A DAY TOO LATE.

La Fontaine was so absent as to call and visit a friend whose funeral he had attended. He was much surprised at first; but, recollecting himself, said, "It is true enough, for I was there."

COGENT REASON.

A revolutionary mob having got hold of the Abbé Maury, resolved on putting him to death."To the lantern with him!" was the universal cry. The Abbé, with much sang froid, said to those who were dragging him along, "Well! if you hang me to the lantern, will you see any the clearer for it?" And the Abbé was spared.

NARROW ESCAPE OF LORD CASTLEREAGH.

The late Lord Castlereagh was fond of field sports, and frequently beat up the Wicklow hills as far as the house of Counsellor Colback, which, "perched on high, like an eagle's nest," looks over the capital. In these sports he was very successful, and was always proverbial for being a remarkably good shot. Returning one evening in July from the mountains, he was accosted by two men, who inquired the hour; at the same instant one of them seized the double-barrelled fowlingpiece which Lord Castlereagh was carrying. The latter drew a pistol from his pocket, and shot his assailant, who immediately fell. A second pistol having missed fire, another ruffian, springing out from an adjacent ditch, rushed, together with the fellow who was still unhurt, upon his Lordship, who at once began to retreat. At this moment, a person, jumping over the gate which impeded his approach, fired a pistol at one of the robbers, and seizing him instantly by the collar, he, with Lord Castlereagh's assistance, secured this man, while the other made the best use of his time in running off as fast as possible; and to this movement his opponents did not think proper to offer any obstruction. The fellow who had wrested the gun from Lord Castlereagh had received a ball in his neck: he was raised from the ground, and his hands, as well as those of his comrade, having been tied behind, their captors conveyed them to Dundrum, where their wounds were dressed. These offenders were found to belong to the liberty of Dublin; and having casually seen Lord Castlereagh change a two-guinea note at a small public-house, they had determined to commit the above-mentioned daring assault, in order to effect the robbery of their proposed victim. It turned out that the person who appeared so opportunely to aid Lord Castlereagh was Mr. Jennings, a lieutenant in the Navy, then on half-pay. He was returning from a visit when he had the happiness to rescue so valuable a life from the murderers' hands. Jennings was a brave officer, and well worthy of notice; and Lord Castlereagh afterwards presented him with a commission, as commander of the Rose cutter, of 14 uns, and gave him £100 for outfit.

HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

Horne Tooke having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that you shall have no ground to complain of my endeavours to serve you."

STAGE BLUNDERS.

Blunders upon the stage have often relieved a dull play; and it is remarkable, that if one actor stumble, another is almost sure to follow his example. Charles Mathews, if he once blundered in his popular "At Home,” was sure to make many blunders; perchance from his habit of imitation. Two of the most celebrated stage blunders once occurred in the comedy of the "Clandestine Marriage;" when one of the characters saw "a candle go along the gallery with a man in bis hand;" and another "locked the key, and put the door in his pocket."

MISERIES OF RETIREMENT.

It is neither so easy a thing, nor so agreeable a one, as men commonly expect, to dispose of leisure when they retire from the business of the world. Their old occupations cling to them, even when they hope that they have emancipated themselves. Go to any sea-port town, and you will see that the sea-captain, who has retired upon his wellearned savings, sets up a weathercock in fullview from his windows, and watches the variations of the wind as duly as when he was at sea, though no longer with the same anxiety. A tallow-chandler, having amassed a fortune, disposed of his business, and took a house in the country, not far from London, that he might enjoy himself; and, after a few months' trial of a holiday life, requested permission of his successor to come into town and assist him on melting days. The keeper of a retail spirit-shop, having in like manner retired from trade, used to employ himself by having one puncheon filled with water, and measuring it off by pints into another. A butcher, in a small country town, for some little time after he had left off business, informed his old customers that he meant to kill a lamb once a week, just for

amusement.

NO BAD RULE.

"I never go late to a friend's dinner (said Boileau); for I have observed, that when a company is waiting for a man, they make use of the interval to load him with abuse."

SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A sexton in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must be very sharp set.

MILESIAN ADVICE.

"Never be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes."

FOREIGNERS' BLUNDERS. Foreigners in England, or Englishmen on the Continent, blunder in due course. Think of the Frenchman who drank half-and-half because porter was too strorg; thinking this mixture" for the people" to be half water and half porter. Pasta, by the way, to keep herself in full or whole voice, drank halfand-half. On the other side, a Scotchman at Bayonne being asked by a fellow-traveller where he was lodging, replied, "Yonder, at Mr. Bains' (Baths)." In France, when the theatres are closed, bills are printed with the word "relâche" (shut): a wooden-headed machinist, waiting at Paris for a new spec. tacle, often saw this affiche on the columns of the Palais Royal, and one day observed what a successful piece "relâche" must be, since it had been so often played while he had been in Paris.

PRINTERS' BLUNDERS.

Printers' errata are a very numerous class of blunders, and drolleries too, when we remember what havoc a single letter may make. We recollect the question, in the Banks' Committee Evidence before Parliament-"How many nos(t)es were in circulation at that time?" Now and then, an accident turns out well: as, when the printer of Vincent Wing's Almanack told his boy, peevishly, to insert "anything" in the weather column of August-" Snow in harvest," if he liked; he did so, the prediction was realized, and the almanack-maker's fortune secured. Touching literal errors: a gentleman wrote to his country servant, telling him to take a card to a friend, and invite him to dinner; but the valet read cart, and accordingly took that ungentlemanly vehicle across the country for the bidden one; and the blunder broke up the acquaintance. We remember a piece of drollery in O'Connor's "Chronicles of Erin." In the preface the reader is told that the original MSS. on skin rolls were burnt in an accidental fire many hundred years before; and in the work itself the curious are informed that the originals may be seen at the publishers'!

REASONABLE FELLOW.

A notary-public, being condemned to be hanged for forgery, lamented the hardship of his case; that, having written many thousand inoffensive sheets, he should be hanged for one line!

KNIGHTHOOD.

When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him that, probably, the King would knight him. The Admiral did not much relish the honour. "Well, but," said Lord Sandwich, "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it." "Then, let the King knight her," answered the rough sea

man.

A COMMON CASE.

Most persons will agree with Charles Lamb, that it is intolerable to pay for articles you have been used to get for nothing. Thus, "when Adam laid out his first penny upon nonpareils at some stall in Mesopotamia, I think it went hard with him, reflecting upon his old goodly orchard, where he had so many for nothing."

FRIENDLY BANTER.

Friend Grace, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his better half had taken the good one). "What," said the bantering bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?" The only reply was-"Friend, when thee beest married. thee'lt know."

SWALLOWING A WRIT.

Mr. Serjeant Davy, who lies buried in Newington Church, Surrey, was a most eccentric character. He was originally a chemist at Exeter; when a sheriff's officer coming to serve on him a process from the Court of Common Pleas, he very civilly asked him to drink some beer. While the man was drinking, Davy contrived to heat a poker, and then asking what the parchment process was made of, and being answered, of sheepskin, he told the officer it must eat as well as mutton, and recommended him to try it. The bailiff said, it was his business to serve processes, and not to eat them; upon which Davy told him that if he would not eat that, he should swallow the poker. The man preferred the parchment. But the Court of Common Pleas, not then accustomed to Mr. Davy's jokes, sent for him to Westminster Hall, read him a serious lecture on contempt of their process, and locked him up in the Fleet Prison. From this circumstance, and some unfortunate men whom he met there, Davy acquired that taste for the law which the eating of a process had not given the bailiff; and when he was discharged from the Fleet he applied to the study of the law in earnest, was called to the bar,. made a serjeant, and was for a long time in considerable practice. He died in 1780.

A PIECE OF PLATE.

A young actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect: "Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small piece of plate." It was, beyond all question, a very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!

LORD NORTH AND FOX.

Lorth North, when contemptuously alluded to by Fox, as "that thing termed a Minister," replied: "The honourable gentleman calls me a thing, and (patting his ample stomach) an unshapely thing I am; but, when he adds, that thing termed a Minister, he calls me that which he himself is most anxious to become; and, therefore, I take it as a compliment."

HOW TO WIN A KINGDOM.

Syed Syeed bin Sultan, the Sovereign of Muscat, is one of the most distinguished Princes of Asia. During a long minority, the administration of the Government was confided to an Imâm, and uncle of the young Monarch, who was unwilling to resin when his ward became of age; and, in order to remove him out of his way, conducted him to a lonely fortress. There the young Sultan was informed by his friends that the Regent aimed at his death; and, to frustrate this ambitious design, he one evening requested to see his uncle. No sooner was he in his presence than Syed Syeed stabbed him with his khunger. The Regent, wounded as he was, scaled the wall, and, mounting a swift horse, fled. The friends of the young Prince told him that his work was only half done, and that, if his uncle escaped alive, his throne would be insecure. He at once mounted and followed his relative, whom he found stretched beneath a tree, unable to proceed from loss of blood. He there pinned him to the ground with his spear, and, hastening to a neighbouring stronghold, knocked loudly at the gate, and called for assistance, stating that his uncle was dying not far off. Of course, the Regent was found dead. The Sultan returned to his friends, and the next day hastened to Muscat, which he reached before the news of the Regent's death. He immediately summoned the captains of the fortresses, and, when they were all present, he required that they should deliver up their respective commands to such persons as he should name, under pain of immediate death in case of refusal. He appointed successors from his own tribe, and has since observed the same policy in filling all offices in his Government. In this manner he obtained possession of the throne, in 1807, but held it as a tributary to Sahoud Abdallah, the chief of the Wahabites, until 1816. Sahoud was that year subdued, and conducted to Constantinople by the famed Ibrahim Pacha, and there publicly executed.

PROPHECY FULFILLED.

When Prince Poniatowski was a boy, his mother consulted a celebrated deaf and dumb Bohemian gipsy as to his fate, who recorded on a slip of paper the following laconic prediction: "Hüte dich von eier Elster!" ("Beware of the Magpie!") This augury was not only disregarded, but nearly forgotten, until its remarkable fulfilment, by the Prince meeting with his death in the river Elster (Magpie), during the retreat of the French army, after the battle of Leipsic, in 1813.

FRANCO-ENGLISH.

A French gentleman rescued from a ducking in the Thames, and taken to an adjacent tavern, was advised to drink a tumbler of very hot brandy-and-water, and thus addressed the waiter who was mixing it: "Sir, I shall thank you not to make it a fortnight." "A fortnight!" replied Joe; "hadn't you better take it directly ?" "Oh, yes," said Monsieur; "directly, to be sure, but not a fortnight, not two week."

66

SIR HUMPHREY DAVY.

Laybach, in Styria, is interesting to the lover of science for having been the retreat of Sir Humphrey Davy not long before his death; he resided in a hotel here, and the pretty daughter of the hostess relates several anecdotes respecting him. He was a most indefatigable angler: his extraordinary success in transferring the trout to his basket procured for him the title of "the English wizard;" and the scared peasants, who could never understand by what artificial means he caught the fi h, shunned him as if he had been his Satanic Majesty. He spent the greater part of the day in angling, or in geologizing among the mountains; and generally passed his evenings in the society of the hostess' daughter, who made his tea, and was his antagonist at écarté, or some other light game; indeed, the "maid of the inn" played her cards so well, that she secured a handsome legacy from the philosopher in his will.

We

THE FIRST AND BEST BOTTLE. Who does not recollect a first bottle of wine, unequalled by its successors? remember ordering a bottle of Grave at the Tête-de-Boeuf, at Abbeville, which was marked in the carte at three francs. It came-people may talk of Rudesheim, Burgundy, and Hermitage, and all the wines that ever the Rhone or the Rhine produced, but never was there wine like that bottle of Grave. We drank it slowly, and lingered over the last glass as if we had a presentiment we should never meet with its like again. When it was done, quite done, we ordered another bottle. But no-it was not the same wine. We sent it away, and in vain-and another-there was no more of it to be had.

LONG STORIES.

Captain George Robert Fitzgerald was one day rattling on in an ordinary, in a small town, in Mayo county, when Mr. Garret Dillon, an old story-teller, shouted out: "Captain Fitzgerald, let me ask you this little question do you intend to pay every man's club present ?" "No, sir," replied Fitzgerald, "this is an ordinary, and not my private house." "Well, then, sir, as you have now for two long hours engrossed the whole talk to yourself, I lay down my watch on the table, and if you attempt to say a word for one hour, I will make it a personal matter with you. George Robert, to the surprise of the company, quietly sumitted to the injunction; the hour passed on; Dillon told, as under restraint, some stories in his worst manner; and it was a relief to the company when Fitzgerald, at the expiration of the injunction, with perfect good-humour, commenced to talk as if he had never been interrupted.

FRENCH LANGUAGE.

When some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par: -J'aime Julie; j'aime un gigot!"

TELLING ONE'S AGE.

A lady, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am near thirty." Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every day."

CHANTREY'S FIRST SCULPTURE.

Chantrey, when a boy, used to take milk to Sheffield on an ass. To those not used to seeing and observing such things, it may be necessary to state that the boys generally carry a good thick stick, with a hooked or knobbed end, with which they belabour their asses sometimes unmercifully. On a certain day, when returning home, riding on his ass, Chantrey was observed by a gentleman to be very intently engaged in cutting a stick with his penknife, and, excited by his curiosity, he asked the lad what he was doing, when, with great simplicity of manner, but with courtesy, he replied, "I am cutting old Fox's head." Fox was the schoolmaster of the village. On this, the gentleman asked to see what he had done, pronounced it to be an excellent likeness, and presented the youth with sixpence, and this may, perhaps, be reckoned the first money Chantrey ever obtained for his ingenuity.

AMERICANISMS.

"Well, Abel, what do you think of our native genius, Mister Forrester ?" "Well, I don't go much to theatricals, that's a fact; but I do think he piled the agony up a little too high in that last scene." The gam blers on the Mississippi use a very refined phrase for "cheating"-"playing the advantages over him." But, as may be supposed, the principal terms used are those which are borrowed from trade and commerce. The rest or remainder is usually termed the balance: "Put some of those apples into a dish, and the balance into the store room." When a person has made a mistake, or is out in his calculations, they say, "You have missed a figure that time." Even the thieves must be commercial in their ideas. One rogue, meeting another, asked him what he had done that morning? "Not much," was the reply; "I've only realized this umbrella." There is sometimes in the American metaphors an energy which is very remarkable. "Well, I reckon that, from his teeth to his toe-nail, there's not a human being of a more conquering nature than General Jackson." One gentleman said to me, "I wish I had all' hell boiled down to a pint, just to pour down your throat."-Captain Marryat.

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THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH IN ENGLAND.

In England the electric telegraphs are in the hands of a private company, which has a practical monopoly of them; and, as is invariably the case with all monopolies, complaints and remonstrances, well or ill founded, are constantly brought against the establish

ment.

A central station is established in London, in Lothbury, near the Bank of England. The lower part of the building is appropriated to the reception of orders and messages. A person desiring to forward a message to any part of England connected with London by the wires, writes his message on a sheet of letter-paper, provided for the purpose, and prepared according to a printed form, having the names and address of the writer, and of the party to whom the message is communicated, in blank spaces assigned to them, together with the date and hour at which the message is despatched. The answer is received, accompanied by the date and hour at which the message arrived, and at which the answer was despatched.

The tariff of charges for transmission of telegraphic messages differs very much, according to the destination of the message, and is not strictly regulated by distance. The charge, for example, from London to Dover, is, or was lately, about 6d. a word; while the charge between Birmingham and Stafford, a greater distance, was something less than 4d. a word. The charge between London and York is 5'4d. per word, between London and Edinburgh 7·8d. per word, and between London and Glasgow 8·4d. per word.

The room containing the telegraphic instruments is in the upper part of the building, to which communications by wires are made from a cellar in the lower part, where the galvanic apparatus is deposited. This apparatus consists of a collection of galvanic batteries, having different powers, to be used according to the distance to which the message is to be transmitted. The wires which communicate between this establishment and the termini of the several railways are inclosed in leaden pipes, which are carried under the streets. There they are connected with the wires supported on poles, with which every railway traveller is familiar, and by which the communication is maintained with different parts of the country.

It is found that by practice the operators of the telegraphic instruments are able to communicate about twenty words per minute, being nearly at the same rate as ordinary writing.

In the chief telegraphic stations in different parts of the country, besides the transmission of private messages, a sort of subscription intelligence-rooms have been opened, where the subscribers can daily and hourly obtain in common the general commercial information which is most in request; such as the state of the stock and share market, and of the money market; the

state of the wind and weather at different ports of the kingdom; shipping and sporting intelligence; the rates of the markets of every description; and the general political news of most importance. These subscription-rooms are supplied by the establishment in London, at which a sort of telegraphic editor prepares from the morning papers at an early hour a short abstract of the most important news-the stock market, &c.

This, when prepared and written out, is sent up to the instrument-room, from whence it is despatched to the various subscriptionrooms in different parts of the country. It arrives there by eight o'clock in the morning, and is immediately accessible to the subscribers. All news of adequate importance is thus diffused over the kingdom literally with the speed of lightning. Thus the public in Edinburgh are informed by eight o'clock in the morning of all interesting facts which appear in the London morning journals, which are not issued in the metropolis until six o'clock.

The provincial journals also profit by these means of obtaining intelligence, and are enabled to supply in their columns all important news as early as it can be supplied by the London journals.

Whatever be the nature of signal used, the wires which convey the electric current over the country may be constructed in either of two ways: the one, by being supported on poles, as is usual in this country; the other, by being sunk under ground, like gas or waterpipes. The latter method has some advantage in security, being less liable to be disturbed by ill-disposed persons or by accident. It has been found that the flight of birds has sometimes accidentally broken the communication, the birds striking the wire, and breaking or deranging it; violent storms also have occasionally blown down the posts and broken the wires.-From Dr. Lardner's valuable Railway Economy.

TAKING WINE.

The difficulty of getting a glass of wine in the regular way has exercised the ingenuity of mankind. Mr. Theodore Hook was once observed, during dinner at Hatfield House, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a teashop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why, Lady Salisbury, when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers."

LORD BYRON'S PLUM-PUDDING. A plum-pudding is hardly ever boiled enough; a fault which reminds one of a predicament in which Lord Byron once found himself in Italy. He had made up his mind to have a plum-pudding on his birthday, and busied himself a whole morning in giving minute directions to prevent the chance of a mishap; yet, after all the pains he had taken, and the anxiety he must have undergone, the pudding appeared in a tureen, and of about the consistency of soup.