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IRISH DRINKING.

It is related that, at a roaring dinner of a round dozen of jolly Irishmen, all were extended in due time upon the floor, except two heroes, who drank seven bottles of claret more between them, and beginning then to complain of a great "chill in their stomachs," from that thin cold French stuff, finished a bottle of brandy between them, and walked home-somehow or other.

CLEVER THIEVES.

At Buenos Ayres, instances have been known of thieves running off with the clothes of the sleeping inmates of the houses, fished through the gratings of the window, by means of one of the long canes of the country, with a hook at the end of it; in one wellknown case, a gentleman's watch was thus hooked out of his pocket at his bed's head, and he was but just roused by his frightened wife in time to catch a last glimpse of the chain and seals as they seemingly danced out of the window.

THE ABSENT MAN.

The following ingenious trick is said to have been played on old Thornton, the theatrical manager. A bowl of negus, with a plug bottom, which could be withdrawn at pleasure, was once put before him; he filled his wine-glass but once, when the plug (it having been placed on a receptacle on purpose) was drawn, and the liquor taken away; in a minute or two he was about replenishing his glass, and saw the bowl empty; he paused a moment, then rang the bell to have it re-filled; it was, and after he had taken two more glasses full, the trick was repeated: the second time he beheld it empty he gave his nose a long pull, and rubbed his eyes, as if he doubted whether he had slept or not; but he ordered a third, and paid for the three bowls, evidently and entirely unconscious that he had not drunk their contents.

TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

The late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half a pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. To do him justice, however, this was not s choice; he diluted it with frequent tears; he was restricted, not by virtuous sobriety, but by vicious gout, of which he stood, or rather sat, in awe. But for this there would have been no such small bottle of that liquid, to remind the observer of Pope's Avidien and his wife (Lady M. W. Montague, and her then antiquated spouse) :

"One frugal cruet served them both to dine, And pass'd at once for vinegar and wine."

The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those d-d life-preservers! "

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"March 28, 1822.

"Gentlemen,-I am sorry to trouble you but I Am so Anoyed By next Door Neighbour the Bonassus and with Beasts, that I cannot live in my House-for the stench of the Beast is So Great And their is only A Slight petition Betwixt the houses and the Beast are continually Breaking through in to my Different Rooms And I am always loosing my lodgers in Consequence of the Beast first A Monkey made its way in My Bedroom next the Jackall came in to the Yard and this last week the people in My Second floor have been Alarmed in the Dead of the Night By Monkey Breaking through in to the Closset and are Going to leave in Consequence this being the third lodgers I have lost on account of the Beast And I have been letting my Second Floor at Half the Rent-And those men of Mr. James are Bawling the whole Day Against My Window-aud continually taking people's attention from My Window And I am quite pestered with Rats and I Am Confident they came from the Exebition-And in Short the Ingury and Nuisance is So Great as almost Impossible to Describe But to be so Anoyd By such an Imposter think is Very Hard-Gentlemen your Early Inquiry will

oblige your Servant-T. W.-. "N.B. And If I mention anything to Mr. James He ondly Abuses me with the most Uncouth Language."

WHIST-PLAYING.

Charles Lamb said once to a brother whistplayer, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if dirt were trumps, what hands you would hold."

THE DEAF LADY.

"Speak a little louder, for I am so absent, that ten to one I shall forget you are speaking unless you raise your voice." This was a subterfuge on the part of the old lady to conceal her deafness.

THE RETOET LIE.

Perhaps the best retort upon a lie is to outwit it, as Galba did, when a courtier told him that he had bought eels in Sicily five feet long. "That," replied the Emperor, "is no wonder; for there they are so long that the fishermen use them for ropes."

TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

When Alderman Beckford's fine house at Fonthill, with pictures and furniture to a great value, was burnt, he coolly said: "Oh! I have an odd £50,000 in a drawer; I will build it up again: it won't be above a thousand pounds apiece difference to my thirty children!"

MARCH OF INTELLECT.

A poor woman, said to be ninety years of age, was waiting outside the doors of the Cheltenham Theatre two hours before their opening, having walked eight miles to see "Jane Shore." Mrs. M'Gibbon, who was to have enacted the heroine, deeming such devotion to the drama madness, asked her dresser, who narrated the circumstance, if the poor creature had her intellects. "I don't know, ma'am," said the girl; "she's gotten summut tied up in her pocket-handkerchief."

INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

When the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most distinguished statesmen and gourmets of the time of Napoleon. In the course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly récheché dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very good, but I really do not care what I eat." "Good God!" exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "Don't care what you eat! What did you come here for, then?"

SAFE DIVISION.

A landowner and tenant having agreed to refer a matter in dispute to a reference, it was agreed that in case it should not thus be decided, the matter should be settled, as usual, by an umpire. "Well, be it so, but on this condition," said the man of wealth, "that if he cannot make a division, we shall have umpires on both sides"

TRUE GENEROSITY.

A story is told of an Arabian Birkabebt who was so generous, and yet so poor, that, a thief coming into his chamber to steal, and finding nothing, the Arabian called to him as he was going away, and gave him his bed, remarking that "It was a pity he should go away empty-handed after all his labour."

SEEKING A PLACE.

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One morning, scarcely a fortnight_after General Jackson's arrival at the White House, a shabby-genteel looking man presented himself at his parlour, and, after the usual salutation and shaking of hands, expressed his joy at seeing the venerable old gentleman at last hold the situation of chief magistrate of the country, to which his bravery, his talents, and his unimpeachable rectitude fully entitled him. "We have had a hard time of it," said he, "in our little place; but our exertions were unremitting; I myself went round to stimulate my neighbours, and at last the victory was ours. We beat them by a majority of ten votes; and I now behold the result of that glorious triumph!" The General thanked him in terms of studied politeness, assuring him that he would resign his office in an instant if he did not think his election gave satisfaction to a vast majority of the people; and, at last, regretted his admirer's zeal for the public weal should have been so severely taxed on his account. "Oh, no matter for that, sir," said he; "I did it with pleasure-I did it for myself and for my country (the General bowed); " and I now come to congratulate you on your success (the General bowed again). "I thought, sir," that, as you are now President of the United States, I might perhaps be useful to you in some official capacity." (The General looked somewhat embarrassed.) "Pray, sir, have you already made a choice of your Cabinet Ministers ?" "I have," was the reply of the General. "Well, no matter for that; I shall be satisfied with an embassy to Europe." sorry to say there is no vacancy." "Then you will, perhaps, require a head-clerk in the department of State?" "These are generally appointed by the respective secretaries." "I am very sorry for that; then I must be satisfied with some inferior appointment.' "I never interfere with these; you must address yourself to the heads of departments." "But could I not be postmaster in Washington? Only think, General, how I worked for you!" "I am much obliged to you for the good opinion you entertain of me, and for your kind offices at the last election ; but the postmaster for the city of Washington is already appointed." Well, I don't much care for that; I should be satisfied with being his clerk." "This is a subject you must mention to the postmaster." "Why, then, General," exclaimed the disappointed candidate for office, "haven't you got an old black coat?" You may well imagine that the General gave him one.

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POETRY AND GARDENING.

Walpole telling a nurseryman at Twickenham that he would have his trees planted irregularly, the man replied: "Yes, sir, I understand; you would have them hung down somewhat poetical."

CUTTING JOKE.

On the health of the "Master and Wardens of the Cutlers' Company" being drunk, a wag whispered to the band, who had played appropriate tunes to the other toasts, to play "Terry, heigho, the grinder!" which was done.

NATURE AND ART.

Wilkes called one morning upon a friend who resided in the City, and had before his house a few yards square, and two plants, which once resembled lilac, in large tubs. Men were employed in painting the outside of the house. "Brother," said Wilkes to his friend, "suffer me to plead in behalf of them two poor lilacs in the tubs; pray let them be painted too."

A DISPROVER.

Mr. Brougham, during his indefatigable canvas of Yorkshire, in the course of which he often addressed ten or a dozen meetings in a day, thought fit to harangue the electors of Leeds immediately on his arrival, after travelling all night, and without waiting to perform his customary ablutions. "These

hands are clean," cried he, at the conclusion of a diatribe against corruption; but they happened to be very dirty; and this practical contradiction raised a hearty laugh.

VAILS TO SERVANTS.

To such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N--, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take silver." "Don't vou, indeed!" said the Baronet, putting it into his pocket: "then I do not give gold."

ERROR IN PERSONS.

Morat, in Switzerland, is celebrated as the scene of the defeat of Charles the Bold, in 1476; and a little chapel, filled with the bones of those that fell, bears this pithy inscription-"The army of Charles the Bold, besieging Morat, left this monument of its passage.' On seeing which, a Connemara gentleman observed, that "they might call him 'bold' here; but he was too timid in London, or he never would have popped his head out of Lord Melbourne's middle window to lay it on the block. Many a time he had looked at it (the window) while knocking his heels at the Horse Guards." It is useless to explain. Mac confounded the Martyr of England with the daring Duke of Burgundy.

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When Victor Hugo was an aspirant for the honours of the Academy, and called on M. Royer Collard to ask his vote, the sturdy veteran professed an entire ignorance of his name. "I am the author of Notre Dame de Paris;' Les derniers Jours d'un Condamné;" 'Bug-Jargal,' Marion Delorme, &c." "I never heard of any of them." "Will you do me the honour of accepting a copy of my works?" "I never read new books." Exit Hugo!

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Kings and official personages have strangely committed themselves, as well as other people. Think of the Sovereign of Persia, who inquired what sort of place America was"underground, or how?" and of the greedy he or she who called fish "congealed water," and forbade the free eating of it, lest the supply for the Royal table should fall short George the Second preferred stale oysters for their superior flavour; and greatly admired Brentford for its resemblance to "Yarmany." George the Third was not a whit more shrewd. The day of the last drawingroom of the season had arrived, and an Admiral's lady (a handsome lady, by the way) was to be presented, but was compelled to leave her gouty husband at home. The King noticed the new Court beauty, and inquired after her lord, and their seat in Leicestershire. "Fine place, fine place, that-who built it ?" "Indigo Jones, please your Majesty." "Indigo Jones, who's he?-some great blue-maker, I suppose?" "Yes, please your Majesty." The lady returned home, and reported progress to the Admiral, asking, "How do you think I managed ?" 66 Why, I'll be hanged if I know which is the greatest fool, the King or you," was the churlish reply.

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QUIET THEFT.

A saddle being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a mute.

AN OBSTINATE CRITTUR. "Halloo! Ben, let's go down here to our church, and view the demolished ruins of the hurricando." "Oh! no, I an't got no time." Wy an't you got no time?" "Oh, cause I don't want to go?" "Wy don't you want to go?" "Oh! cause I can't." "Jus gib us reason wy you can't go." "Oh! cause I shan't." "Well, why shan't you?" "Oh! cause I won't." "Ah! nigger, I see you've got de adwantage ob me in dat ere argiment; dere's no way ob gittin round you dis ere time-wah, wah, wah!"

GEORGE IL AND GARRICK.

When George II. went to see Garrick act Richard III, the only part in the play which interested the King was the Lord Mayor of London; and when Garrick was attending the Royal party from the box, anxious to hear the King's opinion of bis own performance, all the compliment from the Sovereign was a high eulogy upon the Lord Mayor. "I do love dat Lord Mayor," said the King; "capital Lord Mayor; fine Lord Mayor dat, Mr. Garrick; where you get such capital Lord Mayor?"

LOSS OF AN ARM.

When Nelson visited the Royal Naval Hospital at Yarmouth, after the battle of Copenhagen, he went round the wards, stopped at every bed, and to every man said something kind and cheering. At length, he stopped opposite to a bed on which was lying a sailor who had lost his right arm close to the shoulder-joint, when the following short dialogue ensued:-" Nelson: "Well! Jack, what's the matter with you?" Sailor: "Lost my right arm, your honour." Nel. son paused, looked down at his empty sleeve, then at the sailor, and said playfully, "Well, Jack, then you and I are spoiled for fishermen; cheer up, my brave fellow."

THE LADY AND THE AMBASSADOR.

In what light Ambassadors are held by the ladies in the United States will appear from the following anecdote:-At a dinner-party to which most of the representatives of the greater powers and some of the smaller ones were invited, one of them, a jolly old bachelor of the English school, attempted a song, which so much gratified the ladies, that it was proposed every gentleman present should, in turn, follow the example. Russia and some other great powers immediately obeyed the summons; but when the turn came to the representative of a new court, he indig nantly exclaimed, "Mon Roi ne m'a pas envoyé ici pour chanter." "Well," answered a lady, "if you will not sing, we shall ask your gallant King to send us somebody else who will."

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Cartouche (the French highwayman), in company with two other "gentlemen," robbed the coche, or packet-boat, from Melun, where they took a good quantity of booty-making the passengers lie down on the decks, and rifling them at leisure. "This money will be but very little among three," whispered Cartouche to his neighbour, as the three conquerors were making merry over their gains; "if you were to pull the trigger of your pistol in the neighbourhood of your comrade's ear, perhaps it might go off; and then there would be but two of us to share." Strangely enough, as Cartouche said, the pistol dil go off, and No. 3 perished. "Give him another ball," said Cartouche; and another was fired into him. But, no sooner had Cartouche's comrade discharged both his pistols, than Cartouche himself, seized with a furious indignation, drew his. "Learn, monster," cried he, "not to be so greedy of gold; and perish, the victim of thy disloyalty and avarice!" So Cartouche slew the second robber; and there is no man in Europe who can say that the latter did not merit well the punishment.

WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

Wilkes may be said to have "turned his back upon himself," borrowing an Hibernicism of our own times; and in his soberer years he laughed pleasantly enough at the folly of his quondam dupes. One day, in his later life, he went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, "Nay, Sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your Majesty knows I never was."

TOM SHERIDAN OUT SHOOTING.

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Tom Sheridan was staying at Lord Craven's, at Fenham (or rather Hampstead), and one day proceeded on a shooting excursion, like Hawthorn, with only "his dog and his gun," on foot, and unattended by companion or keeper; the sport was bad-the birds few and shy-and he walked and walked in search of game, until, unconsciously, he entered the domain of some neighbouring squire. A very short time after, he perceived advancing towards him, at the top of his speed, a jolly, comfortable gentleman, followed by a servant. armed, as it appeared, for conflict. Tom took up a position, and waited the approach of the enemy. "Hallo! you sir," said the squire, when within half earshot; "what are you doing here, sir, eh?" "I'm shooting, sir," said Tom. "Do you know where you are, sir?" said the squire. "I'm here, sir," said Tom. "Here, sir?" said the squire, growing angry; "and do you know where here is, sir?-these, sir, are my manors; what d'ye think of that, sir, eh?" "Why, sir, as to your manners," said Tom, "I can't say they seem over-agreeable." "I don't want any jokes, sir," said the squire; "I hate jokes. Who are you, sir-what are you?" Why, sir," said Tom, "my name is Sheridan-I am staying at Lord Craven's-I have come out for some sport-I have not had any, and I am not aware that I am trespassing." "Sheridan!" said the squire, cooling a little, "oh, from Lord Craven's, eh? Well, sir, I could not know that, sir-I—" "No, sir," said Tom, "but you need not have been in a passion." "Not in a passion, Mr. Sheridan!" said the squire; "you don't know, sir, what these preserves have cost me, and the pains and trouble I have been at with them; it's all very well for you to talk, but if you were in my place, I should like to know what you would say upon such an occasion ?" "Why, sir," said Tom, "if I were in your place, under all the circumstances, I should say-I am convinced, Mr. Sheridan, you did not mean to annoy me; and as you look a good deal tired, perhaps you'll come up to my house and take some refreshment.' The squire was hit hard by this nonchalance, and (as the newspapers say), it is needless to add, acted upon Sheridan's suggestion. "So far," said poor Tom, "the story tells for me-now you shall hear the sequel." After having regaled himself at the squire's house, and having said five hundred more good things than he swallowed; having delighted his host, and more than half won the hearts of his wife and daughters, the sportsman proceeded on his return homewards. In the course of his walk, he passed through a farm-yard; in the front of the farm-house was a green, in the centre of which was a pond-in the pond were ducks innumerable, swimming and diving; ou its verdant banks a motley group of gallant cocks and pert partlets, picking and feeding; the farmer was leaning over the hatch of the barn, which stood near two cottages on the side of the green. Tom hated

to go back with an empty bag; and, having failed in his attempts at higher game, it struck him as a good joke to ridicule the exploits of the day himself, in order to prevent any one else from doing it for him; and he thought that to carry home a certain number of the domestic inhabitants of the pond and its vicinity, would serve the purpose admirably. Accordingly, up he goes to the farmer, and accosts him very civilly. "My good friend," says Tom, "I'll make you an offer." "Of what, sur?" says the farmer. "Why," replies Tom, "I've been out all day fagging after birds, and haven't had a shot. Now, both my barrels are loaded-I should like to take home something; what shall I give you to let me have a shot with each barrel at those ducks and fowls-I standing here-and to have whatever I kill?" "What sort of a shot are you?" said the farmer. "Fairish!" said Tom, "fairish!" "And to have all you kill?" said the farmer, "eh?" "Exactly so," said Tom. "Half a guinea," said the farmer. "That's too much," said Tom. "I'll tell you what I'll do I'll give you a seven-shilling piece, which happens to be all the money I have in my pocket." "Well," said the man, “hand it over." The payment was made. Tom, true to his bargain, took his post by the barn-door, and let fly with one barrel, and then with the other, and such quacking and splashing, and screaming and fluttering, had never been seen in that place before. Away ran Tom, and, delighted at his success, picked up first a hen, then a chicken, then fished out a dying duck or two, and so on, until he numbered eight head of domestic game, with which his bag was nobly distended. "Those were right good shots, sur," said the farmer. "Yes," said Tom, "eight ducks and fowls were more than you bargained for, old fellow-worth rather more, I suspect, than seven shillings -eh ?" 66 Why, yes," said the man, scratching his head, "I think they be; but what do I care for that? they are none of them mine!" " "Here," said Tom, "I was for once in my life beaten, and made off as fast as I could. for fear the right owner of my game might make his appearance-not but that I could have given the fellow that took me in seven times as much as I did, for his cunning and coolness."

COMPLIMENT TO ROYALTY.

When the city of Beaune received Louis XIV., he tasted their wine, which his Majesty praised. "Oh! Sire," said the Mayor, "it is not to be compared with what we have in our cellars." "Which you keep, no doubt, for a better occasion," replied the King.

MARRIED WOMEN.

"Pooh! my dear fellow," said Lord Haslingden to a young Captain in the Blues, who was professing his dislike of girls, and his preference for the society of young married women; "a young married woman is only a girl who belongs to somebody else."

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