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bowed out of the room by sir Jeremy Treacle and s fat wife.” “ Cheltenham " “Worse; its alays full, and nobody there.” “Brighton t” “Oh, rrid! I decidedly object to Brighton; you might most as well be at Bagnigge-wells on a Sunday.” ye, I recollect when I was a young man, Brighton od to be about seventy miles from town; but now, at with the plaguy short cuts and modern improveints, it is not above fifty-four.” “Well, then, supie we all go to Paris?” “Pray, sir Larry, can you me how far it is from the coast to the capital " wo, upon my conscience, that I cannot; you might well ask me how far it is from the capital to the st.” “O! you creature, you know you can, you e been there, you know.” “Yes, madam, that before the revolution, and I am told that things plaguily altered since.” “But you can't speak

Ianguage.” “O, leave me alone for that. I e two bows to my string : I'll try them with ..” “You had better try them with Spanish ; all ranks comprehend.” “Well, then, Paris be

lip for France, there, for Paris is the only place fashion, bagatelle, esprit, for elegance and grace.

re shall we go to enjoy ourselves this summer, love e mayor and court of aldermen will tour it at Broadstairs; sey or Richmond we're surely now a cut above, d' Putney's grown so vulgar, that 'tis only fit for bears. must go on the salt sea, and mingle with the Parlez woos, 1 get the Parish polish and the true French cut; lo, my dear sir Jeremy, consent, you surely can't refuse, wi, o can think of Margate, why 'twould make one quite a butt. 4,-,-] “Margate, indeed: I wonder you have o, e recard for one's quality, than mixing and ting with the Sparrowgrasses and such low “ ,w hy, my lady, you used to be very foud “Yes, sir Jeremy, that was before

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you was laade a knight of.” “Good morning, lady Shortdip.” “I take this here wisit wery kind of you, wery kind indeed; and how is sir Christopher, now he is one of us nobility ?” “He’s very well, thankee, but he don't go out to-day; this is melting day, and the knight's up to his elbows in tallow.” “Indeed, then all the lights he makes now will be night lights, I suppose.” “What do you think of Margate, lady Shortdip !” “Now, what's the use of teazing about our family affairs.” “Why, I was going to Hastings, but I understand your friend, Mrs. Maggotts, the cheesemonger, is there.” “My friend she's no. friend of mine ; we do condescend to sarve them with: grocery, but we don't wisit, I can assure you. No, we don't wisit, nor ever mean to wisit. No no I her husband's a rank demagog; and now I am a marr of title, of course I am an aristogog.” “The duchess of Trumps is at the Isle of White.” “Indeed; their she is the only one of us that is there, for we are gone to Paris.” “What's the use of going to Paris, spending a mint of money besides, we don't understand their lingo.” “But we can have Dick home from school to interpret for us.” “Aye, but what's to be seen there, but what we can see in London, eh?” “Why, there's the king and mounseer, and the duchess of Angoulemme, and the goblins and guillotine, and . for a penny a joind, and Champagne instead of small beer.” “Indeed, is there, by jingo! why then,

Ya hip ! for France, there, for Paris is the only place For fashion, bagatelle, esprit, for elegance and grace.”

Where shall we go to, this summer, Mr. Bunhill, dear ! For I am sick and tired quite of stewing in the

shop : We'll go o Highgate, wife, and ramble through the tunnel, dear, And get some tea at Hampstead, or at Mother Red Cap's stop. Highgate—not a bit of it—No, that I do purtest, my love, There's nothing in one's own country that's worthy being seen;

646 THE LAUGHING Phi LOSoPHER.

Why shouldn't we in foreign parts our heads hold with the best, my love? So let us go to Paris, for there Mrs. Muggs has been.

Spoken.] “I wish you'd mind your business, and go on shelling the peas, we have no time for pleasure.” “We might go out some times, I think, as well as one's betters.” -“Go on shelling the peas, I tell you, and let your betters alone.” “O, what you throw that in my dish, do you; but you want me to be as vulgar as Mrs. Grits, that low-life woman, that keeps the chandler's shop, next door.” “Them tatoes, ma'am, are a penny a pound, if you don't like 'em, leave 'em ; nice French beans, ma'am ; talking of French beans, ma'am, are you going to France t” “Mind the shop, I tell you, and perhaps at the end of the season, we may have a sail up the river to Gravesend.” “I think I see myself sailing to Gravesend, when every body's going to Paris.” “Mind the shop, I say.” “Very well, them peas are eighteenpence a peck, maam.” “You might get there for a little more, and as you are yearning a good livelihood—no salary to-day, ma'am–and as we are getting up in the world—fine season for mushrooms,

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ma'am—or you'd get knighted like your friend, sir Jeremy Treacle, and make a lady on me.” “That's no such easy matter, I can tell you.” “How do you do, Mrs. Button, pray are you going to France '' “No, I am going to Paris!” “Aye, I thought you'd go. I should forget all my English in a week.” * Should you, I am sure that's a very desirable object. Hère, Bill, go and book two places, your mother says she shall forget her English.”

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Lavater dar’nt not show his face,
Gall and Spurtzheim have made such a to
Physiognomy mourns her sad case,
Her former renown has quite fled;
Craniology's now all the go,
No need of daylight for remark,
Any man you may thoroughly know
(If you but feel his head) in the dark.
Lavater declared that he could
Tell a man if he got but a stare,
Craniology is not so rude,
But can judge what you are to a hair:
For nature she gave each man's scuil,
When she made us, such rare clever tear-
You can tell if we're witty or duti,
Good or bad, by our lumps and our buro.
So if but a rape of the lock,
For Spurtzheim's sake you have a hard -
Of each Craniological block,
You'll the key gain of nght understasis;
Then keep but the organs in play,
And balance the one 'gainst the other,
You'll find out as clear as the day.
Their characters, void of all bother.

w

The doctor and soldier alike, Destructiveness' organ have, will, 'hat this proper is, all men must strike, The business of both is to kill; : this science, good friends, an adept, To hit on the right head ne'er miss'd, you only take care, to except, Bumps got by the stick or the fist.

Lectures ox cre AxiologY. entlemen, you see before,you de renowned Baron Donderdronk, Von Hoaxburg, Von Puzzledorf, Chouseiem, D. D.—A. B. C. D. and fiddle de Gentlemen, it was I who fairst discovered de s and bumpishness of de caput humanum, h, like de uman mind, had been so long hid, de dimond in de mine, under wigs, whiskers, ney-pot hats, and coal-scuttle bonnets. Gentlede bald head is de true index curtorious of de mind. When de barber shaves a man's head, laim, what a fine open countenance—when you your friend in de street, you take off your hat, all right, and you look in his face and say, lo you do, that is all wrong; you should turn a back, and pate to pate, and rub your hand is poll and say, I am glad too see you are pretty tankee. If you pass your hand over de back of II, you shall find if de male come from the east west of Temple-bar. If you pass your hand e left cavity of de skull, and he came from de wou shall find de organ of nothing to do ishness, its about ereism; and if you rub on de left side, come from de east, you shall find de organ of our shop percism.”

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at Calais, face rather pale is, cers, coffee, sirs—passport; Searching for smuggery—wine in the snuggery, Lots of humbuggery, glass, port. Somewhat reviving—thanks to French living, Lots of blunt giving—poor John Bull ; Hey for the diligence—seek for intelligence, Rumbling, tumble in, sad gull— Rattling—tattling, Eating—treating, - Cheating—beating, Munmery—flummery, When a man roves, he must make up his mind To bad and good luck, and mishaps of all kind. Good luck and mishaps of all kind. Flapping of sails—breezes and gales, Fright'ing 'em, lighting 'em, blow, blow— Qualms and fears—darlings and dears, Holding 'em, scolding 'em, oh! oh! Reaching all o'er—getting on shore, Hugging 'em-lugging 'em—o la! Bowing Monsieurs—fright disappears, Huffing 'em—bluffing 'em—sa, sa! Lots of ragoos, fricassees, stews, Eau de vie—who but we, strut, strut. Fam'd diligence—rumble through France, Smacking whip—cracking whip—cut, cut: Abbeville—quite genteel, Reach Montreuil—in the cool, * Paris see—gay and free, Killewax—guests in packs, Opera—have a stare, Thuilleries—statues, trees, Boulevards—leave our cards, Money spend—there's an end. When a man roves, he must make up his mind To bad and good luck, and mishaps of all kind; Good luck and mishaps of all kind.

lit En A R Y ART I Lt. En Y. Upon the publication of Bolingbroke's Deistical Works by M. Dr. Johnson observed, “That Bolingbroke had charged a cannon against heaven with all the artillery of hell, and Mallet had set a match to it.”

*

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Flattest Y A lady of high ton complimented Frederick the Great so extravagantly, that he was rather distressed at it, saying, “That he was covered with glory, was the paragon of Europe, and in short the greatest monarch and man on earth.” “Madam,” replied the king, “you are as handsome as an angel, witty, elegant, and agreeable, in short, you possess all the amiable qualities; but you paint.” Ricii ARDSON, AUTHOR OF CI, A R ISS.A. A pert young lady having determined to put Richardson out of countenance, who was as remarkable for his modesty, on his coming into a numerous company, “ Lord! sir,” says she, “you certainly have a wonderful talent at description ; but, I fear, sir, you must have much frequented brothels, to be able to describe them so well.” “I fear, madam,” replied Richardson, “you have been often there, since you know they are so well described.'

picturtle cr A Bar D.

Hard the poet's hapless lot,
Who no loaf or cheese has got! .
In apartment next the sky,
Or (if you please) in garret high,
W. a ladder you must crawl,
ith careful step, or else yeu fall
From Parnassus to the ground,
Laugh’d at by the Muses round.
Reams of paper mark his trade;
Here and there a Letter laid;
On some his flaming Seat is prest,
A Lion Rampant for his crest;

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“Well, never mind, keep a good heart.” “Keep— a man need have a stomach of iron, to kee any thing, I think.” “O dear, Molly, Molly, where's my servant? I’m dying.” “So am I, ma'am, and can't come.” “How dare you be ill when I want you?” “Captain, Captain, bring me the brandy bottle, I am going to go.”. “Pray, Captain, was any person ever lost here !” “No, sir, several's been drowned, but we always found 'them again.” “Sir, the next time you're taken so, I'd thank you to turn your head, you've quite spoilt my wife's pelisse, sir.” “If people's taken suddenly ill, people can't help other people's pelisses, sir.” “Captain, could I la down a bit " " Yes, sir, there's a bed below, there's only three in it.” “Captain, my hat's overboard.” “Never mind your hat, sit.” “I should'nt, but my wig is in it.” “There's a whale.” “A whale? where, where ! I'd give a hundred guineas to see a whale; never saw a whale in all my life.” “No, sir, it's only a mispronounciation, sir, that's all ; it's my wife's wail, what she wears over her vig, sir that's all.” “O, is it.” Then Yeo, yeo, my hearties, now then we're going, England's white cliffs we are leaving behind ; Yeo, yeo, my hearties, it stiffly is blowing, Well, we the quicker shall sail, never mind. All stand aside, there, the tempest is clearing, Slacken your foresail, for landing prepare : Where is my quadrant? we Calais are nearing, The harbour's in sight, and the wind it blows fair, Soon o'er a bowl ji forget every danger past, A true Dover lad values storms not a pin; Our * is safe, we've our port safely reach'd at ast, The tide flag is flying, and we can goin. (Spoken.)—“Tell me, Captain, can't you make the pier of Calais ?” “Yes, and I can run foul of the . too.” “No, I bar that,” says Twizzle. “Where's the breakers ?” “ There, ahead.” “What's he say? break my head.” “What's that the bar 1 dear me, I always thought it was a large ole of iron.” “And I always thought it was like 'emple Bar!” “Captain, how are we to go ashore,

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