ind."

the act of vending, and not playing with the said | With some small venom close in ambush lie, trument, the tee-totum, I humbly presume, that Ready to seize the poor dramatic fly : my learned friend has said will come to the The weak and heedless soon become their prey, But the strong blue-bottle will force its way, Clean well its wings, and hum another day. Unknown to Nature's laws, we've here one evil; For flies, turn'd spiders, play the very devil! Fearing some danger, I will lay before ye A short, true, recent, tragic-comic story.

w."

Certainly, brother Botherem, there's no doubt learned sergeant is incorrect! the law does not a man extra legium, for merely spinning a teeMy lord, one of the witnesses has owned that pig had a curly tail. Now, my lord, I presume, prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the ction must be fatal."

Certainly. Order the pig into court."

As late I saunter'd in the Park for air, As free from thought as any coxcomb there, Two sparks came up; one whisper'd in my ear, He was a critic; then ask'd me with a sneerere the pig was produced; and, upon examination, Thus standing, staring-with a swaggering swing, as found to have a straight tail, which finished the" You've writ a farce ?"" Yes, sir, a foolish thing." . The learned judge, in summing up the evi-" Damn'd foolish-You'd better mind your atting, e, addressed the jury,-" Gentlemen of the jury, King,

wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence; 'Tis ten to one-I speak it for your sake,

The removal of this objection removes all ground That this same farce will prove-your Wit's last tion. And notwithstanding the ancient statute Stake."

h says, Serium pigum et borcum pigum, et vendi" I scribble for amusement, boast no pow'rs." m tailum, there is an irrefragable proof, by" Right, for your own amusement-not for ours." u demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had Thus he went on; and with his pleasant talking, aight tail, and therefore the prisoner must be I lost the appetite I got with walking. itted. And really, gentlemen, if the time of the He laugh'd-I bow'd-but, ere I could retreat, is to be taken up with these frivolous actions, His lisping friend did thus the dose repeat: esigns of justice will be entirely frustrated; and" Pray, sir,-this School for Rakes the woman's ttorney who recommends this action should be playhed, not in the ordinary way, but with the utrigour and severity of the law."

is affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is exd it will be settled about the end of the year

PROLOGUE TO THE SCHOOL FOR RAKES.

Spoken by Mr. King.

rribbling gentry, ever frank and free,
eep the stage with prologues fix on me.
ale representative I come,

with a prologue, which I call a broom,
eep the critic cobwebs from the room.
, like spiders, into corners creep,
it new plays their bloody revels keep :

When do you give it us?"-" Next Saturday;
I hope you'll both be kind to her, at least."
"A scribbling woman is a dreadful beast!
Then they're so ugly, all these female wits-
I'll damn her play-to throw her into fits.
Had I my will, those slattern sluttish dames--
They all should see the bottom of the Thames."
If you are here, good sirs, to breed a riot,

[Looking about the house
Don't show your spite; for if you are not quiet,
'Tis ten to one-I speak it for your sake,
This School for Rakes will prove your Wit's last

Stake.

As you [To the pit] save me from their tyrannic will,
You will not let them use a woman ill,

Protect her and her brat-The truly brave
Women and children will for ever save.

THE GULL'S HORNBOOK.

GARRICK.

becomes the wearer, and carries a most plesa colour; but when the sun-burnt clown makes mows at it, and, like a barber, shaves it off to fa stumps, then it withers and is good for nothing be to be truped up and thrown among jades. How Those readers who wish to be considered well-is a bald pate! it looks like a face wanting a dressed gentlemen, and attract notice by well-blacked boots and clanking spurs, will read the following with interest.

"As for thy stockings and shoes; so wear them, that all men may point at thee, and make thee famous by that glorious name of malecontent. Or, if thy quicksilver can run so far on thy errand as to fetch thee boots out of St. Martin's, let it be thy prudence to have the tops of them wide as the mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boot-hose over them to hang down to thy ancles Doves are accounted innocent and loving creatures,-thou in observing this fashion, shalt seem to be a rough-footed dove, and be held as innocent. Besides the straddling, which of necessity so much leather between thy legs must put thee into, will be thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentlemanlike habit." Those gentlemen who "sport" fine bushy heads of hair, should particularly attend to the following directions.

or like ground eaten bare with the arrows of anders: whereas a head all hid in hair gives even to a zost wicked face a sweet proportion, and looks like a ca dow newly married to the spring.

"It is certain that when none but the palām age went current upon the earth, it was higher treason to clip hair than to clip money; the camb and scissars were condemned to the currying of hat neys: he was disfranchised for ever, that did put on a barber's apron. Man, woman, and child, their hair longer than a law-suit: every heat, wha it stood bare or uncovered, looked like a batter $21 noul, having his thrum'd cap on. It was free for all nations to have shaggy pates, as it is now only the Irishman. But since this polling, and des world crept up, locks were lockt up, and be if » decay. Revive thou therefore the old buried t and in scorn of periwigs and sheep-shearing, thou that quilted head-piece on continually. hair will make thee look dreadfully to thins "To maintain therefore that sconce of thine and manly to thy friends; it is, in peace, strongly guarded, and in good reparation, never suffer ment; in war, a strong helmet; it blunts the comb to fasten his teeth there: let thy hair grow of a sword, and deads the leaden thurap of a thick and bushy, like a forest, or some wilderness; in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer, à lest those six-footed creatures that breed in it, and [ing fan of feathers." are tenants to that crown-land of thine, be hunted to death by every base barbarous barber; and so that delicate and tickling pleasure of scratching be utterly taken from thee.

Long hair is the only net that women spread abroad to entrap men in: and why should not men be as far above women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others? The merry Greeks were called kaрnxoμowvTes (long-haired.) Lose not thou, being an honest Trojan, that honour; sithence it will more fairly become thee. Grass is the hair of the earth, which so long as it is suffered to grow, it

PROLOGUE TO BON TON.

Fashion in ev'ry thing bears sovereign sway,
And words and periwigs have both their day;
Each have their purlicus too, are modish each
In stated districts, wigs as well as speech.
The Tyburn scratch, thick club, and Temple be
The parson's feather-top, frizz'd broad and
The coachman's cauliflow'r, built tiers on
Differ not more from bags and brigadiers,
Than great St. George's or St. James's styles
From the broad dialect of broad St. Giles

hat is Bon Ton ?”—"Oh! damme!" cries a buck, If drunk—“ Ask me, my dear, and you're in luck: Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the watch,

Nothing but nonsense e'er gave laughter birth,
That vulgar way the vulgar show their mirth.
Laughter's a rude convulsion, sense that justles,
Disturbs the cockles, and distorts the muscles.
Hearts may be black, but all should wear clean faces;
The graces, boy! The graces, graces, graces!"
Such is Bon Ton! and walk this city through,
In building, scribbling, fighting, and virtú,
And various other shapes, 'twill rise to view.
Monday,To-night our Bayes, with bold, but careless tints,
Hits off a sketch or two like Darly's prints.
Should connoisseurs allow his rough draughts strike
'em,

k up a wench, drink health, and roar a catch. p it up! keep it up! damme, take your swing! Ton is life, my boy; Bon Ton's the thing !" h! I loves life, and all the joys it yields," 3 Madam Fussock, warm from Spitalfields. on Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and riding in a one-horse chaise o' Sunday! drinking tea, on summer afternoons, Bagnigge-Wells, with china and gilt spoons ! laying by our stuffs, red cloaks, and pattens, lance cowtilions all in silks and satins!" ulgar!"-cries Miss-" Observe, in higher life, feather'd spinster, and thrice-feather'd wife: club's Bon Ton. Bon Ton's a constant trade out, festino, ball, and masquerade! plays and puppet-shows-tis something new ; losing thousands every night at loo. ire it thwarts, and contradicts all reason; stiff French stays, and fruit-when out of season! se, when half-a-guinea is the price; t of bays, scarce bigger than six mice. isit friends you never wish to see ; iage 'twixt those who never can agree ; dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd, and is Bon Ton, and this we call the world!" me," says my lord, "and thou my only son, te'er your faults, ne'er sin against Bon Ton ! toils for learning at a public school, digs for Greek and Latin, is a fool.

"Twill be Bon Ton to see them, and to like 'em.

"

ECONOMY AND EXTRAVAGANCE.

COLMAN.

An epicure, on entering the Bedford coffee-house, inquired, "What have you got for dinner, John?" Any thing you please, sir." "Oh! but what vegetables?" The waiter named the usual légumes in season; when the gentleman, after having ordered two mutton chops, said, "John! have you any cu cumbers ?" "No, sir, there are not any, I believe, yet produced, 'tis so very early in the season; but, if you please, I will step into the market, and inquire the price, if any." The waiter returned. Why, sir, there a few, but they are very dear; they are a curl'd-guinea a piece.” A guinea a piece! are they small or large?" "Why, sir, they are rather small." "Then buy two." Just so it is with us all, saving at one end, and running out at the other.

ch, French, my boy's the thing! jasez! prate,
chatter!

be the mode, whipt-syllabub the matter!
like a Frenchman; for, on English pegs,
s native awkwardness with two left legs.
urtly friendship form a treacherous league,
ce men's daughters, with their wives intrigue;
htly semicircles round your nails,

your teeth clean-and grin, if small-talk fails:
ever laugh, whatever jest prevails:

APOLOGY FOR NAKEDNESS.

Unless that Freezeland cur, cold winter, offer to bite thee, walk a while up and down thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt only, or else (which, at a bare word, is both more decent and more delectable) strip thyself stark naked. Are we not born so? And shall a foolish custom make us to break the laws of our creation? Our first parents, so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in Paradise; but after they got coats to their backs, they were turned out of doors. Put on, therefore, either no apparel at all,

:

or put it on carelessly for look how much more de- of nightingales' tongues in Heliogabalus' kitchen' licate liberty is than bondage; so much is the loose-No, no; the first suit of apparel, that ever mertul ness of wearing of our attire above the imprisonment man put on, came neither from the mercer's step, of being neatly and tailor-like drest up in it. To be nor the merchant's warehouse: Adam's bill wedd ready in our clothes is to be ready for nothing else have been taken then, sooner than a knight's bott a man looks as if he be hung in chains, or like a now; yet was he great in nobody's books for sata scarecrow. And as those excellent birds, whom Pliny and velvets. The silkworms had something else to could never have the wit to catch in all his springes, do in those days, than to set up looms and be free of commonly called woodcocks, whereof there is great the weavers: his breeches were not so much worth store in England, having all their feathers pluckt as K. Stephen's, that cost but a poor noble; er from their backs, and being turned out as naked as Adam's holyday hose and doublet were of no better Plato's cock was before all Diogenes' scholars, or stuff than plain fig-leaves, and Eve's best gown of as the cuckoo in Christmas, are more fit to come to the same piece; there went but a pair of shears beany knight's board, and are indeed more serviceable, tween them. An antiquary in this town has yet than when they are lapt in their warm liveries; even some of the powder of those leaves dried to shes. so stands the case with man. Truth, because the Tailors then were none of the twelve companies. bald-pate her father, Time, has no hair to cover his their hall, that now is larger than some dorpes cring head, goes, when she goes best, stark naked; but the Netherlands, was then no bigger than a Dusi Falsehood has ever a cloak for the rain. You see butcher's shop: they durst not strike down theat likewise that the lion, being the king of beasts; the customers with large bills: Adam cared not an applehorse, being the lustiest creature; the unicorn, whose paring for all their lousy hems. There was tea -horn is worth half a city; all these go with no more neither the Spanish slop, nor the skipper's galligasala, clothes on their backs than what nature hath be- the Switzer's blistered codpiece, nor the Danish deene stowed upon them: but your baboons and your sagging down like a Welch wallet, the Italian's rig jackanapes, being the scum and rascality of all the strosser, nor the French standing collar: year trebrehedge-creepers, they go in jerkins and mandilions. quadruple dædalian ruffs, ner your stiffvecked re Marry how? They are put into their rags only in batos, that have more arches for pride to row upon, mockery. than can stand under five London bridges, denim. Good clothes are the embroidered trappings of then set themselves out in print; for the patent in pride, and good cheer the very eryngo-root of glut-starch could by no means be signed. Fashe na tony; so that fine backs and fat bellies are coach- was counted a disease, and horses died of wa horses to two of the seven deadly sins, in the boots now, thanks to folly, it is held the only rare pays. of which coach Lechery and Sloth sit like the wait-and the purest golden asses live upon it.” ing maid. In a most desperate state therefore do tailors and cooks stand, by means of their offices; for both those trades are apple-squires to that couple of sins. The one invents more fantastic fashions, than France hath worn since her first stone was laid; the other more lickerish Epicurean dishes, than were ever served up to Gallonius's table. Did man, think you, come wrangling into the world about no better matters, than all his lifetime to make privy searches in Birchin-lane for whalebone doublets, or for pies

ADVENTURES OF A LOUSE.

"I was hatched in the bead of a boy sheat exch years old, who was placed under the care of a para nurse, and educated at the charity-school. És u place, as in a populous city, I soon obtained a sele ment; and, as our state of adolescence is short, bl in a few months a numerous family. This, was the happiest period of my life; I suffered apprehension from the comb or the razor, ami

saw no misfortune, except that our country should be thump on the back, brought the whole secret to light; overstocked, and we should be compelled to wander, and the delinquent, that he might be at once purified like the barbarians of the North, in search of another. and punished, was carried to the next pump, where But it happened that the lord of our soil, in an evil his head was held under the spout till he had rehour, went with some of his companions to Highgate.ceived the discipline of a pickpocket. He was indeed Just at the top of the hill was a stage and a mounte- very near being drowned; but his sufferings were bank, where several feats of wit and humour were nothing in comparison of ours. We were overwhelmperformed by a gentleman with a gridiron upon his back, who assisted the doctor in his vocation. We were presently in the midst of the crowd, and soon after upon the stage; which the boy was persuaded to ascend, that, by a sudden stroke of conjuration, a great quantity of gold might be conveyed under his hat. Under his hat, however, the dextrous, but mischievous operator, having imperceptibly conveyed a rotten egg, clapped his hand smartly upon it, and showed the aurum potabile running down on each side, to the unspeakable delight of the beholders, but to the great disappointment of the boy, and the total ruin of our community.

"It is impossible to describe the confusion and distress which this accident instantly produced among us; we were at once buried in a quag, intolerably noisome, and insuperably viscid: those who had been overturned in its passage, found it impossible to recover their situation; and the few who, happening to he near the borders of the suffusion, had with the utmost efforts of their strength crawled to those parts which it had not reached, laboured in vain to free themselves from shackles which every moment becaine more strong as the substance which formed them grew more hard, and threatened in a short time totally to deprive them of all power of motion. I was myself among this number, and cannot even now recollect my situation without shuddering at my danger. In the mean time the candidate for enchanted gold, who in the search of pleasure had found only dirt and hunger, weariness and disappointment, reBecting that his stolen holyday was at an end, returned forlorn and disconsolate to his nurse. The nose of this good woman was soon offended by an unsavoury smeil, and it was not long before she discovered whence it proceeded. A few questions, and a good

ed with a second inundation; the cataracts, which burst upon us with a noise tenfold more dreadful than thunder, swept us by hundreds before them, and the few that remained would not have had strength to keep their hold against the impetuosity of the torrent, if it had continued a few minutes longer. I was still among those that escaped; and after we had a little recovered from our fright, we found that, if we had lost our friends, we were released from the viscous durance which our own strength could never have broken. We were also delivered from the dread of an emigration and a famine; and taking comfort in these reflections, we were enabled to reconcile ourselves without murmuring, to the fate of those who had perished.

"But the series of misfortunes which I have been doomed to suffer, without respite, was now begun. The next day was Holy Thursday; and the stupendous being, who, without labour, carried the ruins of our state in procession to the bounds of his parish, thought fit to break his wand into a cudgel as soon as he came home. This he was impatient to use; and in an engagement with an adversary, who had armed himself with the like weapon, he received a stroke upon his head, by which my favourite wife and three children, the whole remains of my family, were crushed to atoms in a moment. I was myself so near as to be thrown down by the concussion of the blow; and the boy immediately scratching his head to alleviate the smart, was within a hair of destroying me with his nail.

"I was so terrified at this accident, that I crept down to the nape of his neck, where I continued all the rest of the day; and at night when he retired to eat his crust of bread in the chimney-corner, I concluded that I should at least be safe till the morning,