It can't be by heavens, it is, that fretful porcupine, my wife! I can't stand it; what shall I do, I'll try to avoid her. Enter TAG. Tag. It must be he! I'll swear to the rogue at a mile's distance; he either has not seen me, or won't know me; if I can keep my temper, I'll try him farther. Puff. I sweat-I tremble-She comes upon me! Puff. I have nothing for you, good woman, don't trouble me. Tag. If your honour pleases to look this way Puff. The kingdom is over-run with beggars; I suppose the last I gave to has sent this; but I have no more loose silver about me; so pr'ythee, woman, don't disturb me. Tag. I can hold no longer; oh, you villain, you! where have you been, scoundrel? do you know me now, varlet? [Seizes bim. Puff. Here, watch, watch, zounds I shall have my pocket pick'd. - Tag. Own me this minute, hang-dog, and confess every thing, or by the rage of an injured woman, I'll raise the neighbouroood, throttle you, and send you to Newgate. Puff. Amazement! what, my own dear Tag! Come to my arms, and let me press you to my heart, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true and lawful wife.-Now my stars have over-paid me for the fatigue and dangers of the field; I have wandered about like Achilles in search of faithful Penelope, and the Gods have brought me to this happy spot.. [Embraces ber. Tag. The fellow's crack'd for certain! Leave your bombastic stuff, and tell me, rascal, why you left me, and where you have been these six months, heh? Puff. We'll reserve my adventures for our happy winter evenings-I shall only tell you now, that my heart beats so strong in my country's cause, and being instigated either by honour or the devil, (I can't tell which) I set out for Flanders, to gather laurels, and lay 'em at thy feet. Tag. You left me to starve, villain, and beg my bread, you did so. Puff. I left you too hastily I must confess, and often has my conscience stung me for it.-I am got into an officer's service, have been in several actions, gain'd some credit by by my behaviour, and am now return'd with my master to indulge the genteeler passions. Tag. Don't think to sob me off with this nonsensical talk; what have you brought me home besides? Puff. Honour and immoderate love. Tag. I could tear your eyes out. Tag. Temperance, traitor, temperance! what can you say for yourself; leave me to the wide world Puff. Well I have been in the wide world too, han't I? what would the woman have? Tag. Reduce me to the necessity of going to service. [Cries. Puff. Why, I'm in service too, your lord and master an't I you saucy jade, you? Come, where dost thou live,. hereabouts? hast got good vails? dost go-to market? Come, give me a kiss, darling, and tell me where I shall pay my duty to thee. Tag. Why there I live at that honse. [Pointing at the bouse Jasper came out of. Puff. What, there? that house? Tag. Yes, there that house. Puff. Huzza! we're made for ever, you slut you u! huzza! every thing conspires this day to make me happy-Prepare for an inundation of joy! my master is in love with your Miss Biddy over head and ears, and she with him I know she is courted by some old fumbler, and her aunt is not against the match; but now we are come, the town will be reliev'd, and the governor brought over; in plain English, our fortune is made; my master must marry the lady, and the old gentleman may go to the devil. Tag. Heyday! what's all this? Puff. Say no more, the dice are thrown, doubtless for us; away to your young mistress, while I run to my master, tell her Rhodophil! Rhodophil! will be with her immediately; then if her blood does not mount to her face like quick-silver in a weather-glass, and point to extreme hot, believe the whole a lye, and your husband no politician. Tag. This is news indeed! I have had the place but a little while, and have not quite got into the secrets of the family; but part of your story is true, and if you bring: your your master, and miss is willing, I warrant we'll be too hard for the old folks. Puff. I'll about it streight!-but hold, Tag, I had forgot-Pray how does Mr Jasper do? Tag. Mr Jasper! what do you mean? I—I—I Puff. What out of countenance, child? Oh fy! Speak plain, my dear- -And the certificate, when comes that heh, love? Tag. He has sold himself, and turn'd conjurer, or he could never have known it. [Aside. Puff. Are not you a jade? Are not you a JezebelArn't you a Tag. O ho, temperance? or I walk off Puff. I know I'm not finished yet, and so am easy; but more thanks to my fortune than your virtue, madam. Aunt. [within. Tag, Tag, where are you Tag? Tag. Coming, madam.My old lady calls; away to your master, and I'll prepare his reception within. Puff. Shall I bring the certificate with me? [Exit. Tag. Go, you graceless rogue, you richly deserve it.. SCENE, changes to a Chamber. Enter AUNT and TAG. [Exit. Aunt. Who was that man you were talking too, Tag? Tag. A cousin of mine, madam, that brought me news from my aunt in the country. Aunt. Where's my niece? why are not you with her? madam; I don't know what's come to her of late Aunt. The thoughtfulness that is natural upon the approach of matrimony, generally occasions a decent concern. Tag. And do you think, madam, a husband of threescore and five Aunt. Hold, Tag, he protests to me, he is but fifty and five. Tag. He is a rogue, madam, and an old rogue, which is the worst of rogues. Aunt. Alas! youth or age, 'tis all one to her; she is all simplicity without experience; but she's so innocent she won't know the difference Tag. Tag. Innocent! ne'er trust to that, madam; I was innocent myself once, but live and learn is an old saying, and a true one; I believe, madam, nobody is more innocent than yourself, and a good maid you are to be sure; but tho' you really don't know the difference, yet you can fancy it, I warrant you. Aunt. I should prefer a large jointure to a small one, and that's all but it's impossible that Biddy should have desires, she's but newly come out of the country, and just turn'd of sixteen: ' Tag. That's a ticklish age, madam! I have observ'd she does not eat, nor she does not sleep: she sighs, and she cries, she loves moon-light; these I take it are very strong symptoms. Aunt. They are very unaccountable, I must confess; but you talk from a deprav'd inind, Tag: her's is simple, and untainted. Tag. She'll make him a cuckold tho' for all that, if you force her to marry him. Aunt. You shock me Tag, with your coarse expressions, I tell you, her chastity will be her guard, let her husband be what he will. Tag. Chastity? never trust to that, madam; get her a husband that's fit for her, and I'll be bound for her vistną; but with such a one as Sir Simeon, I'm a rogue if I'd answer for my own. Aunt. Well, Tag, the child shall never have reason to repent of my severity; I was going before to my lawyer's to speak about the articles of marriage, I will now put a stop to'em for some time, till we can make further discoveries. Tag. Heaven will bliss you for your goodness; look where the poor bird comes, quite mop'd and melancholy; I'll set my pump to work, and draw some thing from her before you return, I warrant vou. [Exit Aunt.] There goes a miracle; she has neither pride, envy, or ill nature, and yet is near sixty and a virgin, Enter BIDDY. Bid. How unfortunate a poor girl am I? dare not tell my secrets to any body, and if I don't I'm undone-Heighho! [sighs.] Pray Tag, is my aunt gone to her lawyer about me? Heigho! Tag. 1 Tag. What's that sigh for my dear young mistress? Tag. Nay never gulp 'em down, they are the worst things you can swallow. There's something in that little heart of yours, that swells it and puffs it, and will burst it at last if you don't give it vent. Bid. What would you have me tell you? [sighs] Tag. Come, come, you are afraid I'll betray you, but you had as good speak, I may do you some service you little think of. Bid. It is not in your power Tag, to give me what I want. [sighs] Tag. Not directly, perhaps; but I may be the means of helping you to it; as for example-If you should not like to marry the old man your aunt designs for you, one may find a way to break Bid. His neck, Tag? Tag. Or the match either; will do, child. Bid. I don't care which indeed, so I was clear of him.I don't think I'm fit to be marry'd, Tag. To him you mean You have no objection to marriage, but the man, and I applaud you for it; but come courage, miss, never keep it in, out with it all Bid. If you'll ask me any questions, I'll answer 'em, but I can't tell you any thing of myself, I shall blush if İ do.. Tag. Well then-In the first place pray tell me, Miss Biddy Bellair, if you don't like somebedy better than old Simeon Loveit? Bid. Heigho! Tag. What's heigho, miss? Bid. When I say heigho! it means yes. Tag: Very well; and this somebody is a young handsome fellow? Bid. Heigho! Tag. And if you were once his, you'd be as merry as the best of us." Bid. Heigho! Tag. So far so good; and since I have got you to wet your feet, souse over head at once, and the pain will be over. Bid. There then.-(A long sigb.) now help me out Tag, as fast as you can. Tag |