THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. to get his name up; for it appears that there | court. All tradesmen and mechanics should be allowed to fight secundum artem, or professionally, on ne éclat to be obtained in it in this age. re has been a benevolent practice, occasionally paying their fees, which may be regulated by the ed to by considerate and confederated seconds, lord mayor and corporation of the city of London, stituting cork-bullets, exactly painted like lead, in cooperation with the chancellor; for a merchant, difficult to determine of the more deadly metal. Again, the friendly so much; a banker, a bookseller, a baker, in due rence of a pair of Bow-street officers, in the proportions: with authors it nick of time, has warded off, most probably, a how to act; for though their battles (and the fraFodious bullets. The parties become cool, the ternity are for ever fighting, like scorpions and spis interfere, and the magistrates hand the welders) are full of gall, being generally waged in liquid bond to the furious combatants to keep the ink, yet having, of late, measured the field of honour, If neither cork-bullets nor paper-pellets can in ambition of their betters, or the Desœuvres-the ained, nor the presence of peace officers, then nothing-to-do gentlemen, what measure of money to logy may come hobbling up to close the scene, prescribe for an author's license is rather difficult. by a masterly casuistry in the wording, leaves Their poverty and their pride are well known : still ginal honour of both parties in statu quo. It the gareteer, who wages perpetual war in pamphlets be unfair to deprive officers of the army, who and periodicals, should be allowed full credentials," it appears, wash out affronts given them in if the money is even advanced by the literary fund. dversary's blood, of so great a luxury: still The law of honour is above all other laws, else why ght venture to propose, that the chancellor of do barristers not only have verbal battles, but pistol' chequer, for the time being, should be em- rencontres; and even our senators, the makers of d to expressly permit, nay, to encourage, laws, become the breakers of laws in this respect. A prudential avoiding a causeless quarrel, is called gs at Chalk Farm, by allowing duellists to pon a stamped certificate being duly had and cowardice; and to take an affront, baseness and , with a stamp of 500%. affixed thereupon, or meanness of spirit: to refuse fighting, and putting all sum of 250% for any printed apology, being life on the chance of a bullet, a practice forbid by ly stamped and registered as aforesaid. Then, the law of God and all good governments, is still parties dared, after this proclamation, to called cowardice; and a man is bound to die duelling, de a duel, not having paid the fees, to be or live and be laughed at. This trumping up of guilty of murder, and hung upon the top of imaginary things, called bravery and gallantry, se Hill, for the benefit of the rooks and crows. naming them virtue and honour, is beyond what we ors and attornies, the former being privileged know of the jocose, seeing that such inconsistences, and the latter to take away, may, as they too and such absurdities as the following reasoning, are vating upon the field of honour, be put upon made to go down with mankind; for example, A. is ith the military. In fact, getting their money found in bed with B.'s wife; B. is the person injured, easier, they perhaps ought to pay more to and therefore offended, and coming into the chamShould the clergy ever dare to fight the ber with his pistol or sword in hand, A. loudly exthis manner, which to their honour is rarely claims, "Why, sir, you wont murder me, will you? , then their tenths should be commuted into As you are a man of honour, let me rise, and meet hs, and they compelled to read the funeral you." B. therefore, being put in mind that he is a over each departed duellist, and the offices man of honour, starts back, and must act an honoure sick who have been winged; express forms able part; so he lets A. get up, put on his clothes, h should be composed by the ecclesiastical take his sword or pistols; then they fight, and B, is e. killed for his honour; whereas, had the laws of God, of nature, and of reason, taken place, the adulterer and adulteress should have been taken prisoners, and carried before the judge, and should have been immediately sentenced, he to the block, and she to the stake; and the innocent-abused husband had no reason to have run any risk of his life for being cornuted. Defoe, who writes thus, goes on to say, that the aggrieved person, to be put on a par, might say, in order to render such reasoning on the law of honour consistent," No, sir! say I, let me lay with your wife too, and then, if you desire it, I will fight | you; then I am upon even terms with you." Sterne says, the enjoyment of life is a tranquil acquiescence under an agreeable delusion, whence it has been said to be a jest, ut it is not so. He further says, that every animal in the creation as it grows older grows graver, except an old woman, and she grows frisky. It has been somewhere observed, that when an old man has one foot in the grave, an old woman has a foot in the stars. Life has been compared to the running of tea, though the first and last decoction be equally weak, the one gives the flavour of the herb, the other but its faeces. Lord Chesterfield says, a man has but a bad bargain of it at the best; and the most natural conclusion is that it is the shadow of a shade.-To conclude: a man must laugh before he dies, or he must go out of the world without laughing!!! TO BEAUTY Beauty, thou pretty pouting roguish jade, Lips of the reddest therry's hue, PARIS IS THE ONLY PLACE. Where shall we go to enjoy ourselves tha dear? " "Good morning, lady wed out of the room by sir Jeremy Treacle and you was made a knight of." fat wife." "Cheltenham ?" 66 Worse; its al- Shortdip." "I take this here wisit wery kind of you, s full, and nobody there." Brighton?" "Oh, wery kind indeed; and how is sir Christopher, now id! I decidedly object to Brighton; you might he is one of us nobility?" "He's very well, thankee, st as well be at Bagnigge-wells on a Sunday." but he don't go out to-day; this is melting day, and e, I recollect when I was a young man, Brighton the knight's up to his elbows in tallow." "Indeed, to be about seventy miles from town; but now, then all the lights he makes now will be night lights, with the plaguy short cuts and modern improve- suppose." "What do you think of Margate, lady s, it is not above fifty-four." Well, then, sup- Shortdip?" "Now, what's the use of teazing about. we all go to Paris?” “Pray, sir Larry, can you our family affairs." "Why, I was going to Hastings, ne how far it is from the coast to the capital?" but I understand your friend, Mrs. Maggotts, the upon my conscience, that I cannot; you might cheesemonger, is there." "My friend! she's no ll ask me how far it is from the capital to the friend of mine; we do condescend to sarve them with "O! you creature, you know you can, you grocery, but we don't wisit, I can assure you. No, been there, you know." "Yes, madam, that we don't wisit, nor ever mean to wisit. No! no! before the revolution, and I am told that things her husband's a rank demagog; and now I am a man Jaguily altered since." But you can't speak of title, of course I am an aristogog." "The duchess anguage." "O, leave me alone for that. I of Trumps is at the Isle of White." "Indeed; ther two bows to my string: I'll try them with she is the only one of us that is there, for we are gone "You had better try them with Spanish; to Paris." " What's the use of going to Paris, spendll ranks comprehend." Well, then, Paris being a mint of money? besides, we don't understand their lingo." "But we can have Dick home from. school to interpret for us." Aye, but what's to be seen there, but what we can see in London, eh?" duchess of Angoulemme, and the goblins and guilloWhy, there's the king and mounseer, and the tine, and grapes for a penny a pound, and Champagne instead of small beer.". Indeed, is there, by jingo? why then, p! for France, there, for Paris is the only place shion, bagatelle, esprit, for elegance and grace. shall we go to enjoy ourselves this summer, love? mayor and court of aldermen will tour it at Broadstairs; y or Richmond we're surely now a cut above, Putney's grown so vulgar, that 'tis only fit for bears. st go on the salt sea, and mingle with the Parlez voos, get the Parish polish and the true French cut; , my dear sir Jeremy, consent, you surely can't refuse, ho can think of Margate, why 'twould make Due quite a butt. 66 And get some tea at Hampstead, or at Mother Red Highgate-not a bit of it-No, that I do purtest, my There's nothing in one's own country that's worthy being seen; Why shouldn't we in foreign parts our heads hold with the best, my love? So let us go to Paris, for there Mrs. Muggs has been. Spoken.] "I wish you'd mind your business, and go on shelling the peas, we have no time for pleasure." "We might go out some times, I think, as well as one's betters." "Go on shelling the peas, I tell you, and let your betters alone." O, what you throw that in my dish, do you; but you want me to be as vulgar as Mrs. Grits, that low-life woman, that keeps the chandler's shop, next door." "Them tatoes, ma'am, are a penny a pound, if you don't like 'em, leave 'em ; nice French beans, ma'am; talking of French beans, ma'am, are you going to France?" "Mind the shop, I tell you, and perhaps at the end of the season, we may have a sail up the river to Gravesend." "I think I see myself sailing to Gravesend, when every body's going to Paris." "Mind the shop, I say." Very well, them peas are eighteenpence a peck, ma am.' "You might get there for a little more, and as you are yearning a good livelihood-no salary to-day, ma'am-and as we are getting up in the world-fine season for mushrooms, ma'am but you have no pluck-try those kidneys, ma'am or you'd get knighted like your friend, sir Jeremy Treacle, and make a lady on me.' "That's no such easy matter, I can tell you." "How do you do, Mrs. Button, pray are you going to France ?" "No, I am going to Paris!" "Aye, I thought you'd go. I should forget all my English in a week." ⚫ Should I am sure that's a very desirable object. Here, Bill, go and book two places, your mother says she shall forget her English." you, Ya hip for France, there, for Paris is the only place For fashion, bagatelle, esprit, elegance and grace. ORTHODOX DIVINITY. Parker, bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaintance what was the best body of divinity, answered, "That which can help a man to keep a coach and six horses." "LUMPS AND BUMPS.' Lavater dar'nt not show his face, Gall and Spurtzheim have made such a h Physiognomy mourns her sad case, Her former renown has quite fled; No need of daylight for remark, But can judge what you are to a hair! For Spurtzheim's sake you have a hand Of each Craniological block, You'll the key gain of night understand.n Then keep but the organs in play, And balance the one 'gainst the other, me doctor and soldier alike, THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER, Destructiveness' organ have, will, at this proper is, all men must strike, The business of both is to kill; his science, good friends, au adept, To hit on the right head ne'er miss'd, ou only take care, to except, Bumps got by the stick or the fist. LECTURES ON CRANIOLOGY. tlemen, you see before, you de renowned Baron Donderdronk, Von Hoaxburg, Von Puzzledorf, Chouseiem, D. D.-A. B. C. D. and fiddle de Gentlemen, it vas I who fairst discovered de and bumpishness of de caput humanum, like de uman mind, had been so long hid, - dimond in de mine, under wigs, whiskers, y-pot hats, and coal-scuttle bonnets. Gentlee bald head is de true index curtorious of de nind. When de barber shaves a man's head, im, what a fine open countenance-when you our friend in de street, you take off your hat, ll right, and you look in his face and say, you do, that is all wrong; you should turn and rub back, and pate to pate, your hand poll and say, I am glad too see you are pretty nkee. If you pass your hand over de back of , you shall find if de male come from the east est of Temple-bar, If you pass your hand left cavity of de skull, and he came from de Du shall find de organ of nothing to do ishness, about ereism; and if you rub on de left side, come from de east, you shall find de organ of our shop pereism.” ADS FOR A QUARTO; OP. THE PAINS OF man roves he must make up his mind from packet, amidst noise and racket, ing 'em, feeing 'em, trick, trick; Landing at Calais, face rather pale is, Officers, coffee, sirs-passport ; Somewhat reviving-thanks to French living, When a man roves, he must make up his mind Holding 'em, scolding 'em, oh! oh! Hugging 'em-lugging 'em-o la! Eau de vie--who but we, strut, strut. Reach Montreuil-in the cool, Money spend-there's an end. |