The Laughing Philosopher: Being the Entire Works of Momus, Jester of Olympus ...

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

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tion of a person lying under the torments of a kind part I could move) upon a very high pillow: this of tantalism, or Platonic hell. Monsieur Pontignan, was no sooner done, but my two female friends speaking of a love-adventure that happened to him came into bed to me in their finest night clothes. in the country, gives the following account of it. You may easily guess at the condition of a man "When I was in the country last summer, I was that saw a couple of the most beautiful women in often in company with a couple of charming the world undrest and a-bed with him, without women, who had all the wit and beauty one could being able to stir hand or foot. I begged them to desire in female companions, with a dash of co- release me, and struggled all I could to get loose, quetry, that from time to time gave me a great which I did with so much violence, that about many agreeable torments. I was, after my way, midnight they both leaped out of bed, crying out in love with both of them, and had such frequent they were undone. But seeing me safe, they took opportunities of pleading my passion to them when their posts again, and renewed their raillery. Findthey were asunder, that I had reason to hope for ing all my prayers and endeavours were lost, I particular favours from each of them. As I was composed myself as well as I could, and told them walking one evening in my chamber with nothing that if they would not unbind me, I would fall about me but my night-gown, they both came into asleep between them, and by that means disgrace my room, and told me they had a very pleasant them for ever. But, alas! this was impossible; trick to put upon a gentleman that was in the same could I have been disposed to it, they would have house, provided I would bear a part in it. Upon prevented me by several little ill-natured caresses this they told me such a plausible story, that I and endearments which they bestowed upon me. As laughed at their contrivance, and agreed to do much devoted as I am to womankind, I would not. whatever they should require of me. They imme-pass such another night to be master of the whole. diately began to swaddle me up in my night-gown, sex. My reader will doubtless be curious to knew with long pieces of linen, which they folded about what became of me the next morning. Why tr dy me till they had wrapt me in above a hundred my bedfellows left me about an hour before day, yards of swathe. My arms were pressed to my and told me, if I would be good and lie still, they sides, and my legs closed together by so many would send somebody to take me up as soon as it wrappers one over another, that I looked like an was time for me to rise. Accordingly about nine Ægyptian mummy. As I stood bolt upright upon o'clock in the morning an old woman came to unone end in this antique figure, one of the ladies swathe me. I bore all this very patiently, being burst out a laughing." And now, Pontignan," says resolved to take my revenge of my tormentors, she, "we intend to perform the promise that we and to keep no measures with them as soon as Í find you have extorted from each of us. You have was at liberty; but upon asking my old woman often asked the favour of us, and I dare say you what was become of the two ladies, she told me she are a better bred cavalier than to refuse to go to believed they were by that time within sight of bed to two ladies that desire it of you." After Paris, for that they went away in a coach and six; having stood a fit of laughter, I begged them to before five o'clock in the morning." SPEctator. uncase me, and do with me what they pleased.

No, no," said they," we like you very well as you are;" and upon that ordered me to be carried o one of their houses, and put to bed in all my swaddles. The room was lighted up on all sides: and I was laid very decently between a pair of sheets, with my head (which was indeed the only

DISADVANTAGES OF WIT.

A man of quick and active wit
For drudgery is more unfit,
Compar'd to those of duller parts,

Than running-nags to draw in carts. BUTLER

EVERY DAY PEDANTS.

A man who has been brought up among books, and is able to talk of nothing else, is a very indifferent companion, and what we call a pedant. But we should enlarge the title, and give it to every one that does not know how to think out of his profession and particular way of

life.

scholar, a mere any thing, is an insipid pe character, and equally ridiculous.

Of all the species of pedants, the book-point i much the most supportable; he has at l exercised understanding, and a head which & I though confused, so that a man who courers W him may often receive hints from him of the dat are worth knowing, and what he may pos to his own advantage, though they are of lito the owner. The worst kind of pedants anozi men, are such as are naturally endued with small share of common sense, and have rem

tion.

What is a greater pedant than a mere man of the town? Bar him the play-houses, a catalogue of the reigning beauties, and an account of a few fashionable distempers that have befallen him, and you strike him dumb. How many a pretty gentle-great number of books without taste or man's knowledge lies all within the verge of the The truth of it is, learning, like travelling, 4 court: He will tell you the names of the principal all other methods of improvement, as it favourites, repeat the shrewd sayings of a man quality, whisper an intrigue that is not yet blown upon by common fame; or, if the sphere of his observations is a little larger than ordinary, will perhaps enter into all the incidents, turns, and revolutions in a game. When he has gone thus far he has shown you the whole circle of his accomplishments, his parts are drained, and he is disabled from any farther conversation. What are these but rank pedants ? and yet these are the men who value themselves most on their exemption from the pedantry of colleges.

good sense, so it makes a silly man ten th
times more insufferable, by supplying rain
matter to his impertinence, and giving La
opportunity of abounding in absurdities.
Shallow pedants cry up one another med
than men of solid and useful learning. To m
the titles they give an editor, or collateral.
manuscript, you would take him for the f
the commonwealth of letters, and the wo

his age, when perhaps upon examiostua ya be
that he has only rectified a Greek particle,
out a whole sentence in proper commas
their praises, that they may keep one wor
countenance; and it is no wonder if a r
of knowledge, which is not capable of
man wise, has a natural tendency to
vain and arrogant.

They are obliged indeed to be this Ima

The military pedant always talks in a camp, and is storming towns, making lodgements, and fight ing battles from one end of the year to the other. Every thing he speaks smells of gunpowder; if you take away his artillery from him, he has not a word to say for himself. The law pedant is perpetually putting cases, repeating the transactions of WestACCOMODATING BUILDING. minster hall, wrangling with you upon the most When Sir Nicholas Bacon, the Lord indifferent circumstances of life, and not to be convinced of the distance of a place, or of the most lived, every room in Gorhambury was STE trivial point in conversation, but by dint of argu- a pipe of water, from the ponds distrat ment. The state pedant is wrapt up in news, and mile off. In the lifetime of Mr. Anther In lost in politics. If you mention either of the the water ceased; after whose death, his i sovereigns of Europe, he talks very notably; but coming to the inheritance, could not reca if you go out of the Gazette, you drop him. In water without infinite charge. When be short, a mere courtier, a mere soldier, a mere | Chancellor, he built Verulam-house, dae »

at fifteen days' sight. In witness whereof I subscribe this, &c.”

The Parisian correspondent read over and over this odd article, which put the future spouse on the same footing with the bales of goods he was to send to his friend; and after admiring the prudent exactness of the American, and his laconic style in enumerating the qualifications which he insisted on, he endeavoured to serve him to his mind; and after many inquiries, he judged he had found a lady fit for his purpose, in a young person of reputable family but no fortune, of good humour and of a polite education, well shaped and more

cross old aunt, who gave her a great deal of uneasiness, accepted it. A ship bound for that island was then fitting at Rochelle; the gentlewoman went on board the same, together with the bales of goods, being well provided with all necessaries, and particularly with a certificate in due form, and indorsed by the correspondent. She was also ineluded in the invoice, the last article of which ran thus:

"Item-A young gentlewoman of twenty-five years of age, of the quality and shape and conditioned as per order, as appears by the affidavits and certificates she has to produce."

A merchant, originally from Paris, having ac-than tolerably handsome. He made the proposal uired a great fortune in one of the French West to her as his friend had directed; and the young ndia Islands, concluded with himself he could not gentlewoman, who had no subsistence but from a e happy in the enjoyment of it, unless he shared t with a woman of merit; and knowing none to is fancy, he resolved to write to a worthy corresondent of his at Paris. He knew no other style han that he used in his trade; therefore, treating of affairs of love as he did his business, after ving his friend, in a letter, several commissions, nd reserving this for the last, he went on thus: "Item-Seeing that I have taken a resolution to arry, and that I do not find a suitable match for e here, do not fail to send, by next ship bound ther, a young woman of the qualifications and rm following -As for a portion, I demand none. et ber be of an honest family, between twenty The writings which were thought necessary for id twenty-five years of age, of a middle stature so exact a man as her future husband, were, an well proportioned, her face agreeable, her extract of the parish register; a certificate of her mper mild, her character blameless, her health character, signed by the curate; an attestation of od, and her constitution strong enough to bear her neighbours, setting forth that she had for the e change of the climate, that there may be no space of three years lived with an old aunt who casion to look out for a second through lack of was intolerably peevish, and had not during all e first soon after she comes to hand, which must that time given her said aunt the least occasion of provided against as much as possible, consider- complaint; and, lastly, the goodness of her conthe great distance and the dangers of the sea. stitution was certified, after the consultation, by she arrives here conditioned as above said, with four noted physicians. Before the gentlewoman's present letter indorsed by you, or at least an departure, the Parisian correspondent sent several ested copy thereof, that there may be no mistake letters of advice, by other ships, to his friend, imposition, I hereby oblige and engage myself whereby he informed him that per such a ship he satisfy the said letter, by marrying the bearer should send a young woman, of such an age, cha

Lord N.-How do you do, Doctor Jacob? I'm glad to see you look so well.

Doctor Jacob.-I am glad to have it in my power to return the compliment, my lord.

Mr. Cassan, still on his legs, and raising his voice-My lord, in this case I am counsel for Mr. Joseph Mulhall

Lord N.-Doctor Jacob, I have been very since I last had the pleasure of seeing you Doctor Jacob-So have I, too, my lord. Mr Cassan (with stentorian lungs)—My lord, 1 have twice stated that in this case

racter, and condition, &c.; in a word, such as he desired to marry.-The letters of advice, the bales, and the gentlewoman, came safe to the port; and our American, who happened to be one of the foremost on the pier, at the lady's landing, was charmed to see a handsome person, who having heard him called by his name, told him, "Sir, I have a bill of exchange upon you, and you know that it is not usual for people to carry a great deal of money about them in such a long voyage as I have now made. I beg the favour you will be pleased to pay it." At the same time she gave him his correspondent's letter; on the back of which was written, "The bearer of this is the spouse you ordered me to send you." "Ah, Madam!" said the American, "I never yet suffered my bills to be protested; and I assure you this shall not be the first. I shall reckon myself the most fortunate of all men, if you allow me to discharge it." "Yes, sir," replied she, "and the more willingly, since I am apprized of your character. We had several persons of honour on board, who knew you very well, und who, during my passage, answered all the court, and he furnished him with a red on the questions I asked them concerning you in so and a musket as a sentinel, and kept him all thr advantageous a manner, that it has raised in me a winter long, every night, at the doors of such laco perfect esteem for you."-The first interview was as he believed might be carrying on intrigues. in a few days after followed by the nuptials, which were very magnificent. The new-married couple were very well satisfied with their happy union made by a bill of exchange.

JUDICIAL INADVERTENCE.

Scene in the Criminal Court, at the Carlow Assizes. Dramatis Persona:-Lord Norbury, Chief Justice of the Common Pleas ; Mr. Cassan, a barrister; Dr. Jacob, a physician. Time,-immediately after sentence of death passed on a prisoner for murder

Mr. Cassan requested to be allowed to proceed with a traverse presentment case.

His Lordship nodded assent.

Mr. Cassan proceeded—In this case, my Lord, I am counsel

Lord N.-Doctor Jacob, I have to congratulate you on the marriage of your son, he is a young man of high professional talent-of great regnatar tion. Doctor Jacob-I thank you, my lord.

Mr. Cassan (still lond and with great emphans)My lord, I shall occupy the attention of the coun but a short time

ROCHESTER'S FOOTMAN,
Rochester found out a footman that knew al

FRANKLIN'S OWN EPITAPE. The following epitaph was written by Fa many years previous to his death.

THE BODY

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN,

PRINTER,

(LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD BOOK,

ITS CONTENTS TORN OUT,

AND STRIPT OF ITS LETTERING AND GILAT
LIES HERE FOOD FOR WOENS
YET THE WORK ITSELF SHALL NOT

FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIEVED) APPEAR ON

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