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he, and let's go on, says he. So avay ve comes, and, shoot, says I. I don't care if you do, says she. Vby then they says, there goes two cockneys; so ve left you'll be shot, says !. No danger, says she. Ini ’em; and vhen ve comes to the other side of the vater. going to shoot just vhere you are, says I. Ay, that's No, that can't be; for this is the other--that is, the the wery reason I'm safe, says she. Now, sir, wz's other side is this and this is the other, and — No, that's that wery prowoking ?" . Very much so indeed, sad not it neither-let me see-umph-umph !-that's I, but pray why is your dog tied up so !'' seeing him wery strange-an't it. You know ve vere on the leading it by his pocket nandkerchief, which he had other side, that is, ve-ay, ve vere on this side then- tied round his neck. • Would not you find his d Nomhat is, the other side vas then on this side, and great nse ?'' “ Lord love you, sir, he's a very good ve vere on the other, and—No, that's not it yet-but dog in his own vay, if you keep him at home, ba it don't signify. Ve vere first on the other side, and he's of no use at all out. Vhenever he comes to be vhen ve vhere on the other side, ve vere on this and field, he runs about, and barks so that be frigh'ess then ve vere on the —” “Ha, ha, ha! was there all the birds—then he stops short just over a pode ever any thing so puzlifying, as not to be able to find flock of them, and they all dy avay before I can get out the other side from this, and this from the other." my gun to my eye ; oh! be's of no use at all." Bar "Vell sir, vhen ve got-ay, no matter ; says I to it were in vain to attempt a detail of all his accideas Billy, says I, I'll lay you a tizzy, says I, that I hit and misfortunes, so I'll tell you a part of them in some'at before ve are long out, says I. So, says song. Billy, says he, done, says he. So I puts my gun up THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER ; OR COCK SET my shoulder, so—and shutting my left eye for fear of
SPORTSMEN. the flash. Hold, says Billy, says he. What's the matter, Billy, says I? You have forgot to load her, on the first of September, at five in the more, says he. And sure enough, so I had ; so I takes ou! The weather quite cloudy, the prospect forlorn, my powder and shot, and loads her well, biting off a Bill Stitch and myself rigged as gay as two isris, bit of paper you know, and ramming it tight down For the sports of the ticid took our way a. you know to keep all safe ; so I puts up my gun
hark? again, Stop, stop, says Billy, says he. What's the mat- friars bridge, there vere ve assailed by a sez of rest
Spoken.] Just as ve vere a passing along Blvstter, says I. You have left your ramrod in your gun, says he. And sure enough I had, and wery lucky it vas muffin rascals, who meant to affront is by calls that I stopped, for vhen I looked, there vas Benjamin cockneys. There they go, says they, ibere goes ins the Jew merchant, parched like a blackbird behind
What'll they kill
, says one! See tem the hedge; poor Ben vas frightened out of his vits, mer's grunter, says another
. No, that they tust, s as much as i vas. So ve com'd avay up the side of a third, for if Gaifer Gamir.on's
grunter vas vaara : the river, till ve comed to a gentleman's house with yard of the gun, I'll bet iwo to one he could see some trees a-growing aside it. So I sees some at So the sports of the field is a cockney's delight, a tree, and I thinks it vere a crow; so says I to Billy, on the first of September, all rigg'd out south says I, dash my buttons if a crow an't fair game, so here goes. Stop, says Billy, says he. Vhy, so, says Our pockets with powder and shot too were
ere 22 I! That's the man's poll parrot, says he. I does'nt And sportsman like too, added chicken and han care, says I ; so just as ve vere a speaking, the ser- Our dogs round us danciare, these were ber. J. vant girl comes to the vindow and she's dusting avay, Towser, Tiger, a buli dog, little Gipsey and R and then she comes and stands before us. Get out Spoken.] My eye, as ve vere crus ing a igld, *** of the vay, says I. I shan't, says she. I'm going to should I see but a jackdaw solung on the back oa u.
Dash my buttons, says I, but that there's a good shot Should any of your grandsires' ghosts appear says I, Bill; so I claps my gun to my shoulder, and in your wax-candle circles, and but hear shuts both my eyes, for fear of the flash blinding me. The name of coffee so much call'd upon ; Stop, stop, says he, you'll shoot the old cow, says he. Then see it drank like scalding Phlegethon ; No, I vont, says I, for I doesn't see not neither the Would they not startle, think ye, all agreed cow, nor the jackdaw now, as my eyes are both shut; 'Twas conjuration both in word and deed; so I pulls the trigger strong to make the mark sure; Or Catiline's conspirators, as they stood but I doesn't know how it was, poor Tiger was run. Sealing their oaths in draughts of blackest blood ? ping by at the moment, and I had forgotten to take The merriest ghost of all your sires would say, out my ramrod, and poor Tiger got it stuck in his Your wine's much worse since his last yesterday. gizzard, and there he lay sprawling as dead as a He'd wonder how the club had given a hop tenpenny nail.
O'er tavern-bars into a farrier's shop, So the sports of the field is a cockney's delight, Where he'd suppose, both by the smoke and stench, On the first of September, when rigg'd out so tight. Each man a horse, and each horse at his drench. As he walked along, thinking of nothing at all,
Sure you're no poets, nor their friends, for now,
Should Jonson's strenuous spirit, or the rare Unfortunate Billy shot poor little Ball,
Beaumont and Fletcher's in your rounds appear, And I lam'd poor Towser, and home he did run,
They would not find the air perfumed with one And left only Gipsey to share in the fun.
Castalian drop, nor dew of Helicon ; Spoken.] Vell, I primes and loads again, and in a When they but men would speak as the gods do, hedge I hears a melodious sound, and says Billy, They drank pure nectar as the gods drink too, says he, My eyes there's a blackbird, are you loaded ? Sublim'd with rich Canary-say shall then Yes, says 1. Then fire, says he. So I points my These less than coffee's self, the coffee-men ; git again, and shuts both my eyes of course, and lets These sons of nothing, that can hardly make #y. But my eye, vat a mistake I made, for instead Their broth, for laughing how the jest does take ; of the bird l aim'd at, I hit poor Moses the Jew ped- Yet grin, and give ye for the vine's pure blood lar, and knock'd off his beard Moses vas in a ter- A loathsome potion, not yet understood, rible fright, and swore as how I had kill'd him. I Sirop of soot, or essence of old shoes, offered Moses a tizzy for his fright, but Mo, with his Dashat with diurnals and the books of news.” neck all on one side, told me as how I should make it a bob. I can't, says I, Mister Moses, for I have
AN AUTHOR'S EXPECTATIONS FROM CRITICS AND but one tester left, and that one's bad. Let me she
THE PUBLIC. it, says Moses, ish it pad ? Esh, it is very pad in- The public approbation I expect, deed, but I will colour him again, and you may con
And beg they'll take my word about the moral, tinue with
Which I with their amusement will connect,
(So children cutting teeth receive a coral); The sports of the field is a cockney's delight, Meantime, they'll doubtless please to recollect On the first of September, when rigg'd out so tight. My epical pretensions to the laurel :
For fear some prudish readers should grow skittish,
I've bribed my grandmother's review-the British. For men and Christians to turn Turks, and think I sent it in a letter to the editor, To excuse the crime, because 'tis in their drink ! Who thank'd me duly by return of postPure English apes ! ye may, for aught I know, I'm for a handsome article his creditor ; Would it but mode- learn to cat spiders too.
Yet if my gentle Muse he please to roast,
And break a promise after having made it her, The mightiest kings and queens we keep in pay, Denying the receipt of what it cost,
Support their pomp on eighteenpence a day. And smear his page with gall instead of honey, Our Cyrus has been forc'd to pawn his coal, All I can say is--that he had the money,
And all our Cæsar's can't command a goat. I think that with this holy new alliance
Our Scipios, Anthonys and Pompeys break, I may ensure the public, and defy
And Cleopatra shifts but once a week. All other magazines of art or science,
To aggravate the case, we have not one Daily, or monthly, or three monthly, I
Of all the new refinements of the towo Have not essay'd to multiply their clients,
No moving statue, no lewd barlequins ; Because they tell me 'twere in vain to try,
No pasteboard play'rs, no actors in machines; And that the Edinburgh Review and Quarterly' No rosin to make lightning ; ('twould exhaust w Treat a dissenting author very martyrly.
To buy a Devil and a Doctor Faustus :)
No millers, windmills, dragoons, coajurers
To exercise your eyes, and spare your ears. Mr. Canning and another gentleman were looking No paper seas, no thunder from the skies; at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle No witches to descend, no stage to rise ; distance ; in the foresea an elephant was seen strug
Scarce one for us the actors. We can set ling with his fate : "I wonder," said the gentleman, Nothing before you but mere sense and wit; " that the elephant did not secure an inside place in A bare downright old fasbiood Englisb seas, the ark;"—He was too late,” replied Canning, Such as a Briton only can digest ; “he was detained packing up his trunk.”
Such as your homely fathers used to love,
Who only came to hear and to improve.
Humbly content and pleased with what was made Genteels ! of old the prologue led the way,
When Shakspeare, Lee, and Dryden ranged the
feast. To lead, defend, and usher in the play; As saucy footmen run before the coach,
AN IRISH PUBBER AT WHIST
We're seated now, so without row
The night we'll pass with cards and glassSeldom the languid stomach they excite,
Why the devil don't you play!
And be that wouldn't stake on whist, a twenty sana Our prologue craves your mercy for the play'rs;
ling note, That is your money ; for by heav'n I swear,
Don't deserve a drop of whisky to wet his egły throat White gloves and house rent are excessive dear. Spoken.] I'll bet five to fifteen, roared out Mt. Since here are none but friends,-the truth to own; rick Macdeviltopay to his friend Teague Ocho Though in a coach our company came down, cumlarry, who had just arrived with Afiss Steel Yet, I most shrewdly fear they must depart O'Docherty on a visit to Miss Judy Grachoshten. Ev'n in their old original a cart.
Now whist was the favourite game even with de With pride inverted and fantastic pow's, ladies, I wonder, said an old lady, what's the We strut the fancied sovereigns of an hour. origin of whist. Silence-ow, ma'am; play a While
duns our emperors and heroes fear, my jewel Och! by the powers, that's erele And Cleomenes starves in earnest here.
pretty well for a beginner; I dever played with
lady I liked better. I beg pardon, is that against us? | fight. I shall fight. Turn him out of doors-any Yes, sir. There, I've taken it with my Jack. That's man mean enough to cheat.-Cheat, sir; why you a knavisk trick of yours, Miss. You have no honour, cheated at I believe, ma'am. You remember, sir, you took it. Whist, the best and finest game of any in the pack. Bless me! you've a curious hand, Miss. So have all But never mind--there take my hand, and bring the our family, sir, Yes, but they were all good hands whisky back at wliist. Dear me, what a puinber of hearts. I have not had one left these ten minutes. Sorry for that, Good den, sir Richard,,God-a-mercy, fellow ;Miss; I was going to solicit. How elegant! I won. And if his name be George, I'll call him Peter : der what Miss O'Regan's ear-rings are made of the For new-made honour doth forget meu's pames; two of diamonds-No! Yes. Why then
'Tis too respective, and too sociable,
Come deal more fast, the game that's past And when my knightly stomach is suffic'd
Why then I suck my teeth, and catechise
My picked man of countries.—My dear sir,
(Thus, leaning on mine elbow, I begin,) The stakes are laid all right, you led the spade 1 I shall beseech you—That is question now: think,
And then comes answer like an ABC-book :That's mine--play on-the ten of hearts-a little O sir, says answer, at your best command; more to drink.
At your employment ; at your service, sir :Spoken.] Och beautiful! the river Liffy to a No, sir, says question, 1, sweet sir, a! yours : drew-drop that it's ours. I dou't think the cards have And so, ere answer knows what question would becu shutiled. I beg your pardon. I saw Miss Judy And talking of the Alps. and Apennines,
(Saving in dialogue of compliment, looking at the tricks. Look to your own tricks. Faith, Muss, I've very few, no young man less at present : It draws toward supper in conclusion so.
The Pyrenean, and the river Po,) but if you allow me the odd trick you'll find me game. Odd trick! och ! faith what a boy was Larry Now this is worshiplul society. O'Dogberty for the odd trick. I hear he is married. Yes, very happy; loves his wife with—a club, they
A learned lady, famed suy. She's lately brought to bed. Indeed !--pray
For every branch of every science known Ms. Clancomlarry, what has she got ? Faith I was so In every christian language ever named, glad to get away, that I forgot to inquire whether I With virtues equallid by her wit alone, tas an uncle or an aunt. Who turned up the Queen? She made the cleverest people quite ashamed, I think it was-a trump if you please, sir. Come,
And even the good with inward envy groan, Miss, play. Your play first, sir, is it not ? Oh, no, Finding themselves so very much exceeded Mies, you lay down, and I cover. I think I shall to their own way by all the things that she did. have your heart, Miss, now--If you play into my Her memory was a mine : she knew by heart hand, you will, sir. O, damn the cards—horrid bad All Calderon and greater part of Lopé, play ;-och! shocking--I must have a new pack. A So that if any actor miss'd his part tew pack, sir ; not at all. But I shall, sir, because She could have serv'd him for the prompter's copy; It's not fair-and--Not fair ! there's my card, sir-For her Feinagle's were an useless art, and there's my card, sir. Oh! pray gentlemen don't And he himself obliged to shut up shop-he
TIB BLUE STOCKING.
Could never make a memory so fine a:
vant for not purchasing cucumbers: he compels bis That which adorn'd the brain of Donni Inez. children to wrestle and run till they faint with fatigue. Her favourite science was the mathematical, In the country, when he is dressing his dinner of
Her noblest virtue was her magnanimity, herbs, he throws in salt to season them till they ve Her wit (she ́sometimes tried at wit) was Attic all, unfit to eat. If any one inquire of him, how many
Her serious sayings darken'd to sublimity; dead have been carried out through the sacred gate In short, in all things she was fairly what I call, to burial ? Would to God, he replies, you aod I had A prodigy-her morning dress was dimity, so many!
THEOPB: 2:ts. Her evening silk, or, in the summer, muslin, And other stuffs, with which I won't stay puzzling.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE.
And Greek—the alphabet--I'm nearly sure ; Of human frailty, folly, also crime,
Although her mode of speaking was not pure; Although they both are born in the same cline; For native Spanish she had no great care,
Marriage from love, like vinegar from wine At least her conversation was obscure ;
A sad, sour, sober beverage-by time
There's something of antipathy, as 'twere,
A kind of flattery that's hardly fai;
Yet what can people do, except despair!
The same things change their namo at such a raz; To others' share let • female errors fall,”
For instance-passion in a lover's glorious, For she had not even oue- the worst of all. But in a husband is pronounced uronous
Men grow ashamed of being so very fond; Absence of mind may be defined to be a slowness of
They sometimes also get a little tired. mind in speaking or action: the ausent man is one who, (But that, of course, is rare,) and then demedd: when he is casting up accounts, and hath collected
The same things cannot always be admired the items, will ask a bystander what the amount is : Yet 'tis “ so dominated in the bond," when he is engaged in a lawsuit, aud the day of
That both are tied till one shall have expired trial is come, he forgets it and goes into the country : Sad thought to lose the spouse that was asas he visits the theatre to see the play, and is left be- Our days
, and put one's servants into mourur hind asleep on the benches. He takes any article There's doubtless something in domestic doing and puts it away himself, then begins to look for it, Which forms, in fact, true love's aptithers; and is never able to find it. If any one tell him of Romances paint at full length people's wooings, the death of a dear friend, and ask him to the funeral, But ouly give a bust of marriages, with a sorrowful countenance and tears in his eyes, For no one cares for matrimonial cooings he exclaims, Good luck, good luck! It is his custom, There's nothing wrong in a connubial kiss. when he receives, not when he pays, a debt, to call Think you, if Laura had been Petrarch's wife, for witnesses. In winter, he quarrels with his ser- | He would have written sonnets all his life 1
THE ABSENT MAN.