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ir Per. How do I mean by instinct 1–Why, sir, can by—by—by the instinct of interest, sir, which e universal instinct of mankind. Sir, it is wonul to think, what a cordial, what an amicable— what an infallible influence bowing has upon the s and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer incerely, have you a mind to be convinced of force of my doctrine, by example and demonlau yer. Certainly, sir. Per. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can r upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the s of my bowing, as an excitement, and a landfor you to bow by, and as an infallible nostrum e in the world. er. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your expe
per. Vary weel, sir : sit ye down then, sit you here: [They sit down.]—and now, sir, you recall to your thoughts, that your grandfather man, whose penurious income of half-pay was in total of his fortune; and, sir, aw my provia him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness honetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; incipal ingredients of which were, a persevering ry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliabitemper, and a constant attention to make every eu pleased with himself. r. Very prudent advice, sir. per. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.-or, with these materials, Y. out a raw-boned 4 tra the North, to try my fortune with them the South ; and my first step intill the world sex garly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's countse, here in the city of London, which you'll irded but a barren sort of a prospect. ... it was not a very fertile one indeed, sir. or. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing in this unprofitable situation, I reflected I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, ht, and marked every man and every mode -vity; at last I concluded that a matrimonial re, Prudently conducted, would be the readiest
gate I could gang for the bettering of my condition, and accordingly I set about it : now, sir, in this pursuit, beauty beauty l—ah ! beauty often struck mine eeu, and played about my heart! and fluttered and beat, and knocked, and knocked ; but the devi an entrance I ever let it get; for I observed, sir, that beauty—is generally—a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a commodity. Eger. Yo...". observed, sir. Sir Per. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir—mark | I looked out for an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager; a consumptive, toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow ; or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity in the shape of an ixzard, or an appersi-and-or, in short, ainy thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller—for that, sir, was the north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir? was nai that right ! Eger. O ! doubtless—doubtless, sir. Sir Per. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller —nair till court, nai till play houses or assemblies—nai, sir, Iganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian, and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked—ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha, ha, ha! sir, she was as mad—as mad as a Bedlamite. Eger. Not improbable, sir; there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition. Sir Per. O! numbers—numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth constantly morning and evening, at the tabernacle in M. : and as soon as I found she had got the siller, ahal guid traith, I plumpen me down upon my
knees close by her-cheek by jowl—and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost cracked again —I watched her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a week, -married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;touched the siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;–and this, sir, was the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the vanity of human nature —now, sir, do you understand this doctrine 2 Eger. Perfectly well, sir. Sir Per. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit off Eger. Certainly, sir; extremely well Sir Per. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra boarding-school; . the interest of whose family I got a good smart place in the Treasury —and, sir, my vary next step was intill Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Caesar himself. Sir, I bowed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and attended, and dangled upon the then great mon, till I got intill the vary bowels of his confidence—and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them : hah : I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets, and aw the political bonuses;–till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a-bowing to : [He rises, and Egerton rises too]—and was nai that bowing to some purpose 2 Eger. It was indeed, sir. Sir Per. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility of bowing. Eger, Thoroughly, sir. Sir Per. Sir, it is infallible :-but, Charles, ah while I was thus bowing, and wriggling, and raising
this princely fortune, ah! I met with ran or sores and disappointments fra the want & Feloquence, and other popular abelede s = could but have spoken in the house, I codone the deed in half the time ; but the raw opened my mouth there, they aw fell --- * me ;-aw which deficiencies, sir, I ce-- * any expense, to have supplied by the pre-ortion of a son, who, I hoped, would one cro-e house of Macsycophant till the hote- or " ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my fin done my part of it; nature has done ben - * popular, you are eloquent ; aw part- to respect you; and now, sir, it only retata trobe directed—completion follows.
g, properly tuned, may be still made to produce if we cannot hit upon a medium that will be agreevery harmony we wish for. Yes, yes! I have able to both parties. his serjeant, I see, understands business—and, Serj. (With great warmth.] Mr. Plausible, I have am not mistaken, knows how to take a hin. considered the clause fully; am entirely master of the Faus. O! nobody better, Sir Pertinax.
question ; my lord cannot give up the point. It is r Per. Why then, Plausible, the short road is unkind and unreasonable to expect it. -ys the best with sic a mon.-You must even Plaus. Nay, Mr. Serjeant, I beg you will not mise up till his mark at once, and assure him from understand me. Do not think I want his lordship to that I will secure him a seat for one of these give up any point without an equivalent. Sir Pertiboroughs.
nax, will you permit Mr. Serjeant and me to retire a iaus, o ! that will do, Sir Pertinas—that will few moments to reconsider ihis point ? I'll answer for it.
Sir Per. For Heaven's sake, as your lordship and I r Per. And further-I beg you will let him know can have but one interest for the future, let us have I think myself obliged to consider him in this nai mair words about these paltry boroughs, but conr, as acting for me as weel as for my lord, as a clude the agreeinent just as it stands : otherwise there non friend till baith :-and for the services he must be new writinys drawn, new consultations of already done us, make my special compliments lawyers ; new objections and delays will arise; crebrim-and pray let this amicable bit of paper be ditors will be impatient and impertinent, so that we faithful advocate to convince him of what my shall nai finish the lord knows when. itude further intends for his great [Gives him a Lord Lun. You are right, you are right : say no k-bill.] equity in adjusting this agreement be more, Mac, say no more. Split the lawyers--you' xt my lord and me.
judge the point better than all Westminster-Hall Plaus. Ha, ha, ha! -upon my word, Sir Perti- could. It shall stand as it is : yes, you shall settle , this is noble.-Ay, ay! this is an eloquevt bit it your own way; for your interest and mine are the paper indeed.
same, I see plainly. Sir Per. Maister Plausible, in aw human dealings Sir Per. No doubt of it, my lord. most effectual method is that of ganging at once Lord Lum. O! here the lawyers come. the vary bottom of a man's heart:- for if we ex. I that men should serve us, we must first win their
Enter Counsellor PLAUSIBLE and Serjeant
EITHERSIDE. ctions by serving them. Enter Lord LUMBERCOURT and Serjeant
Serj. My lord, Mr. Plausible bas convinced me
fully convinced me. EITHERSIDE.
Plaus. Yes, my lord, I have convinced him; I Perj. I assure you, Sir Pertinax, that in all his have laid such arguments before Mr. Serjeant as were Iship's conversation with me upon this business, irresistible in his positive instructions--both he and I always Serj. He has indeed, my lord : besides, as Sir erstood the nomination to be in my lord, durante Pertinax gives his honour that your lordship’s nomi
nation shall be sacredly observed, why, upon a nearer laus, Well, but gentlemen, gentlemen, a little review of the whole matter, I think it will be the mnce. Sure this mistake, soune how or other, wiser measure to conclude the agreement just as it be rectified.-Pr'ythee, Mr. Serjeant, let you is drawn. I step into the next room by ourselves, and re Lord Lum. I am very glad you think so, Mr. Será "ider the clause rejative to the boroughs, and try /jeant, because that is my opinion too : so, my dear
Eitherside, do you and Plausible despatch the busi- except on one occasion ; never robed against see ness now as soon as possible.
friends, only in that affair.- But, sir, I hope you Serj. My lord, every thing will be ready in less not so exert your influence, as to insist upog bus than an hour. Come, Mr. Plausible, let us go and porting a measure by an obvious, prostituent se poate fill up the blanks, and put the last hand to the writings try, in direct opposition to my character and EV OUT on our part.
science. Plaus. I attend you, Mr. Serjeant.
Sir Per. Copscience ! why, you are mad! 316
[E.revnt Lawyers, ever hear any man talk of conscience in piena Lord Lum. And while the lawyers are preparing matters ? Conscience, quotha ? I have been sain the writings, Sir Pertinax, I will go and saunter with ment these three and tharty years, and better the women.
[Erit singing, Sons of care,' &c. the term made use of before :-sur, it is an aspe Sir Per. So! a little flattery mixt with the finesse mentary word, and you will be laughed a? , of a gilded promise on the one side, and a quantum therefore, I desire you will not offer to impose su sufficit of the aurum palpabile on the other, have at me with sic phantoms, but let me know you a last made me the happiest father in Great-Britain. for thus slighting my friends and disobeying to Hah! my heart expands itself, as it were, through mands.—Sir, give me an immediate and in spen every part of my whole body, at the completion of this answer. business, and feels nothing but dignity and elevation. Eger. Then, sir, I must frankly tell yon, that is
work against my nature ; you would connect is be Sir PERTINAX MacSYCOPHANT and his Son. men I despise, and press me into measuresi Sir Per. Come hither, Charles.
would make me a devoted slave zo selist kamay Eger. Your pleasure, sir.
who hrave no friendship but in faction-2016Sir Per. About twa hours since I told you, Charles, in corruption-nor interest in any measure batthat I received this letter express, complaining of own ;--and to such men I cannot submit; fair your brother's activity at an election in Scotland sir, that the malignant ferment which the sea against a particular friend of mine, which has given bition of the times provokes in the heads great offence; and, sir, you are mentioned in the of other men, I deiest. letter as weel as he: to be plain, I must roundly tell Sir Per. What are you about, sir ! maliquet you, that on this interview depends my happiness as ment! and venal ambition ! Sii, every ras a father and as a man; and my affection to you, sir, be ambitious to serve his country and creamy : as a son, for the remainder of our days.
should be rewarded for it: and pray, sir, Ez Eger. I hope, sir. I shall never do any thing either you wish to serve your country! Answer se to forfeit your affection, or disturb your happiness. I say, would nai you wish to serve your co.nz
Sir Per. I hope so top : but to the point. The fact Eger. Only show me how I can serve any is this: there has been a motion made this vary day and my life is hers. Were I qualiber so isto to bring on the grand afiair, which is settled for Fri- armies, io steer her feets, unul deal ber bes day seven-night :-now, sir, as you are popular, have geance on her insulting foes ;-sar could sem talents, and are weel heard, it is expected, and I in- pull down a state leviathan, mytaty lipsite; sist upon it, that you endeavour to atone, sir, for your his country, black with the treasons of bei late misconduct, by preparing, and taking a large and send his infamy down to a free pater share in that question, and supporting it with aw monumental terror lo corrupt ambition. I *.. your power:
foremost in such service, and act it with the Eger, Sir, I have always divided as you directed, ting ardour of a Roman spirit,
Sir Per. Vary weel, sir! vary weel! the fellow is the other-impiously and a idacicusly affront the Eide himself !
Majesty of Heaven, by calling him to witness that Eger. But to be a common barker at envied power they have not received, nor ever will receive, reward u beat the drum of faction, and sound the trumpet or consideration for his suffrage.-Is not this a fact, insidious patriotism, only to displace a rival-or sir ? Can it be denied ? Can it be believed by those be a servile voter in proud corruption's filthy train who know not Britain ? Or can it be matched in the o market out my voice, my reason, and my trust, records of human policy ?-Who then, sir, that rethe party-broker who best can promise or pay for flects one moment, as a Briton or a Christian, on stitution ; these, sir, are services my nature abhors this picture, would be conducive to a people's infamy For they are such a malady to every kind of virtue, and a nation's ruin ? must in time destroy the fairest constitution that Sir Per. Sir, I have heard your rhapsody with a or wisdom framed, or virtuous liberty fought for. great deal of patience, and great astonishment-and Sir Per. Why, are you mad, sir ? you have cer- you are certainly beside yourself. What the devil ruly been bit by some mad whig or other : but business have you to trouble your head about the sins v, sir, after aw this foul-mouthed phrenzy, and or the souls of other men ? You should leave this trotic vulyar intemperance, suppose we were to matter till the clergy, wha are paid for looking after · you a plain question or iwa: Pray, what single them; and let every man gang to the devil his ain tance can you, or any man, give of the political way: besides it is nai decent to find fault with what e or corruption of these days, that has nai been is winked at by the whole nation-nay, and pracactised in the greater states, and in the most vir- tised by aw parties. mus times? I challenge you to give me a single Eger. That, sir, is the very shame, the ruin I
complain of. Eger. Your pardon, sir—it is a subject I wish to Sir Per. Oh! you are vary young, vary young in cline: you know, sir, we never can agree about it. these matters; but experience will convince you, sir, Sir Per. Sir, I insist upon an answer.
that every man in public business has twa consciences Lörr. I bey you will excuse me, sir.
-a religious and a political conscience. Why, you Si Psr. I will not excuse you, sir.-I insist. see a merchant now, or a shopkeeper, that kens the Iger. Then sir, in obedience, and with your pa- science of the world, always looks upon an path at a will answer your question.
custom-house, or behind a counter, only as an oath in sie Por. Ay! ay! I will be patient, never fear : business, a thing of course, a mere thing of course, ine, let us have it, let us have it.
that has nothing to do with religion ;-and just so it Eger. You shall, and now, sir, let prejudice, the is at an election,- for instance now-I am a candi. It of party, and the habitual insolence of success-date, pray observe, and I gang till a periwig-maker, Itin-pause but for one moment-and let religion, à hatter, or a hosier, and I give ten, twenty, or tharty *** power herself, the policy of a nation's virtue, guineas for a periwig, a hat, or a pair of hose ; and
Britain's guardian genius, take a short, impar- so on, through a majority of voters ;-vary weel ;! jetrospect but of one transaction, notorious in this what is the consequence ? Why, this commercial inWhen must they behold yeomen, freemen, citi- tercourse. you see, begets a friendship betwixt us, a
* artisans, divines, courtiers. patriots, merchants, commercial frievdship, and in a day or twa these diers, sailors, and the whole plebeian tribe, in men gang and give me their sufferages; weel! what mennial procession, urged and seduced by the con- is the inference ? Pray, sir, can you, or any lawyer, ding great ones of the land to the altar of perjury divine, or casuist, caw this a bribe ? Nai, sir, in fair Aith the vibe in one hand, and the evangelist in political reasoning, it is ainly generosity on the one