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thor should be required to mount, and stand his hour, who will not give a plain man leave to enjoy a exposed to the apples and oranges of the pit;this evening's entertainmeni, but with tbei: frothy jargon, amende honorable would well suit with the means and incessant finding of faults, either drowa his per: ness of some authors, who in their prologues fairly sure quite, or force him in his own defence to jasa in prostrate their sculls to the audience, and seem to their clamorouz censure. The hiss always originates invite a pelting. Or why should they not have their with these. When this creature springs his rarike, pens publicly broke over their heads, as the swords you would think, from the ovise it makes, there was of recreant knights in old times were, and an oath something in it; but you have only to examine the administered to them that they should never write instrument from which the noise proceeds, and you again.
will find it typical of a critic's tongue. -1 shallow The provocations to which a dramatic genius is membrane, empty, voluble, and seated in the most exposed from the public are so much the more vexa- contemptible part of the creature's body. tious, as they are removed from any possibility of re
The Whip Snake. This is he that lashes the partie taliation, the hope of which sweetens most other author the next day in the newspapers. injuries :-for the public never writes itself:- Not but something very like it took place at the time of Under this head may be classed all that portas al
The Deaf Adder, or Surda Echidna of Linares the 0.-P. differences. The placards wbich were the spectators (for audience they properly are most nightly exhibited, were, properly speaking, the com- who not finding the first act of a piece answer to the position of the public.-'T'he public wrote them, the preconceived notions of what a fust act sbuch beteg public applauded them, and precious morceaux of like Obstinate, in John Bunyan, positively the wit and eloquence they were ; except some few, of their fingers in their ears, that they may nou bew : a better quality, which it is well known were fur word of what is coming, though pertaps the be! nished by professed dramatic writers. After this next act may be composed in a style as difiereasca specimen of what the public can do for itself, it should possible, and be written quite to their own last be a little slow in condemning what others do for it. These adders refuse to hear the voice of the douzai. As the degrees of malignancy vary in people accord- because the tuning of his instrument gave these ing as they have more or less of the Old Serpent (the offence. father of hisses) in their composition, I have some. times amused myself with analyzing this many-headed were to go through all the classes of the serpes
I should weary my reader and myself ton il hydra, which calls itself the public, into the compo- kind. Two qualities are common to tbem all the nent parts of which it is "complicated, head and
are creatures of remarkably cold digestions, and tail," and seeing how many varieties of the snake chiefly haupt pits and low grounds. kind it can afford.
I proceed with more pleasure to give an actre First, there is the Common English Snake.—This of a club to which I have the hopour to the is that part of the auditory who are always the majo- There are fourteen of us, who are all anulness these rity at damnations, but who, having no critical venom have been once in our lives what is called license in themselves to sting them on, stay till they hear We meet on the anniversaries of our respectarea others hiss, and then join in for company.
and make ourselves merry at the expense of these quote The Blind Worm is a species very nearly allied to lic. The chief tenets which distinguish war sua". the foregoing. Some naturalists have doubted whe- and which every man among us is bound who ther they are not the same.
gospel, are, The Rattle Snake - These are your obstreporous That the public, or mob, in all ages, bave - talking critics,—the impertinent guides of the
pit, a set of blind, deaf, obstinate, senseless, but
rages. That no man of genius in his senses would the proposition, we lost the benefit of that highly sa
ambitious of pleasing such a capricious, ungrate- lutary and antidotal ilish. The privilege of admisI rabble. That the only legitimate end of writing sion to our club is strictly limited to such as have r them is to pick their pockets, and, that failing, been fairly damned. A piece that has met with ever e are at full liberty to vilify and abuse them as so little applause, that has but languished its night or uch as ever we think fit.
two, and then gone out, will never entitle its author That authors, by their affected pretences to humi- to a seat among us. An exception to our usual realy, which they made use of as a cloak to insinuate diness in conferring this privilege is, in the case of a eir writings into the callous senses of the multitude, writer, who, having been once condemned, writes stuse to every thing but the grossest Battery, have again, and becomes candidate for a second martyry degrees made that great beast their master ; as we dom, Simple damnation we hold to be a merit, but jay act submission to children till we are obliged to to be twice damned we adjudge infamous. Such a ractise it in earnest. That authors are and ought to one we utterly reject, and black ball without a e considered the masters and preceptors of the pub- hearing : ic, and not vice versa. That it was so in the days
The common damn'd shun his society. of Orpheus, Linus, and Musæus, and would be so gain, if it were not that writers prove traitors to
Hoping that this publication of our regulations hemselves. That in particular, in the days of the may be a means of inviting some more members into irst of those three great authors just mentioned, our society, I couclude this history. au liences appear to have been perfeci models of what
SEMEL-DAMNATUS. audiences should be ; for though along with the trees and the rocks and the wild creatures, which he drew
An author had just seen one of his pieces damned after him to listen to his strains, some serpents doubt at the theatre, when he had somewhat recovered from less came to hear his music, it does not appear that the mortification of this fall, he went to visit the any one among them ever lifted up a dissentient voice. actress who had played the principal part ; he told Tiey knew what was due to authors in those days, her, in the hope that she would say something to Now every stock and stone turns into a serpent, aud console him, that the public was not always just ; has a voice.
that, besides, his friends were wrong for having That the terms “ Courteous Reader” and “ Can-pressed him so much to write, and that the fruit was did Auditors," as having given rise to a false notion (not yet ripe.—" Oh, ripe or not,” replied the actress, in those to whom they were applied, as if they con
"it has, however, fallen." ferred upon them some right, which they cannot have, of exercising their judgments, ought to be utterly banished and exploded,
A Spanish ambassador was one day vaunting to These are our distinguishing tenets. To keep up Henry IV. of France, the power of his master. The the memory of the cause in which we suffered, as king, in order to take down the Spaniard's vanity, the ancient sacrificed a goat, a supposed unhealthy observed to him, with a lively air of raillery. that if animal, to Esculapias, on our feast-nights we cut he were to take it into his head to get on horseback, up. goose, an animal typical of the popular voice, he could go and breakfast at Milan, hear mass at to the deities of Candout and Patient Hearing. A Rome, and dine at Naples. Sire," replied the zealous member of the society once proposed that we ambassador, “ if your majesty travels so fast, you should revive the obsolete luxury of viper-broth; might also go and hear vespers at Sicily on the same but the stomachs of some of the company rising at day."
But, since no body could be found,
High mounted on a shelf,
They e’en set up this head to be in 1726, for which she was inrnt alive at Tyburn, A witness for itself. May 9, in the same year.
Next, that it no self-inurder was,
The case itself explains,
For no man could cut off his head,
And throw it in the Thames.
Ere many days had gone and past,
The deed at leagth was known,
And Cath'rine she confess'd, at last,
The fact to be her own.
God prosper long our noble king,
Our lives and safeties all,
grant that we may take advice Sure never was a saint on earth,
with two rows, all round, close drone, Lin
By Catherine Hays's fall. If that no saint was he !
OX BURIAL SOCIETIES. This vex'd his wife unto the heart,
I was once amused with baving ihe following at She was of wrath so full,
tice thrust into my hand by a man who gives our se That, finding no hole in his coat,
at the corner of Fleet-market. Wbether he saw Spy She pick'd one in his skull.
prognostics about me, that made him juodce sura But then ber heart began to relent,
notice seasonable, I cannot say; I might persons And griev'd she was so sore,
carry in a countenance (naturally but very rarat That quarter to him for to give,
traces of a fever which bad not long left me. She cut him into four.
fellows have a good instinctive way of garsiune All in the dark and dead of night,
the sort of people that are likeliest to pay allenars These quarters she convey'd,
to their papers. And in a ditch at Marybone,
BURIAL SOCIETY. His marrow-bones she laid.
“A favourable opportunity dow offers !0 235 His bead at Westminster she threw,
son, of either sex, who would wish to be bore ai All in the Thames so wide;
genteel manner, by paying one shillin e traser, Says she, my dear, the wind sets fair,
and two pence per week for the benefit of tbe sent And you may have the tide.
Members to be free in six mouths. The clear But beav'n, whose power no limit knows
be paid at Mr. Middleton's, at the sign of the first
and the Last, Stonecutter's-street, Fleci-mail. The On earth, or on the main,
deceased to be furnished as follows: Soon caus'd this head for to be thrown Upon the land again,
coffin, covered with superfine black, and * This head being found, the justices
japanned nails, and adorned with ornameetal Their heads together laid ;
a bandsome plate of inscription, anged above, And all agreed there must have been flower beneath, and four pair of handsome in Some body to this head.
with wrought gripes; the coffin to be we pad
lined, and ruffled with fine crape ; a handsome crape had been more solicitous to defend it from dishonours shroud, cap, and pillow. For use, a handsome velvet at its dissolution, than careful to pamper it with good pall, three gentlemen's cloaks, three crape hatbands, things in the time of its union. If Cæsar were ihree hoods and scarfs, and six pair of gloves ; two chiefly anxious at his death how he might die most porters equipped to attend the funeral, a man to at- decently, every Burial Society may be considered as a tend the same with band and gloves; also the burial club of Cæsars. fees paid, if not exceeding one guinea.”
Nothing tends to keep up in the imaginations of “ Man," says Sir Thomas Browue, " is a noble the poorer sort of people a generous horror of the animal, splendid in ashes, and pompous in the grave." workhouse more than the manner in which pauper Whoever drew up this little advertisement, certainly funerals are conducted in this metropolis. The collin understood this appetite in the species, and has made nothing but a few naked planks, coarsely put together, abundant provision for it. It really almost induces —the want of a pall (that decent and well-imagined a tædium vitæ upon one to read it. Methinks I could veil, which, hiding the coffin that hides the body, be willing to die, in death to be so attended. The keeps that which would shock us at two removes two rows all round close drove best black japanned from us), the coloured coats of the men that are nails. how feelingly do they invite and almost hired, at cheap rates, to carry the body,--altogether, irresistibly persuade us to come and be fastened down. give the notion of the deceased having been some What aching head can resist the temptation to repose, person of an ill-life and conversation, some one who which the crape shroud, the cap, and the pillow, may not claim the entire rites of burial,-one by present? what sting is there in death, which the whom some parts of the sacred ceremony would be handles withi wrought gripes are not calculated to desecrated if they should be bestowed upon him. I pluck away! what victory in the grave, which the meet these meagre processions sometimes in the street. drops and the velvet pall do not render at least They are sure to make me out of humour and melanextremely disputable ? but above all, the pretty em- choly all the day after. They have a harsh and blematic plate with angel above and lower beneath, ominous aspect. takes me mightily.
If there is any thing in the prospectus issued from Tibe notice goes on to inform us, that though the Mr. Middleton's, Stonecutter's-street, which pleases society has been established but a very few years, me less than the rest, it is to find, that the six pair upwards of eleven hundred_persons have put down of gloves are to be returned, that they are only lent, their names. It is really an affecting consideration as the bill expresses it, for use, on the occasion. The to think of so many poor people, of the industrious hoods, scarfs, and hatbands, may properly enough be and hard-working class (for none but such would be given up after the solemnity; the cloaks no gentlepossessed of such a generous forethought) clubbing man would think of keeping; but a pair of gloves, their twopences to save the reproach of a parish once fitted on, ought not in courtesy to be refuneral. Many a poor fellow, I dare swear, has that demanded. The wearer should certainly have the angel and flower kept from the Angel and Punch- fee-simple of them. The cost would be but triding, bowl, while, to provide himself a bier, he has cur- and they would be a proper memorial of the day. tailed himself of beer, Many a savoury morsel has This part of the proposals wants reconsidering. It is the living body been deprived of, that the lifeless one not conceived in the same liberal way of thinking as might be served up in a richer state to the worms. the rest. I am also a little doubtful whether the limit, And sure, if the body could understand the actions within which the burial-fee is made payable, should of the soul, and entertained generous Dotions of not be extended to thirty shillings. things, it would thank its provident partner, that she Some provision too ought to be made in favour of
those well-intentioned persons and well-wishers to part to make appear pretended, said to him in a the fund, who having all along paid their subscrip- low tone, -" So, you have the misfortube to be tions regularly, are so unfortunate as to die before deaf, sir?" "Yes, sir." “ You have great dificulty the six months, which would entitle them to their in bearing ?" " Yes, sir, very." " And it was sut freedom, are quite completed. One can hardly till I raised my voice thus (lowering i stil saore) imagine a more distressing case than that of a poor that you could hear what I said at all ?" "No, se.“ fellow lingering on in a consumption till the period of his freedom is almost in sight, and then finding him
THE DEJEUNE. A PINDABIC ODE self going with a velocity which makes it doubtful And was the sorrow so profound, whether he shall be entitled to bis funeral honours : So deep the anguish of despair his quota to which he nevertheless squeezes out, to
Which seized Eliza's bosom fair, the diminution of the comforts which sickness de That like a sudden frost it bound mands. I think, in such cases, some of the contri Her utterance, and forbade to How bution-money ought to revert. With some such mo
The murmuring eloquence of woe ? difications, which might easily be introduced, I see And for a breakfast ? - No! I must not think nothing in these proposals of Mr. Middleton which is A breakfast o'er that heart could so prevard, not strictly fair and genteel ; and heartily recommend Nor, that the lost delight to eat and drink them to all persons of moderate incomes, in either Could with such pangs that spirit pare ascul; sex, who are willing that this perishable part of Though tranced fancy show'd the bliss debardhes. them should quit the scene of its mortal activities In visonary feast displaying all my larder. with as handsome circumstances as possible.
Yet well I know-for I beheld, Before I quit the subject, I must guard my readers (Though grief, my stomach's pride defeating, against a scandal which they may be apt to take at Forbade me then to think of exting) the place whence these proposals purport to be issued. I know-for I, with sorrow queli'd, From the sign of the First and the Last, they may Sat gazing sad, for many an hour, conclude that Mr. Middleton is some publican, who, The breakfast I might not devour in assembling a club of this description at his house, I know, how touch'd with hopes unknown before may have a sinister end of his own, altogether foreign His cold heart kindling high with amorens bes, to the solemn purpose for which the club is pretended That larder sent forth all his bosom'd store, to be instituted. 'I must set them right by informing His out-spread pride, and pomp of glorious dutes them, that the issuer of these proposals is no publican, Still, still I see it ; nothing else I can see, though he hangs out a sign, but an honest super- While that unparallel'd breakfast Boat before of intendant of funerals, who, by the device of a cradle fancy. and cottin, connecting both ends of human existence
I see him- yes, I recognise him; together, has most ingeniously contrived to insinuate,
Iligh 'mid the scene, in kingly state, that the framers of these first and last receptacles of
Towering from gigantic plate, mankind divide this our life betwixt them, and that
Mouth-watering fancy longing eses him, all that passes from the midwife to the undertaker
Kingly, yet rob'd but in his own may, in strict propriety, go for nothing : an awful
Dark richness of deep-glowing browni, and instructive lesson to human vanity.
The great sirloin of beef. august be stasis
In his pure native splendour full a Tay? Mr. Garrow in examining a witness who happened No knife hath touch'd him; never mors bsd to be deaf, and whose deafness it was Mi, G.'s Have dar'd his majesty of form invade,