The Laughing Philosopher: Being the Entire Works of Momus, Jester of Olympus ...

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

FORTY-FIVE.

Dr. Barnard, being in conversation with Foote, r. Johnson, Sir Joshua Reynolds, and other disnguished characters, Barnard happened to say, that he thought no man could improve when past e age of forty-five." Upon this Dr. Johnson obrved, that he (Barnard) was an instance to the matrary; for there was great room for improvement kita, and he wished he would set about it. This oduced the following elegant bagatelle from Dr. rnard in the course of the next day; addressed To Sir Joshua Reynolds, and Co."

I lately thought no man alive
Could e'er improve past forty-five,
And ventur'd to assert it:

The observation was not new,
But seem'd to me so just and true
That none could controvert it.

" 'tis not so

"No, sir," says Johnson;
That's your mistake, and I can show

An instance if you doubt it.
You, sir, who are near forty-eight,
May much improve, 'tis not too late;
I wish you'd set about it."
Encourag'd thus to mend my faults,
I turn'd his counsel in my thoughts,
Which I should apply it:
way
Learning and wit seem'd past my reach,
For who can learn when none will teach?
And wit-I could not buy it.

Then come, my friends, and try your skill: will, you! You can inform me, if (My books are at a distance.) With you I'll live and learn, and then Instead of books I shall read men; So lend me your assistance.

Dear knight of Plympton,* teach me how To suffer with unruffled brow,

Sir Joshua Reynolds.

And smile serene, like thinen valiquot The jest uncouth, or truth severe, To such I'll turn my deafest ear, And calmly drink my wine. Thou say'st, not only skill is gain'd, But genius too may be attain'd, By studious imitation. Thy temper mild, thy genius fine, I'll copy till I make thee mine By constant application.

The art of pleasing teach me, Garrick;
Thou who reversest odes Pindaric

A second time read o'er.t
Oh! could we read thee backward too,
Last thirty years thou should'st review,
And charm us thirty more.

If I have thoughts, and can't express 'em,
Gibbon shall teach me how to dress 'em
In terms select and, terse;

Jones teach me modesty and Greek;
Smith how to think, Burke how to speak,
And Beauclerc to converse,

Let Johnson teach me how to place
In fairest light each borrow'd grace;
From him I'll learn to write :
Copy his clear familiar style;
And, from the roughness of his file,
Grow, like himself, polite.

DIALOGUE BETWEEN SWIFT AND HIS LANDLORD.

The three towns of Navan, Kells, and Trim, which lay in Swift's route on his first journey to Laracor, seem to have deeply arrested his attention, for he has been frequently heard to speak of the beautiful situation of the first, the antiquity of the second, and the time-shaken towers of the third. There were three inns in Navan, each of which claim to this day the honour of having entertained Dr. Swift! It is probable that he dined at one of them, for it is certain that he slept at

+Alluding to Garrick, in a whim, reading Cumberland's odes backward.

DISTINCTIONS IN FEMALE IRAILTY

One Mrs. Mapp, a famous she bone-setter mountebank, coming to town with a coach a horses, on the Kentish road was met by a ma of people, who, seeing her very oddly and law dressed, took her for a foreigner, and crea she must be George the First's mistress. U they followed the coach, bawling out, No His

w! No Hanover w-! The lady was

coach was much offended, let down the gla screamed louder than any of them, she we Ilanover w- she was an English ese! I' which they cried out, "God bless your intrat quitted the pursuit, and wished her a good p

Kells, in the house of Jonathan Belcher, a Leices-it. ""Tis but a ball bandied to and fro, and paym tershire man, who had built the inn in that town man carries a racket about him to strike if on the English model, which still exists, and, in himself among the rest of the company." point of capaciousness and convenience, would not disgrace the first road in England. The host, whether struck by the commanding sternness of Swift's appearance, or from natural civility, showed him into the best room, and waited himself at table. The attention of Belcher seems so far to have won upon Swift as to have produced some conversation. "You're an Englishman, sir?" said Swift. "Yes, sir." What is your name?" "Jonathan Belcher, sir." An Englishman and Jonathan too, in the town of Kells-who would have thought it! What brought you to this country?" "I came with Sir Thomas Taylor, sir; and I believe I could reckon fifty Jonathans in my family."" Then you are a man of family "Yes, sir; I have four sons and three daughters by one mother, a good woman of true Irish mould."ney. "Have you been long out of your native country?" Thirty years, sir." "Do you ever expect to visit it again?" "Can you say that without a sigh?" "I can, sir; my family is my country! "Why, sir, you are a better philosopher than those who have written volumes on the subject: then you are reconciled to your fate?" "I ought to be so; I am very happy; I like the people, and, though I was not born in Ireland, I'll die in it, and that's the same thing." Swift paused in deep thought for near a minute, and then with much energy repeated the first line of the preamble of the noted Irish statute-Ipsis Hibernis Hiberniores!" (The English) are more Irish than the Irish themselves!"

"Never."

SATIRE.

Satire, when general, being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any; since every individual person makes bold to understand it of others, and very wisely reinoves his particular part of the burthen upon the shoulders of the world, which are broad enough and able to bear

PRINCE EUGENE'S TIE WIG.

A whimsical circumstance occurred an Fre Eugene's going to court; Swift gives this of it: "When Mr. Secretary Št. Joka w conduct him, he found him in the utm imaginable: Hoffmann, the Emperor's res had told his Highness that morning, the impossible for him to go to court with at a wig, and his was a tied up one. “How!" wi Prince; “I know not what to do, for i nere in a long periwig in my life; and 1 have sent my valets and footmen to see whether any ¤ -have one, that I might borrow it, but not them has such a thing. What am I to was with the utmost difficulty the secretary convince him it was a thing of no consequat. only observed by gentlemen-ushers.

THE LOVE-SICK SWAIN.

I look'd, and I sigh'd, and I wish'd I could spets
And very fain would have been at ber;
But when I strove most my fond passion to
Still then I said least of the matter.

I swore to myself, and resolv'd I would try,
Some way my poor heart to recover;
But that was all vain, for I sooner could die
Than live with forbearing to love her.

Dear Celia! be kind then; and since your own eyes
By looks can command adoration,

Give mine leave to talk too, and do not despise
Those oglings that tell you my passion.

We'll look, and we'll love, and tho' neither should speak,

The pleasure we'll still be pursuing; And so, without words, I don't doubt we may make A very good end of this wooing.

SWIFT AND THE EGGS.

CONGREVE.

There happened, while Swift was at Laracor, the ale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction just as pad of eggs had been put up: Roger, Swift's clerk, id for them, and was overbid by a farmer of the ame of Hatch. What, Roger, won't you buy the No, sir," said Roger, "I gs?" exclaimed Swift. ee they are just A'GOING TO HATCH.'

CUCUMBER FORCING.

Lord Kelly had a very red face: "Pray my Lord," said Foote to him, "come and look over my garden wall: my cucumbers are very backard."

BEST BARGAIN.

Tell me no more I am deceiv'd,

That Chloe's false and common:
I always knew (at least believed)

She was a very woman :
As such I lik'd, as such caress'd;
She still was constant when possess'd,
She could do more for no man.
But, oh her thoughts on others ran,'
And that you think a hard thing;
Perhaps she fancy'd you the man,
And what care I one farthing?

You think she's false, I'm sure she's kind;
I take her body, you her mind,

Who has the better bargain?

A LETTER GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR.

Sir,

You must give me leave to complain of a PESTILENT fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beating MORTAR, yet I cannot find that he ever builds. In talking, he uses such hard words that I But all is want a drugger-man to interpret them. not gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most houses where he visits. He makes his 'prentice his GALLY slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring his shop is crowded with country-folks; who by their leaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full of SCRUPLES, and so very LITIGIOUS, that he files bilis against all his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled with the SIMPLES, yet I assure you he is a jesuitical Of all poetry dog; as you may know by his BARK. he loves the DRAM-A-TICK best. I am,

&c.

ON ITS BEING OBSERVED OF A CELEBRATED PUBLIC CHARACTER THAT THERE WAS FALSEHOOD IN HIS

VERY LOOKS.

That there is falsehood in his looks,

I must and will deny;

They say their master is a knave,

And sure they do not lie.

EPIGRAM.

Write injuries in dust, but kindness in marble. If the truth of this proverb is not to be slighted, Your principles doubtless are just, Your kindness to me you in marble indited, Your injuries you wrote in the dust.

SWIFT'S PUNNING.

Nothing can more strongly show Swift's fondness for puns of all sorts, than an extract from one of his letters. "The Bishop of Clogher has made an if-pun that he is mighty proud of, and designs to send it over to his brother Tom: but Sir Andrew Fountain has written to Tom Ashe last post, told him

the pun, and desired him to send it over to the Bishop as his own; and if it succeeds, it will be a pure bite. I'll tell you the pun. If there was a hackney coach at Mr. Pooley's door, what town in Egypt would it be? Why, it would be Hecatompolis; Hack at Tom Pooley's. Silly!"

PROLOGUE

Spoken in the Character of a Sailor, on opening the New Theatre at North-Shields.

Holloa! my Masters! where d'ye mean to stow us? (Without.

We're come to see what pastime ye can show us.
Sall, step aloft-you sha'n't be long without me.
I'll walk their quarter-deck, and look about me.

[Enters.

Tom and Dick Topsail are above-I hear 'em ; Tell 'em to keep a birth; and, Sall-sit near 'em. Sall's a smart lass-I'd hold a butt of stingo In three weeks time she'd learn the playhouse lingo. She loves your plays, she understands their meaning: She calls 'em-Moral rules made entertaining. Your Shakspeare books, she knows 'em to a tittle; And I myself (at sea) have read-a little. At London, sirs! when Sall and I were courting, I tow'd her ev'ry night a playhouse sporting. Mass! I could like 'em and their whole 'paratus, But for their fiddlers and their damn'd sonatas. Give me the merry sons of guts and rosin, That play" God save the king," and "Nancy Dawson."

Well-tho' the frigate's not so much bedizen'd, [Looking about. 'Tis snug enough!-'tis clever for the size on't, And they can treat with all that's worth regarding On board the Drury-Lane or Common-garden. Bell rings.] Avast!-a signal for the launch, I fancy;

What say you, Sain, and Dick, and Doll, and Nancy?

Since they have trimm'd the pleasure-barge so tightly,

Shan't

you, and I, and Sall, come see them nightly?

The jolly crew will do their best endeavours; They'll grudge no labour to deserve your favours: A luckier fate they swear can ne'er behap 'em, Than to behold you pleas'd, and hear you stap en

EPITAPH ON JUDGE BOAT.

Here lies judge Boat within a coffin,
Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffing;
A Boat a judge? yes, where's the blunder!
A wooden judge is no such wonder!
And in his robes you must agree,
No Boat was better deckt than be.
'Tis needless to describe him fuller,
In short he was an able sculler.

SUPERFICIAL, IGNORANT, AND LEARNED READERS. Readers may be divided into three classes; the superficial, the ignorant, and the learned: al have with much felicity fitted my pen to the g be strangely provoked to laughter; which can and advantage of each. The superficial reader the breast and the lungs, is sovereign a spleen, and the most innocent of all diuretics. T ignorant reader, between whom and the former th distinction is extremely nice, will find himsel posed to stare, which is an admirable reme ill eyes, serves to raise and enliven the p and wonderfully helps perspiration. But the truly learned, chiefly for whose benefit 1 wit when others sleep, and sleep when others va will here find sufficient matter to employ is culations for the rest of his life.

THE TIPSY MEMBER.

A member of parliament applied to the past to know why some of his franks had been ce in The answer was: "We supposed, sir, they w of your writing. The hand is not the ama." not precisely the same; but the truth is, I ha to be a little tipsy when I wrote them." -The will you be so good, in future, to write draad, you make free."

* Qu. Whether the author meant scholar,

mistook.

SMOKING WAGER.

• INGENIOUS DEFENCE.

The principal solace of Dr. Aldrich between the A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and ariety of his learned pursuits, was that of smok- knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleadg; of which habit he was so fond, that, among ing, took to himself the liberty of jesting, and any other compositions, he produced a "Smok- thus said, "I charge you in the king's name, to g Catch," to be sung by four men smoking their seize and take away that man (meaning the Judge) pes. His excessive attachment to this amuse- in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life, ent becoming a subject of pleasant remark in the because of him." miversity, a student, one morning at breakfast, id his companion a wager, that the Dean was moking at that instant. Away they accordingly stened to the deanery; and, admitted to the udy, told the Dean the occasion of their visit; hen, addressing himself, in perfect good humour, him who had laid that he was smoking, he said, You see, sir, you have lost your wager; for I not smoking, but-filling my pipe."

pompous sheriff, dress'd exceeding fine,
ith awkward javelin-men, in double line;
wo judges eager for the hour to dine:
swaggering captain, with a blust'ring look
sembling Exon's noted, quoted-cOOK;
group of counsel whom one always sees

THE WONDERFUL WONDER OF WONDERS.

There is a certain person lately arrived at this city, of whom it is very proper the world should be informed. His character may perhaps be thought very inconsistent, improbable, and unnatural; however, I intend to draw it with the utmost regard to truth. This I am the better qualified to do, because he is a sort of dependant upon our family, and almost of the same age; though I cannot directly say, I have ever seen him. He is a native of this country, and has lived long among us; but what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never seen before, by any mortal.

It is true indeed he always chooses the lowest place in company; and contrives it so, to keep out of sight. It is reported, however, that in his younger days he was frequently exposed to view, but always against his will, and was sure to smart

for it.

As to his family, he came into the world a younger brother, being of six children the fourth in order of birth; of which the eldest is now head of the house; the second and third carry arms; but the two youngest are only footmen: some indeed add, that he has likewise a twin brother, who lives over against

ith spruce tie-wigs, and bands, sans briefs, sans him and keeps a victualling house; he has the re

fees:

tornies anxious to create dispute,

d ever wishing for a Chancery-suit ;

w country girls, not much averse to please

ose lucky counsel, who have touch'd some fees; ies who find for plaintiff or defendant,

st as their stomachs feel, to make an end on't;

e town all uproar, riot, noise, and pother, d drunken witnesses one upon t'other,

putation to be a close, griping, squeezing fellow ; and that when his bags are full, he is often needy; yet when the fit takes him, as fast as he gets he lets it fly.

When in office, no one discharges himself, or does his business better. He has sometimes strained hard for an honest livelihood; and never got a bit, till every body else was done.

One practice appears very blamable in him; that

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