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ing ship. Day after day some of the troop deserted, Euphem. Beatrice ! and like deserting soldiers carried off their arms and Beat. I'm groping for my slippers ; would you have accoutrements with them. In this manner ny wardrobe took legs and walked away, my finery strolled Walk baiefoot o'er the floors ? Lord, I should catek all over the country, my swords and daggers glittered My death of cold. in every barn, until, at last, my tailor made “ one Euphem. And musi thy mistress, thes, I say, must fell swoop," and carried off' three dress coats, half-a she dozen doublets, and nineteen pair of Besh-colovred Endure the tortures of the damned, whilst thon pantaloons. This was the “ be all and the end all" Art groping for thy slippers ? selfish wretch! of my fortune. I no longer hesitated what to do. Learn, thou shall come stark-naked at my bidding, Egad, thought I, since stealing is the order of the Or else pack up thy duds and hop the twig. day, I'll steal too ; so I secretly gathered together Bear. Oh, my lady, forgive me that
THE LOVESICK LADY AND HER ABIGAIL.
was so sio the jewels of my wardrobe, packed up, a hero's dress Ir yielding due obedieuce. Pray, believe re, in a handkerchief, slung it on the end of a tragedy It ne'er shall happen again. On, it would break sword, and quietly stole off at dead of night, " the My very heart io leave so beautiful bell then beating one,” leaving my queen and king- And kind a mistress. Oh, forgive me! (
ru) dom to the mercy of my rebellious subjects, aud my Euphem. Well, well; 1 fear I was too hany: merciless foes the bumbailiffs.
But want of sleep, and the fever of my bloud, Such, was the “end of all my greatness." Have soured my natural temper. Bring me the plus
Of physic left by that skilful leech Fernanda,
With Laudanum on the label. It stands
Upon the dressing-table, close by the rouge
Euphem. (sola.) Alas, Don Carlos, mine on Capricorn, Orion, Venus, and the Bear :
Dear wedded husband! wedded! yes; wedved I saw them each and all. And they are gone, In th' eye of heaven, though not in that of man, Yet not a wink for me. The blessed moon
Which sees the forms of things, bat least know Has journeyed through the sky: I saw her rise That which is in the heart. Ob, can it be. Above the distant hills, and gloriously
That some dull words, muttered by a persoa
And not the-
Beat. Laudanum on the label; right: As sound as a top. What, oh, Beatrice !
Here, my lady, is the physie you require. Thou art indeed the laziest waiting maid
Euphem. Then pour me out one hundred de That ever cursed a princess. Beatrice !
and fifty, Beatrice. Coming, your highness, give me time to With water in the glass, that I may quafi throw
Oblivion to my misery. My night-gown o'er my shoulders, and to put
Beat. 'Tis done My flannel dicky on ; 'tis mighty cold
Euphem. (drinks.) My head turns rouuu ; i Ai these hours of the morning.
into my brain,
LOSING A WIFE
The Lord gave,
I feel as is in paradise ! my seves mock me:
CHARACTER OF AN UNDERTAKER.
He is the master of the ceremonies at burials and I am thine own Euphemia. This is bliss
mouroing assemblies, grand marshal at funeral proToo great for ut:erance. Oh, ye gods
cessions, the only true yeoman of the body, over Of lícilespont and Greece! Alas, I faint.
which he exercises a dictatorial authority from the (Faints.
moment that the breath has taken leave to that of
its final comınitment to the earth. His ministry begins A young widower had the following inscription cod. Or if some part of the functions of the latter
where the physician's, the lawyer's, and the divine's, placed on the torr.bstone of his wife. Its piety is in- run parallel with his, it is only in ordine ad spiridisputable, but it is rather an equivocal expression tualia. His temporalities remain unquestioned. He of conjugal offection.
is arbitrator of all questions of honour which con. Here lies
cern the defunct; and upon slight inspection will Who died aged-years.
pronounce how long he may remain in this upper world with credit to himself, and when it will be
prudent for his reputation that he should retire. His and the Lord hath taken
determination in these points is peremptory and withBLESSED DE TIE NAME OF THE LORD!
out appeal. Yet with a modesty peculiar to his proMETAMORPHOSIS OF AGE.
fession, he meddles not out of his own sphere. With An elderly lady went to pay a visit to an old friend the good or bad actions of the deceased in his lifeof the other sex, who was on the point of death. The time he has nothing to do. He leaves the friends of daughter of the gentleman refused to allow her to the dead man to form their own conjectures as to the enter his chamber, observing to her that her father place to which the departed spirit is gone. His care 20 longer saw "Ah, madam, remarked
is only about the exuviæ. lle concerns not himself the lady, al my age there is no longer any seri"
even about the body, as it is a structure of parts
internal, and a wonderful microcosm. He leaves TIE COMMISSARY EMBARRASSED.
such curious speculations to the anatomy professor. A duchess was accused of witchcraft. A commis- Or, if any thing, he is averse to such wanton insary was appointed to examine her. The frightful quiries, as delighting rather that the parts which he has ugliness of the magistrate and his assumed gravity, care of should be returned to their kindred dust in might have alarmed any one else than the lady in as handsome and unmutilated a condition as possible ; question. However she quietly suffered him to fulfil that the grave should have its full and unimpaired his commission. She acknowledged that she had a tribute,-a complete and just carcass. Nor is be great desire to converse with the devil, and that she only careful to provide for the body's entireness, but had even seen his infernal majesty. "How is he for its accommodation and ornament. He orders the formed ?" asked the commissary. “In good faith, fashion of its clothes, and designs the symmetry of sir, if you wish me to describe him to the very nature, lits dwelling. Its vanity has an innocent survival in I must tell you that he resembles you as completely him. He is bed-maker to the dead. The pillows as two drops of water." Then addressing the clerk, which he lays never rumple. The day of intershe added, "Write down my answer." The com- ment is the theatre in which he displays the mystemissary, who saw that this proceeding would cause ries of his art. It is hard to describe what he is, or a laugh at his expense, thought it prudent to suppress rather, to tell what he is not, on that day : for, being the proces verbal,
neither kinsman, servant, nor friend, he is all in turns ;
the TYBunn tra AGEDY.
On the Murder of John Hays, by his wife Catherine, in 1726, for which she was burnt alive at Tyburn, May 9, in the same year.
In Tyburn-road, a man there liv'd
lined, and ruffled with fine crape ; a handsome crape throud, cap, and pillow. For use, a handsome velvet pal), three gentlemen's cloaks, three crape hatbands, hree hoods and scarfs, and six pair of gloves; two orters equipped to attend the funeral, a man to atend the same with band and gloves; also the burial 'es paid, if not exceeding one guinea.” “Man,” says Sir Thomas Browne, “is a noble al, splendid in ashes, and pompous in the grave.” Whoever drew up this little advertisement, certainly iderstood this appetite in the species, and has made oundant provision for it. It really almost induces ^edium vitae upon one to read it. Methinks I could willing to die, in death to be so attended. The o rows ail round close-drove best black japanned j}s, how feelingly do they invite and almost esistibly persuade us to come and be fastened down. hat aching head can resist the temptation to repose, uch the crape shroud, the cap, and the pillow, went what sting is there in death, which the idies with wrought gripes are not calculated to ck away what victory in the grave, which the ps and the velvet, pall do not render at least einely disputable 2 but above all, the pretty emnatic plate with angel above and flower beneath, is ine mightily. ue notice goes on to inform us, that though the ety has been established but a very few years, ards of eleven hundred persons have put down names. It is really an affecting consideration ink of so many poor people, of the industrious ,ard-working class (for none but such would be <ed of such a generous forethought) clubbing twopences to save, the reproach of a parishat. Many a poor fellow, I dare swear, has that and flower kept from the Angel and Punchwhile, to provide himself a bier, he has curhimself of beer. Many a savoury morsel has ling body been deprived of, that the lifeless one E.J. served up in a richer state to the worms. , re. if the body could understand the actions soul, and entertained generous notions of
is would thank its provident partner, that shel
had been more solicitous to defend it from dishonours at its dissolution, than careful to pamper it with good things in the time of its union. If Caesar were chiefly anxious at his death how he might die most decently, every Burial Society may be considered as a club of Caesars. Nothing tends to keep up in the imaginations of the poorer sort of people a generous horror of the workhouse more than the manner in which pauper funerals are conducted in this metropolis. The coffin nothing but a few naked planks, coarsely put together, —the want of a pall (that decent and well-imagined veil, which, hiding the coffin that hides the body, keeps that which would shock us at two removes from us), the coloured coats of the men that are hired, at cheap rates, to carry the body, -altogether, give the notion of the deceased having been some person of an ill-life and conversation, some one who may not claim the entire rites of burial,—one by whom some parts of the sacred ceremony would be desecrated if they should be bestowed upon him. I meet these meagre processions sometimes in the street. They are sure to make me out of humour and melancholy all the day after. They have a harsh and ominous aspect. If there is anything in the prospectus issued from Mr. Middleton's, Stonecutter's-street, which pleases me less than the rest, it is to find, that the six pair of gloves are to be returned, that they are only lent, as the bill expresses it, for use, on the occasion. The hoods, scarfs, and hatbands, may properly enough be given up after the solemnity; the cloaks no gentleman would think of keeping; but a pair of gloves, once fitted on, ought not in courtesy to be redemanded. The wearer should certainly have the fee-simple of them. The cost would be i. trifling, and they would be a proper memorial of the day. This part of the proposals wants reconsidering. It is not conceived in the same liberal way of thinking as the rest. I am also a little doubtful whether the limit, within which the burial-fee is made payable, should not be extended to thirty shillings. Some provision too ought to be made in favour of those well-intentioned persons and well-wishers to the fund, who having all along paid their subscriptions regularly, are so unfortunate as to die before the six months, which would entitle them to their freedom, are quite completed. One can hardly imagine a more distressing case than that of a poor fellow lingering on in a consumption till the period of his freedom is almost in sight, and then finding himself going with a velocity which makes it doubtful whether he shall be entitled to his funeral honours : his quota to which he nevertheless squeezes out, to the diminution of the comforts which sickness demands. I think, in such cases, some of the contribution-money ought to revert. With some such modifications, which might easily be introduced, I see nothing in these proposals of Mr. Middleton which is not strictly fair and genteel; and heartily recommend them to all persons of moderate incomes, in either sex, who are willing that this perishable part of them should quit the scene of its mortal activities with as handsome circumstances as possible. Before I quit the subject, I must guard my readers against a scandal which they may be apt to take at the place whence these proposals purport to be issued. From the sign of the First and the Last, they may conclude that Mr. Middleton is some publican, who, in assembling a club of this description at his house, may have a simister end of his own, altogether foreign to the solemn purpose for which the club is pretended to be i. I must set them right by informing them, that the issuer of these proposals is no publican, though he hangs out a sign, but an honest superintendant of funerals, who, by the device of a cradle and coffin, connecting both ends of human existence together, has most ingeniously contrived to insinuate, that the framers of these first and last receptacles of mankind divide this our life betwixt them, and that all that passes from the midwife to the undertaker Mos in strict propriety, go for nothing : an awful and instructive lesson to human vanity. ACCOMMODATING DEAFN ESS. Mr. Garrow in examining a witness who happened to be deaf, and whose deafness it was Mr. G.'s
The DEJ Eune. A pixpabic optAnd was the sorrow so profound, So deep the anguish of despuir Which seized Eliza's bosom fair, That like a sudden frost it bound Her utterance, and forbade to flow The murmuring eloquence of woe." And for a breakfast !—No 1 I must not think A breakfast o'er that heart could so preval, Nor, that the lost delight to eat and driak Could with such pangs that spirit pure - i. Though tranced fancy show'd the bloss dow: ** In visonary feast displaying all my larget. Yet well I know—for I beheld, (Though grief, my stomach's pride deko, Forbade me then to think of eating)– I know—for I, with sorrow queli’d, Sat gazing sad, for many an hour, The breakfast I might not devour;I know, how touch'd with hopes unknown to His cold heart kindling high with amoroso That larder sent forth all his bosom'd store, His out-spread pride, and pomp of threat “ Still, still I see it; nothing else I can see. while that unparamera Śreos: o, or " fancy. I see him—yes, I recognise him; IIigh 'mid the scene, in kingly state, Towering from gigantic plate, Mouth-watering fancy lonsing eyes hir. Kingly, yet rob’d but in his ow. 1)ark richness of deep-glowing brown, The great sirloin of beef -august be stark. In his pure native splendour full array'. No knife hath touch'd him; never mart. Lo
Have dar'd his majesty of form invade.