THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. o get his name up; for it appears that there | court. All tradesmen and mechanics should be allowed to fight secundum artem, or professionally, on éclat to be obtained in it in this age. e has been a benevolent practice, occasionally paying their fees, which may be regulated by the to by considerate and confederated seconds, lord mayor and corporation of the city of London, tituting cork-bullets, exactly painted like lead, in cooperation with the chancellor; for a merchant, of the more deadly metal. Again, the friendly so much; a banker, a bookseller, a baker, in due ence of a pair of Bow-street officers, in the proportions: with authors it is difficult to determine Lick of time, has warded off, most probably, a how to act; for though their battles (and the fraodious bullets. The parties become cool, the ternity are for ever fighting, like scorpions and spi=interfere, and the magistrates hand the welders) are full of gall, being generally waged in liquid Dond to the furious combatants to keep the ink, yet having, of late, measured the field of honour, If neither cork-bullets nor paper-pellets can in ambition of their betters, or the Desœuvres-the ained, nor the presence of peace officers, then nothing-to-do gentlemen, what measure of money to ogy nay come hobbling up to close the scene, prescribe for an author's license is rather difficult. by a masterly casuistry in the wording, leaves Their poverty and their pride are well known: still inal honour of both parties in statu quo. It the gareteer, who wages perpetual war in pamphlets be unfair to deprive officers of the army, who and periodicals, should be allowed full credentials," it appears, wash out affronts given them in if the money is even advanced by the literary fund. dversary's blood, of so great a luxury: still The law of honour is above all other laws, else why ht venture to propose, that the chancellor of do barristers not only have verbal battles, but pistol chequer, for the time being, should be em- rencontres; and even our senators, the makers of to expressly permit, nay, to encourage, laws, become the breakers of laws in this respect. 3 at Chalk Farm, by allowing duellists to pon a stamped certificate being duly had and 1, with a stamp of 500%, affixed thereupon, or 11 sum of 2501. for any printed apology, being y stamped and registered as aforesaid. Then, parties dared, after this proclamation, to e a duel, not having paid the fees, to be guilty of murder, and hung upon the top of se Hill, for the benefit of the rooks and crows. ors and attornies, the former being privileged and the latter to take away, may, as they too vating upon the field of honour, be put upon ith the military. In fact, getting their money easier, they perhaps ought to pay more to Should the clergy ever dare to fight the this manner, which to their honour is rarely then their tenths should be commuted into is, and they compelled to read the funeral aver each departed duellist, and the offices e sick who have been winged; express forms should be composed by the ecclesiastical e. A prudential avoiding a causeless quarrel, is called cowardice; and to take an affront, baseness and meanness of spirit: to refuse fighting, and putting life on the chance of a bullet, a practice forbid by the law of God and all good governments, is still called cowardice; and a man is bound to die duelling, or live and be laughed at. This trumping up of imaginary things, called bravery and gallantry, naming them virtue and honour, is beyond what we know of the jocose, seeing that such inconsistences, and such absurdities as the following reasoning, are made to go down with mankind; for example, A. is found in bed with B.'s wife; B. is the person injured, and therefore offended, and coming into the chamber with his pistol or sword in hand, A. loudly exclaims, "Why, sir, you wont murder me, will you? As you are a man of honour, let me rise, and meet you." B. therefore, being put in mind that he is a man of honour, starts back, and must act an honourable part; so he lets A. get up, put on his clothes, take his sword or pistols; then they fight, and B. is killed for his honour; whereas, had the laws of God, of nature, and of reason, taken place, the adulterer and adulteress should have been taken prisoners, and carried before the judge, and should have been immediately sentenced, he to the block, and she to the stake; and the innocent-abused husband had no reason to have run any risk of his life for being cornuted. Defoe, who writes thus, goes on to say, that the aggrieved person, to be put on a par, might say, in order to render such reasoning on the law of honour consistent, "No, sir! say I, let me lay with your wife too, and then, if you desire it, I will fight | you; then I am upon even terms with you." LIGHT PUN. Two gentlemen passing by some new houses, one of them observed that there were too few windows; but that circumstance, as it saved in part the tax, would be good for the liver. "True," says the other, but dd bad for the lights." THE GAME OF LIFE. Sterne says, the enjoyment of life is a tranquil acquiescence under an agreeable delusion, whence it has been said to be a jest, ut it is not so. He further says, that every animal in the creation as it grows older grows graver, except an old woman, and she grows frisky.-It has been somewhere observed, that when an old man has one foot in the grave, an old woman has a foot in the stars. Life has been compared to the running of tea, though the first and last decoction be equally weak, the one gives the flavour of the herb, the other but its faeces. Lord Chesterfield says, a man has but a bad bargain of it at the best; and the most natural conclusion is that it is the shadow of a shade. To conclude: a man must laugh before he dies, or he must go out of the world without laughing!!! TO BEAUTY Beauty, thou pretty pouting roguish jade, Lips of the reddest therry's hue, PARIS IS THE ONLY PLACE. Where shall we go to enjoy ourselves the dear? 46 THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. "Good morning, lady elbowed out of the room by sir Jeremy Treacle and you was made a knight of." "I take this here wisit wery kind of you, his fat wife." "Cheltenham ?" "Worse; its al-Shortdip." Brighton?" "Oh, wery kind indeed; and how is sir Christopher, now ways full, and nobody there." horrid! I decidedly object to Brighton; you might he is one of us nobility?" "He's very well, thankee, "Indeed, almost as well be at Bagnigge-wells on a Sunday." but he don't go out to-day; this is melting day, and "Aye, I recollect when I was a young man, Brighton the knight's up to his elbows in tallow." used to be about seventy miles from town; but now, then all the lights he makes now will be night lights, "What do you think of Margate, lady what with the plaguy short cuts and modern improve- I suppose." "Now, what's the use of teazing about Well, then, sup- Shortdip?" Why, I was going to Hastings, ments, it is not above fifty-four." go to Paris? Pray, sir Larry, can you our family affairs." " pose we all 64 My friend! she's no tell me how far it is from the coast to the capital?" but I understand your friend, Mrs. Maggotts, the "No, upon my conscience, that I cannot; you might cheesemonger, is there." as well ask me how far it is from the capital to the friend of mine; we do condescend to sarve them with: coast." "O! you creature, you know you can, you grocery, but we don't wisit, I can assure you. No "Yes, madam, that we don't wisit, nor ever mean to wisit. No! no! have been there, you know." was before the revolution, and I am told that things her husband's a rank demagog; and now I am a man "Indeed; ther "But you can't speak of title, of course I am an aristogog." "The duchess are plaguily altered since." the language." "O, leave me alone for that. I of Trumps is at the Isle of White. have two bows to my string: I'll try them with she is the only one of us that is there, for we are gone What's the use of going to Paris, spendIrish." "You had better try them with Spanish; to Paris." 'Well, then, Paris being a mint of money? besides, we don't understand that all ranks comprehend." their lingo." But we can have Dick home from Aye, but what's to be school to interpret for us." seen there, but what we can see in London, eh?" Why, there's the king and mounseer, and the duchess of Angoulemme, and the goblins and guilloIndeed, is there, by tine, and grapes for a penny a pound, and Champagne instead of small beer." jingo? why then, 66 Ya hip! for France, there, for Paris is the only place love? The mayor and court of aldermen will tour it at Hornsey or Richmond we're surely now a cut above, We must go on the salt sea, and mingle with the Parlez vous, And get the Parish polish and the true French cut; Now do, my dear sir Jeremy, consent, you surely can't refuse, For who can think of Margate, why 'twould make one quite a butt. Spoken.] "Margate, indeed: I wonder you have more regard for one's quality, than mixing and associating with the Sparrowgrasses and such low Why, my lady, you used to be very foud people." Margate." "Yes, sir Jeremy, that was before 64 46 Ya hip! for France, there, for Paris is the only place dear? For I am sick and tired quite of stewing in the shop; We'll go up to Highgate, wife, and ramble through And get some tea at Hampstead, or at Mother Red Highgate-not a bit of it-No, that I do purtest, my There's nothing in one's own country that's worthy being seen; Spoken.] "I wish you'd mind your business, and go on shelling the peas, we have no time for pleasure." "We might go out some times, I think, as well as one's betters." "Go on shelling the peas, I tell you, and let your betters alone." "O, what you throw that in my dish, do you; but you want me to be as vulgar as Mrs. Grits, that low-life woman, that keeps the chandler's shop, next door." Them tatoes, ma'am, are a penny a pound, if you don't like 'em, leave 'em; nice French beans, ma'am; talking of French beans, ma'am, are you going to France?" "Mind the shop, I tell you, and perhaps at the end of the season, we may have a sail up the river to Gravesend." "I think I see myself sailing to Gravesend, when every body's going to Paris." "Mind the shop, I say." Very well, them peas are eighteenpence a peck, ma am.' You might get there for a little more, and as you are yearning a good livelihood-no salary to-day, ma'am-and as we are getting up in the world-fine season for mushrooms, maʼam-but you have no pluck-try those kidneys, ma'am or you'd get knighted like your friend, sir Jeremy Treacle, and make a lady on me." "That's nó such easy matter, I can tell you." "How do you do, Mrs. Button, pray are you going to France ?" "No, I am going to Paris!" "Aye, I thought you'd | go. I should forget all my English in a week." Should you, I am sure that's a very desirable object. Here, Bill, go and book two places, your mother says she shall forget her English." present moment.” NECESSITY. A dull barrister once obtained the nickname of Necessity-because Necessity has no law. THE LAST JOURNEY. that to the next world-as people always set off on A wag once observed that the easiest way must be their journey with their eyes shut. "LUMPS AND BUMPS." Lavater dar'nt not show his face, Gall and Spurtzheim have made such a load, Physiognomy mourns her sad case, Her former renown has quite fled; No need of daylight for remark, Tell a man if he got but a stare, But can judge what you are to a hair! For nature she gave each man's seui!, When she made us, such rare clever thumps You can tell if we're witty or dull, Good or bad, by our lumps and our bes So if but a rape of the lock, For Spurtzheim's sake you have a hand 12, Of each Craniological block, You'll the key gain of right understanding Then keep but the organs in play, And balance the one 'gainst the other, You'll find out as clear as the day, Their characters, void of all bother. The doctor and soldier alike, Destructiveness' organ have, will, The business of both is to kill; LECTURES ON CRANIOLOGY. Landing at Calais, face rather pale is, When a man roves, he must make up his mind Holding 'em, scolding 'em, oh! oh! Gentlemen, you see before, you de renowned Baron Von Donderdronk, Von Hoaxburg, Von Puzzledorf, Von Chouseiem, D. D.-A. B. C. D. and fiddle de dee. Gentlemen, it vas I who fairst discovered de lumps and bumpishness of de caput humanum, which, like de uman mind, had been so long hid, like de dimond in de mine, under wigs, whiskers, chimney-pot hats, and coal-scuttle bonnets. Gentle-Qualms and fears-darlings and dears, men, de bald head is de true index curtorious of de uman mind. When de barber shaves a man's head, I exclaim, what a fine open countenance-when you meet your friend in de street, you take off your hat, dat is all right, and you look in his face and say, how do you do, that is all wrong; you should turn back to back, and pate to pate, and rub your hand over his poll and say, I am glad too see you are pretty well, tankee. If you pass your hand over de back of de skull, you shall find if de male come from the east or de west of Temple-bar. If you pass your hand over de left cavity of de skull, and he came from de west, you shall find de organ of nothing to do ishness, and gad about ereism; and if you rub on de left side, and be come from de east, you shall find de organ of mind your shop pereism." BEADS FOR A QUARTO; OP THE PAINS OF When a man roves he must make up his mind Hugging 'em-lugging 'em-o la! Eau de vie-who but we, strut, strut. Reach Montreuil-in the cool, LITERARY ARTILLERY. Upon the publication of Bolingbroke's Deistical Works by Mallet, Dr, Johnson observed, "That Bolingbroke had charged a cannon against heaven with all the artillery of hell, and Mallet had set a match to it." |