of thirty men, the discourse falling upon who the best man, they all began and ended with

Bifrons ever when he preaches;
Custos of what in his reach is.
Bos among his neighbours' wives;
Fur in gathering of his tithes.
Sus at every parish feast;
On Sunday, sacerdos, a priest.

EPILOGUE TO THE LIAR.

Between Miss Grantham and Old Wilding
M. Gr. Hold, sir!
Excel-Our plot concluded, and strict justice done,
Let me be heard as counsel for your son.
Acquit I can't, I mean to mitigate;
Proscribe all lying! what would be the fate
Of this, and every other earthly state?
Consider, sir, if once you cry it down,
You'll shut up ev'ry coffee-house in town;
The tribe of politicians will want food,
Ev'n now half-famish'd for the public good;
All Grub-street murderers of men and sense,
And every office of intelligence,
All would be bankrupts, the whole lying race,
And no Gazette to publish their disgrace.

He takes off the flue from the garment of his d, and carefully picks from his hair any feather, h may have blown into it, and says, with a , "Do you see? because I have not been with these two days, your beard begins to get white; et, if any man's, your hair is remarkably black our years." When this man speaks, he bids the be quiet; he praises him in his hearing; and, he has ceased speaking, he cries out sensible!" When hiz patron has uttered a frigid not content with smiling, he thrusts his garment is mouth, as quite unable to restrain his laughWhen they walk out together, he bids the gers stop until the gentleman has gone by. ys apples and pears for his patron's children; resents them in the parent's sight. kissing the en, and saying, "Beautiful offspring of a father!" If he is with his patron when he is sing shoes, he says, "This foot is far better han the shoe." When his patron is going to friend, he runs before, and says, "He is "He then runs back, and says, "I have ced you." He is the first of the guests to he wine, and says, "How tastefully you dine!" taking up something from the table, he says, this is excellent!" He asks his patron wheis not cold? whether he would not wish to ome more clothing? and whether he shall covering him? He is fond of inclining to his d whispering; and while he himself is ad. others, fixes his eyes upon his patron. He vay the cushions from the servant in the thed spreads them himself. He commends the ture of his patron's house, and the cultivation grounds; and says that his picture is like

GRAMMATICAL PARODY.

llowing parody, on the noted grammatical

s, atque custos, bos, fur, sus atque sacerdos, Mr. Gostling, a clergyman of Canterbury :

O. Wild. Too mild a sentence! Must the good and great

Patriots be wrong'd, that booksellers may eat?

M. Gr. Your patience, sir; yet hear another word,
Turn to that hall where Justice wields her sword:
ink in what narrow limits you would draw,
By this proscription, all the sons of law:
For 'tis the fixt determin'd rule of courts,
Vyner will tell you, nay, ev'n Coke's Reports)
All pleaders may, when difficulties rise,
To gain one truth, expend a hundred lies.

O. Wild. To curb this practice, I am somewhat
loath;

A lawyer has no credit but on oath.

M. Gr. Then to the softer sex some favour show:

Leave us possession of our modest No!

O. Wild. Oh, freely, Ma'am, we'll that allowance give,

So that two Noes be held affirmative:

Provided ever that your pish and fie,
On all occasions, should be deem'd a lie.
M. Gr. Hard terms!

On this rejoinder then I rest my cause:
Should all pay homage to truth's sacred laws,
Let us examine what would be the case;
Why, many a great man would be out of place.
O. Wild. Twould many a virtuous character

store.

M. Gr. But take a character from many more.

see him among the men of most note and substance, and at the theatre he is always close to the people of rank and fashion. He buys nothing for himself, bet purchases little presents for his friends abroad, whic he takes care to make known through all the c He keeps monkeys, doves, vases, and every sort of knick-knack and curiosity, for the amusement of re-friends: he fits up in his mansion a little wrestling room and a tennis-court; he goes about to the ph sophers, the sophists, the teachers of fencing and

O. Wild. Strong are your reasons, yet, ere I sub-dancing, and offers them the use of his rooms for sa mit,

I mean to take the voices of the pit.

Is it your pleasure that we make a rule,
That ev'ry liar be proclaim'd a fool,
Fit subjects for our author's ridicule ?

THE COMPLAISANT MAN.

exercise of their respective arts; and takes care ba self to be present at their exhibitions, to give some spectator the opportunity of saying to another, That is the gentleman to whom this place bec

THEOPHRASIUL PROLOGUE UPON PROLOGUES TO THE DEUCE IS IN

And, egad, it will do for any other play as well as

this.

Complaisance may be defined, an address which aims at pleasing by disreputable means. The complaisant is one who salutes a man at a distance, calls An old trite proverb let me quote him the best of creatures, seizes both his hands with As is your cloth, so cut your coat. expressions of admiration, and will not let him go: To suit our author, and his farce, he insists upon accompanying him a little way, teazes Short let me be, for wit is scarce; him with inquiries of "When he shall have the Nor would I show it, had I any; honour of seeing him," and at last leaves him with The reasons why are strong and many. exclamations of praise. If he is called to an arbitra-Should I have wit, the piece have none, tion between two parties, he is not more anxious to A flash in pan with empty gun, please the person for whom he appears than his op- The piece is sure to be undone. ponent, that he may be called impartial and a A tavern with a gaudy sign, common friend. He tells foreigners that their pro- Whose bush is better than the wine, nunciation is superior to that of the natives. When May cheat you once-Will that device, invited to dinner, he entreats the host to call in his Neat as imported, cheat you twice? children, and when they come, he observes, that one 'Tis wrong to raise your expectations; fig is not more like another than they to their father: Poets, be dull in dedications! he takes and kisses them, and makes them sit by Dulness in these to wit prefer him: with some of them he cracks childish jokes, But there, indeed, you seldom err. and others he dandles to sleep on his knee, at the In prologues, prefaces, be flat! same time feeling the greatest discomfort and incon- A silver button spoils your hat. venience. He is shaved with the greatest nicety, A thread-bare coat might jokes escape, and whitens his teeth with dentifrice: he changes Did not the blockheads lace the cape. his garments before they have the least soil, and al-A case in point to this before ye; ways smells of perfumes. On the forum you always Allow me, pray, to tell a story.

To turn the penny once a wit

Upon a curious fancy hit.

Hung out a board, on which he boasted,
Dinner for three-pence, boil'd and roasted!
The hungry read, and in they trip,

With eager eye, and smacking lip

Here! bring this boil'd and roasted, pray-"
Enter potatoes, dress'd each way.

All star'd and rose, the house forsook,
And damn'd the dinner-kick'd the cook.
My landlord found, poor Patrick Kelly!
There was no joking with the belly.

These facts laid down, then thus I reason,
Wit in a prologue's out of season.
Yet still you wags for jokes sit watching,
Like Cock-lane folks for Fanny's scratching.
And here my simile's so fit,

For prologues are but ghosts of wit;
Which mean to show their art and skill,
And scratch you to their author's will.
In short, for reasons great and small,
'Tis better to have none at all.
Prologues and ghosts!-a paltry trade-
So let 'em both at once be laid!
Say but the word-give your commands,
We'll tie our prologue-monger's hands:
Contine these culprits!
bind 'em tight:

to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties being of course in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was, that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone, for the loss of her pig with a curly tail; and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim, for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin; and Mordecai to bring an action against them both, for the loss of a tee- totum, that fell out of his pocket in the rencontre. They all delivered their briefs to counsel, before it was considered, they were all parties, and no witness. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery; and was determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence.

The indictment set forth, that he, Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruinsence, did, on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of the law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib divers that is to say, five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs and porkers, with curly tails, and did secret the said five hundred hogs, sows, bears, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in said Lapstone's bed, against the [holding up his hands.] peace of our Lord the king, his crown and dignity. Mordecai was examined by counsellor Puzzle. 'Well, sir; What are you?"

Nor girls can scratch, nor fools can write.

GOODY GRIM versus LAPSTONE.

GARRICK.

This trial happened in a certain town, which, for easons, shall be nameless, and is as follows:-Goody Grim inhabited an alms-house, No. 2. Will Lap. stone, a superannuated cobbler, inhabited No. 3, and a certain Jew pedlar, who happened to pass through the own where those alms-houses were situated, could nly think of No 1. Goody Grim was in the act of alling one of her own proper pigs, but the animai isliking the ceremony, burst from her hold, and ran hrough the semicircular legs of the aforesaid Jew, nocked him in the mud, ran back to Will Lapstone's, he cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of gin, belonging

"I sells old clo's, and sealing wax, and puckles." "I did not ask you what you sold; I ask you what you are?"

"So, you will walk along in spite of all that can be said."

"Pless ma heart, you frighten me out of my vits as I vas valking along I seed de unclean animal coming towards me--and so says I-Oh! Father Abraham, says I."

"Father Abraham is no evidence."

"You must let me tell my story my own vay, or I can not tell it all. As I vas valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me. Oh, father Abraham, said I, here comes de unclean animal towards me, and he runn'd between my leg, and upshet me in de mut.'

"Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that little animal had the power to upset you in the

mud."

"I vill take my oath, dat he upshet me in te

mut."

"And pray, sir, on what side did you fall." "On te mutty side."

Now, my lord, your lordship is aware that totum is derived from the Latin terms of tend which means, "keep yourself safe." Az but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, wohave kept himself safe; but now be has, as the learned lord Verulum expresses it, let the cra of the bag."

"I vill take ma oath I had no cat in my ba

vend a tee-totum.
"My lord, by his own confession, he was de. >
Now, my lord, and gerbrun.
tee-totum is an unlawful machine, made
the jury, it is my duty to point out to us, a
with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of
known by the name of little-go act, expresdy &
bling. Now, your lordship knows the art ove
all games of chance whatever. Whether p
marbles, swabs, tee-totum, chuckfarthing,
what not.
And, therefore, I do conte,

I mean, on which of your own sides did you man's evidence is contra bonos mores, and he e

fall ?"

"I fell on my left side."

"Now, on your oath, was it your left side?' "I vill take my oath it vas my left side." "" And what did you do when pray, you fell down?" "I got up again as fast as I could." Perhaps you can tell me whether the pig had curly tail?"

a

sequently non compos testimon.”

Counsellor Botherem then rose up, "My law, w gentlemen of the jury, my learned incal Faze in a most facetious manner, endeavoured tu san d slur on the highly honourable evidence sells is bona fide inducted into all the ma merchant. And I do contend, that be wh L intents and purposes, a merchant. My car merchandise; ergo, he who merchandnes, &=* "And pray, where was you going when this hap-handling the tee-totum, can only be called in the twistings and turnings of his arg. pened?"

"I vill take ma oath his tail was so curly as my peerd."

"I vas going to the sign of de cock and pottle.". Now, on your oath, what had a cock to do with

a bottle ?"

tumhe is playing, my lord, a losing gas. tlemen, he has told you the origin, use, and the tee-totum; but, gentlemen, be has forgat you what that great luminary of the law, 2 learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a es

"I don't know; only it vas the sign of de house. And all more vat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-actly similar to this, in the 234th roli vee totum out of ma pocket."

"Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My lord, I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence! he does not come into court with clean hands.".

abridgement of the statutes, page 1349, wa thus lays down the law, in the case of Flat Blacklegs," Gamblendum consistet, enumer blendi sed non evendum mackeni placenä” lord, I beg leave to say, that if I prove my