THEE he lives: His death-pang it will sweeten, for THEE to be carv'd-first by THEE to be eaten. there are sausages! there are the eggs! there the chickens with close-fitted legs! there is a bottle of brandy! there is some of the best sugar-candy, h is better than sugar for coffee! are slices from good ham cut off! he cut them was but an indifferent carver; inted the delicate hand of a barber. And there is a dish Butter'd over! and fish, Sleeping are mooth ice-like surface under: De closer pack'd together! a pie made of teal! one of widgeons! here's one of veal mix'd with pigeons ! is one full of partridges e's an excellent cold leg of mutton es and quinces that tart rich is! se ducks were but yesterday put on t: what a savour breathes from them, though cold! fire that produc'd it in ashes is sleeping, e savour survives: It will never grow old, the ducks their own selves are the worse for long keeping. ot's currant jelly! and that pberry jam! and that honey! at box you see there, so round and so flat, a cake! 'tis frosted over a black one! yet doth that blackness cover s within, as rich as rare. Plums are in it, many a one, That the schoolboy's darling are; Each into each, they seem but one! Yea, happy feasted bride!-But happier he, To win Eliza's love success shall crown: When postboys bear the bride's gay favours, Fast thundering Thro' the wondering Crowds that come out from all corners of the The chancellor and the masters all; Thy vats its fountains were, James Fell! Less white than snow, more white than mortar? See! see beef-steaks, and see a goose, And the thick-dropping cream, and the sugar fair; And that eternal pair, dry toast, and bread and butter. Oh! strange are the sights that are swimming before me! Won't that fierce boiling water flow o'er me? meter. In madness it dances and sings, And bubbling and tossing it flings The eye fondly pursues it, rejoic'd, yet perplex'd THE FRENCHMAN IN LONDON. "Helas mon Dieu," cried Monsieur de Torr "vat grande palais you call dat fine place's Palais Royal vere your king reside?" "Wh place down there, the Palais Royal! Loru stupid head, that's the Fleet prison." "Sup, t you please-I write down in my lectie book va call-umph? (writes) dat is de Palais Roga Lovet's stupid head, and de fleet is in pris vat you call dat grande maison do stand da great prince as live dere?" "What the e down by the water."-" That place down, AL E "That's one of the honours of Great Betaa what's call'd Greenwich Hospital;—that's ass" our brave British tars, who have worn out. and their strength, or may-be lost a libe their country's service, have a comfortable rema life. You can't boast of such a place, Nenes "Stay, sair, till I shall write (writer)—I green-vat you call-um-umph-as de Bre have lose dere limb make von grande retre sair, vat you call de house dere, down in és dere vid de"-"What, down there!e is thermo-that Blue Coat School, instituted by A cloud from its bosom : that cloud on the air clothes a hundred and seventy fine fat cliche Umph! de blue school do keep v and seventy leetle scoundrels, all lectie Vat yon call dat great black, smoky, dam house; dat is vat you call your bastile, you for de great man?" Umph! that black smoky house-E not exactly a prison, though a great many great men reside there. That-umph!—that is the palace of St. James's, where our beloved monarch holds his court." "Mon Dieu! dat de grand Palais Royal! sacre Dieu! Stop, sair; I vill take down vat you have say.-St. James live in de black ugly maison of de monarque, vid von hundred and seventy leetle rogue, all fine scoundrels, vich he feed vid a muffin,-dey make de grande retreat ard lose dere limb-in de green vat-you call-honeur to Great Britain-lord Lovet stupid head-put de fleet in prison-Ah! dat is good-dat vill do, sair." "Well, sir, have you made your proper remarks on our wonderful town?"-Sair, l'ave very much vonder at your gay metropolis." COGENT REASON. Some comedians had long promised a new piece, in which virtue was personified. A lady of quality who was impatient to see it, asked one of the actors why it was not represented. "We cannot represent it for a fortnight, because the young lady who was to play Virtue, has just been brought to bed." MARRIAGE PORTION. A woman of Athens, once asked a Lacedemonian wife, by way of satire, what portion she had given to her husband, "My chastity," was her noble reply. CONVIVIAL WILL. Will of Samuel Purlewent, late of Lincoln's Inn, in the county of Middlesex, Esq. deceased, proved Nov. 19, 1792. It is my express will and desire that I may be buried at Western, in the county of Somer et, if I die there, if not, to be carried down there, (but not in a hearse,) nor will I have any parade or coach to attend upon me, but let me be carried in any vehicle with all the expedition possible, to Bath, so as the same does not exceed the sum of 251. and when I arrive there, I direct six poor people of Western do support my corpse to the grave, and that six poor women and six poor men of Westeru do attend me to the grave, and that I may be buried at twelve at noon, and each of them to have half-a-guinea; and I hereby order and direct, that a good boiled ham, a dozen fowls, a sirloin of beef, with plumb-puddings, may be provided at the Crown, in Western, for the said eighteen poor' people, besides the clerk and sexton. And I allow five guineas for the same; and I request and hope they will be as merry and cheerful as possible, for I conceive it a mere farce to put on the grimace of weeping, crying, and snivelling, and the like, which can answer no good end, either to the living or dead, and which I reprobate in the highest terms.- -Codicil: I desire that after I am buried, there be a cold collation provided at the public-house, a sirloin of beef, potatoes, and a fillet of veal, with plenty of good ale, where I hope they will refresh themselves with decency and propriety. No friends, or relatives whatever to attend my funeral." AWKWARD QUESTION, A French general, who was at once jealous and parasitical, said to the duke d'Enghien, who had just gained the celebrated battle of Rocroi, in 1643. What will the envious now say of your glory?” “I know not," replied the prince; I should wish to ask you the question." THE STROLLING MANAGER. Behold me now at the summit of my ambition, "the high top-gallant of my joy,' as Romeo says. No longer a chieftain of a wandering tribe, but a monarch of a legitimate throne, and entitled to call even the great potentates of Covent-garden and Drury-lane cousins. You no doubt think my happiness complete. Alas, sirs! I was one of the most uncomfortable dogs living. No one knows, who has uot tried, the miseries of a manager; but above all, of a country manager.-No one can conceive the contentions and quarrels within doors the oppressions and vexations from without. I was pestered with the bloods and loungers of a country town, who infested my green-room, and played the mischief among my actresses. But there was no shaking them off. It would have been ruin to affront them; for though troublesome friends, they would have been dangerous enemies. Then there were the village critics and village amateurs, who were continually tormenting me with advice, and getting into a passion if I would not take it; especially the village doctor and the village attorney, who had both been to London occasionally, and knew what acting should be. I had also to manage as arrant a crew of scrapegraces as ever were collected together within the walls of a theatre. I had been obliged to combine my original troop with some of the former troop of the theatre who were favourites of the public. Here was a mixture that produced perpetual ferment. They were all the time either fighting or frolicking with each other, and I scarcely know which mood was least troublesome. If they quarrelled, every thing went wrong; and if they were friends, they were continually playing off some prank upon each other or upon me; for I had unhappily acquired among them the character of an easy, good-natured fellow-the worst character that a manager can possess. Their waggery at times drove me almost crazy; for there is being so vexatious as the hackneyed tricks and hoaxes and pleasantries of a veteran band of theatrical vagabonds. I relished them well enough it is true, while I was merely one of the company, but as manager I found them detestable. They were incessantly bringing some disgrace upon the theatre by their tavern frolics, and their pranks about the country town. All my lectures about the importance of keeping up the dignity of the profession and the respectability of the company were in vain. The villains could not sympathize with the delicate feelings of a man in station. They even trifled with the seriousness of stage business. I have had the whole piece interrupted, and a crowded audience of at least twenty-five pounds, kept waiting, because the actors had hid away the breeches of Rosalind; and have known Hamlet to stalk solemnly on to deliver his soliloquy, with a dishclout pinned to his skirts. Such are the baleful consequences of a manager's getting a character for good nature. I was intolerably annoyed, too, by the great actors who came down starring, as it is called, from London Of all baneful influences, keep me from that of a Lan don star. A first-rate actress, going the rounds of the country theatres, is as bad as a blazing comet whisking about the heavens, and shaking fire and plagues and discords from its tail. The moment one of these "heavenly Bodies" ap peared in my horizon, I was sure to be in hot water My theatre was overrun by provincial dancies, copperwashed counterfeits of Bond-street loungers, wio are always proud to be in the train of an actress froma town, and anxious to be thought on exceeding good terms with her. It was really a relief to me wha some random young nobleman would come in pursue of the bait, and awe all this small fry at a distance. I have always felt myself more at ease with a nobe man, than with the dandy of a country town. And then the injuries I suffered in my persemal dignity and my managerical authority, from the vis of these great London actors! Sblood, sir, I was t longer master of myself on my throne. I was beetored and lectured in my own green-room, and made an absoluted nincompoop on my own stage. There is no tyrant so absolute and capricious as a Londen star at a country theatre. I dreaded the sight of ali of them, and yet if I did not engage them, I was sure of having the public clamorous against me. They drew full houses, and appeared to be making my fortune; but they swallowed up all the profis v their insatiable demands. They were absolute tapeworms to my little theatre; the more it to in the poorer it grew. They were sure to leave me with za exhausted public, empty benches, and a score or two of affronts to settle among the town's folk, in co quence of misunderstandings about the taking places. But the worst thing I had to undergo in my m gerical career was patronage. Oh, sir! of all things deliver me from the patronage of the great perge of a country town. It was my ruin. You must in that this town though small, was filled with from and parties, and great folks; being a bes trading and manufacturing town. The mischie that their greatness was of a kind not to be settled by prejudices of the public in my favour. I cast round reference to the court calendar, or college of heraldry; my thoughts for the purpose, and in an evil hour they it was therefore the most quarrelsome kind of great-fell upon Mrs. Fantadlin. No one seemed to me to ness in existence. You smile, sir, but let me tell you have a more absolute sway in the world of fashion. there are no feuds more furious than the frontier feuds I had always noticed that her party slammed the box which take place in these "debatable lands" of gen- door the loudest at the theatre; that her daughters tility. The most violent dispute that I ever knew in entered like a tempest with a flutter of red shawls and high life was one which occurred at a country town, feathers; had most beaux attending on them; talked on a question of precedence between the ladies of a and laughed during the performance, and used quizmanufacturer of pins and a manufacturer of needles.zing glasses incessantly. The first evening of my At the town where I was situated there were per- theatre's reopening, therefore, was announced in petual altercations of the kind. The head manufac-staring capitals on the play bills, as under the paturer's lady, for instance, was at daggers-drawings tronage of " the Honourable Mrs. Fantadlin." with the head shopkeeper's, and both were too rich and had too many friends to be treated lightly. The doctor's and lawyer's ladies held their heads still higher but they in their turn were kept in check by the wife of a country banker, who kept her own carrge; while a masculine widow of cracked character and second-hand fashion, who lived in a large house, and claimed to be in some way related to nobility, looked down upon them all. To be sure her manners were not over elegant, nor her fortune over large; but then, sir, her blood-oh, her blood carried it all hollow; there was no withstanding a woman with such blood in her veins. After all, her claims to high connexion were quesLoned, and she had frequent battles for precedence at balls and assemblies with some of the sturdy dames of the neighbourhood, who stood upon their wealth and their virtue; but then she had two dashing daughters, who dressed as fine as dragoons, had as high blood as their mother, and seconded her in every thing: so they carried their point with high heads, and every body hated, abused, and stood in awe of the Fantadlins. Such was the state of the fashionable world in this self-important little town. Unluckily, I was not as well acquainted with its politics as I should have been. I had found myself a stranger and in great perplexities during my first season; I determined, therefore, to put myself under the patronage of some powerful name, and thus to take the field with the Sir, the whole community flew to arms! Presume to patronize the theatre! insufferable! and then for me to dare to term her "The Honourable!" What claim has she to the title, forsooth? The fashionable world had long groaned under the tyranny of the Fantadlins, and were glad to make a common cause against this new instance of assumption. All minor feuds were forgotten. The doctor's lady and the lawyer's lady met together, and the manufacturer's lady and the shopkeeper's lady kissed each other; and all, headed by the banker's lady, voted the theatre a bore, and determined to encourage nothing but the Indian Jugglers and Mr. Walker's Eidouranion. Such was the rock on which I split. I never got over the patronage of the Fantadlin family. My house was deserted; my actors grew discontented because they were ill paid; my door became a hammering place for every bailiff in the county; and my wife became more and more shrewish and tormenting the more I wanted comfort. I tried for a time the usual consolation of a harassed and henpecked man: I took to the bottle, and tried to tipple away my cares, but in vain. I don't mean to decry the bottle; it is no doubt an excellent remedy in many cases, but it did not answer in mine. It cracked my voice, coppered my nose, but neither improved my wife nor my affairs. My establishment became a scene of confusion and peculation. I was considered a ruined man, and of course fair game for every one to pluck at, as every one plunders a sink. |