THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.
"Send and buy one,-there's
got another, sir."
plenty of Statesmen to be bought." &c.

LONDON NEWSPAPERS.

You all must agree, that the world's epitome,
May be found in the London newspapers;
From parts far and wide, we have news in a tide,
Of ev'ry grand fête and odd capers.

In the coffee-room met, what a grave looking set,
With spectacles plac'd on their noses;
Politicians, a score, o'er the pages now pore,
And devour the strange news it discloses.
Auctioneering-volunteering,
Revolution execution,

Hanging-dying-weddings trying,
Price of gold, bought and sold,

" 46

Keep it up, that's the way, all agog every day,
To know who wins and who loses.

In country, like town, from the peer to the clown
In Europe the great affairs are trying;
Politicians, you know, may be had at the plough,
What the news is they are all inquiring.

Hear the horn's twanging sound to the village resound;
All are anxious, the news come so late in:
Where a party is seen every night at the inn,
And for news most impatiently waiting.
Advertising things surprising,
Siege of battle-show of cattle,.
Fighting cocks-price of stocks,

And in business who wins and who loses. Waiter, bring an evening paper." And in business who wins and who loses. [Spoken.] "Indeed! it's very late." [Spoken.] "Waiter, ask that gentleman to read "Not come in yet, sir." "You'll excuse me, sir; but we don't "Yes, sir; all owing to the debate last night. The Landlord, will you have the goodDay didn't come in till almost night; and don't ex-pro bono." pect the Evening Star till morning. Here comes the take that in." man with the Globe on his back, and the World in ness to read that paper out?" "I beg your pardon, "Ax Mr. Boxall, the undertaker, if he'll his pocket." "Waiter! what's this?" "The Sun, but I can't read very well at first sight, on account of Oh, yes; the stops." sir." "Why, it's wet." "Yes, sir." I remember we had a wet sun all last year, we don't read." "No sir: I begs leave to object to that,-he a candle." always begins with the deaths, and that is something Waiter! bring me want another. Why can't so professional.-Perhaps Mr. Parchment, the solici"What for?" "To see the sun with." What's this? you see the sun without a candle ?-in our country tor, will, or show cause why he refuses." "Why, sir, they can.' Pray, sir, have you done with that there I have no objections; and as I hate every thing pro"Now didn't I paper?" "No, sir; but yon may have this here fessional, I'll try if I can amuse you. paper." "Waiter! bring me the Statesman." It's Oh, Watkins versus Wilkins. This was an action Then bring me the Post or for the recovery of £2. 14s. 93." No, sir; I on the other side, sir." Courier." "They are both on the same side, sir." tell you he would begin with something professional. "Will you tell that gentleman who is spelling the We don't want law, do we, doctor!" " advertisements, that he cannot oblige the company think the most amusing part of the paper is the accimore, than by setting the British Press at liberty?" dents. Let me see.-On Thursday last, as a poor No, labouring man was at work on the top of a ladder in "Will you give your Press for a Post, sir?" « sir; but I'll give up my Statesman for an Inde-Spring Gardens, he was, by a sudden gust of wind, pendent Whig." "I beg pardon, sir; but I have blown as far as Charing Cross ;-he fell at the door No, just given the wig to that gentleman with the bald of Bish's lucky lottery office, where tickets and shares head." "Waiter!" "Sir." "Why, the file of the are selling."-" Pooh, pooh, it's only a lottery puff. Englishman is imperfect." "Yes, sir; we have I hate all puffs;-don't you, Mr. Pastry-cook?"" "Oh, that sir; I don't dislike any body's puffs. Live and let Well, sir, as you have put lately sent a great many into France." "This Statesman is abominably live-that's my motto." accounts for it." dirty and worn,-bring me another." "We hav'nt down the papers, I'll try if I can't amuse you."

"Beware of puffs." "Oh, you have no need to tell | Never intrudes not no nowhere what do you laugh me that, sir; for I think I smell a puff, the moment I take a paper in my hand. No, no, I'm not to be had. No, no, I think I know a little too much for that. Let me see.-Oh! St. Helena! Ay, now here is something good; this can't be a puff-St. Helena. An officer who has just arrived from this island re-objection-I hope he'll say so.-Don't mean to cõend ports the following curious circumstance: That the ci-devant emperor declares it is his fixed determination, in opposition to the advice of his faithful followers, to use no other than Turner's blacking, to be had No.—|

&c.

So keep it up every day, all agog, that's the way,
To know who wins and who loses.
Then they differ in the name, none alike, all the same,
Morning Chronicle, and Day Advertiser,
British Press, Morning Post, Herald, Times, what a
host,

"

at .-(Laughs)-How dare you laugh at me!What a fool a man is to laugh, when he don't know what may happen to him the next minute.-Well, good night-good night-wish you all a sound sleepI'll go to bed-I'll go to bed.--If any body has any not no gentleman.-Where's the papers?-Hello! I want the newspapers― (takes up a poper)—Now I'U go-I see the door very well.-Gentlemen, dat think I'm drunk—No, I'm not drunk.—I can walk— very well, and I can hic-up-very well.-Well, I'm not drunk, I'm not drunk.-I see the door,—that's it, there it is.-Betty chambermaid,-get me a candleI'm going to bed.—Betty!-girl!-that's the oddest wench-she goes forty times a day up stairs, and never comes down again.-Good night,-good night,” &c. &c. "I say, sir, do you ever read the papers cross-ways?" " Always, sir, from one end of the ine to the other."-"I don't mean that." "What do you mean?" "I mean from one side of the paper ta the other." "No, sir! I always read from top to bottom." "Pooh, pooh, nonsense; I mean cross readings."-" You'll make me very cross if you go an so." "Only allow me, sir, you shall hear. Last night, a young gentleman made his first appearance in the arduous character of Hamlet-and period And in business who wins and who loses. it with great ease in less than fifteen minutes. Las (Horn.) Gazette Extraordinary. (Horn.) Second a lady's lap dog; answers to the name of Pompesedition. Let me see, here must be something good-if he will return to his disconsolate parents, the w We stop the press to announce, that if intelligence of be kindly received. A beautiful spotted cow any important victory should reach us in the course of exhibiting at Exeter-for the benefit of herself and her the afternoon, we shall publish it in the third edition. six motherless children. An overdrove ox ran awa (Horn.) Third edition of the Gazette Extraordinary. Fleet-street, and entered the dwelling bouse u Ay, ay, now for it-let's see here it is.-We stop Baily's glass manufactory, where he did coas dera, se the press-I beg you wont press on one so much, sir. damage; due notice will be given of his sero 19 We stop the press to announce, that nothing new has pearance. Wants a place as a groom, a suong Dis arrived since our last.-Great intelligence indeed of respectability, who can give an unexceptcale certainly very pleasant. (Imitates a drunken man) character; letters post paid, will and bi-det "Waiter! waiter-where the devil are you all-ironed in Newgate, for horse-stealing. Last week be I want to have a peep at the papers-how d'ye do?-cat of Lady Dimbledon produced at a butb-eve how d'ye do?-No offence I hope; if I intrude, regiments of soldiers ready for embarkation. Az ü say so (attempts to light his pipe at the candle.)— looking fellow was lately taken into custody, and c

We read every day and grow wiser,
The Examiner, Whig, all alive to the gig,
While each one his favourite chooses,
Globe, Star, and Sun, too keep up the fun,
And tell all the world what the news is.
Examination-Botheration,
Consultation-Publication,
Abdication-Botheration,
City feasts-Wild beasts.

to Bow-street, on suspicion of several robberies | y committed.-On searching his pockets, they found to contain-six-chaldrons of coals, two ons, and five fine horses. Lost, a lady's reticule, ntents were-a chest of mahogany drawers, and diron. Married at Leeds, Josiah Jones, Esq. iss Isabella Jenkins of that place-he seem'd resigned to his fate.-The minister pronounced wful sentence of the law on the unhappy wretch; as a good-looking young man, about five and Ey years of age, and in all other respects, behimself with becoming propriety.

us keep it up, that's the way, all agog every day, know who wins, and who loses.

very common amusement in this country; and I find | Pray, sir, don't put yourself in s that, during the performance of these martial exer- fluster.""I tell you I am not in a fluster.”—~! cises, the spectators were frequently entertained with say, sir, you are. For shame! How can a th a sort of cheese, which, from the occasion on which yourself in such a passion ?"—"I in a posz~! it was made, was called Tilting, and by corruption Yes, sir, you are." Tis false"-" la Tilton cheese. Mr. Theobald's emendation, therefore, "Madam, 'tis no such thing."—"S'dev'B, •> as needless and truly absurd, ought by all means to think I'll submit to such provoking lengut be rejected. Warburton. You shall submit."-"I shan'.-1. rThe emendation, in my opinion, is not more absurd you."-" You can't."-"By heavens, than the remark which the learned annotator has By heavens, sir!"-"Hold your to made upon it. There is, indeed, a stupid error in Chose."-"I won't, Mr. Chose."-T = some of the old copies. But discordant opinions are ranted, the more she raved; till at last, tre not always nugatory, and by much agitation the truth outdo each other in provocation, the conta is elicited. I think Mr. Theobald's alteration right.. so high, that Mr. Chose declared he would me Johnson with Mrs. Chose an hour longer; and Mrs. Stilton is a village in Huntingdonshire, on the declared she would not sleep another night ben great North road. Tilton, though not so well known, the same roof. is a village in Leicestershire. In an old collection of "Madam," said the husband," 'tis tune 17 songs, black letter, no date, we read "Tilton's should part.' With all my heart," and " homely fare," which all critics will allow can only" Agreed!" said he. Agreed!" echədd mean cheese. In an old MS. of which I remember lawyer was absolutely sent for, to draw up neither the date nor the title, Tilton is said to abound cles of separation; but being a "murabile de in rich pasturage; both which circumstances make it peace-loving, strife-quelling sort of man, highly probable, that our author wrote, not as Mr. to hear the particulars that led them to cour Theobald supposes, Stilton, but Tilton; though I a harsh conclusion. He was ordered to pas confess the passage is not without difficulty. Steevens. business, but obstinately persevered in his Addressing himself to the husband, he s you both fully agreed upon a separation yes!" exclaimed both parties.

"

THE FIRE-IRONS.

Mr. Chose was gravely reading the original Hasen Slawkenbergius at one side of the fire, and Mrs. Chose sat darning old worsted stockings at the other. By some untoward accident, the fire-irons were all on Mrs. Chose's side. 'My dear," said Mr. Chose, how miserable it makes me to gaze on any thing that looks ununiform: be kind enough, my dear, to let me have the poker on my side."-Mrs. Chose, who was busy taking a long stitch at the time, replied, "I'll give it you presently, my love." Nay, prithee put me out of pain at once; 'tis absolutely quite distressing to my eye-the fire-place looks like a pig with one ear."-" One fiddlestick! How can you be so excessive whimsical ?"-"How do you mean whimsical?" -"Lord, man! don't be so plagur fidgetty!"-"No, madam, I am no such thing

be

"Well, sir, what are your reasons for Sir, I can't inform you."-" Madam, so kind as to acquaint me?"-" Indeed, lawyer, "I venture to pronounce your qu not.""If that is the case," said the pe originated in something so frivolous, that y that he at length extorted the truth; nor ashamed to own it." He urged the paint s sist from his friendly interference, until Warned by his friendly admotions, this satisfaction to reestablish the most perie: couple grew more circumspect in the w aggravating in their manners, and, in it, off wrangling, and lived happy.

CHARACTERS OF JUDGE BEST AND MR. SCARLETT,
AS BARRISTERS.

Mr. Sergeant Best, is, as the old woman would say, as sharp as a needle. His eye is peculiarly brilliant, and he presses his lips together, and shakes his head, with an air of determination, which makes his audience think he is sure of his verdict.

This gentleman must not be confounded with Mr. Best the barrister, who is generally called Second Best, but who as a lawyer, in the opinion of some, ought rather to be designated First Best. There are jokes like this in every profession; and it is only for the sake of the pun, that Mr. Scarlett is called the deepest red man at the bar.

ON THE CUSTOM OF HISSING AT THE THEATRES, WITH
BOME ACCOUNT OF A CLUB OF DAMNED AUTHORS,

BY ONE OF ITS MEMBERS.

am willing to put a favourable construction upon the votes that were given against us, I believe that there was no bribery or designed partiality in the case ;only "our nonsense did not happen to suit their nonsense;" that was all. But against the manner in which the public on these occasions think fit to deliver their disapprobation, I must and ever will protest. Sir, imagine but you have been present at the damning of a piece-those who never had that felicity, beg them to imagine-a vast theatre, like that which Drury-lane was, before it was a heap of dust and ashes-a theatre like that, filled with all sorts of disgusting sounds,-shrieks, groans, hisses, but chiefly the last, like the noise of many waters, or that which Don Quixote heard from the fulling-mills, or that wilder combination of devilish sounds which St. Anthony listened to in the

wilderness.

I am one of those persons whom the world has I never shall forget the sounds on my night; I thought proper to designate by the title of Damned never before that time fully felt the reception which Authors. In that nemorable season of dramatic the Author of All Ill in the Paradise Lost meets with failures, 1806-7, in which no fewer, I think, than from the critics in the pit, at the final close of his two tragedies, four comedies, one opera, and three tragedy upon the human race-though that, alas! farces, suffered at Drury-lane theatre, I was found met with too much success-from innumerable tongues, guilty of constructing an afterpiece, and was damned. Against the decision of the public in such instances there can be no appeal. The clerk of Chatham might as well have protested against the decision of Cade and his followers, who were then the public. Like Inn I was condemned, because I could write. Not but it did appear to some of us, that the measures of the popular tribunal at that period savoured a little of harshness and of the summum jus. The public For hall substitute theatre, and you have the very mouth was early in the season fleshed upon the Vin-image of what takes place at what is called the damductive Man, and some pieces of that nature, and it retained through the remainder of it a relish of blood. As Dr. Johnson would have said, sir, there was a habit of sibilation in the house.

Still less am I disposed to inquire into the reason of the comparative lenity, on the other hand, with which some pieces were treated, which, to indifferent judges, seemed at least as much deserving of condemnation as some of those which met with it. I

A dismal universal hiss, the sound
Of public scorn.-Dreadful was the d
Of hissing through the hall, thick swarming now
With complicated monsters, head and tail,
Scorpion and asp, and Amphisbona dire,
Cerastes horn'd, Hydrus, and Elops drear,
And Dipsas.

nation of a piece, and properly so called; for here you see its origin plainly, whence the custom was derived, and what the first piece was that so suffered. After this none can doubt the propriety of the appellation.

Indeed, I have often wondered that some modest critic has not proposed, that there should be a wooden machine to that effect erected in some convenient part of the proscenium, which an unsuccessful au