite distinction. From hence it is that all arts, which pretend to improve or preserve it, meet with so general a reception among the sex. To say nothing of many false helps and contraband wares of beauty, which are daily vended in this great mart, there is not a maiden gentlewoman of a good family, in any county of South Britain, who has not heard of the virtues of May-dew, or is unfurnished with some receipt or other in favour of her complexion; and I have known a physician of learning and sense, after eight years study in the university, and a course of travels into most countries of Europe, owe the first raising of his fortune to a cosmetic wash. "This has given me occasion to consider how so universal a disposition in womankind, which springs from a laudable motive, the desire of pleasing, and proceeds upon an opinion, not altogether groundless, that nature may be helped by art, may be turned to their advantage. And, methinks, it would be an acceptable service to take them out of the hands of quacks and pretenders, and to prevent their imposing upon themselves, by discovering to them the true secret and art of improving beauty. ments to make up for the want of those which reason I shall recommend the folattractions which she saw in her sister.lowing extract out of a friend's letter to the Poor Daphne was seldom submitted to in a professed beauties, who are a people almost debate wherein she was concerned; her dis-as unsufferable as the professed wits. course had nothing to recommend it but the good sense of it, and she was always under a necessity to have very well considered what she was to say before she uttered it; while Lætitia was listened to with partiality, and approbation sat in the countenances of those she conversed with, before she com-remark, that woman's strongest passion is municated what she had to say. These causes have produced suitable effects, and Lætitia is as insipid a companion as Daphne is an agreeable one. Lætitia, confident of favour, has studied no arts to please; Daphne, despairing of any inclination towards her person, has depended wholly on her merit. Lætitia has always something in her air that is sullen, grave, and disconsolate. Daphne has a countenance that appears cheerful, open, and unconcerned. A young gentleman saw Lætitia this winter at a play, and became her captive. His fortune was such, that he wanted very little introduction to speak his sentiments to her father. The lover was admitted with the utmost freedom into the family, where a constrained behaviour, severe looks, and distant civilities, were the highest favours he could obtain of Lætitia; while Daphne used him with the good humour, familiarity, and innocence of a sister: insomuch that he would cften say to her, 'Dear Daphne, wert thou but as handsome as Lætitia. She received such language with that ingenuous and pleasing mirth, which is natural to a woman without design. He still sighed in vain for Lætitia, but found certain relief in the agreeable conversation of Daphne. At length, heartily tired with the haughty impertinence of Lætitia, and charmed with the repeated instances of good-humour he had observed in Daphne, he one day told the latter, that he had something to say to her he hoped she would be pleased with-Faith, Daphne,' continued he, "I am in love with thee, and despise thy sister sincerely.' The manner of his declaring himself, gave his mistress occasion for a very hearty laughter. 'Nay,' says he, I knew you would laugh at me, but I will ask your father.' He did so; the father received his intelligence with no less joy than surprise, and was very glad he had now no care left but for his beauty, 'From these few principles, thus laid which he thought he could carry to market down, it will be easy to prove, that the true at his leisure. I do not know any thing that art of assisting beauty consists in embellishhas pleased me so much a great while, as ing the whole person by the proper ornathis conquest of my friend Daphne's. All ments of virtuous and commendable qualiher acquaintance congratulate her upon her ties. By this help alone it is, that those chance-medley, and laugh at that premedi- who are the favourite work of nature, or, tating murderer her sister. As it is an as Mr. Dryden expresses it, the porcelain argument of a light mind, to think the clay of human kind, become animated, and worse of ourselves for the imperfections of are in a capacity of exerting their charms; our persons, it is equally below us to value and those who seem to have been neglectourselves upon the advantages of them.ed by her, like models wrought in haste, The female world seem to be almost incor- are capable in a great measure of finishing rigibly gone astray in this particular; for what she has left imperfect. In order to do this, before I touch upon it directly, it will be necessary to lay down a few preliminary maxims, viz. "That no woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she can be witty only by the help of speech. 'That pride destroys all symmetry and grace, and affectation is a more terrible enemy to fine faces than the small-pox. That no woman is capable of being beautiful, who is not incapable of being false. And, That what would be odious in a friend, is deformity in a mistress. |