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WITTY STORY OF AN OLD SCOTCH WOMAN.
All tragedies are finish d by a death,
service between them, forenoon and afternoon, diet All comedies are ended by a marriage;
by diet; and it was my puir dear man's turn to gie The future states of both are left to faith,
the word that forenoon; and he said he wish'd he For authors fear description might disparage
would gie the word for him, for he was really vary The worlds to come of both, or fall beneath, bad indeed. And he said, that is, doctor Macglashan And then both worlds would punish their mis- said he would. And I was vary much obliged to carriage ;
him; for doctor Macglashan was a vary good natured So leaving each their priest and prayer-book ready, body; and I thanked the doctor, for I was vary They say no more of Death or of the Lady. thankfu' to him. Hem! Weel, I mind Sunday was The only twoʻthat in my recollection
anither vary wat day; vary wat; a nasty, dreepin' Have sung of heaven and hell, or marriage, are
wat day indeed ; and doctor Macglashan ca'ad in Dante and Milton, and of both the affectiou
on my puir dear honest man on his way to the kirk, Was hapless in their nuptials, for some bar
and he sat him down twa minutes, for he was vary Of fault or temper ruin'd the connexion ;
wat; and he says to him, Hem, that is, says my puir (Such things, in fact, it don't ask much to mar;)
dear honest man to doctor Macglashan, I wish thee But Dante's Beatrice and Milton's Eve
mayna' tak' cauld, for it's vary wat; and he dreeped Were not drawn from their spouses, you conceive.
the weet frae his coat tails, and he shaked it aff his
sleeves, and he dauded the rain frae the cocks o' his " Hem ! hem !-Ye ma’an ken, that my husband vary wat indeed, and ye'll mind there were na um
hat; for he really was extraordinary wat, puir man ; was the meenister o' the kirk, and a man, universally berellas in thae days; and said doctor Macglashan, respecked, not only by the parishoners, but by the said he, I wish I were dry again. Hem! dow mind hale public at large -Hem!-Well
, I mind there this, for this is the great point of the story : Upon was a time, when we had ha'en a week o' vary bad which, my puir dear man says, though in troth he was weather ; nasty dreepin' wat weather ; it had been na much gi'en to joking, yet he cou'dna' vary weel vary wal indeed; and my puir dear honest man had reseest the opportunity: So, hem !so says my puir been vary badly with a sair cauld he had cought; he dear worthy man ; now mind ye this, for it's the was vary ill indeed, puir man, and he really was vary point o' the joke-When the doctor said--that is, fractious, honest man, when ought ailed him; vary doctor Macglashan said, he wished he was dry, my fractious indeed, and he gave me a great deal o puir dear honest body, (eh, he was a wag) said he trouble. Her ! Weel, I mind, doctor Macglashan to his worthy colleague, hem !-gang thy wa's up to happened to ca' in to see my puir dear man yae day the pu’pit, and thou'll be dry enough there, I warrant for the doctor was a guid feeling hearted honest
thee." body, 'zwas he; and he used to distribute guid books
EMPTINESS OF FAME. amang the puir folk i' the parish, wha cou'dna' buy them. Ah!'sirs ! I wis there war mair o' them read What is the end of fame ? 'tis but to fill by the rising generation that is. Weel, as I was A certain portion of uncertain paper : telling ye, the doctor called to see my puir man; and Some liken it to climbing up a hill, says be to him, that is, says doctor Macglashan to Whose summit, like all hills, is lost in vapour, any pair honest man, this has been vary wat weather, For this men write, speak, preach, and heroes kill, very wat indeed. So says my puir dear honest man And bards burn what they call their “midnight to ductor Macglaslian, My worthy colleague, I wish taper," thou would gie the word for me at the kirk neist Sun- To have, when the original is dust, day forenvon. For you'll mind this, they took the A name, a wretched picture, and worse bust,
What are the hopes of man? old Egypt's King Loud "laruins, neighing steeds, and trumpets' dang! Cheops erected the first pyramid
And do you tell me of a woman's tongue; And largest, thinking it was just the thing
That gives not half so great a blow to the care •
THE NEWSPAPER GOSSIP.
This is one of those many thousands ubo swim
in and about London in time of war, and whose Since not a piach of dust remains of Cheops.
times and minds are divided between the affairs of THE UNSEASONABLE MAX.
state, and the affairs of a kitchen; be is an uous Unseasonableness is a method of accosting which after venison and politics; he believes every cook is troublesome to the persons accosted. The unsea- to be a great genius, and to know how to dress : sonable man is one who goes to communicate with turtle comprehending all the arts and sciences types his friend when he is immersed in business: he goes ther. He is always hunting after newspapers, to sead to revel with his mistress wben she is lying ill with a about battles, and imagines soldiers and sailors are fever : he runs to a man who has just been cast as only made to be knock'd on the head, that be say bail for another, and entreats him to become his read an account of it in the papers; be reads every surety: as soon as a cause is decided, he is on the political pamphlet that is published on both sides o spot to give his testimony. If he is invited to a the question, and is always on his side whom he read wedding, he inveighs against the whole female sex : last. And then he comes home in a good or ill sesshe asks a man who is just returned from a long jour-per, and calls for his night-cap, and pipes and tobacca, ney to take a walk with him. When an article is and sends for some neighbours to sit with him, and sold, he brings a purchaser who would give double talk politics together. the price. In a company he will give a detailed ac
“ How do you do, Mr. Costive? sit down count from the very beginning of some subject which down; ay, these times are bard times: I cease they have all heard and are thoroughly acquainted more relish these times, than I can a hannch of vem with: he is extremely anxious to do that for any sor without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, person which they are unwilling should be done, but I told you we should have warin work of X, wber are ashamed to refuse. If he is present at the chas- the cook threw down the Kian pepper. Ay, sv: 1 tisement of a lad, he relates that a boy of bis when think I know a thing or two ; I think I do, that's all so beaten went and hanged himself. If he is present -But lord what signifies what one knows, at an arbitration, though both parties wish an ac- don't mind me? You know I mentioned at sur etab commodation, he sets them together by the ears: the disturbances in America, and one of the costs and lastly, when about to dance, he seizes a partner took me up, and said, "What signities Asema whose senses are not yet inflamed by intoxication. when we are all in a merry cue !"" so they all fada
laughing.–Now there's commons made lords, woman's TONGUE.
there's lords made, the Lord knows what; bu sais Think you, a little din can daunt mine ears? Lothing to us ; they make us pay our taxes: x Have I not in my time heard lions roar ?
take care of that ; ay, ay, ay, they are sure : Have I not heard the sea, puff'd up with winds, pray, what have they done for these twenty on Rage like an angry boar, chafed with sweat ? last past ?—why nothing at all; they bave com Have I not heard great ordnance in the field ? made a few turnpike roads, and kept the parente And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies? aliye 'till September ; thar's all they have deve Have I not in a pitched battle heard
the good of their country. There were sRG_5
PROLOGUE TO THE TRIP TO PARIS.
people formerly, that loved their countıy, that did | Prussia, and the empress of Russia; the nabob of every thing for the good of their country; there were Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in the your Alexander the Great loved his country, and Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all Julius Cæsar lov'd his country, and Charles of the cham of Tartary's back settlements ; then Sir Sweedland lov'd his country, and Queen Semerimiss, Guy Carleton comes with a circumbendibus, and reshe lov'd lier couutry more than any of 'em; for she takes all the islands ; Rhode Island and all ; and invented solomon gundy ; that's the best eating in takes 'em here, and there, and there, and here, and the whole world. Now, I'll show you my plan of everywhere ;--there is the whole affair explained at operations, Mr. Costive; we'll suppose this drop of once to you." punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very vell-uhese pieces of cork to be our men of war ; very well—now where shall I raise my fortifications? In former times there liv'd one Aristotle, I wish I had Mr. Major Moncrieff here ; he's the Who, as the song says, loved, like me, his bottle. best in the world at raising a fortification.--Oh ! I To Alexander Magnus he was tutor have it, we'll suppose them to be all the strong forti- (An't you surpris'd to hear the learned Shuter ?) hed places in the whole world ; such as Fort Omoa, But let that rest- a new tale I'll advance, Mbury Fort, Birgin op zoom, and Tower Ditch, and A tale ?-no, truth! mun-I'm just come from Hi the other forutied places all over the world. Now, France. I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats, From Paris I came ; why I went there, no matter, and all our foot infantry should wear air jackets. I'm glad that once more I'm on this side the water : Ten, sir, they'd cross the sea before you could say 'Twas to win a large wager that hurry'd me over; Jack Robinson; and where do you think they should But I wish'd to be off when I came down to Dover. land, Mr. Costive ; whisper me that ; Ha !What? To swallow sea-water the doctors will tell ye, -Wheo ? - How ?-You don't know ?-How should But the sight of such water at once fill’d my belly; you ?--Was you ever in Germany or Bohemia ?- They who choose it for physic may drink of the sea, Now, I bave; I understand jography; now they But only to think on't is physic for me. should land in America, under the line, close to the When first I went on board, Lord ! I heard such a outh-pole; there they should land every mother's racket, sue of 'em ; then there's the Catabaws, and there's such babbling and squabbling, 'fore and aft', through che Catawawes; there's the Cherokees, and there's the packet; he ruffs and rees; they are the four great nations ; The passengers bawling, the sailors yo-ho-ing, hen I takes my Catabaws all across the continent, The ship along dashing, the winds aloft blowing; rom Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to the Some sick and some swearing, some singing, some
ledeteranian.-You know where the Medeteranian shrieking. 12-No, you know nothing ; I'll tell you ; the Me- Sails hoisting, blocks rattling, the yards and booms Veteranian is the metropolis of Constautinople; then creaking ; 'd send a fleet to blockade Paris till the French king Stop the ship!--but the tars, never minding our tad given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for Genr'i Clinton and Col. Tarletun ; and—Where was I, Mr. Took their chaws, hitch'd their trowsers, and grinn'd ustive? With Col. Tarleton.-Thank ye-so I in our faces, rus; but you are so dull, Mr. Costive, you put me We made Calais soon, and were soon set op shore, ut--Now, I'll explain the whole affair to you ; you And I trode on French ground, where I ne'er trode ban't miss a word of it Now, there is the king of before,
The scene was quite chang'a, 'twas no more yo, yo-ho,
THE SURLY GRUBLER With damme Jack, yes, boy-or damme Tom, no ! Grumbling is a complaint without fit cause : the 'Twas quite t’other thing, mun, 'twas all complai- grumbler is one who, if his friend send him same de sance ;
licacy from a feast, says to the bearer, " Ah, you With cringes and scrapes we were welcom’d to France; envied me your black broth and your paltry wire, Ah, Monsect Angloy--they cry'd-be on ven nu, and so I was not asked to dipper. If his mestres Tres umble servant, sir, we glad to see you. kiss him, he says, “ You do not love me in your I ne'er met such figures before in my rambles, heart." He is angry at a shower, Dot because it They flock'd round my carcass like flies in the sham- rains, but because it is too late for him. If he made a
purse, “ I never," he exclaims, "find a treasure in it. To be crowded amongst them at first I was loth, When he has purchased, after a long baryanng with For fear they should seize me, and souse me for broth. the seller, a slave at his proper price, It will be ter At last, tho' they call'd me my Lor Angleterre, wonderful,” he says, “ if I have bought any thing and (Lord, had you then seen but my strut and my stare!) at such a rate." "To the bearer of the good neasta Wee, wee, I cry'd, wer then—and put on a sword; a son is born to him, " If you added," he spent So at once Neddy Shuter turn'd into a lord.
“that half my substance is gone, you wouls ante I expected at France all the world and his wife,
told the truth. Though he gain his cause testa But I never was balk'd so before in my life: I should see wonders there, I was told by Monseer ; strong points in his favour. His friends cantante
antly, he is angry with his counsel for amitting our So I did, I saw things there were wonderful queer ; a sum of money in loan to relieve his necessites i Queer streets, and queer houses, with people much one of them bids him now to be of good cheer: “ His queerer,
can 1,” he cries, " when I must pay bacả tbe De Each one was a talker, but no one a hearer,
to each of them, and besides that, one teas I soon had enough of their pallovousce,
of gratitude for the obligation." It's a fine phrase to some folks, but nonsense to me. All folks are there dress'd in a toyshop like show,
HOW TO MAKE A MAN A LEX&Tic. A hodge-podging habit 'twixt fiddler and beau ; It has been decided that a coinmission of luas Such hats, and such heads too, such coats and such must not be specially returned, ttre subject of it** skirts
be found mad, or not mad; and in Bror's not They sold me some ruffles- but I found the shirts. ment there is a case mentioned, where a man, as Then, as to their dinners, their soups, and their inquest of idiotcy, was returned ag sutkut ad stewings,
an idiol, and where, in consequence, no tard One ounce of meat serves for ten gallons of brewings ; ceedings were bad. But why did they want to For a slice of roast beef how my mind was agog! make him a lunatic ? Half the unit a But for beef they produc'd me a fricasee'd frog : great town might readily be fou su se iu '39 Out of window I toss'd it, it wan't fit to eat, to Harrison's Practice of she Court ting that Then down stairs I jump’d, and ran into the street, and see what is necessary in order to procure a *** 'Twas not their palaver could make me determine mission of lunacy. To stay where I found it was taste to eat vermin. " The method of procuring the camere » Frogs in France may be fine, and their Grand Mo-nacy,” says the book, " is first by two or ** narque clever ;
sons making an affidavit, seuing forth the in I'm for beef, and king George, and old England for condition of the lunatic, with some few inny. ever.!
his declarations and actions, to show the best
his being a lunatic, and incapable of governing him- so accurately imitated in all their vulgar habits, that sell or his estate.'
he actually touk lessons of one of them in the art of There is a man driving about town, whom is firmly squirting his spittle through his teeth, - but the teeth believed to be a lunatic, and incapable of governing of the said C. D. not readily accommodating thembimself or his estate ;" and though he is concluded selves to the manoeuvre, he had them filed till to be * a lunatic," because he is so decidedly. “ in- they did,--and that at last, the said C. D. so far
capable of governing himself and his estate;" rather bettered the instructions of the said stage-coachmen, 1 than "incapable of governing himself and his estale," that one of them was heard to declare, that he must
because he is “ a lunatic," yet this same affidavit cut Squire D., for that he was such a blackguard ; will require "some few instances of his declarations that wheu he, the said C. D., was at one time conand actions” to be specified. Another person could fined for debt within the Rules of the King's Bench readily be procured to join in the affidavit. The Prison, he hired the most expensive lodgings he could Book of Practice proceeds :
procure, and never gave such large and extravagant " The affidavit may be in this manner :
dinner-parties as he did at those lodgings, and that "E. F. of, &c., and G. H. of, &c., severally make he did not upon that occasion think proper to put oath and say, that they, these deponents, for the space down his tandem or discharge his grooms, but used of one year last past, have known and been well ac- to drive about within the said Rules in his usual quainted, and frequently discoursed, with C. D. of, equipage ; that one day, after dining sumptuously in &c. And these deponents further severally say, that the said Rules, he, the said C. D., spent his last halfwithin the space of
last past, they have, by guinea in the purchase of a pineapple to flavour his frequently observing the behaviour, words, and ac- punch with its juice; and that he, the said C, D., tious, of the said C. D., looked upon him to be a per. once said to this deponent E. F., who was remon800 deprived of his reason and understanding in a strating with him upon his extravagance, and warning very great degree."
him how short a time it could last, since nearly the This may very safely be said.
whole of his property was mortgaged of pledged as " And this deponent E. F. saith, that, &c. (Set security, “ If I am to burn, I'll make a blaze ; if forth some of the most notorious acts, incoherences, I am to be buried, I'll kick up a dust.”. and irrational discourses.)".
And these deponents further severally say, that This request can easily be complied with.
they believe the said C. D. is in no ways capable of . And this deponent E. F. saith,” then, 'that governing himself or his estate."
“ E, F.
“ Sworn the although the said C. D. is possessed of property to
at the G. H.
Public the amount of only three hundred pounds per annum, office, before he bath for one whole year kept a tandem and two grooms, and that his whole stud consisteth of four commission in nature of a writ de lunatico inqui
Upon an affidavit like this, is a petition for the borses; and that he, the said C. D., renteth chambers rendo” presented to the Lord Chancellor, who usually minster, in the county of Middlesex, and is in the grants it as a matter of course. babit of faring sumptuously every day at a certain
THE PIG IN A PORE; OR, THE DOUBLE tavern called Stevens's Hotel, in Bond-street, in the said city of Westminster, and county of Middlesex ;
A farmer's lease contain'd a flaw; that when he, the said C, D., was at the University
To mend it, he appeal’d to law.
Dear bought experience told him plain,