The Ancient British Drama ...

Pard. And what helpeth skyll, where is no wil ?108 Pot. For wyll or skyll what helpeth it, Where frowarde knaves be lackynge wit ?109 Leve off thys curiositie;

And who that lyste, synge after me.

[Here they synge.
Ped. Thys lyketh me wel, so mot I the.
Pard. So helpe me God, it lyketh nat me.
Where company is met, and well agreed,
Good pastyme dooth ryght well indede.
But who can syt in dalyaunce,
Men set in suche a variaunce?
As we were set, or 110 ye came in,
Whiche stryfe thys man dyd fyrst begynne;
Alledgynge, that suche men as use,
For love of God, and not "I refuse
On fot to goo, from place to place,
A pylgrimage, callynge for grace,
Shall in that payne with penitence,
Obtayne discharge of conscyence;
Comparynge that lyfe for the beste
Enduccion to your endless rest.
Upon these workes our mater grewe;
For yf he could avow them true,
As good to be a gardener,
As for to be a Pardoner.

But when I harde hym so farre wyde,
I then aproched, and replyed:
Sayenge this, that this 112 indulgence,
Havyng the foresaid penitence,
Dyschargeth man of all offence,

With muche more profyt then this pretence.
I aske but two pens at the moste;

I wys this is nat very great coste,
And from 3 all payne without dyspayre,
My soule for his kepe 113 even his chayre,
And when he dyeth, he may be sure
To come to heven even at plesure.
And more then heven he can 114 nat get,
How farre so ever he lyste to jet.
Then is hys payne more then hys wit,
To walkes to heven, syns he may syt.
Syr, as we were in this contencion,
In came thys daw with hys invencyon;
Revelynge us, himselfe avauntynge,
That all the soules to heven assendynge,
Are most bounde to the Poticary,
Bycause he helpeth moste men to dye;
Before whiche deth, he sayeth in dede,
No soule in heven can have hys mede.
Ped. Why? do Poticaries kyll men?

Pot. By God! men say so now and then. Ped. And I thought ye wolde nat have myst, To make them lyve as longe as ye lyste.

Pot. As longe as we lyste? nay, as longe as
they can.

Ped. So myght we lyve without you than.
Pot. Ye; but yet it is 116 necessary
For to have a Poticary;

For, when ye fele your conscyens redy,
I can sende you to heven very "17 quyckly.
Wherfore, concernynge our mater here,
Above these twayne I am best, clere;
And yf ye lyste to take me so,

I am content; you, and no mo

Shal be our judge, as in thys case,

Whiche of us thre shall take the best place.

Ped. I neyther wyll judge the beste nor worste;
For be ye bleste, or be ye curste,
Ye know it is no whyt my sleyght,
To be a judge in maters of weyght.
It behoveth no Pedlers, nor proctours,
To take on them judgemente as doctours;
But yf your myndes be onely set

To worke for soule helthe, ye be well met;
For eche of you somwhat doth showe

That soules towarde heven by you doe growe.
Then yf ye can so well agree,

To contynue togyther all thre;
And all you thre obay one wyll,
Then all your myndes ye may fulfyll.
As yf ye came all to one man,

Who shulde goo pylgrymage 118 more then he can!
In that ye Palmer, as debite,

May clerely dyscharde hym, parde.

And for all other syns ones had contryssyon,
Your pardons geveth hym full remyssyon.
And then ye Mayster Poticary,

May sende hym to heven by and by.

Pot. Yf he taste this boxe nye aboute the pryme,
By the masse, he is in heven or even-songe tyme!
My craft is suche, that I can ryght well,
Sende my fryndes to heven, and myselfe to hell.
But, syrs, marke this man, for he is wyse;
Who 119 coulde devyse suche a devyse?

For yf we thre may be as one,
Then be we 120 lordes everych one;
Betwene us all coulde nat be myste,
To save the soules of whome we lyste,
But, for good order, at a worde,
Twayne of us must wayte on the thyrde.
And unto that I do agree,

For bothe you twayne shall wayt on me. Pard. What chaunce is this, that suche an elf Commaund two knaves beside himself? Nay, nay, my frende, that wyll nat be; I am to good to wayt on the.

Palm. By our Lady, and I wolde be loth To wayt on the better of you both!

122

Ped. Yet, be ye sewer, for all thys dout, This waytynge must be brought about. Men cannat prosper wylfully ledde; All things decay where is no hedde. Wherfore, doubtlesse, marke what I say, To one of you thre twayne must obey. And, synes ye cannat agree in voyce, Who shall be hed, there is no choyce, But to devyse some maner of thynge, Wherin ye all be lyke connynge: And in the same who can do bestc, The other twayne to make them preste, In every thynge of hys entente, Holy to be at commaundement. And now have I founde one mastry, That ye can do indyfferently;

123

And is nother sellynge nor byenge,
But evyn onely very lyeng:
And all ye thre can lye as well,
As can the falsest devyll in hell.

124

And though, afore, ye harde me grudge
In greater maters to be your judge;
Yet in lyeng I can beste.some skyll,
And yf I shall be judge, I.wyll.
And be you sure, without flattery,

Where my consciens fyndeth the mastrye,
Ther shall my judgement strayt be founde,
Though I myght wynne a thousande pounde.
Palm. Syr, for lyeng, though I can do it,

Yet am I loth for to goo to it.

And you in lyeng be well spedde,
For all your craft doth stande in falshed.
Ye nede nat care who shall begyn;
For eche of you may hope to wyn.
Now speke all thre evyn as ye fynde,
Be ye agreed to folowe my mynde ?
Palm. Ye, by my troth, I am contente.
Pard. Now, in good fayth, and I assente.
Pot. If I denyed, I were a nody;
For all is myne, by Goddes body.

[Here the Poticary hoppeth: Palm. Here were a hopper to hop for the rynge! But, syr, 128 this gere goth nat by hoppynge.

Pot. Syr, in this hoppynge I wyll hop so well, That my tonge shall hop better 129 then my hele: Upon whiche hoppynge, I hope and not doute it, To hop 130 so that ye shall hop 131 without it.

Palm. Syr, I wyll neyther boste ne brawll,
But take suche fortune as may fall;
And yf ye wynne this maystery,
I wyli obaye you quietly;

And sure I thynke that quietnesse
In any man is great richesse.

In any manner of company,

To rule or be ruled 132 indifferently.

Pard. By that bost thou semest a begger indede; What can thy quietnesse helpe us at nede? Yf we shulde starve, thou hast nat, I thynke, One peny to bye us one potte of drynke. Nay, yf richesse myghte rule the roste, Beholde what cause I have to boste: Lo, here be 133 pardons halfe a dosyn, For gostely ryches they have no cosyn; And moreover to me they brynge Sufficient succour for my lyvynge. And here be 134 relykes of suche a kynde, As in this worlde no man can 135 fynde.

Ped. Ye have no 125 cause to fear: Be bolde; 126 Knele down all thre, and when ye leve kyssynge,

For ye may here 127 lie uncontrolde.

And ye in this have good avauntage, For lyeng is your comen usage.

Who lyst to offer shall have my blyssynge. Frendes, here shall ye se evyn anone,

Of All-hallowes, the blessyd jaw-bone,"

136

ん

121 For bothe, &c.-First edition reads,

"For bothe you twayne shall wayt on me.
What chaunce is this, that suche an elfe
Commaunded two knaves besyde hymselfe."

122 Things decay-thynge decayed, 1st edit.

123 Holy-Holly, 1st edit.

124 One mastry-i. e. one magisterium; a chemical term, expressive of the highest powers of transmu tation, and sometimes used for any masterly performance. S.

125 No-pot, 1st edit.

126 Be bolde-beholde, edit. 1569.

127 May here-may here, 1st edit.; may lie, edit. 1569.

128 Syr-sirs, edit. 1569.

130 Hop-hope, 1st edit.

132 Be ruled-to be rulde, edit. 1569.

134 Be-are, edit. 1569.

129 Better-as well as, 1st edit.

131 Hop-hope, 1st edit.

133 Here be here are, edit. 1569. 135 Can-may, edit. 1569.

136 All-hallowes, the blessyd jaw-bone-All- hallowes is All-saints. Mr Steevens, in his Note on The First Part of King Henry IV. A. 1. S. 2. remarks on the absurdity of appropriating a word formed to express a community of saints to a particular one of the number,

Kysse it hardely with good devocion.
Pot. Thys kysse shall brynge us much promo-

cyon.

Fogh, by Saynt Savyour I never kyst a wars;
Ye were as good kysse All-hallowe's ars;
For by All-hallowes, yet me thynketh,
That All-hallowe's breth styuketh.

Palm. Ye judge All-hallowes breth unknowen; Yf any breth stynke, it is your owne.

Pot. I knowe myne owne breth from All-hal-
lowes,

Or els it were tyme to kisse the galows.
Pard. Nay, sirs, beholde, here may ye se
The great
toe of the Triuitye,
Who to thys toe any money voweth,
And ones may role it in his moueth,
All hys lyfe after, I undertake,

37 He shall never be vext with the tooth ake.
Pot. I praye you torne that relyke aboute;
Either 138 the Trinite had the goute,
Or elles, bycause it is three toes in one,
God made it asmuche 139 as thre toes alone.
Pard. Well, lette that passe, and loke upon thys;
Here is a relyke that doth nat mys
To helpe the leste as well as the moste:
This is a buttocke-bone of Pentecoste.

140

142

Pot. By Chryste, and yet for all your boste,
This relyke hath beshyten the roste.
Pard. Mark well thys; thys relyke here is a
whipper,
My frendes unfayned, here 141 is a slypper
Of one of the seven slepers be sure;
Doutlesse thys kysse shall do you great pleasure:
For all these two dayes it shall so ease you,
That none other savours shall displease you.
Pot. All these two dayes! nay, all these 143 two
yere;

For all the savours that may come heer
Can be no worse; for at a worde,
One of the seven slepers trode on a torde.
Ped. Syr, me thynketh your devocion is but
smal.

Pard. Small! mary me thynketh he hath none at all.

Pot. What the devyll care I what ye thinke? Shall I prayse relykes when they styoke?

Pard. Here is an eye-toth of the great Turke: Whose eyes be ones sette on thys pece of worke May happely lese part of his eye-syght, But nat all tyll he be blynde outryght.

Pot. What so ever any man seeth,

I have no devocion unto 144 Turkes teeth:
For although I never sawe a greter,
Yet me thynketh I have sene many better.
Pard. Here is a box ful of humble bees,
That stonge Eve as she sat on her knees
Tastynge the frute to her forbydden:
Who kysseth the bees within this hidden,
Shall have asmuche pardon of ryght,
As for any relyke he kyst this nyght.

Palm. Syr, I will kysse them with all my herte.
Pot. Kysse them agayne, and take my parte,
For I am nat worthy; nay, lette be,
Those bees that stonge Eve shall nat stynge me.
"Pard. Good frendes, I have yet here 145 in thys

146

147

glas, Which on the drynke at the weddynge was Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly: If ye honour this relyke devoutly, Although ye thurste no whyt the lesse, Yet shall ye drynke the more, doubtlesse. After whiche drynkynge ye shal be as mete To stande on your hede as on your fete. Pot. Ye mary, now I con you thanke; In presens of thys the rest be blanke. Wolde God this relyke had come rather; Kysse that relyke well, good father. Suche is the payne that ye Palmers take, To kisse the pardon bowle for the drynke sake. O holy yeste, that loketh full sowr and stale, For Goddes body, helpe me to a cuppe of ale. The more I beholde 148 thee, the more I thurste: The oftener I kysse the, the more lyke to burste. But sins I kysse the so devoutely,

Hyre me and helpe me with drynke tyll I dye. What, so muche prayeing and so lytell spede?

Pard. Ye, for God knoweth when it is nede To sende folkes drynke; but by Saynt Antony,

137 He shall never be vext with the tooth ake-He shall be rid of the tooth ake, 1st edit. 138 Either-Other, 1st edit.

140 Frendes-freend, edit. 1569.

139 Asmuche-muche, 1st edit. 141 Here-this, edit. 1569.

142 One of the seven slepers be sure-These seven sleepers are said to have lived at Ephesus in the time of the Emperor Decian. Being commanded to sacrifice according to the Pagan manner, they fled to a cave in Mount Celyon, where they fell asleep, and continued in that state 372 years, as is asserted by some, though, according to others, only 203 years. They awoke in the reign of the Emperor Theodosian, who, being informed of this extraordinary event, came from Constantinople to see them, and to satisfy himself of the truth of the relation. Having communicated to him the several circumstances of their case, they all, as the Legenda Aurea expresses it, “enclyned theyr hedes to th`erth, and rendred their spyrites at the commau dement of our Lorde Jesu Cryst, and soo deyed." See Legenda Aurea, 196. 143 These-thys, 1st edit.

145 Yett, edit. 1569.

144 To, ist edit. 146 Can, Ist edit.

147 Con you thanke-See Note 34 to Gammer Gurton's Needle, in Dodsley's Old Plays, Vol. II. p. 28. 148 Beholde-see, edit. 1569.

HEYWOOD.]

THE FOUR P's.

I wene he hath sent you to much alredy.
Pot. If I have never the more for the,
Then be thy relykes no ryches to me;
Nor to thy self, excepte they be
More benefycyall then I can se.
Rycher is one boxe of this tryacle,"

149

Then all thy relykes, that do no myrakell.

Here is a medecyn no mo lyke the same,
Whiche comenly is called thus by name,
Alikakabus or Alkagengy:

156

A goodly thynge for dogges that be
Suche be these medycines, that I can
Helpe a dogge as wel as a man.
Nat one thynge here partycularly

If thou haddest prayed but halfe so muche to me, But worketh universally;

As I have prayed to thy relykes and the,
Nothynge concernynge myne occupacion,

150

But streyght shulde have wrought one's operation.
And as in value I pas you an ace,

So here lyeth muche rychesse in a lytell space.
I have a boxe of rebard here,
Whiche is as deynty as it is dere.
So 151 helpe me God, and hollydam,
Of this I woulde not geve a dram

To the beste frende I have in England's grounde,
Though he wolde give me twentie pounde.
For though the stomake do it abhor,
It pourgeth you clene from the coler;
And maketh your stomake sore to walter,
That ye shall never come to the halter.

Ped. Then is that medycyn a soverayn thinge
To preserve a man from hangynge.

Pot. If ye wyll taste but thys crome that ye see,
If ever ye be hanged never truste me.
Here have I Diapompholicus,

A speciall oyntmente, as doctours discuse,
For a fistela or for a canker,

152

Thys oyntment is even shot anker:

153

For this medecyr helpeth one and other,

Or bringeth them in case that they nede no other.
Here is a Syrupus de Byzansis,

A lytell thynge is enough of this;
For even the weyght of one scryppal
Sall 154 make you as strong as a cryppul.
Here are other, as Diosialos,
Diagalanga and Sticados,
Blanka, Manna, Diospoliticon,
Mercury sublyme, and Mitridaticon;
Pelitory and Arse fetita,
Cassy and Colloquintida.

These be's the thynges that breke all stryfe

Betwene manne's syckness and his lyfe.
From all payne these shall you delever,
And set you even at reste for ever.

mangy:

For it doth me as muche good when I sell it,
As all the byers that taste it, or smell it.
Now syns my medycyns be so speciall,
And in one operacion so generall,

And redy to worke when so ever they shall,
So that in ryches I am principall:
If any reward@ may entreat ye,

157

me,

I besech your mast'ship be good to
And ye shall have a boxe of marmelade,
So fyne that you may dyg it with a spade.
Ped. Syr, I thanke you, but your rewarde
Is nat the thynge that I regarde.
I muste and wyll be indifferent:
Wherfore procede in your intente.

Pot. Nowe yf I wyst thys wysh no synne,
I wolde to God I myght begynne.
Pard. I am content that thou lye fyrste.
Palm. Even so am I; now 158
say thy worste.
Now let us here of all thy lyes,
The greatest lye thou mayst devyse,
And in the fewyst wordes thou can.
an honest man.
Pot. Forsooth, ye be 159
Ped. There sayda ye muche, but yet no lye.
Pard. Now lye ye bothe, by our Lady.
Thou lyest in bost of hys honestie;
And he hath lyed in affirminge the.

Pot. Yf we both lye, and ye say true,
Then of these lies your parte adew.
And if ye wyn, make none avaunt;
For you are sure of one yll servaunte:
You may perceyve by the wordes he gave,
He taketh your mashyp 160 but for a knave.
But who tolde truth,11 or lyed in dede,
162 we procede.
That wyll I knowe or
Syr, after that I fyrste began

163

To prayse you for an honest man,
When ye affyrmed it for no lye:
Now, by your 164 fayth, speke even truely;
Thought ye your affyrmacyon true?

149 Tryacle-theriaca, a remedy against poison. Blount.
150 One-in, 1st edit.

151 So-Addition.

152 Thys ointment is even shot anker-I should suppose we ought to read sheet anchor. The sheet anchor is the largest belonging to a ship, and is the last refuge of mariners; for, when that fails to take hold of the ground, the vessel is left at the mercy of the storm.

The sheet anchor was called by the ancients,

154 Sall-Will, edit. 1569.

156 Be-are, edit. 169.

153 Now-and, 1st edit.

160 Your mashyp―i. e. your mastership. S.

162 Or-ere, edit. 1569.

164 Your-our, 1st edit.

Palm. Ye mary, for I wolde ye knewe,

I thynke my selfe an honest man.

Pot. What thought ye in the contrary than?
Pard. In that I sayde the contrary;

I thynke from trouth I dyd nat vary.
Pot. And what of my wordes?
Pard. I thought ye lyed.

Pot. And so thought I, by God that dyed.
Nowe have you twayne eche for hym selfe layde,
That none
165 hath lyed, but bothe true sayd.
And of you twayne none hath denyed,
But bothe affyrmed that I have lyed.
Now syns bothe ye 166 the trouthe confes,
167 How that I lyed, doo bear witnes,
That twain of us may soon agree,
And that the lyer the wyuner must be.
Who coulde provyde suche evydens,
As I have done in this pretens?
Me thynketh this matter sufficient
To cause you to gyve judgement;
And to gyve me the mastrye:

For

ye perceyve these knaves cannat lye.
Palm. Though neyther 16 of us as yet had lyed;
Yet what we can do is untryed.
For as yet we have devysed nothynge,
But answered you, and geven you hearing.

Ped. Therfore I have devysed one waye
Wherby all thre your mindes may saye :
For eche of you one tale shall tell;
And whiche of you telleth most mervell,
And most unlikest 169 to be true,
Shall most prevayle, what ever ensew.

Pot. If ye be set on mervaylinge,
Then shall ye here a mervaylouse thynge.
And though in deed all be nat true,
Yet suer the most parte shall be new.

L dyd a cure no longer ago,
But in Anno Domini Millesimo,
On a woman yonge and so fayre,
That never have I sene a gayre.
God save all women of 17° that lyknes.
This wanton had the fallen syknes,
Whiche by dissent came lynyally,
For her mother had it naturally:
Wherfore this woman to recure
It was more harde ye may be sure.
But though I boste my crafte is suche,
That in suche thynges I can do muche.
How ofte she fell were muche to reporte;
But her hed so gydy and her helys so shorte,
That with the twynglynge of an eye,
Downe wolde she falle evyn by and by:
But or 171 she wolde aryse agayne

I shewed muche practyse muche to my payne;
For the tallest man within thys towne

Could 172
nat with ease have broken her swowne.
Although for lyfe I dyd nat doute her,
Yet I dyd take more paines 173 about her,
| Then I wolde take with mine owne syster:
Syr, at the last I gave her a glyster.

+ I thrust a than.pyon in her tewell,
And bad her kepe it for a jewell.

But I knew there 174* it was to heevy to cary,
That I sure was it wolde nat tary:

For where gonpouder is ones fyerd,
The thampyon there wyll no lenger be hyerd,
Whiche was well sene in tyme of this chaunce;
For when I had charged this ordynaunce,
Sodeynly, as it had thonder'd,

Even at a clap losed her buinberd.175
Now marke, for here begynneth the revell:
This thampion flew ten longe myle levell,

165 None-one, edit. 1569.
167 How, &c.-First edition reads,

166 Ye-your, 1st edit.

And that we both my lye so witnes,
That twayne of us thre in one agree.

168 Neyther-nother, 1st edit.
170 Of-from, 1st edit.
172 Could-Shulde, 1st edit.

169 Unlikest-unfyke, 1st edit.
171 Or-ere, edit. 1569.
173 Paynes-payne, ist edit.

174 I thrust a thampyon in her tewel-The allusion is to gunnery. Thampion (tampon, Fr. a bang, cork, or plug of wood) is now written tompion, and signifies the stopper with which the mouths of cannon are closed up, to prevent the admission of rain, or sea-water, whereby their charges might be rendered incapable of service.-A tewel (tuyau or tuyal, Fr.) is a pipe; and is here used (for the sake of continuing the metaphor) for bore or caliber. Moxon, in his Mechanic Exercises, defines the tewel to be that pipe in a smith's forge into which the nose of the bellows is introduced; and in a MS. fragment, said to be written by Sir Francis Drake, concerning the stores of one of the ships under his command, the word tewel is applied to a gun. S.

In Lambarde's Dictionarium Topographicum et Historicum, p. 129. it is said, " It happened in the reigne of Quene Marye, that the master of a shippe passinge by while the court lay theare, and meaning (as the manner is) with sayle and shot to honour the place, unadvisedly gave fire to a piece charged with a stone instede of a tampion, which, lightinge on the quene's house, ranne through a chamber, and did no further barme."

174 There-Addition in the 2d edit.

175 Bumberd-A piece of ordnance. S.

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