T

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

The Parson's balloon--is the pulpit,' you'll say;
No! no! my good friends-have patience, I pray!
"Tis true that the clergy love preaching-by fits;
But the Parson's balloon is the same as the Cit's.
In Lunardi, our hero, the ladies delight;

On him they make stanzas, of him dream all night:
And with him each fair one would fly to the moon,
While with pleasure to all he displays his balloon.
My aerial theme I'll now bring to an end,
And conclude, as begun, to ballooners a friend;
May the gas which each chooses be fiuely instill'd,
And our favourite balloons be effectually fill'd.

LECTURE ON ENGLAND, BY A FRENCHMAN.
Ladies and Gentlemen,

In de discourse which I give to you on de top of
England, I propose to myself two things-first, I
shall make you to know de pronunciation most per-
fect of de English language; and next I show to you
de custom and manners-by dis I murder two birds
with one stone-one petit pierre. I am not liar nor
quack, to pretend talk about what he not understand,
dat vat I tell to you, in my grand ouvrage, is from de
demonstration ocular, dat is to say, it is all my eye.
I call myself Monsieur Charles Guillaume Denise
de Charlatanville, member of all de academie of
Europe civilized, dat is to say, of de Paris, dat which
I go to tell you of de manner, de fine art, de polite,
de society, de literature, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
I not only learned after I have live a long time in de
country, dat is to say, for seven weeks as prisoner of
war, in de prison of Port see mout, but I read it every
day in de journal, Anglice, de paper-it is true 1
never was in de capital, but I reside at Portseemouth,
1 shall begin vid de ladies of
vich is all de same.
England, dey drink very much gin-and make them-
selves drunk every day. I look from my little prison
window and see de ladies of Portseemouth roll about
de street-derefore it is true ven I say de ladies
of England drink wery mosh gin, and make herself
drunk every day. Every body in England are boxers,
de lady box wid de lady, the gentlemen box wid the
gentleman, and sometime de gentleman and lady box

one wid the other. If you look in deir dictionary you will find B-o-x, box, to fight wid de fist, every thing in England is decide by the fist.

You read in

the papier, dat de duchess of B. and lady C. were in
one grand box last night at de opera--to accuse de
prisoner, de witness box-to find him guilty, de jury
box. And dere is one grand day in the year ven dey
all go box one wid de other. De postman, de baker,
de dustman, de butcher, all fight together, and dis is
called grand Christmas-boxing. De English are very
much people for trade, dey permit him to sell his
wife, dey have considerable trade in wifes. In Smiss-
field, dey have de cattle-market, and as de vomen
are de troublesome cattle, de husband put a halter
round her neck, and lead her to Smissfield, and sell
her; 'tis the same in de every rank of life, for you
shall read in the journal dat de great lord he lead the
great lady to de altar, which mean he put de altar
round her neck, and take her to Smissfield, and sell
her. For de fine art de English are nobody, it is im-
possible, dere is de grand reason; dey eat so much
beef and pudding, and drink and sleep so very much,
dey have no room in de body for de genius; and it is
de rule on de first of September, to shoot de par-
tridge, and on de first of November to shoot himself.
De English nation are barbare. France is divided
from de England by one sea. Every nation civilized
come to France for de music, de dancing, de statu-
ary, de painting, de poetry: all the Europe come to
the grand nation for de every ting. For de literature
de English are nothing; for de painting dey copy the
tableau of Lebrun. For de statuary dey copy de sta-
tue superb of de garden of the Tuilleries-dey have
their Paradise Lost translated from de Henriade of
de immortal Voltaire, by one Jacky. Milton, dey
have de Hamlet of Ducis, wid Macbesh and Othello,
believe, de divine of de politics.
translated by one Billy Shakspeare. He was a cler-
gyman or bishop,

I shall not say much-dere is two parties in Eng-
land, one is called tory, and de other de perruque.
Ladies and Messieurs, I have exposed to you my
grand talent, and for de money I despise it, and if
you attend my lectures, I shall teach you how to

BENEFIT OF CORRECTION.

THE BEST STOCK.

Money, they say, is evil's root,

But we most justly doubt it: Can we expect good thriving fruit, From any stock without it?

CURE FOR HYPOCHONDRIACS.

but nobody dared to come near him, or to look that rtain bishop declared one day, that the punish- way, or to make the least noise, he was so touchy. used in schools did not make boys a whit bet-In the evening we had company, and then, Lord! more tractable; it was insisted that whipping Sir, to see how pleasant he was, so smiling and goodthe utmost service, for every one must allow it natured to every one that came! Think's I to myself, boy smart. who would take you to be such a devil! But I'm told its always the way with these mad people, sir; and Mr. Mitchell, my lord's chaplain, next door, who is a great scholar, says, that you might walk with one of 'em all over London, before you found him out, they're so sly and mysterious. When the ladies and gentlemen were gone he fell into his old way again, not so savage as before, but glumpy and impatient. All this morning you would have thought there was a corpse lying in the house, every body looked so dismal and went about like a ghost. But just now he has been getting worse than ever, and Mrs. Kitty the housemaid says he was heard talking of disinwriting-disinheri-what is it? You know what I mean, sir ;-hindering my young master, the counsellor, from coming to the fortune, and all for not having done something in the law, which they tell me he can't be expected to do as yet, being only forty years old. So my mistress, being frightened more at this than all the rest, thinks he must be mad outright, and has sent me to your honour, to see if any thing can be done."—I was glad to learn from honest John's relation that the fit had not lasted more than two days, since I should not have so much difficulty in tracing it up to its cause, as would have been the case with longer duration. I proceeded as fast as possible to the house; and on seeing his new visitor, the patient did not favour him with the accustomed smiles; he was aware that I understood his malady; and guessing my object, seemed to resign himself to the scrutiny with a kind of patient impatience. After feeling his pulse, examining what muscles had been most affected in his face, and satisfying myself from those about him how he had passed the last forty hours, I was pretty well enabled to follow back the disorder through its various excitements. I traced it speedily from his present fit of disinheriting to a wig-box belonging to his son,

tating the other evening, at that still and dehour, when it is just too dark to read but too have candles, I got into one of my usual reand fancied that I was a kind of mental doctor, n being overwhelmed with practice had stolen s slumber after dinner. In the midst of my nt, I thought that a footman came abruptly Il me to his master, who had been in a dismal told me, ever since the preceding morning, every kind of solace, and giving symptoms was apprehended to be insanity. I asked nan what he had seen of the disorder; and, was getting ready to go, he gave me the folelation: Sir," said he, I have always that my master was not quite right; but for o days he has been worse than ever. Such , and snarling, and kicking this thing and 'other, for all the world as if he had been his morning, I only went to give him his hich never can be polished enough to suit he kicked his slippers off in my face, and whether I meant to ruin him in blacking ? r yesterday he said that the sweet wine was broke one of the tumblers and kicked the r the table for it; swore that my mistress provoke him because she helped him to all bits at table; and smacked my young lady's going out of the room, which he said was his face. Afterwards he grew a little quiet,

"Zounds

which happened to have fallen in his way; from the to the grand secret of all,-to the founnis of the wig-box to a snuff-box which he had let fall after Nile of tears, to the immediate cause fl dinner; from the snuff-box to an uneasy dozing in taunts, trials, and miseries which a whole his chair; from the dozing in his chair to an enormous had been suffering for two long days, and meal during which he had abused all that he swal-nobody but myself dared to mention to the p lowed; from the enormous meal to a speech made by being.-It was A PIN!-Our hero had tak his wife, who had kindly begged him not to venture comb to his head, when a pin which has so much upon a dish that had disagreed with him; found its way between the teeth and ba from the speech of his wife to the face of a servant right angle from it by the head, gare who stood near, and who appeared to him to be scratch on the pericranium. laughing in his sleeve; from the servant, after a the gentleman, turning red. "Bless us!" number of petty turns and stumbling blocks too the lady, turning pale; and then the numerous for detail, to the well-blacked shoes; from ensued, which put an end to two whole day of the well-blacked shoes, to a hasty mouthful of hot humour on his part and an equal holiday tea; from the hasty mouthful of hot tea to getting on that of his household. up late; from getting up late, which it seems he did I asked whether my patient had any t♫* half from sleepiness and half from being ashamed to mour, and understanding that if any thing cc-7 show his face, to restlessness and peevishness all him out of his fits, it was a droll story, night; from restlessness and peevishness all night to a stroke of wit, or any other pleasant surpris, a hearty supper, which he abused as usual; from the down to his sitting-room with great gravity, he hearty supper to another entreaty on the part of his my hand a little packet of many papers aner !! wife-here I lost scent for a time, for as the foot-ped over one another and containing, i man had said, he had been uncommonly pleasant or innermost shell, the cause of irritatio during the stay of his company; but I found the link of me, he uttered a half-smothered e again in the gentleness of his daughter, who had left impatience, and casting down his eyes zná 1. the room, as the footman related;-from the gentle- aside a little in his chair, began a kind o ness of his daughter, who I found was very like her duet between his right leg and his watch-chaz mother, I went on with my tracing to the good things not ask him how he felt or whether he w to which his wife had helped him at dinner; from well knowing that such questions in 6the good things to which his wife helped him at din were something worse than of no use, ner to a glass which he broke in the middle of it; at once into conversation, I remarked from the broken glass to an agitation of nerves, cure of a malady became when once is da arising from a refusal which he had just given an old ascertained friend who wanted to borrow a little money of him; from the refusal given his old friend to the tears and patience of his family all the morning; from the tears and patience of his family to a long lecture which he had been giving them on their want of real attach-is good sense." ment to him; from the long lecture he had been giving them to another sulky and peevish breakfast; from the sulky and peevish breakfast to a private mysterious lecture given to his wife before he came down stairs; and, at last, from the private lecture, I came

"Ah." said he, "I put no faith in med "And myself little or none," retumsa i ticularly in diseases of the mind; but the thing in which I put a great deal of furth

He left off his duet, and looked up in less sulkiness of manner, as if he was ca to himself a compliment so new to his

"I do not mean," he rejoined. * to sba respect to your profession, Doctor; bat

"People who will not be well," cried he, beginning to smile" they must be fools indeed. For my part I certainly do think highly of good sense, though I confess I don't care a pin for medicine."

influence upon a thinking and well-informed man,
who in all things else is as sober as you or I?"
"Why," returned he, "I do not know what you
mean by keeping that grave face of yours, but how
such a man could be thinking and well informed,
unless he is a genius run mad, I cannot imagine.
But you are joking, I see, and I like a man of your
vein prodigiously. Yes, yes, Doctor, you and I must
be friends; I see that."

"You do me honour," said I, with an inclination of the head; the unfortunate gentleman, of whom I am speaking, has invited my friendship, but I hardly know what to say to it."

"Why, if the man is mad," rejoined my patient, it is rather an awkward business. But perhaps you may do something for the poor fellow."

Have a care, my good friend," said I, with increasing gravity, "how you speak disrespectfully of" pins." He started, but I affected to take no notice of his surprise, and went on:-" These little instruments, formed and perfected by a greater number of hands than would take to write five epic poems, have acted an important part on the theatre of the world, -for not to mention the infinite service they render to our modern fair ones in fixing their shapes and giving them beauties not to be found in nature herself, let it be recollected, that with a pin a Roman Emperor once passed away his leisure hours and diverted bis death-dealing qualities from men to flies; let it be recollected, that with a pin the wife of Antony thought herself amply revenged on the fatal eloquence of Cicero, whose tongue she pierced with an hundred wounds; and let it never be forgotten, that in the abbey of Westminster, the repository of England's poets and philosophers, a lady who owed her death to the prick of a pin, owes to it also her immortality."

Ridiculous enough," cried he, containing himself no longer :-"You see, Doctor, what a fuss these women make about their pins, and I do not wonder you are struck with the folly of the poor things!" Nay," said I, still keeping my countenance, you forgot the Roman emperor I mentioned. What will you say, if I show you an instance of sheer misery produced among one's fellow-creatures in familiar life by means of a pin, and this too from its

"Your feelings delight me," said I," and I am sure they will not be less well inclined when you hear the whole of my new friend's case."-So saying, I told him how I had been called in by the gentleman's family, and, in fact, commenced his own story in a way which, if it had not been himself that was hearing it, might have been discovered in an instant. It was curious however to hear how he reproached the hero for giving such way to his disorder, and above all, how he pitied those about him, who had to bear so many ill-humours,-not forgetting to laugh in the midst of his comments, and to wonder what ridiculous nonsense could have given rise to such a fit. Seeing him in so fair a way to receive my physic, I then drew out my pocket-book, and from the notes I had made, proceeded to read over to him the list of his own vagaries, commencing regularly with the wig-box as aforesaid. At first, he started somewhat violently; but in a moment looked down with great seriousness, and made every now and then signs of amazement: when I came to the mouthful of hot tea, he could scarcely refrain from laughing; but I observed, that the treatment of his daughter touched him, and at the passage about refusing his friend a little assistance, he shifted uneasily in his chair:—at last, on arriving at the words that ushered in the climax of the account, I stopped very quietly, and unwrapped,